# Best Joke to Tell High?



## MrDank007 (Feb 25, 2011)

I love a good joke. 

And with the right audience (stoned) and good joke teller you have the potential for beet red faces, snot bubbles, mild choking ect....good times.
Lay on your funniest!


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## tricka (Feb 25, 2011)

its stupid but thats how i get when im high!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: Anything you fucking want, it's not going to come to ya!!


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## TokeSmoker420 (Feb 25, 2011)

i got like yo momma jokes, and some other jokes that might be considered racist that i dont want to post, because im not racist, they just funny. ill lay down a yo momma.

*Yo momma so stupid, she thought a cocktail, was the position I put her in last night*


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## grobofotwanky (Feb 25, 2011)

So I looks at him right, and I says to him, I says, "Get your own monkey!"


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## tardis (Feb 25, 2011)

Why do blondes in San Francisco wear such short short skirts?


To show off their balls.


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## BOOGS (Feb 25, 2011)

Did you know hellen keller had a swingset in here backyard?.....niether did she!

What did hellen keller name her dog?......DUHERRR!!!!!


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## tardis (Feb 25, 2011)

A man walks into a bar with a backpack on. He sits at the bar and says to the bartender, "If I show you something amazing could I have a free drink?" bartender says "It better be extremely amazing cause I don't surprise easy." 
The man reaches in his bag and takes out a tiny piano and places it on the bar, reaches in again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, reaches in again and pulls out a real live 12 inch tall man in a tuxedo. He places the man on the bar and the man stretches, seats himself on the bench, then starts playing beautiful piano music that fills the bar with glee. 
"That is AMAZING!" says the bartender quickly getting the man a free beer. "Where did you find him?"
"Well," says the man "It all happend when i found THIS magic lamp" and he pulls a magic lamp out of his backpack.
Quickly, always wanting a magic lamp, the bartender rips the magic lamp from the mans hands. "No wait!" yelps the man
The bartender rubs the magic lamp and out pops a genie, the genie says "I'll grant you one wish!" and the bartender says "I Wish for a million bucks!"
Poof! Instantly the bar is filled with a million ducks, the ducks are on the bar, the ducks are on the stools, the ducks are in the beers, everyone is pushed against the walls by all the million ducks in the bar. Angry the bartender yells "I said BUCKS not DUCKS!"
and the man says "What, you think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?!?!?!?"


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## tardis (Feb 25, 2011)

Bear walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer."
Bartender says "no, we don't serve bears." 
Bear gets angry, and says "You serve me a beer or i'll go eat that drunk girl at the end of the bar!"
"I don't serve bears." says the bartender coldly.
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and while looking the bartender in the eyes he devours the girl and eats her completely.
The bear walks from the skeleton left back to the bartender and says "Give me a beer!"
Bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve drug users."
The bear angrily says "Drug users! I'm not a drug user I never used a drug in my life!"
Bartender says "Oh yeah? What about that bar bitch you ate?"

(if you don't get it say that last line 3 times fast, if you still don't get it, then stop the drug use ;P)


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## tardis (Feb 25, 2011)

Q: How many pot smokers does it take to change a light bulb?

P: How many?

Q: How many what?


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## tardis (Feb 25, 2011)

What do Marijuana and light bulbs have in common?

When you light both up suddenly you see everything more clearly.


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## MrDank007 (Feb 25, 2011)

This is one my dad and his buddy invented for a college presentation.

2 naked statues, one male and one female are in an old town in the park and have been there for generations.
One day, the fairy statue mother appears and grants them life from their stone molds for a day.

The 2 statues come to life and begin to stretch. The boy statue looks at the girl statue and says, "You know I've had many years to think about some things" and kind of nods to the adjacent bushes and asks.."are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

The girl statue coyly smiles and the 2 go behind the bushes and for about an hour there is much shaking and rustling.

The 2 statues come back out into the opening and the boy statue says, "Wow, that was great! You want to do it again?"

The girl statues smiles and says, "Sure, but this time you hold the pigeon and I'll shit on it"


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## MrDank007 (Feb 25, 2011)

BOOGS said:


> Did you know hellen keller had a swingset in here backyard?.....niether did she!
> 
> What did hellen keller name her dog?......DUHERRR!!!!!


Hellen Keller jokes are sooooooo bad.

How do you torture Helen Keller?....leave a plunger in the toilet.
How come Hellen Keller couldn't drive? Because she was a woman.


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## HarryCarey (Feb 25, 2011)

Q: How many kids with ADD does i take to change a light bulb
A: .......Lets go ride bikes


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## H2grOw (Feb 25, 2011)

A birch and a beech are growing side by side in the woods. In the distance, an new tree is growing. The birch said it was a son of a birch. The beech insisted that it was a son of a beech. A wood pecker flies by, and they ask him to fly over and tell them whether it was the son of a beech or birch. Off he flies and returns to them. The woodpecker declared, "It's not a birch and its not a beech. That's the best piece of ash I've ever stuck my pecker into."


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## GreenGurl (Feb 25, 2011)

A mushroom walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Get lost, we don't serve your kind." The mushroom shrugs and says, "Why not? I'm a fungi!"


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## loquacious (Feb 25, 2011)

What's 18 inches, purple, and makes all the ladies scream?...

Crib death! Still one of my favorites of all time.


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## GreenGurl (Feb 26, 2011)

Ew gross. 

A mommy rabbit and a baby rabbit were sneaking vegetables in someone's garden. The mommy rabbit takes a bite of a carrot and says, "Hmmm, this carrot tastes kind of pithy!" The baby rabbit replies, "I know, because I pithed on it!"


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## GreenGurl (Feb 26, 2011)

Speaking of gross...

What did one tampon say to the other tampon? 

Nothing. (They were both stuck up bitches.) [Alternate ending for telling around really good friends: "They were both stuck up cunts."]

PS: as a female, I'm allowed to tell this awesome and nasty joke!


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## loquacious (Feb 26, 2011)

You know what's gross? 10 dead babies in a trash can! You know what's grosser than that? A live one at the bottom eating it's way out! You know what's gross? Getting a kiss from grandma! You know what's grosser than that? She slips you the tongue!


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## VER D (Feb 26, 2011)

^ not a very good joke teller


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## H2grOw (Feb 26, 2011)

Gotta be standing next to someone to tell this one....

Q: What's a 12 year old's pussy smell like?
A: {breathe into persons face}


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## tricka (Feb 26, 2011)

all women that have heard this have hated it and then subsequently hated me for it? 
mind you this after they have told me no matter how rude it is - they as a woman would not get offended....well ALL of them were wrong!
Here Goes.....

Q: Whats 8 inches long and is blue and purple, and makes a women scream first thing in the morning? (say that in a sexy manner implying where joke will go)

A: Cot death (and BAM! you say that bluntly) 

Ive had 4 slaps across the face and countless disgusted looks thrown at me, so i will never tell this joke around another woman, no matter what she sais!


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## H2grOw (Feb 26, 2011)

Susie comes home from school and tells her mother "Johnny showed me his wiener on the playground today." Her mother was speechless. "It reminded me of a peanut", she continued. Feeling relieved, she asked Susie "That small was it?" To this Susie replied, "No, it was salty."


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## Spartan h20 (Feb 26, 2011)

A cop stakes out a bar at closing time for possible DUI violations, he sees a Guy stumble out the bar to his car & try to open his car door but he drops his keys & falls down trying to pick them up at the same time 7 - 10 patrons walk out the bar & get in there cars and leave. The guy finally gets off the ground gets in his car & pulls off the cop immediately pulls him over & gives the guy a breathalyzer, the cop is shocked when the breathalyzer comes back 0.0

The cop demands to know how this is possible. 

The guy replies I'm the designated decoy tonite


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## Downey (Feb 26, 2011)

cheers tricka

i read this somewhere thought it was funny maybe cuz i have a few "rednecks" in the family
Q: how do you castrate a redneck?
A: kick his sister in the jaw

no offence to any rednecks out there


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## bunnyface (Feb 26, 2011)

there a couple sitting on the couch one night watching the t.v.

the man looks to his girlfreind, smiles and asks' will you tell me somthing that will make me happy and sad all at the same time.???'

the girlfreind looks to him and says, 'okay'.....she thinks for a second.....'You have a bigger cock than all your mates..'

..............


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## bunnyface (Feb 26, 2011)

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]There was a papa mole, a mamma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. 
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!" 
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!" 
[/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.

[/FONT][FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."[/FONT]
.....................


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## bunnyface (Feb 26, 2011)

the mole ones not to funny so I must redeem myself...

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. 
The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?" 
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen." 
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?" 
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."


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## Corso312 (Feb 26, 2011)

2 gerbils are walking down the street.. they come across a gay bar, the one gerbil says to the other gerbil " lets go get shit faced"


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## bunnyface (Feb 26, 2011)

tricka said:


> sorry................................crap


what both...aw.... well ,,see if this is any good.

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, &#8220;Stop! Stop! You&#8217;re not going to..to..Cut it off, are you???!?&#8221; The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, &#8220;Nope. You are. I&#8217;m going to set the garage on fire!&#8221;


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## tricka (Feb 26, 2011)

Q: whats the difference between pink and purple?
A: the grip

Q: What the definaition of good, exellent and show off?
A: Spit, Swallow, and Gargle!


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## tricka (Feb 26, 2011)

bunnyface said:


> the mole ones not to funny so I must redeem myself...
> 
> A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table.
> The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
> ...


Im really baked and missed a page sort of, or its juz my eyes, but that is winning for sure!!


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## grokillaz (Feb 26, 2011)

What did the man say to the women with two black eyes?

Nothig he already told her twice.

Not the best joke if females or your other half is around.


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## bunnyface (Feb 26, 2011)

great..long as your laughing..

how about...

There was this girl ,Tina,,and she was walking home from school when 2 boys said Climb up that tree and i will give you £20&#8243; so she did,
then when she got home Tina yelled hey mum i got £20 from 2 boys because i climbed up a tree.
thats good Tina said her mother,
,and she did the same thing the next day and said to her mum i got £20 again .
"you know that there only doing that to look at your nickers." said mother..
oh Tina said,,
But the next day she went up the tree and got£20 from the two boys .
do you remember what i told you said her mum.
"Yeah,but i outsmarted them,, i took my nickers off".


