Discussion in 'Stonable Quotables' started by Mr. Bongwater, Nov 17, 2014.
I sold Obama his first gram of coke........high grade too. Cheap bastard paid in dollar bills.
coulda been worse, coulda been susan b anthonys
too many still alive tho retired for me to bring up past narrow misses with popo as ive heard them called these days
Crossed the border from a non EU country into the EU. Hungover, borrowed car, no passport, no ID, no nothing except 50 grams that I found about a mile before the checkpoint. I hid it in the trunk. Didn't speak the language and their English was lacking to say the least. It's a long story how I ended up there but the weed was supposed to last a couple of friends a long time. Anyways. Took some time and some talking but they eventually let me pass with smiles all around. Guess I can be quite nice if I actually try. The plan was to have my passport and not have any weed in the car but shit happens.
In my teens I got pulled over without my license, in my moms car and with 100gr beneath my seat. Got away clean.
Fingered a Norwegian chick on a flight across the pond without even speaking a word to her. Her buddy was sleeping next to her and my dad was half a row behind me across the aisle.
Was she sleeping too? Sounds a little creepy to me. Are you a Trump supporter?
Hahaha! Well yeah, I did, eventually, grab her by the pussy but she was definitely down with everything that was going on. I made sure of that. Long flight so we had the time to take it slow.
She wrote a message in norwegian on her phone and turned the screen towards me just as we landed. Google-translates into "That was hot".
It was a fun flight. For both of us.
EDIT: Re-read my original post and just wanted to make it clear that I found the 50gr IN THE CAR while searching for my passport just before the border.
That's nothing, Hunter S. Thompson took a salt shaker of cocaine from Buffett's house in key West. See Margaritaville, fear and loathing, and Margaritaville live from Aspen high school with Glenn Fry. They straight up say it in that version of the song
Once we went to a squatters camp called Netreg (Justright), it is fucking dangerous beyond probably even the worst places you got.
We went to buy Weed parcels, which as about 2 ounces and was about the equivalent of $5. We had 3 stuck in the air filter of the car.
We were 3 white guys in a 100% non-white area, there is no way we didn't stick out like a sore thumb. Today you would end up dead there.
Anyhow as we drove out of the place after an enjoyable afternoon smoking with the rasta and his seed-eating chickens, we were pretty fucked up.
We noticed a massive police roadblock maybe 75m up the road. Now when I say we, this did not include the driver, who proceeded to pull over to the side of the road, put eye drops in his eyes, while the rest of us freaked out at him for stopping in front of a fucking roadblock like he is deciding to smash through them or not.
Anyhow, he pulled back onto the road, the cops waved us through (white privilege) and nothing happened.
A very long time ago when I turned 21 a bunch of us took a road trip to Vegas. We drove out from the city one day for some nature and we found a Indian fireworks store, it was a huge! I live in an area where I see fireworks once in a blue moon so we bought some. My buddy went and asked the massive native guy at the front of the store where we could fire them off, he just said very generically "any where out there". We were young and dumb and just took off to a national park to explore for the rest of the day.
On the way back we pulled to the side of the road after we got out of the national park (sun was coming down) cause we are so damn SMART and of course we knew that setting off fire works in a national park was probably not allowed. We took out some fireworks and walked 50 or so feet into the desert from the road. As I am setting up some of them I asked my friend "you sure he said anywhere out here? its dry as fuck with all these dry desert bushes and vegetation" (its August and its 115 F). Hes like "yeah that what he said". So we started setting some off. A lot of them were low quality or had no QA and did not blow up as intended so we called it quits but I had to set off the one that was going to blow up in the shape of a smiley face "mr. nice guy".
So I lit it and then when it the fuse went into the firework nothing happened for 5 seconds and then it started doing its thing BUT at the stage where it is supposed to rocket up, it was stuck in the ground, at this same time I yelled RUN, we all ran towards the road and one of my buddies for some reason ran TOWARDS it, thing blew up with a GIANT Happy face probably 10 feet away from him. It set a few small bushes on fire and like the dumb asses we were we tried stomping it out only to make it bigger, we were in a panic and still shocked from the firework and so we jumped in the car and raced off. watching in the review i could see the fire getting big and spreading. 20 minutes later we are driving by the firework warehouse and see fireworks going off, I guess they had a concrete pad area to set off fireworks you buy at the store, I guess the native was accurate about "out there". Rest assured we all smacked our buddy, found a pay phone and called it in anonymously, I wasn't going to jail in the USA
One time me and my,buddy Doug, Phil and Stu drove over to Vegas in my dads white convertible Mercedes. Ended up in some sweet suite at Caesers. Well anyway I bought some ecstasy off some black guy named Doug and decided to spike everyones drink for a bit of fun. We end up losing white Doug and awake in the morning and the whole suite was trashed, I go to pee and theres a Tiger in the bathroom. Ends up being Mike Tysons. Apparently we stole it. Stu lost a tooth. His lateral incisor to be exact. He also married a prostitute. Hes such a silly mofo. We also apparently stole $80k from this asian named Chow and he said he had Doug in return. Im an idiot savant so I owned the blackjack tables for the $80k to buy back Doug. Turns out it was black Doug drug dealer. So we are out there trying to find Doug cause hes getting married the next day. We search all over trying to retrace our steps. We eventually found him on the roof locked. He was badly sunburned, but alive. Next day he got married and no one knew any wiser. Except my wolf pack.
