# Lets Hear Some JOKES!



## GangaFarmer420 (Aug 28, 2009)

Lets hear abunch of great jokes! everyone loves jokes!
ill start

There are four kinds of sex : 
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room. 
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom. 
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU" 
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

lol


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## Poppa Thug (Aug 28, 2009)

OK, two guys were smoking a blunt and...FUCK!!! I forgot...my bad!!!


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## thechoroid (Aug 28, 2009)

Twos toners were trying to hitch hike. After standing for a long time with cars passing them by, one car noticed them and hits the breaks but comes to a halt 10 feet after. The first guy turns to the other and says: "Damn man! he stopped where we wanted to go"


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## thechoroid (Aug 28, 2009)

A stoned taxi driver stops to pick up a client, who gets in the car and asks him to drive to the airport and to step on it. 10 minutes later, the client notices that the driver is going in the wrong direction and asks:"are you sure you took the right road?" the driver turns around with horror in his eyes and says:"Who are you?"


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## GangaFarmer420 (Aug 28, 2009)

Hahahaha niice one


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## fairyweed (Aug 28, 2009)

3 girls go to the doctors office the first goes in and come out "ahhh yeah i havin a boy cause i was ontop".. the second girl goes in comes out" im havin a girl cause i was on bottom" the third girl starts crying her eyes out " oh no im havin puppies cause i did it doggy style"..... ha ha ha i love that one i know its old but i love it...


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## fairyweed (Aug 28, 2009)

ou ou wanna hear a dirty joke????? ...... ok ok get this... a white horse(lol this is a good one) ok ok... a white horse... fell in a mudd puddle..lol...


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## DontDoDrugs (Aug 28, 2009)

i will make an attempt to come up with my own original joke.. 

ok, two stoners are walking down the street and one of them says "lets BLAAAAAAZE DIS BLUNT!" (oh ya they are wiggers too..) so one of them pulls out a skimpy blunt and a lighter and begins to light it.. but oh fuck.. a cop pulls up and they get so scared that they hide under a car with the blunt still in ones mouth, the cop says "hey boys, i think i know what ur problem is.. some hoodlums must have poured skunk piss in your radiator! but we got him!" and in the backseat is an old crackhead with a dead skunk for a hat! 

oh well im not very funny off the top of my head..


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## DontDoDrugs (Aug 28, 2009)

fairyweed said:


> ou ou wanna hear a dirty joke????? ...... ok ok get this... a white horse(lol this is a good one) ok ok... a white horse... fell in a mudd puddle..lol...


lol.. dirrrttyyy..


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## captain chronizzle (Aug 28, 2009)

i used this one the other day on a different thread. but here it is again:

why do rednecks do it doggystyle?







so they can both watch nascar.


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## Toker88 (Aug 28, 2009)

a trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them.

Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"

The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."


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## GangaFarmer420 (Aug 28, 2009)

Toker88 said:


> a trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them.
> 
> Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
> 
> The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."




HAHAHAHA YES!!! that was primo bro primo LOL


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## thechoroid (Aug 29, 2009)

Come on guys! keep em comin! We should probably make a poll on the best joke. Here goes another one: two prostitutes riding the lift. One of them says: yuck! smells like sperm. The other says: sorry! I burped.


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## thechoroid (Aug 29, 2009)

Toker88 said:


> a trucker drives his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and starts down the other side when he notices a man and a woman making love in the center of the road. He blows his horn several times, but they don't budge. He slams on his brakes and stops just inches from them.
> 
> Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walks to the couple, still in the road, and yells, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
> 
> The man on the highway looks up and says, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."


Good one bro, lol


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## Xeno420 (Aug 29, 2009)

thechoroid said:


> A stoned taxi driver stops to pick up a client, who gets in the car and asks him to drive to the airport and to step on it. 10 minutes later, the client notices that the driver is going in the wrong direction and asks:"are you sure you took the right road?" the driver turns around with horror in his eyes and says:"Who are you?"


AWESOME! I like this joke. I can see chong turning around after taking some peote and saying something like that.


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## MisterMicro (Aug 29, 2009)

Heres my attempt at a original joke.

Ok so this salmon traveled on thousand miles up raging currents, rapid rapids, and small water falls. As it pumps through a calm pool it has a sense of releif, reflecting on the journey with a stride of confidence. It than pumps vigoously to get speed to launch up the next waterfall. As it soars it spots its landing stroking back and forth to keep balanced. All of a sudden 2 inch spears Rip through its body popping its organs and squeezing it like a vice. Right after its nuts Burst, its snapped in half.


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## GangaFarmer420 (Aug 29, 2009)

MisterMicro said:


> Heres my attempt at a original joke.
> 
> Ok so this salmon traveled on thousand miles up raging currents, rapid rapids, and small water falls. As it pumps through a calm pool it has a sense of releif, reflecting on the journey with a stride of confidence. It than pumps vigoously to get speed to launch up the next waterfall. As it soars it spots its landing stroking back and forth to keep balanced. All of a sudden 2 inch spears Rip through its body popping its organs and squeezing it like a vice. Right after its nuts Burst, its snapped in half.


LOL did you just make that up i made me laugh cuz i could picture it


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## MisterMicro (Aug 29, 2009)

I did  I was watching a salmon special on the Discovery channel and i when i saw these salmon get chomped by a grizly after traveling so far, i was like now thats a joke!


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## GangaFarmer420 (Aug 29, 2009)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"​ The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."​ Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"​ He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."




As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."​ She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"​ A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". 


​This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"


​


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## v12xjs (Aug 29, 2009)

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.
"What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I guess she choked."


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## v12xjs (Aug 29, 2009)

A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about an African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches. 
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,
"How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there" he replied.
"Wow, you've grown to 12 inches??"
"No...it's turned black."


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## bigweeds (Aug 29, 2009)

Q=whats the difference between pink and purple??

A=the grip


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## v12xjs (Aug 29, 2009)

Doc - "Hello, how can I help you?"
Man - "I've got an orange willy!"
Doc - "What?"
Man - "My willy - it's turned orange."
Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up. Ah, it seems it could be a sign of
stress; do you suffer from stress?"
Man - "Not really"
Doc - "What about stress at work?"
Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I
worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack"
Doc - "That sounds very stressful."
Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary and
I feel really appreciated"
Doc - "Hmm, what about your home life?"
Man - "Well, my girlfriend was a complete cow, she nagged non-stop and put
me down every chance she got."
Doc - "That sounds stressful"
Man - "Yeah, but I left her and I've never been happier."
Doc - "I see, what about your social life?"
Man - "Social life? I don't really have one."
Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
Man - "Watch porn and eat Cheese Wotsits."


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## bigweeds (Aug 29, 2009)

v12xjs said:


> a couple was watching a discovery channel special about an african bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When males reach a certain age, a string is tied around their penises. And on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
> Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said,
> "how about we try the african string-and-weight procedure?"
> the husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to his penis.
> ...


 classic lmfao


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## Woomeister (Aug 29, 2009)

A priest is riding his bicycle down a country lane, when a car overtakes him and carries on round the next bend. The driver of the car goes round a blind bend and feels a bump, wondering whats happened he stops the car and gets out to see whats happened. He soon realises he has hit and killed a rabbit, the man is an animal lover and this upsets him so he decides he better bury the rabbit at the side of the road. Just as he is about to place the rabbit in the hole he has dug the priest arrives on his bike and seeing the distressed man stops:
priest: What is the matter my Son?
man: I came round the corner and this rabbit ran out in front of me and I ran it over, I feel awful, I wish there was something that could be done. Could you pray for it before I bury it?
priest: I may be able to do more than that my Son.
The priest reaches into his knapsack and pulls out a small vile of liquid, he splashes some over the rabbit while muttering some words that the man presumes is a prayer.
priest: Now my Son just wait a moment.
After a few moments the rabbit begins to twitch, then miraculously it opens its eyes, stretches its legs and gets up and hops off into the next field where it stops turns round a nd waves at the man and the priest. It then jumps into 2 or 3 more fields always stoppping to wave.
man: My god! Its a miracle, what was the liquid Father? Was it holy water?
Priest: No my Son, It was hair restorer with permanent wave...


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## rebelfied (Aug 29, 2009)

so this dude was walking through the woods...he tripped over something, do you know what it was?


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## Woomeister (Aug 29, 2009)

what do you call a dinosaur that has to wear glasses?

doyouthinkhesaurus... (_gets coat and leaves the room_)


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## MisterMicro (Aug 29, 2009)

HAHaha ^


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## toocoolo (Aug 29, 2009)

I love stoner jokes!

In a high security prison, there's this 3 cellmates, all big time junkies of their own drugs, trying to escape from prison. 

The first one, hooked on coke, says: -"I know how we can escape! Lets get us some niiice blow, shoot up 6 lines each!!!! and we'll be so fucking pepped up and strong, that we could easily bend the bars of the windows and fucking escape running fast as hell and knocking any security guard that gets in our way!!!!! YEEEAAAHHHH!!!!"

The other prisoners boo at his proposal and call him a coke junkie...

The second prisoner, addicted to all kinds of synthetic drugs, says: -"lets eat this pills I've got, they'll get us very very tripped and fucked up, and we can either become tiiiiiiiny little men, soooo tiny that no one could spot us, and that way scape being totally incognito... or we play some crazy techno and dance our asses out of here with a magic carpet or something..."

The other prisoners smack him and call him a burned out junkie idiot and stuff...

Finally the third prisoner, a heavy experienced hippie pothead, tell his cellmates: "-I know how we can escape... check it out, I've got this super skunk buds, enough to keep us blaaaaaaaaazed for a while. So we go to my cell, and we blaaaaaaaaaze and blaaaaaaaaaaze and blaaaaaaaaaaze and blaaaaaaaaazzzzzzeeeeee!!... and then.... and then.... then... we'll see...."


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## XxNinjaxX (Aug 29, 2009)

I think the home-made jokes need to stop, they are disturbing on many levels - other than that the old classics are good for a giggle, so i guess il add my 2 cents.

A man was having a mid-life crisis and spent all his money on a BMW, he was taking it for a drive and noticed cops behind him attempting to pull him over for speeding. He thought to himself that he was in a brand new beamer n there was no way they were going to catch him - so he stepped on it - 120, 130, 150 & climbing. He suddenly came to his senses and realised what he was doing, so he pulled over and let the cop catch him.
The officer said, Sir, its late on a Friday afternoon and i really dont want the paperwork - if u can give me an excuse that i havnt heard b4 as to y u were speeding, then il let u off.
The man considered this for a minute before responding "My wife ran away with a Cop last week and when i saw u in my mirror i was afraid u were trying to give her back".
The cop smiled before replying "Have a nice day Sir".


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## XxNinjaxX (Aug 29, 2009)

rebelfied said:


> so this dude was walking through the woods...he tripped over something, do you know what it was?


Lol, what was it?


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## MisterMicro (Aug 29, 2009)

So the mouse says to the cat, " You think your tough shit"... The Cat stares in confedence with a tad of uncertanty. The mouse responds, "Let me tell ya cat, I have a Cult 45 in my pocket. What do you have pussy?" As the cat runs hes Shot 10 times in the head, killing him instantly.


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## Chiceh (Aug 29, 2009)

A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20." The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!" The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?" The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?"


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## rebelfied (Aug 29, 2009)

XxNinjaxX said:


> Lol, what was it?


 
you gotta guess...and it wasnt a stick.


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## Toker88 (Aug 29, 2009)

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?







A: It's a sin to put it in, but a shame to pull it out


hehhehe lol...


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## rebelfied (Aug 29, 2009)

MisterMicro said:


> A mushroom!


 
nooo...a rock. Dude gets back up and keeps walking and feels something land on his shoulder, you know what it was?


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## XxNinjaxX (Aug 29, 2009)

rebelfied said:


> nooo...a rock. Dude gets back up and keeps walking and feels something land on his shoulder, you know what it was?


Was it a Giant Bud given to him from God and descended from the very heavens above?


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## XxNinjaxX (Aug 29, 2009)

MisterMicro said:


> So the mouse says to the cat, " You think your tough shit"... The Cat stares in confedence with a tad of uncertanty. The mouse responds, "Let me tell ya cat, I have a Cult 45 in my pocket. What do you have pussy?" As the cat runs hes Shot 10 times in the head, killing him instantly.


I'll laugh @ u, but not the joke.. Did u 4get to put a punch line in, or d the joke not have 1?


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## FrontaLobotomy (Aug 29, 2009)

What's brown and sticky?







A Stick! 
The old ones are the best


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## MisterMicro (Aug 29, 2009)

Ok so this kid has Severe Down Syndrome.


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## mindphuk (Aug 29, 2009)

v12xjs said:


> A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
> One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
> The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room.
> "What happened?" they cried.
> The husband said, "I guess she choked."


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## FrontaLobotomy (Aug 29, 2009)

MisterMicro said:


> Ok so this kid has Severe Down Syndrome.


You talkin about me? That's a bit harsh as I was only being ironic. Sorry for being too highbrow if that's the case. Use downers dribbling on our first class honours, what a travesty.

Jokes are not my forté unfortunately, but I do have some interesting quotables; When Voltair was on his deathbed, a priest offered him the chance to repent his sins and renounce satan. His response? "My friend, now is not the time to be making enemies"


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## MisterMicro (Aug 29, 2009)

FrontaLobotomy said:


> You talkin about me? That's a bit harsh as I was only being ironic. Sorry for being too highbrow if that's the case. Use downers dribbling on our first class honours, what a travesty.
> 
> Jokes are not my forté unfortunately, but I do have some interesting quotables; When Voltair was on his deathbed, a priest offered him the chance to repent his sins and renounce satan. His response? "My friend, now is not the time to be making enemies"



Actually that was my joke but thats hella funny you thought i was talking about you.


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## GangaFarmer420 (Aug 29, 2009)

LOL you guys are hilarious


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## FrontaLobotomy (Aug 29, 2009)

MisterMicro said:


> Actually that was my joke but thats hella funny you thought i was talking about you.


Lol! That is actually pretty funny. My mistake.


A man and his wife are driving through the countryside when they come across a farmyard. They have a look inside and notice there's a pig in a pen with 3 wooden legs. 

They ask the farmer what the deal is with the legs. He replies "That pig, he's amazing. One time, my barn caught fire and I was trapped inside under a broken support beam, that pig broke in and pulled me out, he saved my life!".

While the couple were amazed, they were still wondering about those wooden legs and asked again. He replies "That pig, he's a saviour. I was out in the field ploughing with the tractor and it toppled over, trapping me underneath. The pig came again and dragged me out from under the tractor".

Shocked and amazed, the couple were still wondering why the pig had 3 wooden legs, so asked again. The farmer said "Well, you can't eat a magnificent pig like that all at once..."


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## rebelfied (Aug 29, 2009)

LoL..


Well actually it was bird poop. So he wipes it off and keeps walking and comes upon a cat looking creature, do you know what it was?


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## XxNinjaxX (Aug 30, 2009)

rebelfied said:


> LoL..
> 
> 
> Well actually it was bird poop. So he wipes it off and keeps walking and comes upon a cat looking creature, do you know what it was?


Eww, bird poop. Um was it a Mountain Lion? Btw, is this joke going anywhere?


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## v12xjs (Aug 30, 2009)

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. 
"What are you doing?" She asked. 
"Hunting Flies" He responded. 
"Oh. Killing any?" She asked. 
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. 

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?" 
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."


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## rabbit229 (Aug 30, 2009)

v12xjs said:


> A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
> "What are you doing?" She asked.
> "Hunting Flies" He responded.
> "Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
> ...


 why do old men take viagra



because old women are ugly


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## XxNinjaxX (Aug 30, 2009)

Lmao, now we are seeing some funny ones come out.


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## GangaFarmer420 (Aug 30, 2009)

LOL no doubt keep em comin!! awesome response too this thread!!