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## grezyolgranny (Feb 26, 2011)

old prostitute goes into bar and bets bartender ten dollars that she can out ryme him.he nods his head and she says ....two and three is five and five and four is nine.i can tell how long is yours,butt you cant tell how deep is mine.
bartender takes a moment and as shes grabbing for the money he says.two and three is five and five and four is nine,.i can piss in yours ,butt you cant piss in mine.


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## tardis (Feb 26, 2011)

A Hawaiian Hunter is out duck hunting in the midwest. He sees a beautiful duck fly he hears a pop, pop, and realizing the man missed he quickly aimmed and fired himself and saw the duck fall in the distance. He manuvered through all the brush to find ANOTHER hunter holding his duck. 
"woah woah woah, buddy," says the man "Thats my duck you are holding, I heard you fire twice and when you missed I fired and nailed it and it fell!"
"no no!" said the man "I fired twice shot the duck then after it was falling I heard you fire your gun! I shot this duck!"
The hawaiian hunter said "Hey, lets settle this the way we do in Hawaii, if your brave enough. Roshambo! I'll haul off and kick you in the nuts, you haul off and kick me in the nuts, and we go back and forth back and forth until the man who can't take it anymore is declared the weakest and the other guy keeps the duck as prize. You man enough?"
"Yeah, that sounds fair, i'm tougher than you are!" declares the man holding the duck. 
"Stand up" says the hawaiian Hunter and the other man puts down the duck, stands up opens his legs and braces himself.

THe Hawaiian Hunter hauls off and kicks him in the nuts. the second hunter falls to the ground in pain and rolls back and forth, he takes a while to finally stumble back up and says 
"OK My turn."

and the hunter says "heh, keep the fucking duck."


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## tardis (Feb 26, 2011)

tricka said:


> meh....a 5


Darn, thats one of my favorites...

OK, how about this one.


How many irish men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2, one to hold the light bulb in place, and the other to drink till the room starts spinning!

(This joke is especially great when drinking on Saint Pattys Day)


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## H2grOw (Feb 27, 2011)

Q: Why do midgets laugh when they run?

A: The grass tickles their balls.


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## jannabana69631 (Feb 27, 2011)

Have you guys ever seen Stevie Wonders mother??

Dont worry....neither has he!


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## jannabana69631 (Feb 27, 2011)

If there is a black guy and a mexican guy in a car....who's driving?


The police! haha


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## auldone (Feb 27, 2011)

A man walks into a bar.....

The next man ducks.


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## jannabana69631 (Feb 27, 2011)

This black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, Oh my god! He's beautiful, where did you get him?
The parrot says Africa...theres millions of them!!


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## meezy4tw (Feb 27, 2011)

This thread is pretty damn entertaining, like, stevie wonder vs helen keller in a tennis match entertaining.
I dont really have a joke, but let me leave you all with a couple of comic strips. 
The second one cracks me up.)


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## jannabana69631 (Feb 27, 2011)

OMG that 2nd one is a riot! LOL


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## MrDank007 (Feb 27, 2011)

Noone has really stepped over the line...I guess I'll go there.

How do you make an 8 year old cry twice?
You wipe your bloody cock on their teddy bear.


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## racerboy71 (Feb 27, 2011)

not my idea of funny, and i'd never do it, nor do i condone it, but here goes...
q.. what do you tell a chic w/ two black eyes??
a.. nothing, you already told her twice.

and another.. why didn't anyone hear helen keller fall off the cliff??
she had gloves on..

how did helen keller burn her hands?
trying to answer the waffle iron..


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## H2grOw (Feb 27, 2011)

Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Barak Obama are flying in Airforce One for a weekend getaway in Camp David. After a rough patch of turbulence, the pilot announces over he intercom, "Presidents, the plane has been damaged and is going to crash. We need to parachute to safety, but there are only two parachutes left." The pilot then bails from the plane. Clinton hands Bush a pack and gives him a firm handshake. Bush thanks him, and jumps out of the plane. Clinton then hands Obama a parachute. Obama replies, "Maybe we should flip a coin to see who gets the last chute." Clinton responds, "No need to worry, George has my gym bag," as he pulls out the other parachute.


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## meezy4tw (Feb 27, 2011)

MrDank007 said:


> Noone has really stepped over the line...I guess I'll go there.
> 
> How do you make an 8 year old cry twice?
> You wipe your bloody cock on their teddy bear.


His*

You cant go there unless you take it all the way man lol


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## H2grOw (Feb 27, 2011)

A baby seal walks into a club.....


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## meezy4tw (Feb 27, 2011)

These ones are kind of bad, don't read them if you get offended. lol

Why do women have legs? So they dont leave slime trails like snails.
What do you call a puerto rican on a bike? Thief.
Why did god bless black people with such big dicks? Because he fucked up and put pubic hair on their heads.

I also have this little burn I do to people it goes something like:

"K, so if I have 3 black roosters, how many eyes do they have alltogether?" 6
"How many tails?" 3
"How many beaks?" 3
"How many legs?" 6
"How many feet?" 6 
"How many wings?" 6
"How many hairs are on a white cat?" No clue.
"well how is it you know so much about black cocks and nothing about white pussy?"


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## bunnyface (Feb 28, 2011)

When Mrs. Ghandi went to Moscow, Khrushchev took her for a tour of the city in his limo. Recalling his visit to India, He started giving her a hard time about the sanitary conditions there. 
"When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere." 
Poor Mrs. Ghandi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment, because just ahead was a man sitting on his heels, shitting on the side of the road. She pointed this out. 
Khrushchev was livid and didn't hesitate: "Driver, get out immediately and shoot that man!" 
The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly, and then returned to the car. "Sir, I can't shoot that man, he's the Indian ambassador." 
No offense...its a joke......


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## bunnyface (Feb 28, 2011)

same with this....


Why are there so many homes for battered women? 
Because they just don't fucking listen!! *[ I don't explain jokes, but I would like to point out on this one that I think it's funny because the man's attidude is so ludicrous. If you weren't aware that beating women was wrong, you would not find any humour in this joke...]* 


Why do Japanese Sumo wrestlers shave their legs? So you can tell them apart from feminists. 

see now no offense to anyone once again,,its only a joke....


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## Downey (Feb 28, 2011)

Q:how do you get a condom on an elephant?

hint: you take the "T" out of the, and the "F" out of way

the answer is in your answer
ask a friend if you havent figured out the answer


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## Downey (Feb 28, 2011)

Sex is _not _the answer. Sex is the question. And the answer is yes!
i read this in a book btw


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## madcatter (Feb 28, 2011)

Crazy people take the Psychopath thru the forest


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## secretweapon (Feb 28, 2011)

lol i don't have any jokes but Doug Benson does!
[video=youtube;zDW1seLdNVU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDW1seLdNVU[/video]


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## Dr. Greenhorn (Feb 28, 2011)

Downey said:


> Q:how do you get a condom on an elephant?
> 
> hint: you take the "T" out of the, and the "F" out of way
> 
> ...





Downey said:


> Sex is _not _the answer. Sex is the question. And the answer is yes!
> i read this in a book btw


do I need to be high to get these jokes or something? 'cause I don't get it, lol


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## H2grOw (Feb 28, 2011)

Two nuns are riding bicycles back to the convent. The first nun says "I've never come this way before." The second nun replies, "I know... its the cobblestones."


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## MrDank007 (Mar 1, 2011)

A Priest and a Rabbi were walking down the street when they passed by a little boy bent over tying his shoe. The Priest turned to the Rabbi and said "Lets fuck him!" The Rabbi looked at the Priest and said "Out of what?"


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## groovedaddy (Mar 1, 2011)

whaddya call a white baby with white wings? an angel. Whaddya call a black baby with black wings? a bat.


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## groovedaddy (Mar 1, 2011)

a Possum is up in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks by and asks to join him. After a few puffs the lizard gets cotton mouth and tells the possum he is going to get a drink of water. As he leans over the bank of the river to drink he falls in and is rescued by an alligator. The alligator asks the lizard why he is so clumsy today and the lizard tells him that he has been smokin out with that hippy possum in the tree back there. The alligator could use a buzz so he goes to investigate. As he approaches the tree the possum yells down "Damn you was thirsty!"


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## racerboy71 (Mar 1, 2011)

Dr. Greenhorn said:


> do I need to be high to get these jokes or something? 'cause I don't get it, lol


 i didn't get it either, and still not sure if i have it right, but i read the clue aloud, and i think i got it.. i'm gonna pm the poster and see if i was right, i don't wanna spoil it for anyone else..


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## Downey (Mar 1, 2011)

racerboy71 said:


> i didn't get it either, and still not sure if i have it right, but i read the clue aloud, and i think i got it.. i'm gonna pm the poster and see if i was right, i don't wanna spoil it for anyone else..


you got it lol.........i was really stoned myself when i wrote that joke....


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## rollin in grass (Mar 1, 2011)

Yo teeth so yellow when you look out the window a person always says "sunshine in the mooooorning"


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## MrDank007 (Mar 1, 2011)

This is a good stoner joke..bad normal joke.

A guy is sitting with his girl and smiles right before cutting one. Much to his dismay the fart went "HOOOOONDA". He thought that was weird. A few days go buy and he is on the john and sure enough "HONDA!" And he starts to get worried as he is passing gas more and more. About this time he is experiencing a terrible toothache, so he drives to his asian dentist. As he is laying in the chair his stomach starts to gurgle as he is telling the dentist about his toothache and sure enough HONDAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Terribly embarassed, he apologizes. The asian dentist says "Hmm, ok open mouth" He takes a look "Just as I suspected...you have abscess." "Abscess?"

"Yes...abscess make the fart go HONDA!

oh man, that's dumb...


