# Funny God Jokes



## Woodstock.Hippie (Nov 10, 2009)

*He who is without sin *
​Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, an Athiest's stone penis was thrown from out of the sky, and popped the woman's ass.
"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

Please help keep the funnies in, and the haters out!


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## dbo24242 (Nov 10, 2009)

Woodstock.Hippie said:


> *He who is without sin *
> ​Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
> "This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
> "Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
> ...


haha I got a funny one

god is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent.

ahhhahh that is classic.


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## Dfunk (Nov 10, 2009)

This one's kind of corny, but I thought it so here it is...What happened to God's dogs? They got lost in translation. Pretty bad I know, but I at least hope someone gets it.


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## heathaa (Nov 10, 2009)

ferrah faucett went to heaven and god asked her ferrah you have done good things on earth is there anything i can do for you? she said yes i want all the kids on earth to be safe. so micheal jackson died


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## krustofskie (Nov 10, 2009)

Heres a different version of the he without sin (I have cut and pasted the start form yours WH)

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus. "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly a big stone is hurled from the crowd and smashes into the womans head.
"Will you fuck off home mother" Jesus says


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## dingbang (Nov 11, 2009)

heathaa said:


> ferrah faucett went to heaven and god asked her ferrah you have done good things on earth is there anything i can do for you? she said yes i want all the kids on earth to be safe. so micheal jackson died


For one: That joke is just wrong.
For Two: I have heard that joke soo many times and I still have to hold back a smile.
For Three: I just read it, I knew the punchline and it still made me laugh (not quite a LOL though).

Now if I could just remember it..........


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## Woodstock.Hippie (Nov 11, 2009)

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. 

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. 

She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. 

She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto." 

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it. 

She again prays..."God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." 

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck. 

Once again, she prays..."My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order." 

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. 

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"


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## Stoney McFried (Nov 11, 2009)

A dyslexic atheist doesn't believe in dog.


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## 7665bkg (Nov 11, 2009)

dbo24242 said:


> haha I got a funny one
> 
> god is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent.
> 
> ahhhahh that is classic.


that shit is funny where was he at, when the gun man let loose at fort hood last week lol man you cant make this shit up


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## Woodstock.Hippie (Nov 11, 2009)

A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"


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## krustofskie (Nov 11, 2009)

'And then there was light'

(Cracks me up every time)


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## krustofskie (Nov 12, 2009)

Two nuns are bicycling down a cobblestone street. The first one says to the other "I haven't come this way before." 
The second one replies "I know. It's the cobbles."


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## Woodstock.Hippie (Nov 12, 2009)

A middle-aged woman who was always worrying about dying had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. 

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a boob job. 

She even had someone come in and change her hair color. 

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you!"


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## potsmokinbasturd (Nov 12, 2009)

Who would be stupid enuff to make fun of God, do u also sit around burning yourself with matches ???


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## Woodstock.Hippie (Nov 12, 2009)

No.

I sit around hatin' on others and enjoying being stupid in the "Funny God Jokes" thread.



There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. 
Every chance he got, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. 
It was an obsession. 
One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. 
The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. 
The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do. 
The urge to play golf overcame him. 
He called an assistant and told him that he was sick and could not attend church. 
Then he packed up the car, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. 
Happily, he began to play the course. 
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. 
He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he's doing." 
God nodded in agreement. 
The preacher teed up on the first hole. 
He swung, and the ball sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. 
A perfect hole-in-one. 
The preacher was amazed and excited. 
The angel was a little shocked.
He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." 
God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"


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## bigbudmike (Nov 12, 2009)




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## bigbudmike (Nov 12, 2009)

*The Atheist, A Bear And God

*An atheist was walking through the woods, admiring all that the
"accidents" that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he
said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes
behind him. Turning to look, he saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards
him. 

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw the grizzly was closing. 

Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He
looked again and the bear was even closer.

His heart was pounding and he tried to run faster. He tripped and fell
to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but the bear was right
over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its right paw
strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried, "Oh my God...!"

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,
"You deny my existence for all these years, teach others that I don't exist
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical to
ask to be religious after all these years, but perhaps you could make
the bear religious?"

"Very well" said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran. The sounds of the forest resumed.

..and then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together
and bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to
receive, I am truly thankful..."


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## CrackerJax (Nov 12, 2009)




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## xpnsivwino (Nov 12, 2009)

A streaker runs by 3 nuns.
1st nun has a stroke.
2nd nun has a stroke.
3rd nun,,,,never touches him.


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## Imlovinit (Nov 12, 2009)

A preacher lying on his death bed requested the presence of his lawyer and his banker. Both men, remembering the long sermons against greed + covetousness were in awe that they were invited. The priest grabbed both their hands and sighed in relief. Finally the lawyer spoke, "Um Preacher, why did you ask us to come to your death bed?" The preacher looked at both men and said, "Jesus died between two thieves, that's how I want to go."


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## Woodstock.Hippie (Nov 13, 2009)

An Italian man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." 
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"


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## CrackerJax (Nov 13, 2009)

*Little Bobby Goes to the Park *

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying
week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, &#8220;Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?&#8221;
Bobby said, &#8220;Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.&#8221;
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, &#8220;What makes you say God did
this with his left hand?&#8221;
&#8220;Well,&#8221; said Bobby, &#8220;we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's
right hand!&#8221;


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## krustofskie (Nov 14, 2009)

potsmokinbasturd said:


> Who would be stupid enuff to make fun of God, do u also sit around burning yourself with matches ???


As the great Bugs Bunny says "Aaahhhh Shut up"

*J*esus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with Heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming: 'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work..

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged his shoulders and said, "JESUS SAVES"

(Line for the Picture "God, can you hear me now".)


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## Woodstock.Hippie (Nov 15, 2009)

John Elway, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Broncos flag in the window. "This house is yours for eternity, John," said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here." John felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. 

On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a Green & White & Silver sidewalk, a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous EAGLES logo flag, and in every window, an Eagles emblem. John looked at God and said "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was an all-pro QB, I won 2 Super Bowls, and I even went to the Hall of Fame." 
God said "So what's your point John?" 
"Well, why does Donovan McNabb get a better house than me?" 
God chuckled, and said "John, that's not Donovan's house, it's mine."


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## Woodstock.Hippie (Nov 20, 2009)

An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.
One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."
Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


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