# How to not get Caught! (AKA: Stealth Smoking)



## UncleReemis (Apr 18, 2013)

*  UncleReemis Guide on Stealth Smoking  

If you're looking for tips to keep your smoke secret, look no further. Within this guide on stealth smoking are several methods, tricks and tips to avoid nosey neighbors, roommates, parents, da law, and etcetera. This may seem like common sense to many of you, and some of it is, but Ive learned many things through experience that would have saved me some trouble if I had known before.

If youre trying to stealth smoke and you get caught, life can get assy real fast. Not to mention, the paranoia you may or may not have of being caught with your pipe hangin out can freak you out (see figure 1 below for a very detailed diagram).

Figure 1


Lets Start with the Rules:


There is no such thing as being too careful! Thats right. You should always do more than enough to cover up any evidence. Go big or go home. Be an over-achiever. Whatever. Just take extra measure to make sure you cover your tracks. Once you get caught, youll realize the stupid mistake(s) you made and youll wish you were more cautious. This is the number one rule!
Example: Instead of just opening a window, set up a fan in front of it and use something to eliminate the odor and leave behind a disguising fragrance (more on this later)

Refer to rule #1 J
Just because you cant smell it doesnt mean someone else cant! After a lengthy exposure to smoke, the scent seems to become less pungent as you become used to it. You have to remember that those who havent been near it will be several times more likely to pick up on the smell. Smellf-awareness people!
Dont get penisy! Err cocky. Dont get cocky. Theres pushing the boundaries and then theres straight up crossing the line. Use your better judgment to not get yourself into situations where youre dangerously likely to get caught even if you take necessary precautions. If youre questioning whether something is a safe or risky idea, its usually not a good idea.
Leave nothing behind! Make sure you double check to make sure you didnt leave anything out or any evidence behind that can land your ass in a shit storm. You should even consider checking for things like ash, stems, seeds, shake, etc. If I were an unaware ganja hater and I stumbled into my sons room and noticed some ashes on the floor, Id become aware and would then be more likely to search around more. Wouldnt you?
Be careful when deciding who you tell! Need I say more?
Always consider what things are going to be like once youre baked! If you have to go through a shit ton of trouble to GET to the smoking part, think about what its going to be like when youre stoned and you have to put everything back into order and whatnot.
Always have a story ready to go! I cannot stress this enough!
Bad situation:
Nosey bastard: I heard someone come through the front door last night. Was that you? What were you doing?
Improper response:
You: *oh shit what do I say* .. *whole seconds of awkwardness* Uhh I dont know.

Proper response:
You: Yeah, I took a leak outside. ^.^



 
* * How to Deal with the Smoke * 

Obviously marijuana has a very pungent aroma, therefore it is always important to manage the smell of the stuff on you and around you. Here are some tips to cover up that aroma:


Wash your hands and face! Your hands will almost always smell like smoke after youre finished and because its on your hands, it can be easily spread and detected. Also consider giving your face a light wash while washing your hands. I recommend doing two wash cycles just to make sure.
Chapstick and gum! Ohhhhh yes. That breath! Something must be done about it. When you talk to people, youre more or less blowing your breath in their face! Its VERY noticeable! Buy some minty breath mints or gum and some scented chapstick for extra measure and youll be fine.
Spray cologne/perfume and deodorant! I recommend a small can of spray cologne (preferably not Axe because it smells like hell). Old Spice has some nice liquid pump spray bottle cologne that lasts a while rather than that invasive, harsh shit. I also recommend spraying some of it on your hair.
Sploof! What a wonderful little invention. Take an empty toilet paper roll and stuff it with four or five dryer sheets and exhale your hits through it. The dryer sheets near completely cover up the smell, plus its disposable. If for some reason you dont want to use a sploof, you can exhale your hits directly into the spray stream on a Febreeze can. This will use a little more freshener than youd like, but it works. My favorite Febreeze fragrance for covering up pot is the New Zealand Springs fragrance. It seems to pretty much neutralize the ganja odor.
Ventilation! Open a window, turn on the exhaust fan if there is one, and use a fan to extract the smoke. You can even stick dryer sheets to the back of the fan! It is also a definite must to always cover the bottom of the door and any air vents. I also recommend letting clothes and coats air out. Surprisingly, the smell of marijuana smoke doesnt linger too much (in comparison to cigarette smoke).
 