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## H2grOw (Mar 1, 2011)

Two truckers spot a hitchhiker and decide to give him a ride. After they had gone a few miles, the driver says, "I hope you will excuse me, but I have to fart." He rolls down the window, cocks his leg and lets a silent one go. A few miles later, the other trucker says "I have to fart, too." They roll down the windows and he also cuts a silent one. Several miles later, the hitchiker has to pass gas as well. He politely asks the truckers to roll down their windows again. He cuts a loud and long one. The two truckers look at each other and say, "Virgin!"


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## bushybush (Mar 2, 2011)

What do parsley and pussy hair have in common?


You push 'em both aside and keep on eating.


ba-dum schhh.


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## Spartan h20 (Mar 2, 2011)

How do you get 4 gay guys to fit on a bar stool? 


( flip it upside down )


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## Spartan h20 (Mar 2, 2011)

How do you get 4 gay guys to fit on a bar stool? 


( flip it upside down )


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## MrDank007 (Mar 2, 2011)

How does a gay guy fake an orgasm?
He spits on your back!

ICK!


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## W N L (Mar 2, 2011)

What does a pizza guy and a gynecologist have in common?

----&#9658; They both can smell it, but can't eat it.

LOLROFLMAOWTFBBQ????!!!


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## W N L (Mar 2, 2011)

Spartan h20 said:


> How do you get 4 gay guys to fit on a bar stool?
> 
> 
> ( flip it upside down )




LAWL. Heard it before, but still a classic!


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## VER D (Mar 2, 2011)

i heard this on up in smoke i forgot how it went but the punch line was "the only meat a priest could have on friday was none "


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## VER D (Mar 2, 2011)

Willie Nelson jokes are the best epically if ur high 
[video=youtube;wGS7Ss6K4O4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wGS7Ss6K4O4&feature=related[/video]


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## racerboy71 (Mar 2, 2011)

i still don't get the skeleton going into the bar joke???? from big willie..


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## Dr. Greenhorn (Mar 2, 2011)

racerboy71 said:


> i still don't get the skeleton going into the bar joke???? from big willie..


the skeleton asked for a beer and a mop.......... the mop is to clean up the beer after he drinks it, lol. it's a skeleton! lol


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## racerboy71 (Mar 2, 2011)

Dr. Greenhorn said:


> the skeleton asked for a beer and a mop.......... the mop is to clean up the beer after he drinks it, lol. it's a skeleton! lol


 ahh.. got it now.. lol.. i never would have put that together on my own though.. thanks for the help..


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## Dr. Greenhorn (Mar 2, 2011)

racerboy71 said:


> ahh.. got it now.. lol.. i never would have put that together on my own though.. thanks for the help..


 no problem  there's a few jokes that are on this thread that I still don't get, lol. like the honda joke, I still haven't gotten that one yet


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## racerboy71 (Mar 2, 2011)

Dr. Greenhorn said:


> no problem  there's a few jokes that are on this thread that I still don't get, lol. like the honda joke, I still haven't gotten that one yet


 the honda joke? i must have missed that one, got to go back and look now.. i was impressed that i actually figured out the how to put a condom on an elephant joke..


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## racerboy71 (Mar 2, 2011)

i just got the honda one.. had to read it a few times though.. absence.. absess.. absence makes the heart grow founder.. makes the fart go honda.. pretty lame, but atleast i got it, lol.


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## Dr. Greenhorn (Mar 2, 2011)

racerboy71 said:


> i just got the honda one.. had to read it a few times though.. absence.. absess.. absence makes the heart grow founder.. makes the fart go honda.. pretty lame, but atleast i got it, lol.


thanks. I would have never gotten that, I don't get lame jokes, lol


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## racerboy71 (Mar 2, 2011)

Dr. Greenhorn said:


> thanks. I would have never gotten that, I don't get lame jokes, lol


 lol.. that's why i was shocked that i got it... i had to read it aloud a few times, and somehow it just dawned on me..


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## Downey (Mar 3, 2011)

racerboy71 said:


> the honda joke? i must have missed that one, got to go back and look now.. i was impressed that i actually figured out the how to put a condom on an elephant joke..


glad you got the condom one lol...a lot dont


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## MrDank007 (Mar 3, 2011)

racerboy71 said:


> i just got the honda one.. had to read it a few times though.. absence.. absess.. absence makes the heart grow founder.. makes the fart go honda.. pretty lame, but atleast i got it, lol.


That's one where you punch the person in the arm for telling it, but your still laughing. Again, better high. Also just saying HONDA really loud when describing a fart makes people laugh


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## H2grOw (Mar 3, 2011)

Q: A lesbian couple and a gay couple are both racing to the airport to catch a flight. Who arrives at the airport first?

A: The lesbians... They were doing 69 the whole way while the guys ware still packing their shit.


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## racerboy71 (Mar 3, 2011)

q.. what do you call the worthless skin around a vagina??

a.... a woman...


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## MrDank007 (Mar 4, 2011)

HA HA.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Kick her and tell her to keep scrubbing


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## bestbuds09 (Mar 4, 2011)

i still dont get the condom and elephant joke.....
maybe after i hit my bowl..................................
nope still dont get it


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## VER D (Mar 11, 2011)

so a blonde walks in to a bar......


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## VER D (Mar 11, 2011)

groovedaddy said:


> a Possum is up in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks by and asks to join him. After a few puffs the lizard gets cotton mouth and tells the possum he is going to get a drink of water. As he leans over the bank of the river to drink he falls in and is rescued by an alligator. The alligator asks the lizard why he is so clumsy today and the lizard tells him that he has been smokin out with that hippy possum in the tree back there. The alligator could use a buzz so he goes to investigate. As he approaches the tree the possum yells down "Damn you was thirsty!"


 haha just got it


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## NoobgrowerLbc (Mar 12, 2011)

Please no one take this joke seriousely or offensive but its fuckin halarious. My younger brother is with a dark dark girl whom he cant supply financially so, he bugs mom for money everyday and runs off with my car to see his gf who is not the normal black girl she is blacker than a crayon. My younger brother is asian but dark as hell too. I made an inside joke on him, i ask him so you like that purple koooooooosh?  hes like yup lol what he does not know is purple kush is an inside joke for his gf purple pussy lol! Everyone dies when i tell than that inside joke and till this day he dosent know wat purple kush means lol. Even funnier my mom sometimes says purple kush when shes mad that he need to ask for money lol


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## Derple (Mar 14, 2011)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you fuck wit!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"


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## Derple (Mar 14, 2011)

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?


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## watchmefly420 (Mar 23, 2011)

Downey said:


> Q:how do you get a condom on an elephant?
> 
> hint: you take the "T" out of the, and the "F" out of way
> 
> ...


Took me two days but i finally got it i feel stupid.


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## WeeGogs (Mar 25, 2011)

a guy walks in to a rough bar with his head all hanging lopsided, he asks the barman for a "vodka and coke", the barman switly pours it and puts it on the bar, the stranger then says "hey make it a double", so the barman adds some more to the glass and places it on the bar, the guy says "what the hell make it a treble" so the barman tops it up again and places it on the bar and says "that will be 5 bucks", just then the stranger grabs it and downs the lot fast, he burps and looks up from his lopsided head and says "i dont got any money", the barman replys, "if you did that down at the stags head bar they would break your fucking neck" the guy replies " i know", "ive just been there".


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## WeeGogs (Mar 25, 2011)

a guy breaks in to a house, and while hes creeping through the lounge, he hears a voice, "jesus is watching you", so he gets a bit scared and freezes on the spot, he waits a while and starts creeping again, he hears the voice even louder "jesus is watching you" , he freezes again, he waits ages then starts to creep again, he hears the voice shouting " jesus is watching you" he peers in to a corner and spots a parrot cage, he strolls over and says "hey stop shouting", the parrot trembles and says "ok sorry".. "whats your name" asks the burglar, judas says the parrot, the burgler laughs out loud, and says, " what stupid bastard called you a name like judas" the parrot says and points in the other corner " the same stupid bastard that called that rottweiler jesus".


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## WeeGogs (Mar 25, 2011)

i was in a disco bar alone once on holiday and near the end of the night i thought i better go back to the hotel, i started to walk and thought if i cross that field it will be a shortcut so i climbed the fence, as i walked i nearly fell in to a massive deep hole about 50 feet across, it was huge so i picked up a stone and dropped it in and listened for a noise, i heard nothing so i looked around and saw this old white ceramic bath/sink thing from an old house the farmer uses it to give his animals water, it was heavy as hell and i dragged it over to the hole, i pushed it in and i heard this loud scampering noise behind me so i turned around fast, there was a goat running right at me with its head down in the butting position and i jumped out the way and it went straight down the big hole, i heard a huge splash, then another huge splash, so i ran like hell, i got to this gate and there was a farmer standing behind it, he said, " you not seen goat around these parts ave you" i said no sorry, he said " never mind, it wont get far, its tied to an old bath", i replied, "no i dont suppose it will".


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## WeeGogs (Mar 26, 2011)

i found an old cellar under my house and when i excavated it to build a secret grow room and then opened it up i found a skeleton, so i called the police, when the police came they taped off my house and started a murder enquiry, there was a short tv appeal for any missing persons, and it was about 2 weeks later that the police found out who it was, it was the 1982 northern ireland hide and seek champion.


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## I already Node (Mar 27, 2011)

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."
So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.


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## I already Node (Mar 27, 2011)

A married couple down on their luck decides to make a few extra bucks by reluctantly having the wife work the corner. After the first day the husband picks her up and asks "how did you do?". She says, "I did pretty well, I made $200.50". He asks, "What asshole gave you 50 cents?" and she replies "all of them".


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## I already Node (Mar 27, 2011)

Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
Neither have they.


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## I already Node (Mar 27, 2011)

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so low?