You're a funny mofo dude
So the next year Stu was getting married to this asian. And we were going to Bangkok for his bachelors but he brought his snot nosed future younger brother in line. So I drugged him and left him in an elevator. Stu got a tattoo on his face like Mike Tyson. Slept with a tranny. And we got into some crazy ish with a monkey drug mule we monkeynapped per Chows orders.
Iraqi border with Kuwait Jan. 1990 Desert Storm. Dropped some blotter acid and was tripping balls. Only friendlies in the area (supposedly) so we were partying. RPG round comes at us from just beyond our defense perimeter and skipped off a hump of gravel about 30 meters in front of me. A fin on the rocket snagged the kevlar fabric on top of my helmet that was unlatched and pulled it off my head. We also started taking small arms fire and I could hear the rounds zinging by my ears. I finally hit the deck. This dorky, straight laced kid from Ohio named Percy that everybody kinda gave a hard time to went beast on their position with a M-60. He made some friends and earned some respect after that. Got him drunk and laid in Germany a few months later.
I can dig it. I was a life long pillow tag cutter. Confessed it to the police once. Haven't cut one since.
Not by far one of the craziest things iv ever done but when i was 18 the yr after i graduated hs i went to a basketball game and got all kinda fucked up... High...drunk.. Did a bunch of bars and some coke... Well i had throw a fucking HUGE ass double headed dildo right in front of a guy taking foul shots during a state game... So my buddies were there that i had done it with the year before and i said " fuck i should of Just went in butt ass naked and took the ball and dunked it then ran out".....well.. Guess what happened... I must add i was in great ass shape at the time lol so dunking wasnt an issue... Well i have my friend stand at the door leading to the gym entrance and tell me when to go... He was supposed to wait till they were at the line.. Nope.. They were inbounding the ball right infront of the door... I have a shirt around my face...and my js on... boom.. I run in.. Snatch the ball.. The boys face was worth it all.. This was a big game...so being fd up i forgot about the cops that come to our bigger games... We are a super small school.. Like 50 if that in my class... Thats a stretch too so... But the gym ks fb packed...i have the ball and bitches split like the red sea with my pecker flopping off my hips.. I run to the far end go up and do a shitty ass dunk... Well i thought ppl would laugh.. And some did.. The others joined the cops and chase... I run out the door i had planned... Locked... Im now in a hallway... So i put on my Barry Sanders shoes and head straight at the cop..scoop!..right past him... Now who really wants to fight a naked 6'3" guy... Nobody but one hero...well i quickly tossed him aside and ran out th other way... Where my clothes and friends are not... So i run through a parking lot and hide... I hear a jingle running... Its the cops... Im literally like 40 foot from there cruiser.. Its dark.. He jumps in it and takes off... I manage to go the back way... After jumping a fence.. Naked.. Sketchy... And guess who isnt waiting on me... What a bunch of pals..guess who is waiting on me..a diff pig... Wo i take the f off... I loose his ass on the football feild and am now running through the middle of our small town... Naked.... All the way to one of my friends house who was og w me... Well there they all were with mt fn clothes... When i ran in they lost it laughing.. I too lost it.. But not laughing at first lol... Well i get dressed and my one friend says... Dude the newspaper guy totally took a pic of you....i was like bs... Well the next day my friends call me..my best friend is in th background laughing his ass off and my more serious friend is flipping shit... Sayin DUDE YOU'RE IN THE PAPER......i thought noway...well i was... From chest up anyway lol... And my tattoo just shining away... Well people knew it was me but couldnt prove it.. And apparently i was gonna get some serious charges from jt... Like bad ones imo... They even came to my house and i denied it of course... But they never said shit about my tattoo believe it or not... Def not the craziest thing me or my friends have done.. By a long shot.. But i just thought about it when reading lol... Maybe next time ill tell the kne about setting a house on lol
Or tying a guy to a tree and forgetting about him
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