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## GangaFarmer420 (Aug 30, 2009)

XxNinjaxX said:


> Eww, bird poop. Um was it a Mountain Lion? Btw, is this joke going anywhere?


Its the joke that never ends, it just goes on and on my friend.


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## rabbit229 (Aug 30, 2009)

GangaFarmer420 said:


> Its the joke that never ends, it just goes on and on my friend.


 
ginger!

gods way of adding humour in to our beautiful world


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## rabbit229 (Aug 30, 2009)

rabbit229 said:


> ginger!
> 
> gods way of adding humour in to our beautiful world


whats the difrerence between a house brick and a ginge


a house brick can get laid


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## grobofotwanky (Aug 30, 2009)

One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time." God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?" Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out." "Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny." ..........got that one in my e-mail a while back.


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## grobofotwanky (Aug 30, 2009)

now for one of my favorites.
One day a mother is cleaning the house when she notices that her daughters parrot has passed away sometime in the night. She rushes to the pet store to find a replacement. She is shocked when she sees the price of the new birds. She notices one marked $5. She asks the clerk why this particular bird is so cheap. Raised in a whorehouse, the clerk responds. Not seeing the harm she buys the bird and rushes back home. Upon placing the bird in the cage, he looks around as says, new house, new mistress. Not so bad, the mother thinks to herself. Her daughters return from school, new house, new mistress, new ladies, she bird exclaims. The mother thinks, whats the harm? A few hours later her husband returns from work, as the wife leads him to the new family pet, the bird says, Whats been goin on Steve?


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## Tr33top (Aug 30, 2009)

Q. Who Makes More Money A Drug Dealer Or Prostitute?








A. A Prostitute Because She Can Wash Her Crack And Re Sell It.


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## ROBINBANKS (Aug 30, 2009)

A man goes to a bar to meet his blind date, woman comes in and both stand at the bar talking, woman says to guy ''why do you keep looking at your watch ?
Guy says well its my sex watch it tells me stuff,
Whats it telling you now she says,
Its telling me your not wearing any panties,
Well your watch is wrong she says,
Yeh but its 1 hour fast.


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## ROBINBANKS (Aug 30, 2009)

*3 Proud Parents*
3 men were gathering one day to talk about how successful there sons were doing.

The first man says, "My son has been doing so successful as a lawyer he got a mansion and shares it with his friend."

The second mans says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a converatable and a private jet for his friend."

The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so "successful". In fact, I just learned he was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing good though because he lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertable."


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## captain chronizzle (Aug 30, 2009)

Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? 
A: Because pot holder was taken


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## captain chronizzle (Aug 30, 2009)

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question. 
To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door. 
To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.​ 
The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".​ 
100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess. 
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?" -


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## captain chronizzle (Aug 30, 2009)

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"


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## captain chronizzle (Aug 30, 2009)

those are jokes, this is a joke thead, on a marijuana forum.


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## CHR0N1C K1NG (Aug 30, 2009)

there was two weed plants one male and one female, the male plant pollinated the female plant SO I SHOT IT IN ITS FUKIN FACE!!!


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## ROBINBANKS (Aug 30, 2009)

A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.
"No," the man replied.
"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.
"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"
The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."


----------



## ROBINBANKS (Aug 30, 2009)

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses.
After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies.
The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.
The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!


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## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION






'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.​ 

I have been with a loose girl'. ​ 


The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?' ​ 


'Yes, Father, it is.'​ 


'And who was the girl you were with?'​ 


'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.​ 


"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later​ 

so you may aswell tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'​ 


'I cannot say.'​ 


'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'​ 


'I'll never tell.'​ 


'Was it Nina Capelli?'​ 


'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'​ 


'Was it Cathy Piriano?'​ 


'My lips are sealed.'​ 


'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'​ 


'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'​ 


The priest sighs in frustration. ​ 

'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. ​ 

But you've sinned and have to atone.​ 

You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.​ 

Now you go and behave yourself.'​ 


Joey walks back to his pew,​ 

and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,​ 

'What'd you get?'​ 


'Four months vacation and five good leads.'​ 


​


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## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

Post Office Job



A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
 He replies, "Yes- caffeine."
 

"Have you ever been in the military service?
 "Yes," he says "I was in Iraq for two years."
 

The interviewer says,"That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."
 

Then he asks,"Are you disabled in any way?"
 

The guy says,"Yes.A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.
 

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A.M. every day."
 

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?"
 

"This is a government job," the inter-viewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.".


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## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What
will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best
martini ever and says to the man, "Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "168".
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
medical technology. 

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The
robot bartender says,"What will you have?" The guy says, "Martini".
Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says,
"Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about Nascar,
Budweiser and John Deere tractors.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try
it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will
you have?" The guy says, "Martini", and the robot brings him another
great martini. The robot then says, "Whats your IQ" The guy says, "Uh,
about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says, "So, you people still happy you
voted for Obama?" 

That about sums it up....


----------



## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

Barak Obama was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, *'I want to go to Disneyland .'* 

Barak said, *'No problem, I'll take you there on my special airplane.&#8217;

*The second kid said, *'I want a new pair of Nike Jordan shoes.&#8217;

*Barak said, *'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign them!'

*The third kid said, *'I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!'

*Barak was a little perplexed by this and said, *'But you don't look like you're handicapped.'

*The kid said, *'I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning.&#8217;*


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## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

*I kid you not....* *New Wine for Seniors* 


*California wineries in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. 
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night. 
* *
The new wine will be marketed as**:* ​​​​




*PINO MORE*
​​


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## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

*A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder **On Michael Jackson&#8217;s Death&#8230;* 







[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT] 


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_[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif] [/FONT]_*[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]....... .. &#8230; &#8230; .. &#8230;..
.. . . &#8230; . .. . . . .. . .. &#8230;. .. .. . &#8230; .. 
... ... .. ... ... ... ... .... ...... ... ... ... .... ..... .. .
.. . . &#8230; .. . . . ..
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....... ... ... ... .. ... ........ ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
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... . &n bsp; . . . . .. .. &#8230; .. 
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....[/FONT]*




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*[FONT=Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Deep stuff eh? 
I nearly cried when he said &#8220;. .. . . . .. .. &#8230; .. .. . . .... ....&#8221; [/FONT]*


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## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

*Thank you for purchasing &#8220;Bubba & Cooter's Book of Sure-fire Pick-up Lines&#8221;brought to you by Bubba & Cooter, straight outta the hills. Enjoy! *




1) Did you fart?
Cuz you just blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea .
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
Cuz I'd like to sign you out

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

 I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

9) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

10) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon... 

AND.. the best for last!

11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up


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## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

*This week we celebrate a special birthday**&#8230;*
 

*Monica Lewinsky turns 44.* *Can you believe it?*
*
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, putting everything in her mouth.*
*
They grow up so fast, don't they?*


----------



## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

*PANTIES ON A PLANE

There were three black ladies getting ready to
take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'al , but
I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo
I get on dat plane."

"Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked?
The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and
I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield,
dey gonna find me first."

The second lady said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me
some floeesant orange panties."

"Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked.
The second lady answered, "Cause if dis hare plane
is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun,
dey can see me first."

The third lady says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties........

"What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, "Dat's right girlfriends, you
hears me right.
I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane
goes down, honey,
dey always look for da black box first."*


----------



## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. 

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. 

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. 

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. 

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade." 

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark." 

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."


----------



## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

*The very first ever Blonde Guy joke..... And well worth the wait !!!! **

**
An Irishman , a Mexican and aBlonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. **
**
**
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.' 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and Exclaimed,'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.' 

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.' **
**
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. **

**
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. **
**
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. **
**
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'**
**
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'**

**
(Oh this is GOOD!!)? **

**
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said,**
**
'Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.*


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## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

Boston Chicks.


Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Illinois and had told her that she was going to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Michigan. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the tab le.

The third man had married a beautiful girl from Massachusetts. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher


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## Brick Top (Aug 30, 2009)

*Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.....* 


*
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!* *
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!* *
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!* *
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!* *
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!* *
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!* *
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk Bones! My favorite thing! 
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! *




*Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary...*
*
*

*Day 983 of my captivity... 
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. 
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards. 
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies. I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. *
*I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. *
*The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now................*


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## NOWitall (Aug 30, 2009)

ok here you go, did i mention ive got a fuckxed up sense of humor??

so theres this 10 year old boy walkin down the street, lookin really pissed
in one had he has a hundred dollar bill, in the other hand hes dragging a dead frog by a string.
he walks through town till he gets to the town whorehouse.
he walks in slaps the hundred down and says to the madam,
"I want a hooker with herpes"
the madam thinks she missherd.
but the boy slaps that hundred down again and says i want a hooker with herpes goddamnit.
madam says, second door on the left.
so the boy goes down the hall, lookin all pissed off, dragin a dead frog on a string.
so after awhile the boy comes out, still lookin pissed, and goes to leave.
but the madam has to ask, "little boy, you come in here looking pissed off, draggin a dead frog by a string, and asking for a hooker with herpes"
whats up??
so the boy says
well, when i get home im gonna fuck my babysitter, and when my dad gets home HES gonna fuck the babysitter, and when my mom gets home shes gonna fuck my dad, and when my dad leaves for work tomarow my mom is gonna fuck the mailman."
"and thats the mutherfucker that killed my frog"

ehhh whatcha think. ok here another fucked up one.

this 12 year old boy wakes up and hears a commotion coming from his parents room.
when he goes to see what it is, theres his dad, with his mom bent over just bangin away at her.
just as the father is about to finish he looks over and sees his son standing there.
not knowing what to do he just smiles and gives his son a big thumbs up. 
so the boy runs back to his room.
after awhile the dad starts thinking he should explain things to his son.
so he goes to his room, but cant find him. checks all over the house, but cant find hide nor hair.
after awhile the father hears this commotion coming from gramas room.
the father opens the door, and theres the son, and hes got his grandma bent over, just goin to town on her.
the father freaks out and screams "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING"
and the kid goes
"Not so funny when its your mom is is mutherfucker"


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## Toker88 (Aug 30, 2009)

Brick Top said:


> *Excerpts from a Dog's Diary.....*
> 
> 
> *
> ...


 
Hahaha thats cute. Nice one.


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## The2TimEr (Aug 30, 2009)

Right got a corka! 
Bungee jumping is similar to getting a blowjob off ur gran ,, it feels great just dont look down!


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## The2TimEr (Aug 30, 2009)

Whats the difference between a washing machine and a virgin??





A washing machine doesn't follow u around after dumping a load in it. hahaha


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## thechoroid (Aug 30, 2009)

A bus carrying a bunch of nuns was halted by terrorists that entered the bus and commanded them all to get undressed because they plan to rape them. One of the nuns, with tears in her eyes, while unzipping her gown pleads the terrorist to spare their oldest nun who was 70 years old. The 70 year old nun turns towards her and says: he said all, and that means everyone!


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## XxNinjaxX (Aug 31, 2009)

Keeping with the theme of nuns:

A Man was driving down the toad when he saw a sign that said 'Our Ladies Of Christ Brothel' '50 Miles'.
Sure that he has misread he shrugs it off and continues driving. He then sees a sign that says 'Our Ladies Of Christ Brothel' '20 Miles'. The man is so intrigued that when he sees the sign saying 'Out Ladies Of Christ Brothel' 'Next Left', he decides to stop in and check it out.
He knocks on the door and is greated by a Hot Nun. He says to her "Sister, I'm not sure if u know this or not, but there is a sign out on the road saying that this is a Brothel".
"It is" she replies.
"$100 2b Fukd by our Ladies of Christ'.
The man decides he wants a piece of this action and pays the head nun the $100 fee.
"Follow me" she says.
The man follows her through the church until they come to a big set of doors. The nun states that this is as far as shecan take him, but if he goes through that door then he will be fukd by A lady of Christ.
The man eagerly heads through the door and finds himself once again outside the church. As he turns to go back inside he finds the door is locked and there is a sign on the door saying 'You have just been Fukd by Our Ladies of Christ'.


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## rebelfied (Aug 31, 2009)

XxNinjaxX said:


> Eww, bird poop. Um was it a Mountain Lion? Btw, is this joke going anywhere?


 
no, it was a house cat. Dude kicks the house cat and it lands in a tree. He keep s walking and hears something walking behind him, he turns around nothing is there. 

Takes a few more steps and notices it again. Do you know what it was?


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## MisterMicro (Aug 31, 2009)

So a bud tree gains counciousness. He looks up at john with his scissors in terror trying to plead for him to stop. He mutters a ruffle in his leaf? You know what he says?


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## rebelfied (Aug 31, 2009)

uh oh...take two of the never ending story....

it just goes on and on mang


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## MisterMicro (Aug 31, 2009)

HEy that might be a good game though.


----------



## GangaFarmer420 (Aug 31, 2009)

Ok lets try this, ill start with a few lines of a story, and everyone who read the first line of my story add a few more lines and when it gets long enough ill clip it all together and see what we have created lol it wont take you long and it will be an interesting experiment. feel free to try to make it rhyme or whatever lol.

*There was a man who grew alot of pot...*​


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## rebelfied (Aug 31, 2009)

I will start it off for yall..this is two lines but...

one day in the field of 'lavender' she was looking mighty fine, 
to my surprise she would be ready at any time.


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## Thatbudguy (Aug 31, 2009)

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]I dont know if this was told but i found it funny[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT] 
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT] 
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much."
[/FONT]


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

Brick Top said:


> Guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What
> will you have?" The guy says, "Martini." The robot brings back the best
> martini ever and says to the man, "Whats your IQ?" The guy says, "168".
> The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and
> ...


I already repped you but this deserves some down the road. Nice! Was it posted in the politics forum yet? If not do it.


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

These are some great jokes. The only way to remember them is to tell them over and over. I've always enjoyed good jokes and showed some love to the ones I liked. Unfortunately couldn't rep people more than once. I posted these in another forum a while back, but will post them all again. Laughing is a good thing. 

PET MOUSE

The parents were going out on a night on the town and left the older brother to take care of his little sister. After the parents left he takes his sister to his room and asks if she would like to see his 'pet mouse.'

Sure she said with a smile.. 

So he pulls out his penis so just the head is showing and says isn't he cute?

"Yes hes so cute" she replied.

He said if you pet him he will grow..

"Really" she said with a sparkle in her eye.. So she pet him and he grew.

He the said..."He really likes it if you kiss him. He will be your best friend."

So she starts kissing him.

The parents walk in shortly after this and all they hear is the boy yelling upstairs at the top of his lungs, so they run up and asked what is happening.... The little girl said .. 

"He was showing me his pet mouse but then he spit on me so I bit his head off."


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

Tommy's mom was in the kitchen and was baking a cake when she accidentally hit knocked over a bottle of BB's into the mix. Thinking it would do no harm she just left them in there. Later on Tommy comes running down the stairs yelling.. " Mommy Mommy... I just pissed a BB!"

"Oh don't worry about it Tommy. It shouldn't happen again."

He goes back upstairs and a bit later he comes running down the stairs again and says " Mommy.. Mommy I just pissed BB's again."

The mom once again assured him it would be okay and probably won't happen again.

Next day she is in the kitchen again and Tommy comes running down the stairs yelling " Mommy...Mommy" to where she quickly interrupted and said.... 

"Let me guess, you just pissed BB's"

He said "No Mommy.. I was masturbating and I shot the dog and I think he is dead."


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

Two ladies go fishing. While approaching the pond the one lady says to the other... I will fish the left side of the lake today, you can fish the right.

After the day was over the lady on the left side of the pond had caught all of the fish.

The next time they went fishing the lady said..today I will fish on the right side of the pond, you can fish the left side.

Once again when the day was over the lady on the right side had caught all of the fish.