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## legalizeitcanada (Mar 27, 2011)

As someone stated earlier don't read if you are easily offended...LOL

why do fish smell the way they do?
Cause women started swimming

What do you call a black guy in a 3 piece suit?
Defendant

What do you call a dog with three legs
Tripod

What do you call 1000 black guys buried up to their necks?
Afro Turf

Whats long black and smelly?
The unemployment line

How do you know when a blond has been using your computer?
The joystick is sticky

What did the priest say to the alter boy?
BEND OVER........and pray

Why is it always better with twenty five year olds?
cause there's 20 of em

Whats Micheal Jackson's idea of a perfect 10
2 five year olds

(insert heavy Indian accent here)
There is this Paki guy named Habbib that works in a flour factory. One day his boss tells him to change a light bulb over a basin of flour. He grabs a ladders climbs up and when at the top slips and falls in the flower...he runs over to his supervisor and says...."boss, boss, I have fell in the flour and am all white and dirty, can I go home take a shower and change....the boss says..."dammit Habbib, you got one hour to be back here or your fired" "1000 thankyou's, please" Habbib Replys

Habbib heads out on his way home running down the street and meets up his grandfather...."Habbib", he says..."Why are you running down the street and now at work?"

"I fell in the flour and am all white and dirty and only have one hour to go home and change" he replies and continues running...

then he meets up his grandmother..."HAABIB" she says....."what are you doing runnin round the streets boi, don't you have work today?"

"I fell in the flour and am all white and dirty and I only have 45min to go home and change" he replies and continues running....

then he meets up with his dad " HABBIB, why are you gallivanting on the streets boy...why are you not making money for the family?....

"I fell in the flour and am all white and dirty and only have 30 mins to go home and change" he replies and continues running

Then he meets up with his mother..."HAABEEEEB"she screams.....what are you doing on da streets boi, you have a baby at home and bills to pay, did we not raise you better than this?"


"Mama, I fell in the flour and am all white and dirty and only have 15mins to go home and change" he replies and continues running

Finally he gets home and pulls out his keys to open the door.....his wife is standing there holding the baby and says screach'ingly "HAAABEEEEB!" what are you doing home, you have a baby to feed and bills to pay, how are you makin money?"

And Habbib replies in utter frustration...."I have been white one fucking hour and already I am sick of you goddamn packies!"


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## UNICRONLIVES (Mar 27, 2011)

did you hear about the ethiopian who fell in the alligator pit!?.........ate 3 before they could get'em out!!


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## tip top toker (Mar 27, 2011)

MrDank007 said:


> This is one my dad and his buddy invented for a college presentation.
> 
> 2 naked statues, one male and one female are in an old town in the park and have been there for generations.
> One day, the fairy statue mother appears and grants them life from their stone molds for a day.
> ...


Think your dad might be telling porkies


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## Carne Seca (Mar 27, 2011)

A doe walks out of the woods and says, "that's the last time I do that for 2 bucks."

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Larry?" 

A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He says, "Give me one for the road." 

A pirate walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, "Hey, where'd you get that?" The parrot says, "The Caribbean. There's a ton of them there." 

A dog walks into a bar with a bandage wrapped around one foot. He says, "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw." 

A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this a joke?"

A man walks into a bar with a pair of jumper cables. The bartender says "you can stay but don't start anything"


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## WeeGogs (Mar 27, 2011)

a bear and a rabbit are in the forrest having a crap together, the bear says to the rabbit " hey rabbit, do you ever get a problem with shit sticking to your fur" the rabbit replies " no " the bear replies " you do now " as he picks him up and wipes his ass with him ".


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## UNICRONLIVES (Mar 27, 2011)

2 guys walk into a bar..the 3rd one ducks!


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## Total Head (Mar 28, 2011)

Q: what goes plop plop fizz fizz?
A: twin babies in an acid bath

A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. 
The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
"Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?" she cried.
The doctor replied: "I&#8217;m just joking with you! It was stillborn."


do i win?


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## I already Node (Mar 28, 2011)

A black man, an asian man, and an afghan man walked into a bar. The bartender said get the fuck out!


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## legalizeitcanada (Mar 28, 2011)

4 days older than water..this joke is...



WeeGogs said:


> a bear and a rabbit are in the forrest having a crap together, the bear says to the rabbit " hey rabbit, do you ever get a problem with shit sticking to your fur" the rabbit replies " no " the bear replies " you do now " as he picks him up and wipes his ass with him ".


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## WeeGogs (Mar 28, 2011)

Total Head said:


> Q: what goes plop plop fizz fizz?
> A: twin babies in an acid bath
> 
> A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might.
> ...


i thought the end was gonna be, it was a bouncing healthy baby and the doctor being an ex soccer goalkeeper bounced it three times and took an almighty goal kick up the field.


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## WeeGogs (Mar 28, 2011)

a little old lady is driving along the motorway in an old austin mini when suddenly the car broke down so she pulled over and stopped, a few minutes later a ferrari pulled over and the driver asked are you ok, no replied the old lady the car is broken, ok said the man i have a tow rope i will tow you to a garage, if i go too fast for you just peep on your horn and flash your lights to slow me down, ok said the old lady, they are driving along the road when suddenly this top of the range porshe carrera turbo goes flying past, the ferrari driver getting annoyed accelerates up to 90mph to catch the porshe, the porshe driver spots the ferrari and accelerates to 120 the ferrari driver is seething and its now a full on race reaching speeds well over 160mph, they passed a police patrol car at the side of the road and the cop nearly choked on his sandwich, he shouted down the radio, hey listen to this john, a porshe carrera turbo just went past at 167mph, a ferrari behind it going at 166mph and a little old mini behind the ferrari doing 165mph and the old lady driver is peeping the horn and flashing the lights trying to get past.


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## WeeGogs (Mar 28, 2011)

legalizeitcanada said:


> 4 days older than water..this joke is...


you must be too then to have heard it.


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## WeeGogs (Mar 28, 2011)

an englisman a scotsman and an irishman get caught by the pigmys in the forrest, they say to the englishman death or bunjy the englishman trembles and says bbbunjy, they grab him and fuck him up and down the forest for 3 hours then let him go, they say to the scotsman, death or bunjy, seeing what happened to the englishman he replies bbbunjy, they grab him and fuck him upside down for 3 hours and then let him go, they say to the irishman, death or bunjy, he shouts ime from the toughest country in the world, death, so they grab him and shout, death by bunjy.


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## WeeGogs (Mar 28, 2011)

a scotsman gets caught by the mad suzulu cannibal tribe in the jungle and they take him back to the village, the chief shouts get him in the pot and the scotsman shouts give me a chance, ok shouts the chief, we will give you three tasks if you pass all three we will send you to freedom, ok said the scotsman, the chief directed him to 3 huts in the first hut is a barrel of whiskey if you can drink it all you have passed, in the second hut is a lion with a rotten tooth it is a very angry lion and if you can remove the tooth and the lion is happy you have passed, in the 3rd hut is the village whore the whole suzulu tribe have fucked her and not one of us have satisfied her if you can satisfy her then you are free. ok said the scotsman, he enters the first hut and shuts the door, a lot of gurgling, slurping and burping can be heard, an hour later he staggers out pissed as a fart and the barrel is empty, the chief throws him in the second hut and shuts the door, alot of growling and snarling can be heard , an hour later the scotsman staggers out and the lion is asleep in the hut, the chief throws him in the 3rd hut and shuts the door 2 minutes later he staggers out burps and shouts she has not got a rotten tooth in her mouth.


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## lozac123 (Mar 28, 2011)

dont get that last one weegogs?? care to explain?

still dont get the possum one or the how do you get a condom onto an elephant...anyone wana explain?


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## I already Node (Mar 28, 2011)

You know what the best thing about fking twenty eight; year olds, is? ........ There's twenty of them!


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## WeeGogs (Mar 28, 2011)

lozac123 said:


> dont get that last one weegogs?? care to explain?
> 
> still dont get the possum one or the how do you get a condom onto an elephant...anyone wana explain?


the scotsman was so pissed he got mixed up and shagged the lion, and when he entered the womans tent he thought she was for the tooth extraction.


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## legalizeitcanada (Mar 28, 2011)

or heard of it.....????



WeeGogs said:


> you must be too then to have heard it.


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## WeeGogs (Mar 29, 2011)

read this before you have a smoke !!!

an italian woman gets pregnant to her married fancy man, and he says, shit, go back to italy and stay there, ok, said the mistress, but i want £300 a week maintenance for the baby, well alright, said the man, but my rich wife must not find out or i will end up with nothing, when the baby is born text me a message " a bowl of spaghetti " and i will know the baby has arrived, ok, said the mistress, i will text you " a bowl of spaghetti " when it is born,,, and i will expect the maintenance money each and every week, fine, said the man, nine months go past and the man is watching tv at night with his wife, his mobile sends out a message received signal, his wife picks it up and says, that is strange, why, says the husband, there is a weird message on it, says his wife, what is it, he says, the wife shouts, three bowls of spaghetti, two with meatballs, and one without, then the man fainted.


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## WeeGogs (Mar 30, 2011)

did you know what muhammad ali and freddie murcury had in common, they were both battered around the ring.
and did you know that in 1998 george michael went in to a public toilet in L.A. to spend a penny and came out with two coppers !!!


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## WeeGogs (Mar 30, 2011)

I already Node said:


> You know what the best thing about fking twenty eight; year olds, is? ........ There's twenty of them!


dont make fun of paedophilia on this site we dont find it funny and it is now one of the worst forms of depraved social diseases this side of the 21st century, my god you are one sick muther fucker.
a lot of us on here have young kids and some of us would capture and torchure a paedophile to death if they harmed one of ours, and i would make it the worst form of pain you could ever imagine, i would strip off his/her skin with a razor slowly day by day, week by week, month by month,treating and letting the wounds heal over just to keep the bastard alive and i would force feed his own skin and flesh to him/her to keep them alive for years, i would use a blowtorch to keep their head hair short too.
go on live leak and check out mexican cartel murders, they torture these fuckers just for drug money and murdering one of their gang members and then film it so the whole process can be watched by you, and every time a body turns up it is always in lots of pieces check out the pictures too, and the result is always the same if you want to stay alive keep your big mouth shut.