*Smoking at Home*

The best place to smoke at home is either outside, in your car, or in the bathroom. If youre living in an apartment complex or dorm, this may become tricky. The reason why the bathroom is one of the best places to smoke is because of the exhaust fan and the shower. Also, it is most likely to be a smaller room, therefore allowing the probably no more than 100 CFM exhaust fan to extract the volume of the room at a somewhat decent rate. If the fan is pulling air out faster than it can come in, the contaminated air will not bleed through the cracks of the door and into the other room because a suction INTO the bathroom through those cracks will be formed to compensate for the fans extraction. In other words, the fan is displacing the air faster than the nooks and crannies in the room can replace it, causing two suction points (fan and cracks) in order to reach equilibrium. ANYWAY you can also turn on a hot shower and let the steam help neutralize the smoke. It also helps if you take that bottle of crappy shampoo that you never use and put a few gobs in the tub so the water and steam can activate the aroma for a constant freshening approach.
If you plan on smoking outside, use common sense. You never know when your nosey ass neighbor is gawking at you through her window while petting Mr. Fuzzums and plotting your stoner-related demise. It is best to smoke at night and in unexposed areas like your backyard, woods, garage, whatever. These same rules apply to smoking in your car and if you do smoke in your car, let that thing air out! I know I said that weed smoke smell diminishes quickly but if it has no place to go, it wont necessarily go away. If anything, it will settle on your upholstery. I recommend keeping a can of Febreeze in your vehicle.

*Smoking Outside of the Home*

If youre smoking on the road, which I dont necessarily condone even though I do it on a daily basis, you might want to consider investing in getting your windows tinted for obvious reasons. It is advisable to park and spark rather than drive and spark. If you do decide to park somewhere, make sure you pick the place wisely. Dont park somewhere where you can be easily seen and dont park on someone elses property unless given permission! Marijuana is still illegal in most places and if you get caught by the wrong person, you can be looking at some hefty fines depending on the circumstances. I also recommend investing in a radar detector to avoid any circumstance where you could get pulled over. If you do happen to get pulled over, it is important to know your rights. If you are a citizen of the U.S., you are protected under the fourth amendment against unlawful search and seizures. You do NOT have to consent to a search of your vehicle when prompted by an officer as long as they do not have probable cause which they can obtain in several different ways. You can look that up later. If you do consent to a search, they may search your vehicle up until the point you tell them to stop (unless they find probable cause during the consented search). Now they can, however, issue for a warrant and they can bring in a K9 unit at any time. Ladies and gentlemen, if you have pot on you and they bring in a K9, youre probably screwed. If the K9 unit indicates any sign of narcotics, the officers now have instant probable cause to bypass a warrant. You should look up your state laws on marijuana laws and fines just to know what youre getting yourself into if you get caught.
Your local park may be a fun place to smoke, just be careful! Drive-in theaters are always fun and my friends and I like to bake in the car at Dennys before going inside for a nice, trippy meal. Funny memories. 

Thats all for now folks. Thank you so much for reading my guide and I hope it was of some use to you!


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## UncleBuck (Apr 18, 2013)

you sir, have earned a rep and a five star.


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## UncleReemis (Apr 18, 2013)

Thank you


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## Nutes and Nugs (Apr 18, 2013)

UncleBuck said:


> you sir, have earned a rep and a five star.


You see what Obama is doing to these kids don't you?


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## UncleBuck (Apr 18, 2013)

Nutes and Nugs said:


> You see what Obama is doing to these kids don't you?


3 of those 5 stars were due to impeccable spelling and grammar.


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## Orlandocb (Apr 18, 2013)

Ah nostalgia


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## UncleReemis (Apr 18, 2013)

Nutes and Nugs said:


> You see what Obama is doing to these kids don't you?


Obama phone. Obama phone... Obama phone.


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## zzwasted (Apr 18, 2013)

hahahahaha hahahahaha they actually thought obama was going to pay there mortgages


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## UncleBuck (Apr 18, 2013)

i think you meant reagan phones, he's the one that started the program.