Her friend was puzzled and confused and said to her friend... "I just don't understand. You fished on the left side the first day and caught all of the fish and I caught none. Then the next time you fished on the right side and caught all of the fish and I caught none. How do you know which side of the pond to fish on."

She said it's simple... each morning before I go fishing I lift up the covers and see which side my husbands penis is lying on. If it is on the left, I fish on the left.. if it is on the right, I fish on the right.

Her friend asked her... "What if it is in the middle?"

She said with a smile... "I don't go fishing on those days"


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

What do homosexuals call hemorrhoids ?

Speed bumps.


( No offense meant.. just a joke )


----------



## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

What does a man with a 12" penis eat for breakfast?


This morning I had bacon and eggs.


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

A dog flea and crotch crab were best friends. They always met on the park bench the same time each day. One day they were sitting there talking and the dog flea notices a gorgeous yellow lab being walked up the sidewalk and says to the crotch crab.... " I think I will take a ride on that dog. See you tomorrow same time."

Well the crotch crab noticed the girl walking him was also a hot blond and decided to take a trip himself and jumped on the girl as she passed by.

The following day the flea is there waiting on the crab but he never shows up.. Next day nothing.. Week later, still no crab. Finally one day the crab shows back up and the flea asked him..."Where the hell have you been? We were suppose to meet here the following day."

Crotch crab said..." You won't believe what happened to me. I jumped on that blond and the first thing she did was go home and take a shower and tried to drown me. Next she gets out of the shower and puts on some body talc and almost suffocated me. The she went to a bar and started drinking...spilt a bit of liquor down her pants ....the next thing I remember was waking up on some truck drivers mustache heading to Montana!"


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

A little boy is walking down a dirt road and has some wire in his hand. The farmer who was standing on the front porch as he passed by yelled to him and said..." Son...where do you think you are going with that wire in your hand?"

The boy replied..."This ain't just any wire farmer..this is chicken wire and I'm about to go catch me some chickens."

Farmer scratched his head and said..." You ain't gonna catch no chickens that away boy."

Sure enough a couple of hours later here comes the boy with a chicken under each arm.

A few days later the boy is walking up the road and this time has some tape in his hands. Tossing it in the air and catching it. The farmer again notices the boy and asks....

"Son, where do you think you are going with that tape in your hands?"

The boy replied...." This ain't just any tape farmer, this is 'duck' tape and I'm going to go catch some ducks."

Again the farmer scratched his head, laughed and said..."You ain't gonna catch any ducks with that tape boy."

Here he comes again a few hours later and sure enough a duck under each arm.

A few more days pass and the boy comes walking up the dirt road with a large stick in his hand...tapping it on the road as he walks along. Again the farmer notices this and yells to the boy....

"Son, where are you going now with that stick in your hand?"

The boy replied...." Farmer this ain't just any stick. I got this stick off of a pussy willow tree."

The farmer said in a rush....."Hold on son, let me get my hat." 
__________________


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

A man is driving along and notices a girl walking and stops and asks if she needs a ride. She said "sure."He asks her where she wants to go and she said oh just to the top of the hill over there...so he takes her and she said you can stop here. She looks at him and asks if he wants a blowjob and he says that would be great! So the lady blows him and when she is finished she said.."That will be $15." He looks at her and asks "Why should I pay you $15?" and the lady said.. "I forgot to tell you I'm a hooker."

The man looks at her and said " Well you owe me $20." The lady then says 'why would I owe you $20?"... He said because I forgot to tell you that I'm a taxi driver.

__________________


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

Each day on his way to school Johnny would have to pass by this whore house. Each morning the same lady would be out there sitting on the steps, smoking a cigarette in her blue robe. When Johnny would pass by she would wave to him with her pinky finger and say "Hi little boy."

This went on for about a week and the boy was not understanding what she was doing so he went to her and asked..." Why each time I pass by you wave to me with your pinky and say "Hi little boy" to me? 

She said "Well, you are a little boy and that is how I express it."

So the following day he passes by again and she is there and the normal happens.. She waves with her pinky and says " Hi little boy."

The little boy drops his bookbag and puts his index fingers inside his mouth pulling out hard on each cheek and yells " Hey you fucking whore!" 
__________________


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

For anybody who doesn't know who Hellen Keller was she was a moot. Blind, deaf and dumb. These are a bit older so maybe you've heard some of them.

How did Helen Keller break her arm?
Trying to read a speed limit sign.

How did she burn her fingers?
Trying to read the waffle iron.

Why was her leg yellow?
Her dog was blind too.

How did she burn her ear?
Answering the iron.

How did her parents punish her?
Left the toilet plunger in the toilet. ( Or, rearrange the furniture)

Why did her dog jump off of the cliff?
You would too if your name was ( Can't spell how it would sound but its how a moot would call a dog) Funny when heard.


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## bluetick (Aug 31, 2009)

Three guys go to a party and it grows and grows until they all get separated. They meet up a few days later and were all discussing how fucked up they got at that party. 

The first guy says..." Man, I got so fucked up that night I went home and blew chunks!"

Second guy said..."Thats nothing! I ran my car into a ditch and hit a telephone pole on the way home. Ditched the car and called a taxi and tow truck."

Third guys says .. " I have you both beat. When I got home I started banging my girl and didn't realize it but knocked over the candle onto the carpet and caught the damn place on fire. Fire trucks and police showed up and everything."

First guy leans over in a calm voice and says..." I don't think you guys understand but 'Chunks' is my dog."


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## Xeno420 (Aug 31, 2009)

captain chronizzle said:


> i used this one the other day on a different thread. but here it is again:
> 
> why do rednecks do it doggystyle?
> 
> ...


LMAO!!! Good one.


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## Xeno420 (Aug 31, 2009)

bluetick said:


> For anybody who doesn't know who Hellen Keller was she was a moot. Blind, deaf and dumb. These are a bit older so maybe you've heard some of them.
> 
> How did Helen Keller break her arm?
> Trying to read a speed limit sign.
> ...


This is fucked up but it's hella funny! lol, good job.


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## thechoroid (Sep 1, 2009)

XxNinjaxX said:


> Keeping with the theme of nuns:
> 
> A Man was driving down the toad when he saw a sign that said 'Our Ladies Of Christ Brothel' '50 Miles'.
> Sure that he has misread he shrugs it off and continues driving. He then sees a sign that says 'Our Ladies Of Christ Brothel' '20 Miles'. The man is so intrigued that when he sees the sign saying 'Out Ladies Of Christ Brothel' 'Next Left', he decides to stop in and check it out.
> ...


Lol. Here's one more. A guy had a problem keeping his penis down and whenever he saw any girl, it would rise like a monster. He goes to the doctor and asks for help.The doctor reccommends he pour some cold water on it and it should go back to normal. So this guy was once in a party with booties bouncin and asses kickin so had a major super hard on. He runs to the kitchen to find some cold water but finds only milk in the fridge. As he starts pouting it out on his weener, 2 nuns saw him through the glass and the first says to the other: "I told you they refill them"


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## v12xjs (Sep 1, 2009)

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. 
This is considered to be a major break through because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


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## Mundan (Sep 2, 2009)

ok gonna give this a try.

There was an old rooster who had been on the same farm his whole life and never had a problem being the alpha male but now coming to the end of his life the farmer decided it was time to buy a new rooster. Returning home from the market the farmer brought with him a young buffed up Rhode island red. The young rooster approaches the old one and says "This is my land now old man so get use to it". The old rooster responds Ok young buck if you can beat me in a race around the farm house I will let you have all you see but I only wish for a 5 second head start". The young rooster agrees as the old rooster takes off running and after waiting 5 seconds takes of as well.As they approach the front porch of the farm house the old rooster see's the young rooster approaching fast and falls face first to the ground and starts squawking as if being killed.The farmer hears this and see's the old rooster being chased bye the young one. Upon retrieving his shotgun he fires one shot killing the young one. The farmer shakes his head and says "Damn that's the third gay rooster I killed this week"


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## rebelfied (Sep 2, 2009)

Mundan said:


> ok gonna give this a try.
> 
> There was an old rooster who had been on the same farm his whole life and never had a problem being the alpha male but now coming to the end of his life the farmer decided it was time to buy a new rooster. Returning home from the market the farmer brought with him a young buffed up Rhode island red. The young rooster approaches the old one and says "This is my land now old man so get use to it". The old rooster responds Ok young buck if you can beat me in a race around the farm house I will let you have all you see but I only wish for a 5 second head start". The young rooster agrees as the old rooster takes off running and after waiting 5 seconds takes of as well.As they approach the front porch of the farm house the old rooster see's the young rooster approaching fast and falls face first to the ground and starts squawking as if being killed.The farmer hears this and see's the old rooster being chased bye the young one. Upon retrieving his shotgun he fires one shot killing the young one. The farmer shakes his head and says "Damn that's the third gay rooster I killed this week"


Repoast


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## shajuggalo (Sep 2, 2009)

whats the difference between a drunk and a stoner.

a drunk stops at a stop sign and a stoner waits for it to turn green


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## newb19547 (Sep 2, 2009)

a guy walks into a bar and says......."ouch"


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## toocoolo (Sep 7, 2009)

shajuggalo said:


> whats the difference between a drunk and a stoner.
> 
> a drunk stops at a stop sign and a stoner waits for it to turn green


LOL!!! Good one!

I remember driving with a friend a while ago. Both stoned to the bone stopped at a malfunctioning streetlight that was just flashing it's 3 lights randomly. We just stopped there for hours hoping it would come to a sense. After a while we both agreed that the stoplight was probably high too, probably on something way stronger. We named it "The street light on crack", and thought it was a cool name for a band. We passed by it while it kept flashing the 3 colors randomly while we kept driving...


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## mrsag3 (Sep 7, 2009)

shajuggalo said:


> whats the difference between a drunk and a stoner.
> 
> a drunk stops at a stop sign and a stoner waits for it to turn green


Haha I'd forgotten that one, I always heard it as a drunk will run a red light but a stoner will stop for a green one... classic. Here's my bit.



A bus, carrying only butt-ugly people crashes into a gasoline truck and everyone inside burns and dies. They meet their Maker and, because of the pain they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise.

They're all lined up and God asks the first one what their wish is.

"I want to be beautiful, " and so, God snaps His fingers and it is done.

The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be handsome!" Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with everyone making the same wish. But, when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts giggling, and he gets louder and louder with each wish. When there are only ten people left, this guy is giggling uncontrollably, barely able to breathe, tears running down his cheeks.

Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually manages to catch his breath and says, "Make 'em all ugly, again."


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## GangaFarmer420 (Sep 7, 2009)

Hahahaha there's tons of good jokes on here nice ones guys keep it up


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## Astorian101 (Sep 7, 2009)

lol all good jokes


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## poke smot420 (Sep 8, 2009)

want to hear the funniest joke in the world? womens rights









haha just kidding


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## ndosmoke (Sep 16, 2009)

white man black man and asian manget shipwrecked on an island... to survive they serparate the work detail... whiteman,"i'll get the wood, black man you get the water, and asian man you get the supplies." So the nexyt morning the whitemans wood and the blackmans water was there, but no asian man. they seearched the whole entire island for him all day. they came to an entrance to a dark cave, and the asian man popped out and yelled " SUPPLIES!!!"


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## ndosmoke (Sep 16, 2009)

a man and his wife were in their bedroom... the wife is standing in the mirror and says " baby, i feel fat and ugly... give me a compliment". the man said "bitch you got perfect vision."


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## ndosmoke (Sep 16, 2009)

i bought a new deodorant today. the directions said" Take off top & Push up bottom". It's hard to walk, but my farts smell freakin awesome!


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## ndosmoke (Sep 16, 2009)

Kangaroos can't walk backwards


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## hippietoker18 (Sep 26, 2009)

alright i got one haha.
go up to some one and say,
"hey, if i wash my cock would you suck it??
(they should reply no)
You dirty cock sucker!"


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## npsant (Sep 26, 2009)

As I was traveling through scottland, I had got a little turned around and found myself on a country road that seemed to just go on forever, will finaly I passed over this cool stone bridge and saw a hand painted sign that read! for the next town! left! I did as directed, cool place there was neat cottage as I turned left, just a beautiful place, then as I truned again at this low built stone wall that ran along the road, I was the thing I really needed a Pub Oh Ya, pulled in an parked and went in, as I was setting there, a man sat next to me at the bar, I through why not have a chat, so I said! hi you a local? he answered Aye I am, no sure what else to say I asked his name? he said my name is Mcgregor, I asked? so Mr, Mcgregor what do you do around here? and this is what he said.

Did yo see the bridge? as you came down the road? 

I answered Ya?

Aye I built that bridge from the ground up! cut the stone and carried every stone for the fields and placed every stone til it was done! the town needed, you think they'd call me Mcgregor the bridge builder.

All I could say was cool!

Did yo see the cottage?

Ya!

I built that cottage! I cut the studs from the tree's in the forest, hand made the nails, I built that cottage from the ground up! YOU think they would call me Mcgregor the Cottage builder?

Now as we had been talking we had been drinking all a long an fast to for some reason, my head started to swin from the pints of drak ale.

At this point all I got say was Cool!!

Slurring his words my self to!

Now He said.

The Wall did you pass the Wall ?

I replied Ya it was cool to!? 

He again said, I built that dam Wall! collected the rocks poured the mortor, set every rock and built that Wall from the ground Up? He says proudly.

Then he truns to the rest of the Pub, Stands up spread his arms wide and yeld! 

BUT NO YOU FUCK ONE SHEEP!! AND WHAT DO THEY CALL YA???


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## tea tree (Sep 26, 2009)

Q=How did the amputee get married on the first date?

A=He stumped her!


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## tea tree (Sep 26, 2009)

How do you know your girfreind is a slut?

The paraplegic can't keep his hands off her!kiss-ass


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## tea tree (Sep 26, 2009)

I dont want to profile who is a bad driver or not, but he kept turning to the right!


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## tea tree (Sep 26, 2009)

lol, sorry if those are all bad but I just wrote `em now, God I love pain meds!


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## 46and2 (Sep 26, 2009)

THE BLONDE AND THE COW" 

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. 
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' 
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. 
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.' 
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?' 
'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently. 
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?' 
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, 
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.' 
(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in a while.)


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## tea tree (Sep 26, 2009)

I bet kids get bored with crayawns. 

lol, the blonde joke si funny as fuck. Nice to see a clean joke tonight.


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## 46and2 (Sep 26, 2009)

A couple had been married for 50 years. 
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the 
wife says, 
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast 
table together.' 
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked 
as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's revive some old times.' 
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the 
table. 
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My 
nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee 
and the other is in your oatmeal


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## Permabuzz (Oct 3, 2009)

MisterMicro said:


> Ok so this kid has Severe Down Syndrome.


 
idk y i cracked up just by reading this its so random lol


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## GangaFarmer420 (Nov 20, 2009)

BUMP! dont let the down syndrom joke get you down!


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## CdnBud (Nov 23, 2009)

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '
'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.


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## dgk4life (Nov 23, 2009)

+rep for that joke


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## CSI Stickyicky (Nov 23, 2009)

Roses are red, Violets are blue......
.....Anal?


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## dgk4life (Nov 23, 2009)

i feel anal is gr8 when u fuck a bitch.. how about you?


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## GangaFarmer420 (Nov 24, 2009)

a man sits in a bar and orders a drink, a blonde female sits beside him, she begins to run her hand up the mans leg, the man turns to the women and realizes its not some hot blonde its a tranny, she/he looks at him and whispers "it could be our little secret" the man jumps up and says "first off its not a small secret and second it doesn't want to come out and play" the tranny looking confused replies" what do you mean its not a small secret?" 
the man smirks at the tranny and replies "My dick idoit, i named it secret. you know why?" Tranny: "Why?" The man replys " Secret.. Strong enough for a man, made for a women. Now fuck off"


_i made this joke up just now, hope all yall like it.
Rep me if you do   _


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## Haywood Yablowme (Dec 6, 2009)

Ya'll know why we know the Toothbrush was invited in Arkansas?