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## watchmefly420 (Mar 30, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> dont make fun of paedophilia on this site we dont find it funny and it is now one of the worst forms of depraved social diseases this side of the 21st century, my god you are one sick muther fucker.
> a lot of us on here have young kids and some of us would capture and torchure a paedophile to death if they harmed one of ours, and i would make it the worst form of pain you could ever imagine, i would strip off his/her skin with a razor slowly day by day, week by week, month by month,treating and letting the wounds heal over just to keep the bastard alive and i would force feed his own skin and flesh to him/her to keep them alive for years, i would use a blowtorch to keep their head hair short too.
> go on live leak and check out mexican cartel murders, they torture these fuckers just for drug money and murdering one of their gang members and then film it so the whole process can be watched by you, and every time a body turns up it is always in lots of pieces check out the pictures too, and the result is always the same if you want to stay alive keep your big mouth shut.


First off i have a young daughter and couldnt agree with you more but Damn this is a joke thread and id hope thats how the guy would want it to be takin


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## pop123 (Mar 30, 2011)

just a thought weegogs....what you would do to solve it is pretty horrific/sick


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## legalizeitcanada (Mar 30, 2011)

I'm sure he didn't write the joke.....not justifying the act....but it's the absurdity and play on words that makes it funny.....not the situation itself.....


WeeGogs said:


> dont make fun of paedophilia on this site we dont find it funny and it is now one of the worst forms of depraved social diseases this side of the 21st century, my god you are one sick muther fucker.
> a lot of us on here have young kids and some of us would capture and torchure a paedophile to death if they harmed one of ours, and i would make it the worst form of pain you could ever imagine, i would strip off his/her skin with a razor slowly day by day, week by week, month by month,treating and letting the wounds heal over just to keep the bastard alive and i would force feed his own skin and flesh to him/her to keep them alive for years, i would use a blowtorch to keep their head hair short too.
> go on live leak and check out mexican cartel murders, they torture these fuckers just for drug money and murdering one of their gang members and then film it so the whole process can be watched by you, and every time a body turns up it is always in lots of pieces check out the pictures too, and the result is always the same if you want to stay alive keep your big mouth shut.


----------



## WeeGogs (Mar 30, 2011)

more of a puzzle than a joke, but try it anyway.

think of a number between 1 and 10 ok, now multiply it by 9, ok, whatever the answer comes to add the digits together to give you another number, ok, now subtract 5, ok the number that you have now, if a in the alphabet is 1, b is 2, c is 3, and so on pick the digit for your number, ok, think of a country beginning with that digit, ok, now think of an animal starting with the second digit of that country, ok, now think of the colour of that animal, i might know the answer, i know it, a grey elephant from denmark.


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## racerboy71 (Mar 30, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> more of a puzzle than a joke, but try it anyway.
> 
> think of a number between 1 and 10 ok, now multiply it by 9, ok, whatever the answer comes to add the digits together to give you another number, ok, now subtract 5, ok the number that you have now, if a in the alphabet is 1, b is 2, c is 3, and so on pick the digit for your number, ok, think of a country beginning with that digit, ok, now think of an animal starting with the second digit of that country, ok, now think of the colour of that animal, i might know the answer, i know it, a grey elephant from denmark.


 close.. i said deuchland(sp?).. and did come up with an elephant. so 1/2 point for that, lol..


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## golddog (Mar 30, 2011)

You say :

Did you ever see a one eyed skirt snake, that licks pussy and fucks like a tiger?

They say :

No or giggle

You do this:

Cover one eye and stick your tongue out and wiggle it


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## smokajoe (Mar 30, 2011)

I already Node said:


> Have you ever tried Ethiopian food?
> Neither have they.


Etheopian food is good tho, damn making me hungry!


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## WeeGogs (Mar 31, 2011)

racerboy71 said:


> close.. i said deuchland(sp?).. and did come up with an elephant. so 1/2 point for that, lol..


are you an old german, there is no such a country, deutschland is a disambiguation of germany there are three countries, denmark, djibouti, and dominican, (dominican republic).
0 points to you.


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## golddog (Mar 31, 2011)

*An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West** 
African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the 
black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and 
on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the 
penis to 24 inches. 

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, 
his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African 
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string 
and a weight to his penis.*


*A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little** 
tribal experiment coming along?" 

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied. 

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?" 

"No, it's turned black." 
*


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## I already Node (Mar 31, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> dont make fun of paedophilia on this site we dont find it funny and it is now one of the worst forms of depraved social diseases this side of the 21st century, my god you are one sick muther fucker.
> a lot of us on here have young kids and some of us would capture and torchure a paedophile to death if they harmed one of ours, and i would make it the worst form of pain you could ever imagine, i would strip off his/her skin with a razor slowly day by day, week by week, month by month,treating and letting the wounds heal over just to keep the bastard alive and i would force feed his own skin and flesh to him/her to keep them alive for years, i would use a blowtorch to keep their head hair short too.
> go on live leak and check out mexican cartel murders, they torture these fuckers just for drug money and murdering one of their gang members and then film it so the whole process can be watched by you, and every time a body turns up it is always in lots of pieces check out the pictures too, and the result is always the same if you want to stay alive keep your big mouth shut.


Orale.. I have a kid!!! and I weed out fks as well! Pinche.. amenazas ain't gonna get you know were with me homes.. this was to be taken as a joke!!! nothing more and in no way taken serious... in fact I don't exactly feel it is a respectable joke but its a 'JOKE' none the less... 

The only person in here with a big mouth is you! And throwing around idle threats ain't gaining you any respect, not from me. 

It sounds like you have issues you need to deal with because passing the buck isn't always a way of proving your innocents.. "If you want to stay alive keep your big mouth shut." YOU!!! my friend may be setting your self up for a fall talking like that..

ACTIONS speak louder than words and you have a LOT to say.


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## smokajoe (Mar 31, 2011)

I already Node said:


> I wish I had some.


ya man cut up meat, with peppers, and cabbage/potatoes! YUM!


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## WeeGogs (Mar 31, 2011)

golddog said:


> *An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West*
> *African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When the *
> *black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and *
> *on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the *
> ...


LoL Brilliant..............

an old guy and his wife over 80 years old are sitting at home watching tv, the old guy gets up and starts to put his coat on, where are you going shouts his wife, i am off down to the doctors, whats wrong with you the wife shouts, nothing he said, i want to see if i can get some of those viagra thingys, whaaaat she shouts, well wait for me, because if your coming near me with that rusty old thing, i want a tetanus.


----------



## I already Node (Mar 31, 2011)

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." 
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


----------



## freshout (Mar 31, 2011)

Hehehe 

So Johnny accidentally walked in on his parents having very bizarre sex. The dad was a school teacher and could not afford to have anybody find out, so he asked Johhny "What will it take for you to never tell anyone about this?"

Johhny thinks for a second then points to his dads Rolex on the nightstand.

The next day at school Johnny's friend Billy asked how he got the Rolex and Johnny explained.

The next time Billy heard his parents screwing, he 'accidentally' walked in. His dad happened to be the principle and he could not afford his son to tell anybody. "What will it take for you to never tell a soul?" He asked.

"I wanna watch" said Billy.

"Fine then" said his dad, "go over there in the corner and don't make a fucking peep.


----------



## WeeGogs (Mar 31, 2011)

i went to afghanistan and i asked one of the locals what is the best thing to do if i stand on a landmine, throw yourself 40 feet in the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.


----------



## I already Node (Mar 31, 2011)

freshout said:


> Hehehe
> 
> So Johnny accidentally walked in on his parents having very bizarre sex. The dad was a school teacher and could not afford to have anybody find out, so he asked Johhny "What will it take for you to never tell anyone about this?"
> 
> ...


Better watch out 'Fresh'! - Weegogs is very sensitive and has taken it upon himself to police everyone on this forum... next thing you know, you'll pull some emotions from his past and he'll start calling you names!


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 2, 2011)

an indian chief goes to the camp medicine man with a problem, Big Chief No Fart, ok say medicine man here is 1 tin of beans, eat these and come back tomorrow, he returns next day, Big Chief 
no Fart, ok say medicine man 3 tins of beans, come and see me tomorrow, he returns again annoyed, Big Chief No Fart, ok medicine man has spoken, eat 6 tins of beans and come back tomorrow, he returns very angry, Big Chief No Fart , ok say medicine man our gods have spoken, eat 15 tins of beans and come back tomorrow, the chiefs wife returns to the medicine man with her arms up in the air, Big Fart No Chief.


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 3, 2011)

i caught my 15 year old daughter snorting cocaine yesterday, i warned her, if i caught her doing it again, i would rub her fucking nose in it.


----------



## groovedaddy (Apr 6, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> dont make fun of paedophilia on this site we dont find it funny and it is now one of the worst forms of depraved social diseases this side of the 21st century, my god you are one sick muther fucker.
> a lot of us on here have young kids and some of us would capture and torchure a paedophile to death if they harmed one of ours, and i would make it the worst form of pain you could ever imagine, i would strip off his/her skin with a razor slowly day by day, week by week, month by month,treating and letting the wounds heal over just to keep the bastard alive and i would force feed his own skin and flesh to him/her to keep them alive for years, i would use a blowtorch to keep their head hair short too.
> go on live leak and check out mexican cartel murders, they torture these fuckers just for drug money and murdering one of their gang members and then film it so the whole process can be watched by you, and every time a body turns up it is always in lots of pieces check out the pictures too, and the result is always the same if you want to stay alive keep your big mouth shut.


 Coming from the guy with an avatar of an infant with a joint in his mouth!


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 6, 2011)

groovedaddy said:


> Coming from the guy with an avatar of an infant with a joint in his mouth!


does the infant look as though he is being raped by a fucking sex beast, thats all it is, yes, a photo. made up with photoshop, no children were hurt in the making of this avatar you fucking cock sucker.


----------



## burrr (Apr 6, 2011)

What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth, and her pussy?





Only one retarded thing came out of her pussy.


----------



## smokebros (Apr 6, 2011)

What is brown and sticky??
















a stick


----------



## VER D (Apr 7, 2011)

what is brown and rhymes with snoop?





Dr. Dre


----------



## grokillaz (Apr 7, 2011)

What's green and smells like pork butt?


Kermit the frogs finger


----------



## boneheadbob (Apr 7, 2011)

If you are an American when you go in the bathroom and you are an American when you come out, what are you while in the bathroom?

