Post a joke

A man runs in the doctor's and shouts 'Help.....help, i keep thinking I'm a moth!'
The doc say's 'You're in the wrong place, try the zoo'
So the man says 'I only came in cos the light was on'

A woman walks into her local garage complaining her car wont start. The friendly mechanic brings the car to the garage and starts to look at the engine.
'Aha, I've found the problem. Shit in the carburretor.' 'Fuck me,' says the woman, 'How often do i have to do that!'

Jesus is kicking his heels at the pearly gates when all of a sudden there was a knock. Jesus opens the gate to find Adolf Hitler standing there.
'Hello little boy' says Hitler, 'Can I come in?'
Jesus has a little think, then says 'wait there, I'll go and ask my dad'
Jesus runs up the stairs to see dad. 'Dad, dad, Hitler is at the gate and wants to come in!'
'Tell him to fuck off,' says God, 'He's a right cunt. He fucked the jews up.'
So jesus goes back downstairs, opens the gate and tells Hitler to fuck off.
'Go on Jesus, let me in. Look......you can have this iron cross if you let me in'
so Jesus says 'Hmmm..........wait here.'
He goes running back up the stairs and says to God, 'Hitler said if I let him in he'll give me an iron cross!'
'Fuck off son,' says God, 'you couldnt manage the wooden one the Romans gave you!'

What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

You can't take a joke

Little Johnny got a tattoo of a dollar bill on his dick.

His friend Tim asked "why did you get a tattoo of a dollar bill on your dick?"

Little jonny replies"I heard your mom likes to blow money"

why did the parents put their son in the fridge?




because they didn't want to spoil him.

Adam was sitting in the garden of eden one morning, bored shitless. He went to see God, complaining of bored shitlessness. 'OK , ' said God, 'I'll send you a present.'
Lo and behold, next morning, a woman turned up. Anyway, nature took hold and Adam had a great time.
Next time Adam goes round God's house for a smoke, God says, 'Hey Adam, how did you get on with the present I sent you?'
'Yeah, man,!' says Adam........'Fuckin brilliant. We fucked, sucked, went through the whole card! nice one!'
So God says 'Then what?', so Adam says 'I went down to the sea to wash my cock.'
'No.....please say you didn't' says God.
'Why's that?' says Adam ,
so God says 'Because I'll never get the smell out of the fish!'

So this gay guy walks a bar in the middle or rural white america and he goes up to the bar tender and says "Hey Big Boy can I get a beer?". So the bartender goes over 2 him and says"Here's ur beer, now we don't want no trouble so u just sit on down there and drink ur beer nice and quite like." So he takes his beer and goes 2 sit down. A few min later this Big Ole cowboy comes stompin in covered head to toe in dust and dirt and he goes over 2 the bar and says "Hell boy gimme a pitcher'a beer, I'm so thirsty I could drink a lake and while ur at it gimme the biggest damn steak u got I could eat a fuckin horse." So the bartender brings him his beer and food and he eats and drinks everything and with a big belch he says "Damn that was good, boy u know what I'm so damn horny I could fuck a cow.", and just then the gay guy who was listening in gets up and walks over to the cowboy and says "Moo Moo Buckaroo!!".

this threads a joke itself loll i gotta admit i was on my fifth joint in a row when i started this thread lolllllllll

i gottto get highhhhhhh so highhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

A guy walks into a bar and after only taking 2 steps in, he realizes that it's a gay bar. He decides to proceed because he really needs a drink. A gay waiter approaches and asks: "What's the name of your penis?" The customers says: "Look, I'm just not into that kind of stuff. All I want is a cold beer." The gay waiter says: "I'm sorry but house rules dictate that I cannot serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." The customer says to the gay waiter: "All right....I will but first tell me the name of your penis." The gay waiter says: "NIKE...you know, 'JUST DO IT!" The customer thinks for a moment and then says: The name of my penis is 'SECRET'. The waiter is puzzled and asks: "SECRET? What does that mean?" The customer says: You know, SECRET.....STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!"

A strikingly handsome young man walked into the office of a Hollywood agent with his resume and portfolio in hand. The agent reviewed the young man's slim resume and small portfolio with the care that was deserving of his fine young specimen. "You have the very obvious good looks and excellent demeanor of an actor. Tell me, have you had any roles that I might be aware of." "Other than the requisite high school and college plays, no sir," said the handsome young man. "I dare say I know the reason why, with a name like yours," said the agent. "Sir?" "Your name. Penis Van Lesbian. That's not a name that will go far in Hollywood. I'd love to represent you, but you'll have to change your name." "Sir," the handsome young man protested. "The Van Lesbian name was my father's, my grandfather's and his father's name. We have carried this name for generations and I will not change it for Hollywood or any other reason." "If you won't change your name, I cannot represent you young man." "Then I bid you farewell — my name will not change." With that, Penis Van Lesbian left the agents office never to return. Five Years Later: The Hollywood agent returned to his office after lunch with some producers and shuffled through his mail. Mostly junk mail, trade journals and the like. There was one letter. He opened the envelope and removed the letter. As he unfolded the fine linen paper, a check dropped from the folds and onto his desk. He looked at the check. It was for 50,000 dollars! He read the letter: Dear Sir: Several years ago, I entered your office determined to become an actor. You refused to represent me unless I changed my name. I objected, saying the Penis Van Lesbian name had been carried for generations and left your office. However, upon leaving, I chanced to reconsider my hastiness and after considerable reflection, I decided to heed your advice and endeavored to change my name. Now I am a famous actor with many roles and known to millions worldwide. Having achieved this fame and fortune, it is often that I think back to my meeting with you and your insistence that I change my name. I owe you a debt of gratitude, so please accept this check with my humble thanks, for it was your idea which has brought me to such wealth and fame. Very Sincerely Yours, Dick Van Dyke

10 year old Timmy comes home from daycare and tells his mom that he thinks his babysitter is gay. "Whatever makes you think THAT?!!?" says mom. Timmy replies, "Because his dick tasted like shit!"

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodka." The barman says "Wow! you must have had one really bad day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said "WOW! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah, my wife..."

What do you call a leper in a bathtub?..stew

Hepheastus420 said:

[video=youtube;MtN1YnoL46Q]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtN1YnoL46Q[/video]

Click to expand...

So what was the point to that? You posted a similar joke in the form of a youtube video. Um, ok.

Heres one my grandpa told me. There are only two things that smell like fish...one of them is fish

At the end of a church service a member shaked the pastors hand and said "god damn that was a good sermon", the priest said hey thats no way to talk, swearing is a sin. The member said "god damn it was such a good sermon I put a thousand dollars in the collection plate" the priest replys "holy shit"

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says "hey we have a drink named after you". The grasshopper replies " you have a drink named Steve?"

When I was a teenager my parents caught me masturbating.

Never got such a fright in my life, I almost dropped their wedding picture.

(Edit: And no, I was looking at the priest, I'm not a fucking weirdo!)