Any where else in the world it would be called a Teethbrush.....

Being from Arkansas, I always thought that was pretty fuckin funny.
i do have all mine btw


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## skate4theherb (Dec 6, 2009)

"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes, what do you want?" "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hidingmarijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They searchthe shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, butfind no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Happy Birthday, Buddy!"


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## skate4theherb (Dec 6, 2009)

ok ok one more

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?" 
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?" 
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again. 
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?" 
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!" 
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?" 
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."


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## dgk4life (Dec 6, 2009)

if chicks with big tits work at hooters.. where do chicks wit one leg work??












IHOP !


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## GangaFarmer420 (Dec 6, 2009)

skate4theherb said:


> ok ok one more
> 
> A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
> The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
> ...


LOL!!!! thats pretty funny


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## GoldenGoatchronic (Dec 7, 2009)

If wheres waldo, and carmen sandiego fucked, would their kid be invisible?


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## thchero (Dec 8, 2009)

redneck gets married him and his new wife are just about to have sex for the fist time and the women says to the man this is my first time.THe man gets scared and runs to his dads house say dad what do i do she is a virgin .dad saysgood thing you left if she aint good enough for her family she aint good enough for ours


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## BOOM WHOMP (Dec 8, 2009)

A man and child are holding hands and walking into the woods together when the child says to the man..i am kinda scared to go in there. The man turns to the child and says..your scared! I have to walk out of here alone. Hahaha


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## thchero (Dec 9, 2009)

what did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob.......we better get some support befor people think were nuts


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## thchero (Dec 13, 2009)

not really jokes but funny just the same


here i sit in steam and vapour
someone stole the fuckin paper
no need to worry 
no need to lingure 
watch out asshole here comes my finger

here i sit all broken harted
paid a dime and only farted 
yesterday i took a chance 
saved a dime and shit my pants

sypholis crabs blueballs and lice 
ive hadem all by jesus christ


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## thchero (Dec 13, 2009)

man walks into bar sits down orders a drink 
bartender gives him a drink 
man drinks it takes off his hat looks inside puts it back on his head and orders another drink
bartender gives him a drink
and again the man drinks it and takes off his hat and looks inside puts it back on and orders another drink
this goes on for a couple hours and the bartender has to ask
why do you look at your hat after every drink 
the man replies i have a picture of my wife in there when she looks good i go home


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## The Real Peter Parker (Dec 13, 2009)

What did the quadriplegic blind boy get for Christmas?


cancer.





Why did the little girl fall off the swing?




because she had no arms.


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## Zarezhu (Dec 20, 2009)

ahahahaha no arms. pwnt


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## Puff Puff Give (Dec 21, 2009)

thchero said:


> redneck gets married him and his new wife are just about to have sex for the fist time and the women says to the man this is my first time.THe man gets scared and runs to his dads house say dad what do i do she is a virgin .dad saysgood thing you left if she aint good enough for her family she aint good enough for ours



thats some funny shit ahahaha


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## bluetick (Dec 21, 2009)

An 8 year old boy is sitting on the front steps. His mom looks out and notices he would eat an M&M, lick the cat and then move down a step. He would continue this over and over. The mom comes out and ask him what he is doing there eating M&M's, then licking the cat and then moving down a step. He said mom I'm playing truck driver. She said truck driver? He said yea, I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving on.


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## dgk4life (Dec 21, 2009)

plus rep for that truck driver joke bro


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## stinkyg (Dec 24, 2009)

my buddy came back from his one night stand and said "damn that girl was dirty" i was intrigued to say the least ....
until he said he showed her really dirty sex.......
used her toilet,left a big turd in the bowl,called her in, bent her over the bowl with her head in it n said "how you like dirty sex now beeaatch !!


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## GangaFarmer420 (Dec 28, 2009)

Here's a great pick up line next time your in the bar and see a fine lady you want to bring home this works everytime!

"why dont you come over to myspace so you can twitter my yahoo and i can google all over your facebook!!!


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## Jddownsouth (Dec 30, 2009)

A man is in Las Vegas and goes to the restroom to pee. As he is standing at the urinal a leprechan walks in and uses the kiddie urinal beside him. The man can't help but notice that the leprechan has a HUGE member! He asks the leprechan: "how do have a dick that huge? I can't help but notice!" The leprechan says "It's me leprechan magic sonny, we all have members like this." The man asks, "There must be some way to give me some leprechan magic?" The leprechan says hes sorry but you have to be born a leprechan. But then he pauses and says "there is ONE other way, but you wouldn't be interested." The man says he'd give anything to have a dick that big. The leprechan says "well laddy, for me to give you some of my leprechan dick magic, I have to fuck you with it." The man realizes he will never have another chance like this and bends over. As he winces in pain he says "I can't believe I'm going through this, but it will be worth it!" The leprechan finishes and says "I can't believe you thought I was a real leprechan!"


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## robert 14617 (Dec 30, 2009)

a little boy walks in to his parents room and sees them fucking ,the dad goes to talk to the boy but he's not in his room, looking through the house he finds the boy in his grad ma's room just plowing that ass ,the boy looks up to dad and says its not too funny when its your mom
__________________


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## 2much (Dec 30, 2009)

mr and mrs martian are on vacation and they see earth from their spaceship, mrs martian says "oh honey, lets go there". so mr martian hangs a left and heads toward earth.
meanwhile, mr and mrs smith are out on the back porch enjoying the warm night and as they look at the stars they see a ufo. and holy shit its landing in our back yard exclaims mrs smith!
mr and mrs martian come out of their ship and introduce themselves and mr and mrs smith invite them to have some cocktails. after a few drinks and blunts they all loosin up and mrs martian says "you know, we'll never see each other again so wouldnt it be fun to swap partners for the night?
so they do. 
mr martian and mrs smith go into the bedroom and mr martian takes off his space suit,well mrs smith shows disappointment so mr martian twists his ear and his meat gets huge. mrs martian smiles and they get after it for the rest of the night.

when morning comes mr and mrs martian have left and mr and mrs smith are drinkin their morning coffee and finally mrs smith says. well honey? howd you like that martian pussy?
he says , oh it was ok but fuck! my ears are killin me!


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## CaptainPointless (Jan 1, 2010)

*EDIT: FIRST POSTED JOKE OF THE NEW YEAR!*

Here's a few more Helen Keller jokes for those of us that are going to hell for sure.

*
Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?*
Because she has to moan with the other one!

*Why can't Helen Keller drive?
*Because she's a woman!


And one more random joke.

*A vampire walks into a bar, and sits down on one of the stools. Bartender asks him, "what can I get ya, friend?" Vampire says, "I'd like a glass of hot water, please." Bartender gives him a weird look, and says, "I thought you guys only drank blood! Well, I don't have blood, but you can have a Vodka Cranberry." So the vampire finishes the drink, and again asks for a glass of hot water. Bartender says, "I just can't believe you want water...Here, have a Bloody Mary." The vampire looks annoyed, but takes the drink without arguing. He finishes, and once more, asks the bartender for a glass of hot water. Bartender says, "Alright, what gives? You've asked three times now, and I just can't figure out why any vampire would want a glass of water." The vampire reaches into his pocket, pulls out a bloody tampon, and says, "The water was so I could make tea."*


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## igrowdro (Jan 2, 2010)

(u ask)two birds sitting on a fence, one named pete, the other named repeat, peat flies away, who is left

(they answer)repeat.

(u ask again)two birds sitting on a fence, one named pete, the other named repeat, pete flies away, who is left

(they answer again)repeat

(you ask)two birds sitting on a fence, one named pete, the other named repeat, pete flies away, who is left

ok this can go on forever or until they finally get it.

3 niggers and a taliban get on a plane, who gets off first?? michelle and the kids(no offence, i am not racist)


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## palehawaiian (Jan 2, 2010)

An Asian man goes to the optometrist and the doc tells him you have a cataract and he said no i dont i drive a wrinkun


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## herbose (Jan 2, 2010)

Two cowboys sitting in a bar talking about sex. One says "The RODEO POSITION is definitely my favorite." Other cowboy says "What the hell is the RODEO POSITION?" First cowboy says "Well...what you do is get the woman on all fours, mount her from behind, and as soon as you stick it in you reach around, grab her tits and say "These feel just like your sister's.........then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."


----------



## igrowdro (Jan 2, 2010)

two gay men fought in a gay bar, and um..... well you were there what else happened


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## igrowdro (Jan 3, 2010)

this one guy's wife was always cheatn on him. he told her one day before he left to work, "if i catch u cheatn on me one more time, i'm gonna tie you down to the bed, and rip all of your pubic hairs out 1 by 1." and he left for work. while he was gone, the dark haired wife was sittin on the couch watchn a porno and masturbating. she thought to herself "i cant take it anymore". she went out side butt ass naked and there was a black man walkin by. she yelled out "hey come up here, i'll give you a quarter." so he walked up to the step and she gave him a shiney quarter. she said "come inside with me", and the black man said "for a quarter." she gave him another quarter and they went inside. She said go to the back room on the right. and again the black man said "for a quarter." when they were in the room, she said get in the bed and get naked. black guy said "for a quarter." when he was naked, she didn't waste any time to get what she wanted. she hears the front door open and she threw the black guy under the bed and told him to be quite. "for a quarter." she quickly gave him a quarter and put her bra and panties on and as her husband was walkin into the room she started pulling her panties down and she said "finally you are home." her husband wrapped her up in his arms and threw her on the bed and started to go down on her, and he smelled an unfamilliar smell. he said "you cheated on me again" and he gets some rope and ties her to the bed and gets some tweezers and started ripping out her pubic hairs 1 by 1. The dark haired wife was insisting that she did not cheat, and every time she said she didn't cheat he ripped another one out. he finally got down to the very last 1 and snatched it and it didn't come out. he pulled and pulled. but nothing worked. frustrated the husband says come out you black son of a bitch. the black man sticks his hand out from under the bed and said "for a quarter"


----------



## igrowdro (Jan 3, 2010)

on the first day of school, the teacher says "hi class, i am mrs golding. I would like for each one of you to stand up and tell me a little about yourself." the young girl in the first seat stands up and says, "hi class, my name is sadie, one day when i become a ladie, i would like to have a baby. that i think i can." the teacher says "that is very nice sadie. you may have a seat." the boy behind her stands up and says "hi class, my name is stan, one day when i become a man, i would like to travel to japan. that i think i can. the teacher says "that is nice stan. you may be seated." the bad boy in the back stands up and says "first of all my gotdamn name aint stan, i dont give a flying fuck if i eeever go to japan, i just want to stay and help miss sadie with her plan, that i know i can."


----------



## igrowdro (Jan 3, 2010)

a hippie gets on a late night bus, and notices the only passenger is a nun in the 4th row. he sits down across the isle from her and stares at her. the woman is very distruct at the lustful look on the hippies face. the bus driver stops where she normally gets off and she bolts to the door, and off of the bus. the hippie moves up to the seat behind the driver. The hippie says " that was a mighty fine woman in the black gown, i'd sure like to get with her." the bus driver said to the hippie " that was a nun. they are sworn to chasticity for the rest of lives, and dont have sex with any1 that is human or animal on this earth. but i will tell you how to score with her if you lick my nipples once a piece." the driver lifts his shirt and the hippie slobbers all over the hairy stiff nipples, once a piece. The bus driver said "to get a nun, you must dress up as jebus and appear as they are praying. the nun that you want is always at the 6th street semitary at 12am praying face down on her knees under the statue of jebus. that is where i pick her up and that where she just came from" The light haired hippie thinks " well my scruffy beard is not the right color so i'll need a darker one. perhaps one that has rubber bands and wrapps around my ears." he finds a dark colored beard in the clearance halloween basket at walmart. he finds an old scruffy robe that was in the attack at his dying grandmothers. and he already has the slip on sandles. he waits till it is almost midnight and begins to walk to the semitary. "sure enough" he thought, "there she is, on her knees, face down praying under the statue of jebus." he walks up behind her and say "fear not my child, i have decended from the heavens above to answer your prayers. i have always heard your prayers, and grant you my blessing." the nun turns around, still on her knees and keeps her face down, not to look at her lord in the flesh. the nun says "it is time to serve you in any way possible. the hippie says "lift your gown and i shall take thy virginity." the nun says "ok but do me in the butt, i like it in the butt." the hippie runs to the back and puts it in the hot sweaty hole. "20 minutes later he pulls out and nuts on the ground." he starts laughing and dancing over the nun that is still on her knees and face down. while he is still dancing around, the nun asked "whats so funny?" he pulls off his fake beard and says "I"M THE HIPPIEEEEEE" The nun jumps up and looks at the hippie pulls off the gown and says "I"M THE BUS DRIVEEERRRRRR"


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## skokie (Jan 3, 2010)

SO a little Jewish boy walks up to his father and says "dad, can I have $20 dollars?" 

And his father says "$15 dollars, what do you need $10 dollars for?" 

LMAO... No prejudice indented, just really funny.


----------



## dgk4life (Jan 3, 2010)

i got a good one.. sum pppl actually thought the eagles were gonna beat the cowboys today.... lmao i know i know


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## robert 14617 (Jan 5, 2010)

the texans can still go to the super bowel , and if they buy there tickets now they can sit together


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## Gotfiv5onit (Jan 6, 2010)

dgk4life said:


> i got a good one.. sum pppl actually thought the eagles were gonna beat the cowboys today.... lmao i know i know





Same people that think that the Eagles are going to win Saturday?


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## dgk4life (Jan 6, 2010)

those same ppl thought they were gonna win last sunday and well we all know how that turned out lol


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## bobtokes (Jan 6, 2010)

save all the hassel of getting married and divorced,
just find a girl that hates your guts and give her a house !


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## Pipe Dream (Jan 7, 2010)

captain chronizzle said:


> i used this one the other day on a different thread. but here it is again:
> 
> why do rednecks do it doggystyle?
> 
> ...


 
why do meth addicts do it doggy style?











so they can both peek out the window


----------



## CaptainPointless (Jan 8, 2010)

Pipe Dream said:


> why do meth addicts do it doggy style?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Why do pot smokers do it doggy style?














So they can both watch the timer on the microwave.


----------



## MisterMicro (Jan 8, 2010)

Why do crack heads do it doggy style?













So they can smoke more crack and talk to the dude sitting on the couch..


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## Pipe Dream (Jan 8, 2010)

lol @ the dude sitting on the coach 

what about johnny like skinny girls but he never turns down a fatty-classic

im gettin high like i said it was some chocolate thai and some indonesia watch me fly - pac

whats up yall my names bart burnt
i hear takin a day off smokin wouldnt hurt
ahh fuck it ill smoke twice as much today 
what i do i need this little stupid brain for anyway?
-high and mighty


----------



## CdnBud (Jan 10, 2010)

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


----------



## Skunk#1 (Jan 10, 2010)

A guy walks into his bedroom with a duck under his arm 

and says "this is the pig I been fucking" 

and the Wife says that aint a pig thats a duck 

and the guy say "I was talking to the duck"

That was one of my Dads favorite jokes of all time


----------



## Pipe Dream (Jan 14, 2010)

probably already seen this but I just found this today its funny as hell.

It reminds me of a hilarious story back in the day we were at a friends house and they had some skidmarks in their underwear in the bathroom. We laughed hard about this and than we were talking about it about 2 months ago and than a week later on this persons facebook or myspace page it asked do you think ------ wears dirty underwear? I was like hell no unbelievably I guess it was just some random poll not anybodies doing lolololol


----------



## God's Balls (Jan 15, 2010)

What's the difference between a washing machine and an altar boy?

The washing machine won't follow you around all day after you dump your load in it.