Youre a peein


----------



## grokillaz (Apr 7, 2011)

why did the lady get fired from her job at the M&M factory?

For throwing away the W's


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 7, 2011)

paddy and mick are on a building site working high up on a scaffolding, mick says god i need a piss, so paddy says ok mick lets push this plank half way out on the edge and i will stand on this end, and you can walk out and stand on the other end and pee off the plank, that way the pee wont land on any of the men below on the scaffold, ok said mick, so he tip toes out to the end of the plank and does a piss, he then gets back off and paddy said you stand on this end mick while i piss off it, ok, as paddy is peeing off the end the dinner time horn blows, so mick jumps off the plank forgetting paddy is on the other end, and paddy falls 18 floors to his death.

two lovely young ladies are having lunch in an office and one says to the other i hate walking past that building site along the road, every time i walk past there is lots of wolf whistling and shouting, thats nothing said the other, i walked past yesterday and one of the men jumped high off the scaffolding with his dick in his hand screaming at the top of his voice and staring right at me.


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 7, 2011)

I already Node said:


> A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
> He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
> While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
> To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


Love it!!!


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 7, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> does the infant look as though he is being raped by a fucking sex beast, thats all it is, yes, a photo. made up with photoshop, no children were hurt in the making of this avatar you fucking cock sucker.


And nobody was hurt in the telling of that other joke you labelled as phedo shit. Watching Mexican gang murders and then thinking you could do that...what a wannabee!!

You are Scottish aren't you....figures!!


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 7, 2011)

newworldicon said:


> And nobody was hurt in the telling of that other joke you labelled as phedo shit. Watching Mexican gang murders and then thinking you could do that...what a wannabee!!
> 
> You are Scottish aren't you....figures!!


well keep your kiddy rapist fucking jokes to yourself then you fucking beast fuck.


----------



## Dominathan (Apr 7, 2011)

Please nobody get offended, but racist jokes are the most funny.

What's the difference between a black person and a bag of shit?
The bag.

Why does Mexico suck at the Olympics?
Because any that can run, jump, or swim are in America.

What do you call 5 white men on a bench?
The NBA.

How do you know a asian guy robbed you?
You're homework is done, you're computer is updated and someone can't get out of your driveway...

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, you already told her twice.

Why don't women need a drivers license?
There's no road from the kitchen to the laundry room.

What's the difference between a jew and a pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you shove it in the oven.


----------



## legalizeitcanada (Apr 7, 2011)

ieee carumba.......another great thread ruined by bickering.....more jokes...... less fighting....eh!


----------



## legalizeitcanada (Apr 7, 2011)

what's invisible laying in a ditch......a back guy (cleaned it up as best I could) with the shit kicked outa him........


Dominathan said:


> Please nobody get offended, but racist jokes are the most funny.
> 
> What's the difference between a black person and a bag of shit?
> The bag.
> ...


----------



## MrDank007 (Apr 7, 2011)

Why do you duct tape a dead baby?
So it doesn't explode when you fuck it!


----------



## legalizeitcanada (Apr 7, 2011)

lol...your just askin for it......lol



MrDank007 said:


> Why do you duct tape a dead baby?
> So it doesn't explode when you fuck it!


----------



## MrDank007 (Apr 7, 2011)

I know...my heart said no, yet my fingers kept typing


----------



## mellokitty (Apr 7, 2011)

ok.
there's a monkey in a tree, hitting his bong. a chameleon scuttles by, sniffs, and calls up, "hey monkey, d'ya know what that smell is?"
monkey invites him up the tree, they share a toke, the chameleon gets REALLY, REALLY high, as first-timers do.

and then the pasties set in. bad.

so he asks the monkey where the nearest place he can get a drink is. the monkey tells him there's stream 'over there'. chameleon climbs down the tree, finds the stream, starts drinking.

and drinking. an alligator comes by.
still drinking. looks at him quizzically.
still drinking. "thirsty eh? what's up?"
the chameleon tells him, "you follow this path, you'll see a tree. in the tree, there's a monkey. talk to the monkey." and keeps drinking.

alligator wanders down the path. sees the tree. and the monkey. 

he calls up to the monkey: "HEY MONKEY!!"
the monkey looks down and says, "doooood, how much water did you DRINK??"


----------



## GottaHaveIt (Apr 8, 2011)

What's red and climbs a woman's leg
A homesick abortion

How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None, they'll sit in the dark and bitch!


----------



## GottaHaveIt (Apr 8, 2011)

what's green and sits on my porch?
my N_____, and I'll paint it any color I want


----------



## legalizeitcanada (Apr 8, 2011)

what do ya call 15 n_____ hanging from a tree?
.....a Mississippi wind chime


----------



## legalizeitcanada (Apr 8, 2011)

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip.?
On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.
"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"
The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.
"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.
"Is there time?" asks the priest



Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says "I've never come this way before" 

The second one replies "Must be the cobbles"


The head priest at a certain church was out for the day, so he asked the deacon to do confession for him. The deacon agrees, and the first person that comes says, "Forgive me, for I just gave a guy a blow job."

He says, "You have sinned." Then he looks at the sheet on the wall that had punishments for certain sins on it, but blow job was not on there, so he went out to ask one of the altar boys what he usually gives for a blow job.

The altar boy answered, "Oh, about five dollars."




A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"



A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading. 

After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man," answers the priest. 

"I'll be damned," the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?" 

"Oh, I don't have it, Father. It says here that the Pope does."



One day out on the farm the owner of the farm goes to his 13 year old son and says, "Son, take this last duck to town and sell it so we can buy our cow some food."

The son agrees to, and as he is walking down the road he passes by a woman. The woman says to the boy, "Son I will fuck you for that duck."

Not thinking, the boy agrees, and they go off in the woods and fuck. When they got done the woman says to the boy, "WOW that was good, I'll give that duck back if you do it again."

So the boy agrees, and they do it again. Well when they get done the boy gets his duck, puts it back on the leash, and starts leading it down the road. When he gets about half way to town a truck comes through and runs over the boy's duck. The truck driver stops, jumps out, and says to the boy, "Son I'm sorry about your duck. Here's 20 dollars."

So the boy takes the money and goes back home. When he gets there he finds his dad, and his dad asks him how he did. The boy says, "Well dad, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and 20 bucks for a fucked up duck!"


----------



## I already Node (Apr 8, 2011)

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. 

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"


----------



## legalizeitcanada (Apr 8, 2011)

read this if your a swallower



fallinghigh said:


> smile if you are a fag


----------



## fallinghigh (Apr 8, 2011)

he must have smiled


legalizeitcanada said:


> read this if your a swallower


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 8, 2011)

What do nine out of ten people enjoy?.....................gang rape!

Why did Hitler really commit suicide?......he finally got his gas bill!!


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 8, 2011)

MrDank007 said:


> Why do you duct tape a dead baby?
> So it doesn't explode when you fuck it!


well if its dead, you can fuck it as long as you want, 
HAVE FUN.


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 8, 2011)

the teacher asks the class : who was first to cross the atlantic, 
wee jimmy shouts : it was sammy davis junior miss, no it was not jimmy she shouted, she asks again, : who was first to cross the atlantic,: it was sammy davis junior i told you miss, shut up jimmy, she screamed, it was allcock and brown, thats right miss said jimmy, sammy davis junior.


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 8, 2011)

what have a male chicken and a prostitute got in common,
one shouts " cockadoodledoo "
and the other shouts " anycockledoo "


----------



## rosecitypapa (Apr 8, 2011)

(Holding up my index and middle finger)
Q: Why do women cum on these two fingers all the time?


A: Because they are mine.



This one was told to me by a beautiful woman in a fancy restaurant. She says "what does a woman say to her lover after she gives him a blowjob?" 
"I dunno"
"I wuv yu" (she had turned away and taken a mouthful of water as she said this water was pouring out of her mouth onto her lap)


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 8, 2011)

A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin asking, "How did the human race start?". Sarah Palin answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and all mankind was made." 

The next day the little girl wrote to michelle obama and asked the same question. Michelle obama answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys in africa from which the human race evolved." 

The confused girl went to her father and asked, "How come Sarah Palin told me that mankind was created by God, and michelle obama told me mankind evolved from monkeys?" 

Her father answeres, "Well, it's very simple . . . Sarah Palin told you about her ancestors, and michelle obama told you about hers!"


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 8, 2011)

the teacher looks around the class and spots little mary nodding off and she shouts, " Mary, who is the father in heaven who made the earth " marys friend little johnny

sitting behind her notices mary half asleep and prods her in the back with his pencil to wake her up, " God Almighty " shouted mary, that is correct said the teacher, 

later she noticed mary asleep again, she shouts, " Mary, who is the son of god almighty " johnny prods her again, " Jesus Christ " shouted mary, that is correct, the 

teacher sees her asleep later and shouts, " Mary, what did eve say to adam after their 11th child, and little johnny prods her hard again, Mary 

Screams " if you stick that fucking thing in me one more time, i am going to snap it in half, and stick it right up your arse "


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 8, 2011)

Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do.


----------



## GottaHaveIt (Apr 8, 2011)

Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day.

Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 8, 2011)

GottaHaveIt said:


> Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day.
> 
> Set a man on fire and he's warm for the rest of his life.


it takes one tree to make 10,000 matches
and one match to burn 10,000 trees.


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 8, 2011)

Cinderella wants to go to the ball to see the prince, but she has nothing to wear,

so the fairy god mother magically makes her up some nice clothes from some old bed clothes,

cinderella says "but fairy god mother", "i haven`t got a tampon to wear", so she magically makes a tampon from a pumpkin,

the god mother says "ok cinderella you must be home by 12 o`clock or your vagina will turn in to a pumpkin",

"ok" said cinderella, at the ball the prince asks, "whats your name", she said " i am cinderella and i have to be home by 12 o clock" whats your name she asks,

"i am prince peter, the pumpkin eater what time do you have to be home by" she says " oh, not until about 5 or 6 in the morning"


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 8, 2011)

teacher asks : well Billy there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot 2 how many are left,
Billy : none miss, the others have flown away.
Teacher : sorry Billy your wrong, the answer is 3 but i like the way you think.