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## UncleBuck (Apr 18, 2013)

zzwasted said:


> hahahahaha hahahahaha they actually thought obama was going to pay there mortgages


*their

i believe the clip you are referring to, a clip which is a perennial favorite of white supremacists and fox news alike, said nothing of obama paying their mortgages.


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## UncleReemis (Apr 18, 2013)

UncleBuck said:


> *their
> 
> i believe the clip you are referring to, a clip which is a perennial favorite of white supremacists and fox news alike, said nothing of obama paying their mortgages.


Haha, YEAH! AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU HAVE IMPECCABLE SPELLING AND GRAMMAR!


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## zzwasted (Apr 18, 2013)

UncleBuck said:


> *their
> 
> i believe the clip you are referring to, a clip which is a perennial favourite of white supremacists and fox news alike, said nothing of obama paying their mortgages.



nope ! obama said at the 2008 election that he would pay there mortgages .... and also not raise taxes ... he did not stick to any of his policy's because he's a puppet sold out to goldman sachs , your country contribute's alot of money every year to help aid isreal to . just sick .. but that's neither here or there if you go back .. and check your knowledge you would know he made a agreement of some sort to either help pay the poors mortgages or pay for they altogether ,


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## zzwasted (Apr 18, 2013)

you guys are retarded lol look up the word there in english ........................................................ fucking idiots thinking your smart ....


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## zzwasted (Apr 18, 2013)

...........................i may have that wrong lol ..................


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## zzwasted (Apr 18, 2013)

iv been in denial this whole time hahahahaha im joking but i did spell it wrong ... i looked up both definitions safe to say i just schooled on a weed site


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## UncleReemis (Apr 18, 2013)

zzwasted said:


> iv been in denial this whole time hahahahaha im joking but i did spell it wrong ... i looked up both definitions safe to say i just schooled on a weed site


 I respect you for this. Haha


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## Erysichthon (Apr 20, 2013)

pretty good stuff. i think the trusty Sneak-A-Toke deserves a mention, being a stealth smoker myself nothing has served me better...

the key to it is its tiny size and its going out about instantly after you stop hitting it. if you do it right you can send the entirety of the smoke into your lungs, which if you hold for a 10-15 extra seconds your body will somewhat filter out. then dispose of smoke in what ever way is most logical. ive used this method to smoke almost anywhere. its not absolutely fool proof but still its a good start. very easy to palm too. just dont just sit there and smoke out with it and expect to hold onto the stealth it can provide, hit it and let it sit for a few min and the air will clear that small amount of smoke unless your in a really small area


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## UncleBuck (Apr 20, 2013)

zzwasted said:


> nope ! obama said at the 2008 election that he would pay there mortgages .... and also not raise taxes ... he did not stick to any of his policy's because he's a puppet sold out to goldman sachs , your country contribute's alot of money every year to help aid isreal to . just sick .. but that's neither here or there if you go back .. and check your knowledge you would know he made a agreement of some sort to either help pay the poors mortgages or pay for they altogether ,


first of all, i would love for you to reproduce the quote where obama said he was gonna pay our mortgages. but since i know that is just a fanciful lie, i will ask for an apology from you instead for lying to us.

now all i have to do is wait for the predictable anti-semite proclamation, that you're anti-zion, not anti-jew.

better yet, just stay over on stormfront.


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## UncleReemis (Apr 21, 2013)

UncleBuck said:


> first of all, i would love for you to reproduce the quote where obama said he was gonna pay our mortgages. but since i know that is just a fanciful lie, i will ask for an apology from you instead for lying to us.
> 
> now all i have to do is wait for the predictable anti-semite proclamation, that you're anti-zion, not anti-jew.
> 
> better yet, just stay over on stormfront.




You have officially made my night.


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## Luscious.Earth (Apr 28, 2013)

To expand on dealing with the smoke; Carbon filters work sooo well, and 12$ for a sheet of it is worth while. Cut and place over intake of fans, blow smoke towards fan and let run a while after finished.
I have been using the kitchen hood fan to exhaust but now that im in a densely populated area i was worried about stinking up the neighborhood Turns out Can. Tire carries carbon filters FOR exhaust fans... I found one left behind by the last residents when i cleaned the filter. They work GREAT! (and its really old, and greasy).