----------



## travisjk (Jan 15, 2010)

Two hookers are standing on the corner.
One turns to the other and asks "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The other hooker turns and replies "No, but i've been swung around by the tits!"


----------



## robert 14617 (Jan 16, 2010)

piss ball pete was a fuckin ole fool ,he fucked his teacher on the first day of school. he lined 100 women up aginst the wall, swore to god he was going to fuck them all. 
he fucked 98 till his ball's turned blue ,he backed off jacked off and fucked the other two.
piss ball pete died and went to hell , 100 little deamons were running up the wall screaming stop that bastard before he fucks us all


----------



## God's Balls (Jan 17, 2010)

What's one thing four out of five people can agree on?

Gang rape.


----------



## MisterMicro (Jan 17, 2010)

robert 14617 said:


> piss ball pete was a fuckin ole fool ,he fucked his teacher on the first day of school. he lined 100 women up aginst the wall, swore to god he was going to fuck them all.
> he fucked 98 till his ball's turned blue ,he backed off jacked off and fucked the other two.
> piss ball pete died and went to hell , 100 little deamons were running up the wall screaming stop that bastard before he fucks us all



Haha did you make that shit up?


Whats the difference between a black and a chinese dude? Dees nuts. 


Haha idk i had to say something.


----------



## robert 14617 (Jan 17, 2010)

i learned that in the third grade MM, that was back in ,1975 fuck i'm getting old ....rob


----------



## dangledo (Jan 22, 2010)

whats the difference between jam and jelly?


cant jelly your dick down a bitches throat.


----------



## v12xjs (Jan 23, 2010)

I met a guy yesterday who is half American and half Iraqi. 
He's his own worst enemy.


----------



## robert 14617 (Jan 23, 2010)

WARNING : ONLY Read This WHEN You Are Able To 



LAUGH OUT LOUD. 

 I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off. 

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. 

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me. 

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot. 

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. 

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.. .......BIG mistake!!!!! 

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place. 
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left. 

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' 

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his aprom up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. 

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.


----------



## WhiteWiddow (Jan 23, 2010)

robert 14617 said:


> WARNING : ONLY Read This WHEN You Are Able To
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 im sorry but that was so fucking stupid its not even funny


----------



## robert 14617 (Jan 24, 2010)

WhiteWiddow said:


> im sorry but that was so fucking stupid its not even funny


 opinions are like ass holes everyone has one but you don't alway need to hear them


----------



## dangledo (Jan 24, 2010)

WhiteWiddow said:


> im sorry but that was so fucking stupid its not even funny


very similar to your hat and mask.


----------



## Hauvert (Jan 24, 2010)

dangledo said:


> very similar to your hat and mask.


haha now that was funny. idk why.


----------



## dangledo (Jan 24, 2010)

cause he is the epitome of a hater. later on that, for now I gotta get home and put water in his mommas' dish.


----------



## thchero (Jan 27, 2010)

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise 



I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons: 
I do physical labor. 
I work at great depths. 
I plunge headfirst into everything I do. 
I do not get weekends or public holidays off. 
I work in a damp environment. 
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation. 
I work in high temperatures. 
My work exposes me to contagious diseases. 
Sincerely, 

P. Niss 

The Response 

Dear Penis: 
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your 
request for the following reasons: 
You do not work 8 hours straight. 
You fall asleep after brief work periods. 
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are 
often seen visiting other locations. 
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working. 
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift. 
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the 
Correct protective clothing. 
You will retire well before you are 65. 
You are unable to work double shifts. 
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.. 
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two 
suspicious-looking bags. 
Sincerely, 

V. Gina


----------



## The2TimEr (Feb 4, 2010)

thchero said:


> The Day the Penis asked for a Raise
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My m8 jus told me that tonight as it happens haha,
was asked some questions in my biology exam today on cells, apparently scoucers and niggaz aint the answer!!


----------



## ruderalis88 (Feb 4, 2010)

two whales overturn a ship using their blowholes to move it. mr whale says to his wife "shall we eat the crew, dear?"

"good lord no!" she replies; "i might do blow jobs but i NEVER swallow seamen!"

---

ever since my old mother in law went senile all she does all day is sit and stare through the window. i was thinking that if it gets really cold soon i should bring her back in the house.


----------



## herbose (Feb 4, 2010)

Guy walks into a party, good looking lady walks up to him and says "My name is Carmen."
He says "That's a beautiful name, did your mother give it to you?"
She says "No, I made it up from my two favorite things, cars and men. What's your name?"
He says







"I'm B.J. Titsengolf."


----------



## The2TimEr (Feb 4, 2010)

herbose said:


> Guy walks into a party, good looking lady walks up to him and says "My name is Carmen."
> He says "That's a beautiful name, did your mother give it to you?"
> She says "No, I made it up from my two favorite things, cars and men. What's your name?"
> He says
> ...


 lol


----------



## God's Balls (Feb 8, 2010)

Remember back when you were a kid and used to blow bubbles?

I saw him the other day. He said hello.


----------



## dangledo (Feb 12, 2010)

As a kid I always thought salmonella was a fairy tale about a fish...........


----------



## stelthy (Feb 12, 2010)

A man and his son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, "dad, what does a pussy look like?" The dad asked him, "before or after sex?" "Ummmm, before sex", the kid replied. The dad said, "have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?" "Yeah" said the son. "Well, what about after sex?" said the son. His dad replied, "have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"!!! LOL


----------



## I <3 Bud (Mar 4, 2010)

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."


----------



## gloomysmokes707 (Mar 4, 2010)

i think when a girl queefs thats pretty funny


----------



## Dr. Greenhorn (Mar 4, 2010)

gloomysmokes707 said:


> i think when a girl queefs thats pretty funny


  I also find that funny. what do you do when it happens? laugh? LOL


----------



## UNICRONLIVES (Mar 4, 2010)

2 guys walk into a bar.....the 3rd one ducks !!!! classic!! LOL


----------



## tigerblowztreez (Mar 5, 2010)

gloomysmokes707 said:


> i think when a girl queefs thats pretty funny


"My beef (sniffs) strong."


----------



## dangledo (Mar 5, 2010)

your beef wrong...


----------



## donkey.420 (Mar 6, 2010)

the other day my girlfriend farted and got a nose bleed. i almost cried


----------



## Pipe Dream (Mar 6, 2010)

gloomysmokes707 said:


> i think when a girl queefs thats pretty funny


 Damnit sharon! That stopped being funny the second that ir came out her vagina!


----------



## edsthreads (Feb 11, 2012)

*CONDOM HISTORY*

Interesting piece of history!...

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims

invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

Do you know what the difference is between making love to a hooker, a mistress or a wife is?

A hooker says; hurry up, hurry up.

A mistress says; take your time, take your time.

A wife says; beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

Do you know what you find between an old woman's tits?


Her navel.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

Little Bobby and Little Suzie were third graders and one day at recess Little Suzie came up to Little Bobby and said, Bobby, I heard some of the older boy use a word and I don't know what it is. Since You're a boy I though you could tell me what the word means. 

Little Bobby asked, what's the word?

Little Suzie said, the word is penis. 

Gee, said Little Bobby, I don't know what that means but I'll ask my dad tonight, he knows everything. 

That night Little Bobby said, dad, I heard a word at school today and I don't know what it means, would you tell me what it means?

His dad said, sure son, what's the word?

The word is penis, said Little Bobby. 

His dad said, well son, I could tell you but it would be better if I showed you. So the two went to the bathroom and Little Bobby's dad pulled his penis out and said, son, this is a penis. And if I might add, it is the perfect penis. 

Wow, gee, thanks dad, said Little Bobby. 

The next morning Little Suzie was waiting outside the school for Little Bobby to arrive and when he got there she ran up to him and asked, Bobby, did your dad tell you what the word means? Did he tell you what penis is?

Little Bobby said he did and Little Suzy asked, what does the word mean, what's penis?

Little Bobby said, I'll tell you at recess. 

As soon and the two got outside for recess Little Suzie said, Bobby, tell me what the word means, tell me what penis is. 

Little Bobby said, Suzie, I could tell you but it would be better if I showed you, let's go behind the school. 

When the two got behind the school Little Bobby pulled out his penis and said, Suzie, this is a penis. And if I might add, if it were three inches shorter it would be the perfect penis.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

There were two old men in their 90's sitting on a park bench and one said to the other, I bet you can't guess my age. 

The other old man said he could and said, stand up, so the old man stood up. 

The other old man then said, drop your pants. 

The old man said I can't drop my pants here in a public park. 

The other old man said, if you want me to guess your age drop your pants, so the old man dropped his pants. 

Next the other old man said, pull down your underpants. 

The old man said, I can't to that, there are women and children around. 

The other old man said, if you want me to guess your age pull down your underpants, so the old man pulled down his underpants. 

Now stick the index finger of your right hand up your ass, said the other old man. 

The old man again protested but he did it anyway and right after the other old man said, your 94. 

The old man said, that's amazing, how did you know I was 94? 

The other old man said, you told me yesterday.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

There were three gay guys in a hot tub. One of them looked down and saw a blob of cum floating on the surface of the water and he looked at the other two guys and said ..... OK, who farted?


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

On Halloween a little boy with a speech impediment was getting ready to go trick or treating. He dressed up as a pirate, wore a three corner hat, an eye patch, had a fake parrot on his shoulder and a wooden sword and out he went to get candy. 

At the first house he stopped at he rang the doorbell and when a woman opened the door the little boy said, brick or breat. 

The woman said, what?

Again the little boy said, brick or breat and he held out his candy bag for the woman to see.

The woman said, oh, trick or treat. As she picked up a bowl of candy to give some to the little boy she asked him, and what are you my little man?

The little boy said, I'm a birate.

The woman said, what?

The little boy pointed at the three corner hat, eye patch, parrot and wooden sword and said, I'm a birate. 

The woman said, oh, so you're a pirate. She looked around noticing that the little boy was all alone and she asked, if you're a pirate where's your buccaneers? 

The little boy said, what?

The woman said, where's your buccaneers?

The little boy pointed at his ears and said, here's my buckin ears lady, where's your buckin eyes?


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

A young sailor was on his first mission at sea and would not make port for several months. After about a week he was really horny and he asked an older sailor how do you stand it out here for months at a time without any women?

The older sailor said, I just go to the barrel every night. 

The barrel, what's that, asked the young sailor. 

The old sailor said meet me on the foredeck at 1900 hours and I'll show you. 

At 1900 hours the young sailor got to the foredeck and there was a large barrel with a single hole in it and a long line of sailors standing in line. One after another a sailor would stick his weasel into the hole in the barrel and he would begin to moan and groan and finally he would climax and pull out of the hole in the barrel and another sailor would take his turn. 

The young sailor thought this was really freaky but he was so horny and the other sailors seemed to enjoy it so much he took a place in line. 

When his turn came the young sailor stuck his weasel into the hole in the barrel and instantly he felt a wet warm sensation and a tremendous amount of suction. He moaned and groaned and then climaxed and walked off thinking it won't be so bad being at sea for months without women after all. 

Every night for the next week he was back on the foredeck at 1900 hours and took a turn at the barrel. 

One day he saw the old sailor who had told him about the barrel so he stopped to thank him for telling him about it and when he went to go to his duty station the old sailor said, I'll see you at the barrel tonight. 

The young sailor grinned and said how did you know I'd be at the barrel tonight?

The old sailor said, because tonight it's your turn in the barrel.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

An old Jewish man was walking along a beach and he spotted something sticking out of the sand. He pulled it out and it was a very old lamp. It was covered in sand so he took his hand and started wiping the sand off the lamp and a Genie popped out. 

The Genie said, for releasing me from the lamp I will grant you one wish. 

The old Jewish man reached into his pocket and pulled out an old map and unfolded it and pointed to the Middle East. He said for thousands of years there has been nothing but pain and suffering and war and strife here. My wish it that you put an end to all of that and make the Middle East a beautiful safe good place to live. 

The Genie thought a moment and said, I am a very powerful Genie but that is beyond my powers, but I will let you pick another wish. 

The old Jewish man thought for a few minutes and said, I have been married to my wife for 40 years and she has never given me a blow job. In 40 years, not one single blow job, not one. For my wish I want you to make my wife give me just one blow job, just one single blow job is all I ask for, only one, and it doesn't have to be great, I just want one short little blow job. 

The Genie thought about it a moment and said, can I have another look at that map?


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

A middle aged woman who always ended up with men that would beat her or run around with other women and who never in her life had a really good lover decided to run an ad in a singles newspaper seeking what she called the perfect man and the perfect lover, one that would not beat her, not run around with other women and one that could satisfy her in bed.

Man after man answered her ad coming to her house and she interviewed each of them and then had sex with them and she just didn't trust any of them and none of them satisfied her in bed. 

She figured that she would never meet a perfect man for her and about then she heard her doorbell ring. She opened the door and no one was there. She started to close the door and she heard a man's voice say, hey, down here. 

She looked down and there was a man with no arms and no legs lying by her door. She asked him why he was there. 

He replied that he was answering the ad for the perfect man that wold never beat her or run around with other women and would be a perfect lover.

The woman said, I don't want to be rude but I have interviewed over a hundred men already and none of them came close to being what I am looking for so what makes you think you would be him. 

He assured her that he was the perfect man for her. She said, but you don't have any arms. He replied, then I can't beat you. She said that's true, but you don't have any legs either. He replied, then I can't run around with other women. Again she had to agree. Then she said but what makes you think you could be a great lover? The man replied, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

There was an old man and an old woman in a nursing home and every night when it got dark they would meet at a bench on the lawn and the old woman would open the old man's pant and hold his weasel and they would just sit there. 


One night the old woman went to the bench and the old man didn't show up. The next night the old woman went to to the bench and again the old man didn't show up. This went on for about a week and then one day she saw him in the cafeteria. 

She went over and asked him why he stopped meeting her every night. He pointed across the cafeteria at another old woman and said, I sit with her now every night. 

The old woman asked him why he was sitting with the other old woman now instead of her and the old man said, because she has Parkinson's Disease.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

Two guys worked side by side on an assembly line that was almost totally automated so they didn't have anyone else to talk to other than each other. 

Whatever one guy would talk about the other guy always had to top it. When the first guy started getting into hobbies everything he got into the second guy would start doing it too and he always had to top the first guy. It was model railroading and then radio controlled cars and then radio controlled planes, and the second guy always had stories about what he was doing that topped what the first guy said he was doing. 

Then the first guy got into hunting and bought a hunting dog, a really good, really well trained one, and he knew this time the second guy couldn't even try to say he could top him.

Sure enough the second guy said he started hunting and that he bought the best dog in the world. He went on and on about the dog making it sound better than a combination of Lassie, Rin Tin Tin and Benji.

Finally the first guy had enough of it and said, this weekend we're taking our dogs and going hunting and we'll see who has the better dog. 

On Saturday they drove out into the country and started walking through fields and small patched of woods and the dogs were just ahead of them noses to the ground sniffing away. 

The second guy's dog, the dog of the guy who bragged so much stopped, pointed and tapped his owner on the leg once with his tail. The second guy asked, did you see that?

The first guy said, sure, so what?

The second guy said, he's saying there's one bird in that bush. 

The first guy said, right, how stupid do you think I am? Do you think I would really believe that?

The second guy said, make some noise.

The first guy walked a little closer to the bush and stomped around a bit and one bird flew out and bang, he got it. 

The first guy was stunned. He thought maybe the second guy wasn't lying about his dog being really great after all. 

They walked for about 45 minutes without anything happening and by then the first guy had convinced himself that it had been a fluke, something that happened by pure chance and it would never happen again.

Suddenly the second guy's dog stopped, pointed and this time the dog tapped his owner on the leg twice with his tail.

The second guy asked, did you see that?

The first guy said, yes, but so what?

The second guy said, he's telling me that there's two birds in that bush. 