Billy Asks : well miss there are three lovely ladies eating ice cream, which one is married,
the one biting, the one licking, or the one sucking. 
nervously the teacher answers, the one sucking,
Billy : no miss, the one with the wedding ring on, but i like the way you think.


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 9, 2011)

fallinghigh said:


> smile if you are a fag


smile if you are a transvestite cock sucker


----------



## pilgram (Apr 9, 2011)

Did you here about the woman stabbed and 
dumped in a tub of milk?
They think it might be a cereal killer.


----------



## legalizeitcanada (Apr 9, 2011)

naw but I heard about the guy found dead with rice krispies shoved up his ass....lol


pilgram said:


> Did you here about the woman stabbed and
> dumped in a tub of milk?
> They think it might be a cereal killer.


----------



## NLNo5 (Apr 10, 2011)

MrDank007 said:


> Why do you duct tape a dead baby?
> So it doesn't explode when you fuck it!


Smoke that shit WeeGogs. After all it's just a joke forum. If you want to get serious go hang out in the spirituality forum...


----------



## NLNo5 (Apr 10, 2011)

GottaHaveIt said:


> what's green and sits on my porch?
> my N_____, and I'll paint it any color I want


Holy shit, that was sooo fucking funny. SFF.


----------



## NLNo5 (Apr 10, 2011)

newworldicon said:


> Why did God make woman last?
> He didn't want someone telling him what to do.


Super fucking funny.


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 10, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> well keep your kiddy rapist fucking jokes to yourself then you fucking beast fuck.


Totally missed this.....lol is that all you come back with...eh lassie!!...ya ken!


----------



## NLNo5 (Apr 10, 2011)

Q. How do you get out of the inside of an elephant?


----------



## NLNo5 (Apr 10, 2011)

A. Run around until you get all pooped-out.


----------



## legalizeitcanada (Apr 10, 2011)

how do you make a Kleenex dance?


Put a little boogie in it!



NLNo5 said:


> A. Run around until you get all pooped-out.


----------



## fallinghigh (Apr 10, 2011)

i bet you mom and grandma are the same person


newworldicon said:


> A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin asking, "How did the human race start?". Sarah Palin answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and all mankind was made."
> 
> The next day the little girl wrote to michelle obama and asked the same question. Michelle obama answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys in africa from which the human race evolved."
> 
> ...


----------



## fallinghigh (Apr 10, 2011)

I bet your mom and grandma are the same person


newworldicon said:


> A little girl wrote to Sarah Palin asking, "How did the human race start?". Sarah Palin answered, "God made Adam and Eve, they had children and all mankind was made."
> 
> The next day the little girl wrote to michelle obama and asked the same question. Michelle obama answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys in africa from which the human race evolved."
> 
> ...


----------



## fallinghigh (Apr 10, 2011)

because you are a stupid mother fker


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 11, 2011)

fallinghigh said:


> because you are a stupid mother fker


LOL. it's a joke forum remember, keep your knickers on.


----------



## MrDank007 (Apr 11, 2011)

God was making man and woman and had labored for some time and took a break as he was almost finished.
Upon taking a break, the archangle Gabriel noticed something.

"God, your work is magnificent, but it seems you have forgotten something"

"What's that?"

"Well, I see the sex parts on the table and you have not put them on the man or the woman yet"

"Eh, you do it."

He looked at them for a while and confused he said to God "Lord, I do not know what part to give who"

The lord replied "Eh, give the pussy to the crazy one"


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 11, 2011)

newworldicon said:


> Totally missed this.....lol is that all you come back with...eh lassie!!...ya ken!


 
hahahahahah
you common as muck stupid fucking yankee bastard,
how yas getting on in the war with iraq, are they still suicide bombing against you lot, and is that before or after you bomb your own fucking men, you will be there fighting that war until 2111, you have no fucking chance against a fucking, under intelligent, under armed, and under fed civillian army, and your black president that rules a supreme white united states nation might be pulling out before he pulls his fucking hair out, i can see your wonderfull fucking usa in a few years with an iraqi at the helm running it, after all it was a war against the black african race that you had first, and now you have lost it full stop, i can see mohammed or abdul at the helm soon, and they will make your bloody eyes water, but then they are working very hard to organise a bomb made with plutonium to use against Washington D fucking C. and that my friend is in the very near future.


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 11, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> hahahahahah
> you common as muck stupid fucking yankee bastard,
> how yas getting on in the war with iraq, are they still suicide bombing against you lot, and is that before or after you bomb your own fucking men, you will be there fighting that war until 2111, you have no fucking chance against a fucking, under intelligent, under armed, and under fed civillian army, and your black president that rules a supreme white united states nation might be pulling out before he pulls his fucking hair out, i can see your wonderfull fucking usa in a few years with an iraqi at the helm running it, after all it was a war against the black african race that you had first, and now you have lost it full stop, i can see mohammed or abdul at the helm soon, and they will make your bloody eyes water, but then they are working very hard to organise a bomb made with plutonium to use against Washington D fucking C. and that my friend is in the very near future.


Um....I'm not American so who is the inbred ginger scots cunt now you moron!! 

PS. Al Qeida, the Taliban and the "war on terror" is a product of the CIA and Mi6. Perhaps if you read a bit you would be more informed.

Again you are Scottish aren't you...figures!!


----------



## GottaHaveIt (Apr 11, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> hahahahahah
> you common as muck stupid fucking yankee bastard,
> how yas getting on in the war with iraq, are they still suicide bombing against you lot, and is that before or after you bomb your own fucking men, you will be there fighting that war until 2111, you have no fucking chance against a fucking, under intelligent, under armed, and under fed civillian army, and your black president that rules a supreme white united states nation might be pulling out before he pulls his fucking hair out, i can see your wonderfull fucking usa in a few years with an iraqi at the helm running it, after all it was a war against the black african race that you had first, and now you have lost it full stop, i can see mohammed or abdul at the helm soon, and they will make your bloody eyes water, but then they are working very hard to organise a bomb made with plutonium to use against Washington D fucking C. and that my friend is in the very near future.


someone missed med call...


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 11, 2011)

GottaHaveIt said:


> someone missed med call...


I see he censored you then......how silly man!


----------



## lozac123 (Apr 11, 2011)

weegogs,calm down..youre working yourself into a state.

not sure if u realised, but you said mohammad would be at the helm of the usa soon, and yet theyd bomb the usa? why would they do that? just have a joint man, and calm down. 

its a thread about jokes,lets make it fun not argue!


----------



## watchmefly420 (Apr 11, 2011)

weegogs just unsubscribe to this thread cause this is a joke thread and you keep bringing hate and negativity, and we dont need that.


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 11, 2011)

watchmefly420 said:


> weegogs just unsubscribe to this thread cause this is a joke thread and you keep bringing hate and negativity, and we dont need that.


If you took the time to read the whole thread you would notice that he was the initial orchestrator of the crap. Now post a joke!


----------



## legalizeitcanada (Apr 12, 2011)

he man was that you gettin abducted in your avatar......what was it like???


newworldicon said:


> If you took the time to read the whole thread you would notice that he was the initial orchestrator of the crap. Now post a joke!


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 12, 2011)

legalizeitcanada said:


> he man was that you gettin abducted in your avatar......what was it like???


It's a picture of a A-117 demonstrating a zero point propulsion system.


----------



## GottaHaveIt (Apr 12, 2011)

A major research institution has 
recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. 

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. 
However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. 

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange 
places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred 
to as "Critical Morass". You will know it when you see it.


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## WeeGogs (Apr 12, 2011)

GottaHaveIt said:


> A major research institution has
> recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named "Governmentium". Governmentium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
> 
> These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
> ...


yes : well...........
this is a joke thread, not a welcoming party that is beckoning an I Q test.


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## GottaHaveIt (Apr 12, 2011)

oh come on... that was funny. A little dry perhaps, but still funny.


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## APR (Apr 12, 2011)

why did the chicken crossed the road?...
nock nock? "WHOS THERE" chicken? "CHICKEN WHO" ....


put both jokes together if your high you will get it.


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## GottaHaveIt (Apr 12, 2011)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" 

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." 

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" 

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."


----------



## GottaHaveIt (Apr 12, 2011)

Q. Why do they call it PMS?
A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.


----------



## cruzer101 (Apr 12, 2011)

'Oh Kenny, do you remember, the last time we were up here. It was 25 years ago and we made love for the very first time.' 'I remember sweetheart, we made love next to that fence over there. What do you think about doing it again.' 

She agreed and they got close to the fence so no one would see them and started making love. Soon she went completely wild, moving about like she was a possessed woman. 

"Wow, Sweetheart, you didn't do that last time." 

"I know" she stammered, "the fence wasn't electrified back then."


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## legalizeitcanada (Apr 13, 2011)

No shit......I was just playin around, didn't think is was actually real......crazy!! Thats really cool man!



newworldicon said:


> It's a picture of a A-117 demonstrating a zero point propulsion system.


----------



## WeeGogs (Apr 13, 2011)

newworldicon said:


> Um....I'm not American so who is the inbred ginger scots cunt now you moron!!
> 
> PS. Al Qeida, the Taliban and the "war on terror" is a product of the CIA and Mi6. Perhaps if you read a bit you would be more informed.
> 
> Again you are Scottish aren't you...figures!!


read again fuck up
this is a war against terror nothing more.
a retaliation for the twin towers that has escalated in to global warfare against terrorism, tyrants, and dictators.
read the front page fucking newspapers and use your fucking brain, the CIA and MI5 they are more in touch with what goes on in their own back yard, and with all the russians and other junk that have managed to claim political asylum, they have their own jobs to do as well as defend our home land against terrorist plots.
i think if you look at george bush`s face the moment he is told about the twin towers being attacked you will see he is absolutely mortified and the veins are sticking out from his neck, and HE throws every thing at the terrorists, he made the decision not the fucking cia and mi5 they must do as the president tells them idiot.
i dont listen to scare mongering, and conspiracy theories, there is only 1 George Bush, and he asked little old tony blair for handers and together they mustered an army and invaded the mother land of these terrorists fighting a battle that they say will never end.
why would you fight a battle on your own soil defending bomb attacks and let your civillians take the heat when you can take the battle to their soil and make their bloody eyes water. just bomb a few civilian homes, hospitals etc, oops say sorry and ask questions later.
its funny though, not many terrorist attempts or attacks since,
thanks to the cia and mi5 for keeping us safe in our own countries against plots, that is their job, and if barack obama sys the war is over, it is over my friend, nothing to do with your fucking mi5 or your cia.
and now it seems all the world leaders and tyrrants are being weeded out slowly but surely that my friend is what keeps you safe in your bed at night in your own town or city, and when you jump on a plane, or a train, or a bus. 
CONSPIRACY THEORIES HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH. 
so stop talking shit from your mouth.
WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ENGLISHMAN WITH AN I.Q. OF 50. : COLONEL SIR.