A warning bout TP tubes filled with dryer sheets and perfumes: Many people are super sensitive to that shit, careful not to inhale!! Even the fabric sheets you so love the smell of can leave you or your friends sneezing, hacking, and breathless.


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## UncleReemis (Apr 29, 2013)

Luscious.Earth said:


> To expand on dealing with the smoke; Carbon filters work sooo well, and 12$ for a sheet of it is worth while. Cut and place over intake of fans, blow smoke towards fan and let run a while after finished.
> I have been using the kitchen hood fan to exhaust but now that im in a densely populated area i was worried about stinking up the neighborhood Turns out Can. Tire carries carbon filters FOR exhaust fans... I found one left behind by the last residents when i cleaned the filter. They work GREAT! (and its really old, and greasy).
> 
> A warning bout TP tubes filled with dryer sheets and perfumes: Many people are super sensitive to that shit, careful not to inhale!! Even the fabric sheets you so love the smell of can leave you or your friends sneezing, hacking, and breathless.


Yes, absolutely! Thank you for adding that information in.  I'd like to refine this guide a bit when I have time and if/when I do, I'll add in some information about carbon filters and whatnot. Thanks for the feedback!


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## UncleReemis (Aug 9, 2013)

Bump? Bump. YEAH I KNOW IT'S MY OWN SHIT BUT


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## 1blazeking (Sep 2, 2013)

Lol the smell of marijuana smoke does linger man .. you should have smelled my dorm room bathrooms back in the day hahaha had to spray all kinds of junk to get that smell out when the campus police decide to fire alarm so they can search everyones rooms.


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## UncleReemis (Feb 10, 2014)

1blazeking said:


> Lol the smell of marijuana smoke does linger man .. you should have smelled my dorm room bathrooms back in the day hahaha had to spray all kinds of junk to get that smell out when the campus police decide to fire alarm so they can search everyones rooms.


Allow me to clarify: The lingering odor occurs when particles from the smoke remain in the environment, such as on clothes, furniture and other surfaces, after the smoke has been evacuated and fresh air cycled in. This happens with cannabis smoke to a small extent, of course it's practically inevitable. However, it's much worse with tobacco smoke. This is why ventilation is so key. So yes, technically it does linger however slightly, provided proper precautions have been taken. You see the drastic comparison to tobacco though? You can smell smoke on your clothes even after a wash and dry cycle. Not with weed smoke.


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## aisach (Mar 2, 2014)

I tend to be more worried about the neighbors smelling it than stinking up the house or my clothes.
Run the fan while smoking in the bathroom, or smoke then run the fan. That the latest debate in my stoner head.
Gonna try the dryer sheet idea. I use incense currently, but air spray sounds viable too.


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## TibetanBowl (Mar 3, 2014)

burn incense regularly, blow smoke into kitchen fan or bathroom fan, take an empty toilet paper role and wrap it twice with toilet paper put some baby powder in between and exhale into it. use perfume or cologne liberally, febreeze air spray where you smoke, gum for fresh breath, eye drops for red eye, hand sanitizer for clean hands, maybe a pillow if you start to cough frequently and all sorta stealth hidden areas for your stash/pipes, makeshift props should work. to get the smell out fast put a small fan near an open window and let the draft do the rest. all of this has helped me in the past.


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## Hookabelly (Mar 5, 2014)

the "sploof" idea: genius!


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## UncleReemis (Mar 5, 2014)

Thank you guys for your contributions. Yeah, I was beyond gone when I wrote all this out and left out a few things. =)


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## DaGlassMan (Mar 17, 2014)

I know all too well of the pains of getting caught, though I gotta add one thing: I would use Blunt effects rather than febreeze for the car. If you can find it in your local smoke shop, the fruity or vanilla scented ones are best. They completely destroy most smoke smell in one or two spritz. It's super strong.


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## aisach (Mar 22, 2014)

aisach said:


> I tend to be more worried about the neighbors smelling it than stinking up the house or my clothes.
> Gonna try the dryer sheet idea.


Tried the 'sploof'. Dryer sheets in a tp tube. Initially, I was not impressed, but I kept at it. I found that it works better if the dryer sheets are compacted into the tube. I used about 4 crumpled up sheets. I push them down into the tube just a second before I exhale. 
Seems like there is a market for an exhale product?? (And what about the pipe that keeps smoking after you hit it?)