The first guy said, give it up, I'm not that stupid, the first time was a fluke, there aren't two birds in that bush. 

The second guy said, make some noise.

Again the first guy moved closer to the bush and made some noise and two birds flew out and bang, bang, they each got one.

Now the first gut is totally stunned. He's thinking that the second guys dog is even way better than the way the second guy had bragged about it. 

They walked for almost two hours with nothing happening and the first guy had been thinking about it and decided that it was still a fluke the first time and a coincidence the second time. He knew that no dog could be that good. 

About then the second guy's dog stopped, pointed and then turned around and started humping away like mad on his owners leg.

The first guy dropped his shotgun and fell to the ground and was rolling around laughing and said, what's he telling you now?

The second guy said, he's telling me there's so fucking many birds in that bush that he can't count them all.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

General Custer's widow decided she wanted a large painting made that would capture her late husbands last thoughts before he died. She went to a famous artist and explained what she wanted and asked him if he could capture her late husbands last thoughts on canvas. 

He thought about it a while and said he could do it. It would take him several months because of the scale of the painting she wanted and the complexity of the painting, but he would contact her as soon as the painting was finished. 

Several months later the artist wrote Mrs. Custer and said the painting was ready. She went to his studio and there was a single chair sitting in front of a massive painting that was covered by a large piece of cloth.

She sat down and the artist uncovered the painting and Mrs. Custer looked at it and was very puzzled and not at all happy with the painting. 

The painting was a landscape of The Little Big Horn and all over the ground there were Indians having sex and up in the sky there was a large cow with a halo. 

Mrs. Custer said, I don't think you understood what I wanted, I wanted a painting that would capture my husbands last living thoughts. 

The artist said he had fully understood her and his painting did exactly that, it showed exactly what her husband was thinking just before he died. 

She said she didn't understand it at all and asked the artist to explain it to her. 

As he pointed at the large cow with a halo in the sky and the Indians having sex all over The Little Big Horn he said this is precisely what your husband was thinking. 

Holy cow! Look at all the fucking Indians!


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

Do you know what the difference is between an old nun and a young prostitute who is taking a bath is?


One has hope in her soul and the other has soap in her hole.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

In the days of the old sailing ships the Captain of a British Man of War was on deck when the call came down from the lookout in the crow's nest saying that a Spanish ship was spotted coming over the horizon. 

Knowing there would be a battle the British Captain told his cabin boy to go and get his his red jacket. A sailor asked the Captain why he wore his red jacket when they went into battle. 

The British Captain said, the men have to have faith that I am able to lead them for us to be successful and win every encounter and if I am wounded the blood will match my red jacket and the men will not know I am wounded and become worried and instead remain confident I can lead them to victory. 

About that time the lookout in the crow's nest yelled down that five more Spanish ships were spotted coming over the horizon. 

The British Captain turned to his cabin boy and said, while you're in my cabin getting my red jacket you better bring me my brown trousers too.


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## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?



Good morning ladies.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

A guy goes to a girl's house to pick her up for a date and he gives her a dozen roses. 

She said, I guess I'll have to spread my legs now.

The guy said, why, don't you have a vase?


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

A gay couple decide that they want to have a baby so they both jerkoff into a cup and a female friend of theirs uses it to get pregnant. 

Nine months later they go to the hospital to see their new baby and one of the guys says, look at our baby, he's the best of the bunch. He's the only one that's not crying. 

A nurse says, he's not crying now but wait until we pull the pacifier out of his ass.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. 


The boy asked, 'What is this Father?' 
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, 
I have never seen 
anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.' 


While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, 
a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. 


The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. 
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched 
the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. 


They continued to watch until it reached the last number&#8230; 
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. 
Finally the walls opened up again and a 
gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. 



The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, 
said quietly to his son..... 
'Go get your Mother'


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## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies......Quit Laughing.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Just one ......... but it takes the entire emergency room staff to remove it.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

There was this meek little guy, a bookkeeper, who was only 5' 1" and 115 pounds and one day he goes into a whorehouse and tells the madam that he wants the biggest fattest blackest whore in the place. She looks at the little guy and asks him if he's sure that is what he wants and he said, the bigger and fatter and blacker the better. The madam said, ok, it's your money .... top of the stairs, first door on the right. 

The little guy goes up the stairs and into the room and there is a MASSIVE fat woman covered with a sheet and she is as black as the inside of a cow's stomach and he smiled and said perfect. 

She throws off the sheet and spreads her legs and the little guy stares at her a moment and the moves to another part of the room and stares a little more and then he climbs on a chair and stares down at her a while and keep doing this until the whore said, it's your time and money but if we're going to have sex we'd better get started before your time runs out. 

The little guy said, I'm sorry, you have me all wrong, I'm not here for sex. My wife wants to paint the house black with pink shutters and I just want to see what it would look like.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

A guy goes to a whorehouse but he's only got $5.00 so he asked the madam what he could get for $5.00. She said, we've got a dead whore, you can have her for $5.00. 

The guy was not thrilled but he was so horny he agreed. He went to the room with the dead whore and he drilled the hell out of her. 

When he was finished and leaving the madam asked him how it was. He said, actually it wasn't bad, but she kept drooling and her nose was running.

The madam said, oh, she must be full again.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

An older father and middle aged son were sitting on the front porch of their shack in the hills of Kentucky. Between them their old hound dog was lying on the porch licking it's dick. The son said; "Gee daddy, I sure wish I could do that," and the father replied; "I wouldn't do that if I were you, son, that dog might bite you.


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 11, 2012)

A young man from the hills of Tennessee got married. Early the next morning his father walks out of his house and finds his son sitting on the front porch. The son said, "do you want to do fishing?" The father replied; "sure," so they went fishing. 

After a few hours the father said; "son, you know how much I love spending time with you and you know how much I love fishing, but you got married yesterday, shouldn't you be with your wife on your honeymoon right now?"

The son replied;" Well, I thought I would be but as soon as we got to our motel we went to have sex and I found out that my wife is still a virgin, so I walked out and came home."

The father asked, "Why?"

The son replied; "Shoot, daddy, if she ain't good enough for her own family she sure as Hell ain't good enough for ours!"


----------



## Brick Top (Feb 12, 2012)

*CONDOM HISTORY

Interesting piece of history!...

In 1272, the Arabic Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.*


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## scroglodyte (Feb 12, 2012)

a horse walks into a bar. the bartender says...."hey buddy, what's with the long face?"


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## Brick Top (Feb 12, 2012)

A man walks into his house with a sheep on a leash, walks up to his wife and says; "this is the pig I've been fucking." His wife said; "that's not a pig, that's a sheep." The husband replied; "I wasn't talking to you."


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## Brick Top (Feb 12, 2012)

The guys on a trip got lost way out in the country and were running low on gas so they figured they would stop at the next house they saw and ask if they could spend the night. They spotted a house, pulled in the driveway and went to the door and knocked. An older man answered and they explained their situation and the older man said they could stay, but he only had one extra bed and they would have to share it. 

It wasn't exactly what the three guys had hoped for but they said sure, thanks. 

The next morning they all woke up and a guy that slept on one side of the bed said he had the oddest dream. He said all night long he was dreaming that someone was jerking him off. The guy that slept on the other side of the bed said, that's odd, I had the very same dream. The guy that slept in the middle said, not me. I all night long I had a dream that I was snow skiing.


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## edsthreads (Feb 12, 2012)

Conjunctivitis.com &#8211; that&#8217;s a site for sore eyes


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## edsthreads (Feb 12, 2012)

I saw this advert in a window that said: Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full. I thought, I cant turn that down.


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## Brick Top (Feb 13, 2012)

Three white guys were driving through a bad part of a city when their car broke down. They got out and were going to walk to the nearest repair shop that one of them knew was about a mile or so up the road. About half way there a group of gang members stopped them and said they were going to rob and kill them. The guys said, take everything we have, but just don't hurt or kill us. 

One gang member said, if you can show us 10 inches of dick between the three of you we'll just rob you and let you go. Scared for his life and a bit on the cold side one of them pulled out his dick and it dangled there, but it came to five inches. The second guy did the same and his came to four inches, meaning they only needed one more inch. The third guy pulled his out and it was exactly one inch, so the gang members took their wallets, watches and rings and let them go. 

About a half block away the first guy to have whipped it out said, I have never been so happy to have a big enough dick that it is five inches, soft. The second guy said, me to, thank God for my four inches. The third guy said, I'm just thankful I had a bone at the time.


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## kpmarine (Feb 15, 2012)

Why was the squirrel humping the ground? He was burying a nut for winter.


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## Brick Top (Feb 15, 2012)

A bear and a rabbit were in the woods next to each other while they each took a shit. The bear looked over at the rabbit and asked, do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur? The rabbit said, no .... so the bear grabbed the rabbit and wiped his ass with it.


----------



## OnlyDopesSmokeDope (Feb 16, 2012)

what's the difference between an elephant and pile of dead babys?




i don't have an elephant in my shed.


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## sully (Feb 16, 2012)

well this one was funnier on Valentines day but anyway...whats 6 inches long and wont be getting sucked tonight?......Whitney Houstons crackpipe.


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## sully (Feb 16, 2012)

One more....and Im polish so dont u pollacks get all mad, and if u dont know just fyi there are a lot of poles named stanley....what do you call a bunch of pollacks with turbans on their head?....Packistanleys


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## whatsaroach?lol??? (Feb 18, 2012)

This is a ol classic one prolly heard it before. 

What do u tell a women with two black eyes

Nothing u done told her twice


----------



## Carljay (Feb 18, 2012)

This guy read wants to have sex with a Chinese girl, so he goes to china and has sex with a girl and she keeps yelling bung bung, so he goes harder and harder , then she yells bung bung even louder , as he finishes she kept yelling bung bung , so obviously bung bung means yes or good in Chinese. Later that night when shooting pool at the bar he sinks 8 ball and says bung bung, then the other player says " what do u mean it's not in the hole!!!


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## SSHZ (Feb 18, 2012)

"Obama"!!!


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## Brick Top (Feb 18, 2012)

Carljay said:


> This guy read wants to have sex with a Chinese girl,



Chinese girls are OK to have sex with .. but they're sort of like Chinese food. A half hour after you fuck a Chinese chick you're horny again.


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## 808SkinDiver/Farmah (Aug 16, 2012)

How do u get two holes in one?your nose in my ass!...


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## WeeGogs (Aug 29, 2012)

the best chat up line in the world...


i have a knife.....

get in the van.


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## awnold420 (Aug 29, 2012)

this is my favorite scenario...

Guy: hey sexy is that your jeep out there with the headlights on?

Girl: No I drive a blue Pontiac G6

Guy: Ohh alright... Thanks (walks away with creepy smile)


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## imchucky666 (Sep 25, 2012)

A Priest, out for a stroll, comes across a young boy tossing 
and catching a small bottle of liquid. 


The Priest says, "what do you got there boy?" 


The boy replies, "It's a bottle of acid. 


Realizing how dangerous it would be if the bottle of acid broke, 
the Priest pulls out a small bottle of holy water and says, 
"son, this is a bottle of holy water, can I trade you 
for the bottle of acid?" 


The boy says "no." 


The Priest says, "you know son, I put some of this 
holy water on a womans stomach and she passed a baby". 




The boy still tossing the bottle of acid looks at 
the priest and says, "that's nothing, I put some of 
this acid on a cat's ass and he passed a motorcycle".


----------



## ebgood (Sep 25, 2012)

how many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb???











none. they just beat the room for being black


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## imchucky666 (Sep 25, 2012)

ebgood said:


> how many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb???
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Are you from Oakland or Richmond LOL


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## imchucky666 (Sep 25, 2012)

Theres a general store on a indian reservation, Big Cheif Wampomm goes in to get toilet paper. Big Cheif Wampomm tells the clerk he need toilet paper for whole tribe. The clerk asks what kind, we have Charmin, Angel soft and the no name kind. Confused the cheif ask why no name toilet paper. The clerk explains the no name toilet paper is cheaper because it has no name or specail wrapper.Big Cheif Wampomm like, Take enough for whole tribe. Well a couple weeks go by before the cheif shows up at the store.Big Cheif Wampomm have name for your no name toilet paper! The clerk laughing asks, Oh yeah what kind of name did you come up with? 
Big Cheif Wampomm and whole tribe call your no name toilet paper, 
JOHN WAYNE toilet paper. The clerk asks why on earth would you name it John wayne? Big Cheif Wampomm says "Its rough, Its tough and IT DON'T TAKE NO SHIT OFF NO INDIAN!!!!!!!!


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## imchucky666 (Sep 25, 2012)

Farmer Brown goes to market and buys several hogs to breed for things like ham and bacon to feed him and his wife. 
After a few weeks, it becomes apparent the female pigs are not getting pregnant, so he calls the local vet for help. 


"Perhaps you should try artificial insemination," the vet advises. 


Farmer Brown doesn't have the vaguest idea what "artificial insemination" is, but, 
not wanting to display his ignorance, he asks, "How will we know when they're pregnant?" 


"Well, for one thing, they'll stop standing around and will, instead, begin to wallow in the mud." 


"Thanks, Doc. Appreciate your time." The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. 
"Hmmm&#8230;artificial insemination. He must mean I'm supposed to impregnate the pigs myself." 


So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives deep into the woods, does each one in turn, 
brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he awakens and looks out at the pigs. 
Seeing they are all still just standing around, he concludes the first try didn't take. 
Again he loads them back into the pickup, drives to the woods, does each pig twice for good measure, 
brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just milling around. 


One more try, he tells himself, and that's it! Into the pickup, and off to the woods again. 
He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. 
The next morning, he is too spent to raise himself from the bed. He asks his wife to look out 
and tell him if the pigs are just standing around. 


"Nope." she says. 


"Finally!" Farmer Brown says with an exhausted sigh. 


His wife adds, "They're all in the truck and one of 'em is honkin' the horn."


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## ebgood (Sep 26, 2012)

lol........................!


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## beardo (Sep 26, 2012)

The former head of monsanto is the head of the FDA now


----------



## scroglodyte (Sep 26, 2012)

why do women fake orgasms?
who cares.....................


----------



## imchucky666 (Sep 28, 2012)

Little Johnny:

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. 
Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?" 

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny, a bright Navajo Indian boy who had his hand up. "'Patrick Henry, 1775," he said. 

"Very good&#8221;, said the teacher! 


Who said, "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?" 

Again, no response except from Little Johnny, "Abraham Lincoln, 1863." 

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed; 
Little Johnny knows more about history than you do." 

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Indians." 

"Who said that?" she demanded. 

Little Johnny put his hand up, "General Custer, 1862." 

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." 

The teacher glares around and asks, "All right! Now who said that!?" 

Again, Little Johnny says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991." 

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" 

Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, 
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!" 

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you." 

Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004."


----------



## pen47Tex (Oct 5, 2012)

Two hobo's were walking down a railroad track. The first looked at the other and said, "ya know, I'm the luckiest man in Tue world.". The other said,"how do ya figure that?". 
He said,"The other day I was walking down this here railroad tracks, and found a fifty dollar bill!". 
"you are pretty lucky"! "But I'm the luckiest man in the world".
"How do ya figure that"?
"Well, two weeks ago I was walking these here tracks, and found me a naked woman tied up"!

"Wow! What did you do"?
"Well I untied her of course! And we went up in the woods and fucked for three days!!"
"Wow you are the luckiest man in the world. You got to tell me... Did ya get any head"?

"Uhm... Well... I... I couldn't find the head..._"
:-0


----------



## pen47Tex (Oct 6, 2012)

The teacher said, "Ok class, today we are going to learn how to use the word lovely in a sentence. Who can use the word lovely in a sentence? Any volunteers?"
Hands sprung up all over the class.
"Little Mary" the teacher said, " Can you use the word lovely correctly in. Sentence"?
"It's a lovely day", Mary replied.
"Oh very good Little Mary, that was too easy I think. Who can use the word lovely correctly twice in a sentence"?
A hush falls over the classroom.
Suddenly, in the back of the class Little Johnny's hand flies in the air.
"Oh! Oh! Teacher pick me! I can use the word lovely correctly twice in a sentence! I can!!"
The teacher said, "Ok Little Johnny. Give us a sentence using the word lovely correctly, twice".

"Well, my sister came home last night and told my parents she was pregnant, and didn't know who the daddy was".
The teacher was stunned. "Little Johnny! What does that have to do with the lesson topic today?"!!

"Well... Then my Dad says, 'Lovely, just fucking lovely!!"


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## OLD DUDE (Oct 6, 2012)

Here's one you can tell the little ones!!
Suzy isin bed one night and yells out to mom "Could you bring me a glass of water mom?"
Mom replies "Go to sleep Suzy or I'm coming in there and spank you!"
5 minutes later Suzy yells to mom again "Could you PLEASE bring me a glass of water mom?"
Again mom replies "Go to sleep Suzy or I'm coming in there and spank you!"
5 minutes later Suzy yells "Mom, when you come in here to spank me, could you bring me a glass of water?"


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## kirob1415 (Oct 6, 2012)

Man walks into the bedrooom with a sheep under his arm and says "This is the pig I've been fucking" His wife laying in the bed says "Thats not a pig" The man says "Shut the fuck up, I was talking to the sheep"


----------



## TheMan13 (Oct 6, 2012)

_*Q: Why does Miss Piggy soak her tampons in honey & vinegar?

A: Kermit likes sweet & sour pork *_


----------



## imchucky666 (Oct 6, 2012)

A farmer went to a hardware store and bought a chainsaw that was advertised. 
He asked the salesperson: &#8220;You say this can cut down 25 trees per day?&#8221; 
&#8220;Yes, sir! That is our guarantee.&#8221; &#8220;What if it don&#8217;t do it?&#8221; 
&#8220;Just bring it back within 14 days. We will refund all your money, no questions asked.&#8221; 
After only one week, the farmer was back, angry. &#8220;I WANT MY MONEY BACK!&#8221;
&#8220;What&#8217;s the matter, sir?&#8221; &#8220;It don&#8217;t do as you say. On fust day, it cut 7 trees. 
On second, it cut 9 trees. On the nex&#8217; day it cut 11 trees, nex&#8217; day 12 trees, nex&#8217; 
day 15 trees, nex&#8217; day only 9. 
Then was Sunday, I gone to Church. Not once did it cut 25 trees.&#8221; 
So the salesperson fills out the necessary forms for the refund. &#8220;Just making sure it works,&#8221; 
said the salesman as he started the motor. 
As the chain saw made a loud VROOOOOOOOOM, the farmer got scared and asked; &#8220;What was that noise?&#8221;


----------



## imchucky666 (Oct 6, 2012)

Sorry everybody for the link, but I can't figure out how to get the video here.

http://www.worktobejudged.com/strippause/peca.html


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## imchucky666 (Oct 6, 2012)

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk." 


The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. 


Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. 


"Well, did you see this?" 
"Yes," motioned the monkey. 


"What happened?" 
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth. 


"They were drinking?" asked the officer. 
The monkey shakes his head "Yes." 


"What else?" 
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth. 


"They were smoking marijuana?" 
The monkey shakes his head "Yes." 


"What else?" 
The monkey motioned "kissing." 


"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer. 
The monkey shakes his head "Yes." 


"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked." 
The monkey shakes his head "Yes." 


"What were you doing during all this?" 
"Driving" motioned the monkey.


----------



## imchucky666 (Oct 6, 2012)

So Little Red Riding Hood was skipping merrily through the forest, on her way to Grandma's house. 


So she's skipping along and skipping along until she sees Deer. 
Deer stops her and says, "Little Red Riding Hood, don't go to your Grandma's house! 
The big bad wolf's there and he's going to pull down your shirt and suck on your titties!" 


Little Red brings out her picnic basket, pulls back the cloth and shows Deer her handgun and says, 
"No he won't!" Then continues skipping merrily on her way. 


So she's skipping along and skipping along until she sees Fox. Fox stops her and says, 
"Little Red Riding Hood, don't go to your Grandma's house! 
The big bad wolf's there and he's going to pull down your shirt and suck on your titties!" 


Little Red brings out her picnic basket, pulls back the cloth and shows Fox her handgun and says, 
"No he won't!" Again she continues skipping merrily on her way. 


So she's skipping along and skipping along until she sees Bear. Bear stops her and says, 
"Little Red Riding Hood, don't go to your Grandma's house! The big bad wolf's there and he's going to pull down your shirt and suck on your titties!" 


Little Red brings out her picnic basket, pulls back the cloth and shows Bear her handgun and says, 
"No he won't!" Again she continues skipping merrily on her way. 


Shortly Little Red Riding Hood comes to her Grandma's house. She skips up to the door and knocks. 
The Big Bad Wolf answers and says, 
"Little Red Riding Hood! I'm the Big Bad Wolf and I'm going to pull down your shirt 
and suck on your titties!"


----------



## Nizza (Oct 7, 2012)

truck driver picks up a hitchhiking preacher to be a good samaritan. He is going down the road and sees a black man hitchhiking. forgetting for a second he was with the preacher he starts to veer toward the black man. at the last second he pulls away and misses him but you hear a thud. He looks at the preacher and the preacher says, "don't worry, i got him with the door"


----------



## unda de radar (Oct 12, 2012)

Wow...... but hey!!!! reality is brutal bro!

now go smoke a reefer laced w opium n chilllllllllllllllllllllll


----------



## scroglodyte (Oct 12, 2012)

what do you call a clairvoyant dwarf, that escapes from prison?
a small medium at large


----------



## Saldaw (Oct 13, 2012)

So theres 3 guys in the jungle. 
They get captured by a tribe that practices cannibalism. 
They are told to go gather 10 fruits each.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples, the tribe chief tells hims " Now put them up your ass " - he can only fit 1 and they kill him
The second guy comes back with 10 grapes, again the chief tells him " Now put them up your ass " - he gets 9 in and then bursts with laughter - so they kill him

In heaven the first guy asks the second guy: " Why did you laugh you were almost done you could have lived "
The second guys replies " I saw the third guy coming with 10 durians " 


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Durian - incase you dont know what a durian is


----------



## Super Toker (Apr 3, 2013)

How do you get a Witch pregnant ?? You Fuck Her.


----------



## NevaSmokedOut (Apr 5, 2013)

i just heard these a while ago

what does a priest get when he wants pussy... NUN!

what do a pizzaboy and a gynecologist have in common... they can smell it but can't eat it


----------



## NevaSmokedOut (Apr 5, 2013)

a couple lies in bed, the husband leans over and asks his wife " hey baby you wanna fuck" she says "no i have a gynecologist appointment tomorrow, the husband leans back over and asks "do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

whats the difference between acne and a priest, acne doesnt come on your face until your 12.


----------



## Anotherlover (Apr 11, 2013)




----------



## CountryCowFreakJr (Apr 12, 2013)

what does 69 mean in chinese? Two can chew...whats the square root of 69? 8 something


----------



## Super Toker (Apr 17, 2013)

Whats an 80 year old woman have between her tits an 18 year old girl dont? Her Belly Button


----------



## Marijuanation305 (Apr 22, 2013)

Told my girlfriend in bed there's only gunna b 7 planets left , because ima destroy UR.ANUS LMFAO


----------



## 420neverforget (Apr 22, 2013)

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?


Because it wasn't born yesterday.


----------



## HappyMan420 (Apr 22, 2013)

What did the white crayon say to the black crayon?


Something Racist


----------



## DoctorGregHouse (Apr 29, 2013)

420neverforget said:


> Why can't you fool an aborted baby?
> 
> 
> Because it wasn't born yesterday.


Whoa, you look familiar  You quit on GC too?

Oh, yeah, joke time.

So a guy walks into a bar and sits down at a stool. The bartender walks up to him and asks, "What can I get for ya tonight?"

The man, grinning from ear to ear, loudly proclaims, "I'm celebrating my first blowjob tonight. I'll take 3 shots of your finest whisky!" The bartender pours him his shots, and he takes them down one after another.

After a few celebratory high-fives from the other patrons, one of them offers to buy him another drink.

The guy says to him, "No thanks, if 3 shots doesn't kill the taste, nothing will."


----------



## 420neverforget (Apr 29, 2013)

DoctorGregHouse said:


> Whoa, you look familiar  You quit on GC too?


Yeah, well got banned for "threats". YODA just has a stick up his ass, though.


----------



## DoctorGregHouse (Apr 29, 2013)

420neverforget said:


> Yeah, well got banned for "threats". YODA just has a stick up his ass, though.


Yeah, I'd had it with that whole scene. I used to be quite the racist dragon, if you catch my drift.

Here's a joke I'm sure we've all heard, but I really come apart hearing Gilbert Gottfried tell it. Start at 1:35 if you don't wanna hear a bunch of exposition.

[video=youtube;tw10xa_xtNg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg[/video]


----------



## mindphuk (Apr 29, 2013)

I still like the Bob Saget version

[video=youtube;0HW4mPZmKPM]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0HW4mPZmKPM[/video]

"it looks like spin art"


----------



## makeshift (May 2, 2013)

What do a walrus and a head gasket have in common?



They both like a tight seal


----------



## johndolly420 (May 3, 2013)

If anyone ever calls you racist after you tell them a black joke, there's a couple things you can say:

1. I'm not racist, I got 4 black tires
2. I'm not racist, I got a colored tv
3. I'm not racist, I got black people in my family tree, I hung them there last night


----------



## hasch tomte (May 6, 2013)

I was walking along a high cliff one day and saw a little boy, all alone. He was crying.
I asked him, "Son, what are you doing up here all alone?"
He replied, with tears in his eyes, "My mum's down there at the bottom. She fell!"
"That's terrible!" I said. "And your dad?"
"He's down there right next to her. He tried to save her and he fell, too!"
"That's awful!" I said. We shared a quiet moment there, together, looking out at the sky over that grand cliff.
And then, when he asked me why I was unbuckling my belt, I told him.
"Son, today just isn't your day."


----------



## ASMALLVOICE (May 8, 2013)

A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened. The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. and he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn't even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!. And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Peace

Asmallvoice


----------



## bigseandd (May 10, 2013)

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflatable doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"


"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her." His friend says, "Could be worse. I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window and took my teeth with her!"


----------



## playallnite (Jun 25, 2013)

What you call that piece of skin that goes around the vagina?

A woman.


----------



## Bakatare666 (Jun 25, 2013)

playallnite said:


> What you call that piece of skin that goes around the vagina?
> 
> A woman.


Oldie but a goodie.


----------



## Carver1 (Jul 3, 2013)

Tech Joke-
All Samsung Officials Are Withdrawing Their Children From School,
As The First Thing
Children Are Being Taught Is ___
.
.
.
?A for Apple?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a man is allowed to select a girl
from 90 girls
and
Even if most beautiful is picked,
There's still the pain of losing
the remaining EIGHTY NINE....


----------



## Y0da (Aug 11, 2013)

NOWitall said:


> ok here you go, did i mention ive got a fuckxed up sense of humor??
> 
> so theres this 10 year old boy walkin down the street, lookin really pissed
> in one had he has a hundred dollar bill, in the other hand hes dragging a dead frog by a string.
> ...


Two of my favourites, supercool!


----------



## Bakatare666 (Aug 11, 2013)

A Koala was sitting in a Gum tree, smoking a joint when 
a little lizard walked past, looked up and said 'Hey, Koala! 
What are you doing?'
The Koala said 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'


So the lizard climbs the tree, and sat next to the Koala 
and enjoyed a couple joints.
After a little while, the lizard said that his mouth was dry,
and he was going to the river to get a drink.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far,
and fell into the river. 
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard 
and helped him to the side. 
Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been 
sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, 
but got too stoned and fell into the river while 
taking a drink... 
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked 
into the rain forest, 
found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. 
The crocodile looked up and said, 
'Hey you!' 
So the koala looked down at him and said, 
'Fuuuuuuck, dude... 
How much water did you drink!?'


----------



## 2paranoid (Sep 1, 2013)

alright so I so heres a quick goofy laugh for ya...

Theres this duck, and he is walkin around, decides he wants to get something to eat. So he goes into the store and he asks the woman behind the counter, "Hey, you got any grapes?". Lady says no, duck decides to leave the store. Next day he goes back to the same store, asks the same woman the same question, the cashier says no and the duck leaves. Next day, same thing happened, as is the case with the next day, and the day after....

Until one day the woman decides she has enough. "If you come back here, one more damn time I'm gonna nail your webbed feet to the floor!"


Duck leaves the store.


Next day he comes back, "Hey ya got any nails?" 

Woman says no.

"Good, got any grapes?!"


----------



## eyeballsaul (Sep 5, 2013)

What do you call 2 Muslim terrorists in a car driving off a cliff ?
A waste you can fit another 3 in the back haha.

What's the difference between a terrorist and a trampoline ?
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a dead dog lying in the middle of the road and a dead muslim terrorist lying in the middle of the road?
The dead dog has tyre skid marks leading up to it.

Originally they weren't terrorists but pakis but I didn't want to offend haha.


----------



## slowandsteady (Sep 5, 2013)

guy gets pulled over and cop gives him the license and reg routine. The cop ask did he know how fast he was going? The guy says he's late for work and apologizes to the cop. Cop asked what he did for a job? Guy says he is a rectum stretcher at the hospital. The cop stops and looks at the guy and ask how you do that? Guy says well you lube up and start with one finger then two and keep going till you can get your whole hand in then work your other hand in once you got both hands in you work it till its about 6 foot around. the cop looks at the guy and asks " what the heck do you do with a 6 foot rectum?" . Guy says give it a radar gun and ticket book.


----------



## slowandsteady (Sep 5, 2013)

Little boy gets off the school bus and man is he pissed. So walking up the drive of they're farm he comes across the cow grazing over the fence, He's so pissed he hauls off and smacks it in the head. As he goes on up the drive he passes the pig pin grabs a rock and throws at the pig hitting it. As he gets close to the house he sees the chickens in the yard and runs into them scattering them. Well his mom has been watching all this. As the boy comes into the house his mother scolds him and says just for that you get no breakfast, she explains cows give you milk, pigs give you bacon and chickens give you eggs then she sends him to his room till his father gets home, and off he stomps. Well the boy calms down and is on the porch with mom when his dad gets home. His dad had a really really bad day, so as he gets out of the truck the cat runs by, the dad hauls off and kicks it. The little boy looks at his mother and says," you going to tell him or me?"


----------



## GreyLord (Oct 6, 2013)

What's black & brown & looks good on a refugee?




















A pack of dobermans.


----------



## GreyLord (Oct 6, 2013)

What do you throw a drowning refugee?
















His wife & kids.


----------



## GreyLord (Oct 6, 2013)

Mick lived on a sheep station in humpies at the far end paddock with the rest of the Aboriginals. When his wife Mary gave birth to a white baby, it was all the proof he needed that his boss, the station manager, was rooting his Mary. 
Mick got on his horse & rode the miles down to the homestead to confront the boss.

Mick: "Boss, my Mary had a white baby. I know what's going on."
The boss thought for a moment then said,
Boss: "Nature can do funny things Mick. Take the sheep for instance, they're all white but every now & again a black one is born. Do you know what I mean Mick?"
Mick contemplates the boss's words before replying,
Mick: "Alright boss, I'll say nothing about Mary if you don't mention the sheep".


----------



## ricky1lung (Oct 6, 2013)

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob.

-----

Two potatoes are standing on a corner, how do you know which one is a prostitute?