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## UncleReemis (Mar 22, 2014)

I just use my finger to put it out if I don't want it to keep burning. Lol or suck up the smoke from the bowl until it stops.


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## MinnBobber (Mar 22, 2014)

IMO the best way to not get caught smoking is to vaporize instead of combusting/smoking. Combusted cannabis (smoke) contains about only 15% THC/ cannabinoids while the other 85% has many aromatic/smelly chemicals. Vaporized cannabis has 95% THC/ cannabinoids with only a small fraction of the aromatic compounds.
Vaping just has way way way less smell to it. There are many very small/stealthy vape units.


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## UncleReemis (Mar 23, 2014)

Yeah, if I were to update this guide, I'd add a little about vape pens. I own a cheap one and it's pretty cool I guess haha.


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## nobodycanknow (Mar 27, 2014)

You are forgetting something. Take a look at your tongue in the mirror when you are finished smoking. It will be green.


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## nobodycanknow (Mar 27, 2014)

Beware that bathroom trick does not work lol. I used to do that when I was younger and finally my mom was like "hey stop smoking weed in the house, go outside." lol


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## UncleReemis (Mar 27, 2014)

nobodycanknow said:


> Beware that bathroom trick does not work lol. I used to do that when I was younger and finally my mom was like "hey stop smoking weed in the house, go outside." lol


Negative pressure in a room means that air is expelled quicker than it is drawn in. If you create a negative pressure in your bathroom by plugging under the door and turning on the exhaust fan, it DOES work. Physics says so. However, maybe some of the smell escaped in your case because the pressure wasn't negative or you opened the door and allowed it to escape. But yeah. 

Chances are, if you're trying to hide smoking from your mom, you won't be successful. Moms are moms.


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## atxlsgun (Mar 31, 2014)

Empty paper towel roll or toilet paper roll stuffed with dryer sheets rubber band one across one end blow smoke through the other works for moms

SENT FROM 5280


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## Nutes and Nugs (Mar 31, 2014)

I used my pillow at my parents house a few times.
I usually just came home high.

We used a piece of packing foam at work years later.
Blow out your hit and you could see the resin in the foam.
We were allowed to smoke cigs so it always helped spoof the pot smell.


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## Wait, what? (Mar 31, 2014)

Ona accidentally sent me spray instead of gel and it works for weed. It also works for other things in the bathroom. What we used to call a relationship saver


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## UncleReemis (Apr 1, 2014)

I've heard good things about Ona stuff. I think I'm going to buy the gels when my wall grow girls start budding, to aid with the fan. 



Nutes and Nugs said:


> I used my pillow at my parents house a few times.
> I usually just came home high.
> 
> We used a piece of packing foam at work years later.
> ...


I think I might pack a bunch of filter tubes with mixed tobacco and weed, then maybe drill holes in the filters? Idk. People say the filters are too dense, I agree. I enjoy cigarettes on occasion so this would be cool. Now I can do my lawn mowing which takes like 5 freaking hours, while smoking spliffs without showing my neighbors how I kiss a muthafukin joint.


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## panhead (Apr 1, 2014)

WO ! Are we movin too slow ? Have you seen us "Uncle Remus" , We look perdy sharp in these cloths ( yes we do ) Unless we get's sprayed with a hose , 

If your username comes from where i think it does you know the rest .
On another note .
Now scientists got an exquisit name for this inconvience called Dromadrosis but us regular folks know it by another name ............... My Python boot was too tight , i couldnt get it off last night , a week went by & now it's july , i finally got it off & my girlfriend cried , YOU GOT STINK FOOT !!! - stink foot darlin , your stink foot puts a hurt on my nose ! can ya rinse off do you suppose .

Random jibberesh to most readers im sure but participating was one of the most memorable points in my life .


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## UncleReemis (Apr 1, 2014)

panhead said:


> WO ! Are we movin too slow ? Have you seen us "Uncle Remus" , We look perdy sharp in these cloths ( yes we do ) Unless we get's sprayed with a hose ,
> 
> If your username comes from where i think it does you know the rest .
> On another note .
> ...


LOL goofball! You're killing me. I really wish I could say it was, but unfortunately it's not. I just looked it up though, interesting lyrics lol.


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