The one that says "Idhao"


----------



## ricky1lung (Oct 6, 2013)

A redhead tells her blonde sister she slept with a Brazilian.
The blonde replies: "Oh my god you slut, how many's a brazillion"

--

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.


----------



## GreyLord (Oct 6, 2013)

A businessman, a priest & a schoolteacher were on the Titanic playing cards when the liner hit an iceberg.
It soon became apparent that they were sinking.
Teacher:"The little ones, what about the children?"
Businessman:"Fuck the children"
Priest:"Do you think there's time?"


----------



## ricky1lung (Oct 6, 2013)

What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

What sign does a whore house put up at the end of the day?
We're closed, beat it!


----------



## mkbinc1971 (Oct 6, 2013)

there's this one on here. "rented a property with a barn" then he ended up in prison>>>>............... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!


----------



## purplebud27 (Nov 2, 2013)

bumping my gf's thread who got jokes here is one how do you know you are a true stoner? when your bong gets washed more then your dishes


----------



## clint308 (Nov 4, 2013)

My Forgetter's Getting Better 
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say! "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.


----------



## Gryzz4227 (Nov 4, 2013)

What do you call it when you run out of weed?

DANKRUPT!

I wouldnt wish dankruptcy on anyone.


----------



## clint308 (Nov 11, 2013)

What's green and smells of pork ?

Kermit the frog's finger


How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass ?

Delightfull

How do you make a flying fox ?

Hit it with a harley

Why do elephants paint their toe nails red ?

to hide in apple trees

What's yellow , sits in a tree and is very dangerous ?

A canary with a machine gun

What's pink and hairy and sit's on a wall ?

Humpty cunt

Doctor , Doctor i think there's something wrong with my bum , " It's got a crack in it "

What do you call a dinasaur with no eye's ?

Doyouthinkhesawus

What do you call a dinasaur with no eye's and a dog ?

Doyouthinkhesawusrex

There was a girl growing hair down there , She asked her mum about it
Her mum said " It's natural , think of it as a monkey growing hair "
The next day , at breakfast the girl told her sister
" Hey Guess what " ?
" My monkey has started growing hair "
Her sister replied " Hah , my monkey has started eating bananas "
The Mother fainted !!!

Mary had a little lamb , it's fleece was black as charcoal
Everytime it jumped the fence sparks flew out of it's asshole

Mary had a little lamb the doctor fainted !

Mary had a little lamb she also had a duck , she taught the lamb to laugh and play and taught the duck to ...F
Fry eggs for dinner , fry eggs for tea , the more you eat the more you want to ...P
Peter had a boat , started to rock , up jumped a shark and bit off his ...C
Cocktail , ginger wine 46 a glass , if you don't like it shove it up your ...A
Ask no questions , tell no lies , i saw 2 fisherman doing up there ...F
Flies are bad , mosquitos are worse and this is the end of my dirty little verse

What's brown and looks like a log ?

Kermit the bog !

What's the definition of discusting ?

Kissing your Grandma and she sticks her tongue in !


----------



## chewberto (Nov 11, 2013)

Worst jokes ever ^^^^^


----------



## little butch (Nov 11, 2013)

Here's an oldie but goodie.... What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection??? A quarter pounder with cheese !!! Hard not to groan or laugh.


----------



## chewberto (Nov 11, 2013)

You're so small you can hang glide on a Dorito!


----------



## jayboss1 (Nov 12, 2013)

Welsh man & his irish mate paddy walking over fields ,they suddnenly stop to see a sheep with its head stuck in the fence ,.....welsh man says oh yes , drops his pants & starts fucking the sheep like mad ,
when hes finished ,....he says to paddy .........reet paddy its thy turn lad ............paddy pulls is pants down and sticks is head in the fence .


----------



## Nizza (Nov 13, 2013)

what did the cannibal get when he was late to dinner??

the cold shoulder!!


----------



## robert 14617 (Nov 13, 2013)

two stings go into a bar the bartender says get out , one string rolls on the ground and ties itself up into a knot and says follow me ... the bartender says didn't i tell you to get out the one string says i'm a frayed knot


----------



## clint308 (Nov 22, 2013)

A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. 
>>>
>>> The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." 
>>>
>>> He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?" 
>>>
>>> "I'm a prostitute," she says. 
>>>
>>> The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that."
>>>
>>> The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again."
>>>
>>> They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer." 
>>>
>>> The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
>>>
>>> "Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year." 
>>>
>>> "Poultry Farmer it is."


----------



## dannyboy602 (Nov 26, 2013)

whats the best thing about 22 year old girls?



theres 20 of them


----------



## KushLyle (Nov 27, 2013)

This is another Farm Joke.

A Man was driving late at night in the country when suddenly he heard a squeal and felt that he ran over something. 
He stopped the car, looked under the car and saw a rooster already dead. 
Oh, I killed the poor fellow the driver said. 
He looked around and saw a small house just near the road.
He took the dead rooster and knocked on the door.
An old man in his jumpers opened the door and said: What is it?
Driver: Is this your rooster?
Old man: Yes
Driver: I accidentally ran over it and would like to replace it (politely smiling)
Old man: Oh okay, the hens are at the back!


----------



## KushLyle (Nov 27, 2013)

Hit me with a few likes and I'll be back with more jokes. Hehehe


----------



## clint308 (Dec 13, 2013)

THE POWER OF SHRIMP

A very cute Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man
wearing a turban, who was eating shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he definitely spat the tail in her direction,
requiring her to dodge or deflect it.

He finished the box of shrimp and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she'd had enough of his rudeness, lack of manners, and his
total disdain of women. She got up and pulled the train's Emergency Cord. 

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that,
you stupid female, worthless Infidel, Catholic bitch." 

She smiled and said to him, "When I cry rape and they smell your fingers,
you'll get 10 years in prison, you towel-headed camel-fucker.



__._,_.___



​


----------



## banks dank (Dec 15, 2013)

Why did paul walker cross the road?

Because he wasn't wearing a seatbelt!

too soon?


----------



## Power Towel (Jan 2, 2014)

What's brown and sticky??

...

...

...

A stick.


----------



## Smiffy2k9 (Jan 7, 2014)

Whats green and hides in a tree.?

A snooker table.

Whats grey and if it fell out of a tree would definitly kill you.?

A car park


----------



## clint308 (Jan 8, 2014)

Smiffy2k9 said:


> Whats green and hides in a tree.?
> 
> A snooker table.
> 
> ...


OOOOhhhh we goin there are we ?

Why did the elephant paint it's toe nails red ?
To hide in the apple tree's

What's yellow , lives in tree's and is very dangerous ?
A canary with a machine gun

What does barbie use as a tampon ?
A tic tac

What does an elephant use as a tampon ?
A sheep

How do New Zealanders find sheep in long grass ?
Fantastic

What's green and smells like pork ?
Kermit's finger

What's yellow and smells like bananas ?
Monkey vomit

What's pink and hairy and sit's on a wall ?
Humpty cunt

What did the tie say to the hat ?
go ahead i'll hang around awhile

Mummy Mummy what happened to the dog food fido couldn't eat ?
Shut up and eat your meatloaf !

How do you make a flying fox ?
Hit it with a truck

What's blue and sit's in the bottom of a pool ?
Ababy with slashed floaties

What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic ?
Iceberg


----------



## DJapeshit (Jan 9, 2014)

I clicked on this thread in hopes of a few chuckles. Maybe a knock knock joke or two.....

Ill see myself out


----------



## clint308 (Jan 24, 2014)

Why did the bubble gum cross the road Cause it was stuck to the chickens foot !!!
Nice one bro !!!


----------



## clint308 (Jan 24, 2014)

Why did the bubble gum cross the road Cause it was stuck to the chickens foot !!!
Nice one bro !!!


----------



## playallnite (Jan 31, 2014)

What do you call that piece of skin that surrounds the vagina?



















































A woman.


----------



## NevaSmokedOut (Feb 3, 2014)

all i have is this:

ya momma so broke, the bitch got a discount card on layaway at wal-mart.


----------



## Scroga (Feb 3, 2014)

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they beat the room for being black


----------



## tytheguy111 (Feb 5, 2014)

RACIST JOKE ALERT RACIST JOKE ALERT IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE OFFENDED PLEASE DON'T READ THIS SHIT 







How do you keep a niger out of your back yard?????

Hang one in your front yard


----------



## clint308 (Feb 6, 2014)

^^^^^^ oh !!!!!


----------



## clint308 (Feb 6, 2014)

_CHUCKLE FOR THE DAY...

_
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 ---

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,

She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)

What he had to say for himself.

The man replied,

'Well your Honor, it was like this:

When the lady got on the bus,

I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said,

'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,

'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,

'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time

And sat under a sign that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'

... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED!!'

Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!


----------



## tytheguy111 (Feb 6, 2014)

Lmao thats pretty good but how could you get someone arrested for laughing at you lol


----------



## Scroga (Feb 6, 2014)

all right ill risk it...

Why do gorrilas look so sad?

cos they know, in a million years,theyre gonna evolve into black cuntz..


disclaimer-im not really racist lol


----------



## tytheguy111 (Feb 9, 2014)

"Colt 45"

[Afroman]
Wait a minute man
Hey check this out man tell it
It was this blind man right, it was this blind man right
He was feelin' his way down the street with a stick right, hey
He walked past this fish market, you know what I'm sayin'
He stopped he took a deep breath he said
Snfffffff, woooo good morning ladies, ha
You like that shit man
Hey man Ive got a gang of that shit man
Hey I'll tell you what
We'll all have a good time
We'll pull on the drug
And hey, hey if everybody try on the mike I'll tell you all these motherfuckin' jokes I got
First I'm gonna start off like that, hey help me sing it homeboy


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## midgetaus (Feb 20, 2014)

Why do women fake orgasms?







Because they think men care


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## clint308 (Feb 22, 2014)

What's red and bad for your teeth ?


A brick !


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## clint308 (Feb 22, 2014)

Why did the dick go to 7/11 ?

To get a slurpee !


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## Foxyroxy420 (Feb 23, 2014)

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.


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## NietzscheKeen (Feb 23, 2014)

The preacher was putting a new coat of paint on his small country church. He was trying to be frugal and only use one gallon of paint. A few hours go by; He managed to get about a third of the way done when he looked at his limited supply of paint and decided he wasn't going to be able to paint the entire church. So he added a little water; thinning the paint out a little, but it was hardly noticeable. About two-thirds of the way around the church he again noticed his paint supply getting low, so once again he added some water; thinning the paint out a little more. He managed to complete his paint job just barely. The last stroke of the brush contained the last drop of paint. And as soon as he ended that final brush stroke, there came a downpour which washed away all the paint. The preacher then heard a thunderous voice which proclaimed "Repaint! Repaint, and thin no more."


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## Foxyroxy420 (Feb 23, 2014)

There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.


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## Foxyroxy420 (Feb 23, 2014)

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.


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## Foxyroxy420 (Feb 23, 2014)

A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.


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## Foxyroxy420 (Feb 23, 2014)

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.


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## Foxyroxy420 (Feb 23, 2014)

A hole has been found in the nudist camp, the police are looking into it!!


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## clint308 (Feb 24, 2014)

1 plus 1 = 2 HAHAHAHA
What's up foxy ? you new hah ?
Welcome to the best web site in history man ~~~~


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## Foxyroxy420 (Feb 24, 2014)

clint308 said:


> 1 plus 1 = 2 HAHAHAHA
> What's up foxy ? you new hah ?
> Welcome to the best web site in history man ~~~~


Yep, I'm new 'Clinton'  I see your not!


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## Foxyroxy420 (Feb 24, 2014)

Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.


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## Foxyroxy420 (Feb 24, 2014)

I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.


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## midgetaus (Feb 24, 2014)

My dad got sacked from his job as a road side worker for stealing

I didnt believe him but when I got home all the signs where there


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## Foxyroxy420 (Feb 24, 2014)

midgetaus said:


> My dad got sacked from his job as a road side worker for stealing
> 
> I didnt believe him but when I got home all the signs where there


Haha 10 characters


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## clint308 (Feb 25, 2014)

*The Buttocks*A married couple were in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. 

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. 

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to comefrom her buttocks.

Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation...they all agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from.

After the surgery.....everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than ever ! 

All his friends and relatives raved about his youthful appearance...especially his mother!

One day, while alone with his wife, and overcome with emotion at her sacrifice he said, 

'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

''My darling,' she replied, I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'


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## brotes grandes (Feb 26, 2014)

Two peanuts were walking through the park at night,one was a-salted..


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## Foxyroxy420 (Mar 22, 2014)

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yeah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
*&#8203;*


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## Foxyroxy420 (Mar 22, 2014)

What did one casket say to the sick casket?


Is that you coughin'?


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## clint308 (Mar 22, 2014)

Foxyroxy420 said:


> What did one casket say to the sick casket?
> 
> 
> Is that you coughin'?


Hahahaha is that ya best FR420 ?


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## clint308 (Mar 22, 2014)

What's yellow , very dangerous and sits in a tree ?

A canery with a machine gun !!!!!!!
Oh !


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## Foxyroxy420 (Mar 22, 2014)

clint308 said:


> Hahahaha is that ya best FR420 ?


Says the guy that writes "what's dangerous and sits in a tree a cannery with a machine gun !!!!! 
Oh !" -_-


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## tytheguy111 (Mar 23, 2014)

Foxyroxy420 said:


> A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
> The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
> He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
> The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yeah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
> *&#8203;*


lol




theres this drunk that walks into the bar with no money and he went up to the bartender and asks " what do i have to do to get a free drink" and the bartender says " if you can make that horse outside laugh ill give you a whole glass of whiskey so the drunck thinks for a minute and says " okay hold one" and he walks outside to the horse and whisperd something in the houses ear and the horse starts rolling around laughing on the ground and the drunk comes in and says" wheres my whiskey " and the bartender gives him his big glass of whiskey and says " that's amazing i don't know how you did that" then he said " ill give you a whole bottle of whiskey if you can make that horse cry" well the drunk says " okay let me get right to it " and he walks outside and unzips his zipper and then zips it back up and the horse started crying and rolling around on the ground and the drunk walks back in and says " wheres me bottle of whiskey " and the bar tender says " ill give it to you if you tell me how you did that" and the drunk says " well the first time i told him that me dick was bigger than his then the second time i showed him "


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## Foxyroxy420 (Mar 23, 2014)

tytheguy111 said:


> lol
> 
> 
> 
> ...


LOL nice one!!


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## mr sunshine (Mar 23, 2014)

My racist boss once told me a racist joke ....A guy finds a magical lamp three old fucks fly out of it and tell the guy he gets a wish from each one of them so three wishes... guy goes I want to be rich. So his wish is granted, then he goes I need lots of beautiful naked ladies ..so that happens to. The last genie goes last wish the guy wishes then suddenly he is dead hanging from a tree....The genies are walking away from his hanging body . Then one of the genies says I liked the first two but why the hell would anyone want to be hung like a black man..that's the end the guy that told me this joke is a racist bastard fuck..


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## clint308 (Mar 24, 2014)

mr sunshine said:


> My racist boss once told me a racist joke ....A guy finds a magical lamp three old fucks fly out of it and tell the guy he gets a wish from each one of them so three wishes... guy goes I want to be rich. So his wish is granted, then he goes I need lots of beautiful naked ladies ..so that happens to. The last genie goes last wish the guy wishes then suddenly he is dead handing from a tree....The genies are walking away from his hanging body . Then one of the genies says I liked the first two but why the hell would anyone want to be hung like a black man..that's the end the guy that told me this joke is a racist bastard fuck..


Hhahahahahaha racist but funny !


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## ChingOwn (Mar 25, 2014)

What do 

Hippie Chic's

Hippie Cigarettes

and Coffee all have in common?

they all make you go puhhh pfffffftt puhhhhh

when you put them in your mouth.


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