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 13, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> read again fuck up
> this is a war against terror nothing more.
> a retaliation for the twin towers that has escalated in to global warfare against terrorism, tyrants, and dictators.
> read the front page fucking newspapers and use your fucking brain, the CIA and MI5 they are more in touch with what goes on in their own back yard, and with all the russians and other junk that have managed to claim political asylum, they have their own jobs to do as well as defend our home land against terrorist plots.
> ...


Keep going, you only cement your ignorance. Reading the papers is good enough for you then so be it, 9/11 was an inside job, there is no such thing as a terrorist, it's made up to justify war. 

Mi6 not Mi5....the difference is a bit more than a digit. 

Keep scratching the surface then thinking you are down with it. There are so many things I could pick out to correct you but I just don't have the energy to explain.


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 13, 2011)

GottaHaveIt said:


> oh come on... that was funny. A little dry perhaps, but still funny.


I think it was totally over his head.......


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 13, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> yes : well...........
> this is a joke thread, not a welcoming party that is beckoning an I Q test.


A bit too intelligent for you??


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## GottaHaveIt (Apr 13, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> this is a war against terror nothing more.
> a retaliation for the twin towers that has escalated in to global warfare against terrorism, tyrants, and dictators.





WeeGogs said:


> read the front page fucking newspapers and use your fucking brain





WeeGogs said:


> thanks to the cia and mi5 for keeping us safe in our own countries against plots


Those are _by *far*_ the funniest jokes in this thread!


----------



## fallinghigh (Apr 13, 2011)

GottaHaveIt said:


> Those are _by *far*_ the funniest jokes in this thread!


i agree ,Small Brains taste like shaved pussy. sweet and sour


----------



## NLNo5 (Apr 14, 2011)

fallinghigh said:


> because you are a stupid mother fker


Dood, intense.

We need to have a thread for intense people to go vent.


----------



## NLNo5 (Apr 14, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> read again fuck up
> this is a war against terror nothing more.
> a retaliation for the twin towers that has escalated in to global warfare against terrorism, tyrants, and dictators.
> read the front page fucking newspapers and use your fucking brain, the CIA and MI5 they are more in touch with what goes on in their own back yard, and with all the russians and other junk that have managed to claim political asylum, they have their own jobs to do as well as defend our home land against terrorist plots.
> ...


"Wee-Gogs" ourselves a Troll. Dood go to politics man.


----------



## worm5376 (Apr 14, 2011)

I swear to god I thought I was in Politics ....lmfao.. WOW...I'm baked.


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## worm5376 (Apr 14, 2011)

Exactly!!!ROFLL


NLNo5 said:


> "Wee-Gogs" ourselves a Troll. Dood go to politics man.


----------



## bryon209 (Apr 14, 2011)

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"​ The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."​ Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"​ He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."​


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## bryon209 (Apr 14, 2011)

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."​ She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"​ A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ​


----------



## bryon209 (Apr 14, 2011)

One day an at home wife is alone and the doorbell rings.
She opens it to a guy, "Hi, is Tony home?"
The wife replies, "No, he went to the store, but you can wait here if you want."
So they sit down and after a while of silence the friend says "You know Sara, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck just to see one."
Sara thinks about it for a second and figures, what the hell - a hundred bucks! She opens her robe and shows one to him for a few seconds. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and guy then says "That was so amazing I've got to see both of them. I'll give you another 100 dollars if I could just see the both of them together."
Sara amazed by the offer sits and thinks a bit about it and thinks, heck, why not? So she opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long chance to cop a look.
A while later Tony arrives back home from the store. The wife goes up to him, "You know, your friend Chris came over."
Tony thinks about it for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"


----------



## W N L (Apr 14, 2011)

What type of bees make milk?


..
..

Boo Bees
(boobies)


----------



## newworldicon (Apr 14, 2011)

W N L said:


> What type of bees make milk?
> 
> 
> ..
> ...


sigh...just not the same without squeezing a pair of breasts whilst saying this joke...LOL.


----------



## smokermore (Apr 14, 2011)

(Ralph's voice from the simpsons) Last night.....I had a dream....I ate a giant marshmellow....And when I woke up....My pillow was gone....

(this is an old one) Jed is driving down the road and sees a sign that says "Peaches Ahead! All Flavors"! He thinks to himself "all flavors????" He continues to drive and sees a peach stand up ahead. He pulls in, walks to the counter, and says"Your sign says you have peaches of all flavors?" The guy behind the counter smiles and says " yes, the sign is right" Jed thinks about it for a few seconds and says " do you have peanut butter and jelly flavored peaches"? The man behind the counter smiles again and says " i have just what your looking for". Jed takes a bite. His eyes light up "peanutbutter"! the man behind the counter says " turn it over" He takes another bite, "jelly"! Amazed, he then asks " What about roast and green beans? thats what i really crave" The man behind the counter return with another peach. Again, Jed takes a bite with excitment " roast"! The man behind the counter urges him to turn it over and try the other side again " green beans"! Finally, Jed says " this may sound a bit weird, but do you have any pussy flavored peaches"? The man behind the counter smiles and returns yet again with another peach. Jed takes a bite and instantly spits it out. "This taste like shit"!!! Man behind the counter smiles and says " turn it over"


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## WeeGogs (Apr 15, 2011)

i was stoned out of my fucking head last night, i grabbed the wife in bed and proceeded to fuck the living daylights out of her, i looked down and said what the fuck is going on with your toes they keep curling up, she said you forgot to remove my tights, (pantyhose).


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## WeeGogs (Apr 17, 2011)

George michael Went in to a public toilet in Los Angeles to spend a penny and came out with 2 coppers.


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## Encomium (Apr 17, 2011)

This one's kinda corny:

What's the 2 sexiest animals on a farm?

Brown chicken, brown cow. (Said like bow-chicka bow wow).


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## legalizeitcanada (Apr 18, 2011)

why do cows wear bells......
cause their horns don't work!


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## cocobitzz (Apr 19, 2011)

There was a tourist, an American, visiting Ireland. He was on the bus driving through the countryside, and saw a long picket fence. At the end of the fence there was a small town with a dark dingy pub. Our tourist enters the pub, sits at the bar, and waits patiently for the barkeep to notice his presence. Eventually he wanders over and yells in our tourists face,

"OI! What are ya drinkin!?", and he responds calmly ordering a pint. The barkeep goes and draws the man a pint, and goes back to his working. A minute or so later, the old man comes back and says, "OI! Ya see that fence out there!?"

"Umm.. Yes, it's a very nice fence!" says our friend to the man.

"YEEEEEEAH, I built that fence. Took me months, months of work I tell ya! Ripped all the planks meself! Now, do they call me John the fence builder?"

"Uh... I don't know sir, do they call you John the fence builder?"

"FUCK NO! They don't call me John the fence builder," and he walks away. Soon the mans pint runs low, and he asks for another one. The man comes back with another pint, and our tourist drinks it while admiring the pub.

"OOOOI!", says the barkeep again. "Ya like this bar!?"

"Oh yes Sir, it's a fine bar indeed."

"YEEEEAH I built this bar meself, did all the carvings by hand! Took me months, months of work! Now, I ask ye, do they call me John the bar builder?"

Once again, not knowing the mans life story, our friend was clueless, "Umm. I don't know sir, do they call you John the Ba-"

"FUCK NO! They don't call me John the bar builder!", and he walks away again. Soon enough the pint was empty again, and his curiosity could wait one more round so he orders up another. The barkeep comes back with another perfect pint, and says as he sets it down.

"OI!? Ya see that pint?"

"Oh yeah, it's a great pour!" he says almost mockingly.

"YEEEEEEAH, I poured thousands of em, tens of thousands! Each one better than the last. Now, do they call me John the Pint Puller?!"

"Sir, I have no idea, do they call you John the Pint P---"

"FUCK NO! They don't call me John the pint puller, but you fuck ONE GOAT!!!"


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## smokey green (Apr 19, 2011)

stoner1: knock knock
stoner2: whos their
stoner1: huh...who....ohh Ill get it...


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## amore (Apr 20, 2011)

a tourist comes over to australia and wants to buy a few things..
he goes to the bakery and asks for a bum, they say you mean bun? he smiles and buys it.
he goes to the hardware store and asks for a fucket, they say you mean bucket? he smiles and buys it.
he goes to the vet and asks for a cockan spanket, they say you mean cocker spaniel? he smiles and buys it. 
he takes his dog for a walk and it runs off and just keeps running. 
he jumps into his car, racing along the street to catch up to it, when he gets pulled over by the police.
the officer says "are you aware you where doing 100 in a.." before getting interrupted by the man..
"QUICK, HOLD MY BUM AND FUCKET WHILE I FIND MY COCKAN SPANKET."


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## WeeGogs (Apr 20, 2011)

Hi there, i work for the bomb squad, if you see me running, try to keep up.


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## jeeba (Apr 21, 2011)

If ur driving around getting high just play like the cops are behind u and watch ur friends freak out!


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## HIDDEN42O (Apr 22, 2011)

*Confucius Say 
Men screw with dicks; women screw with minds. *


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## Justin00 (Apr 28, 2011)

So... i was doing this chick doggie style last night and after a few minutes i pull it out and stick right into her ass.

She looks around at me and says, "Thats awfully presumptuous of you!"

With a puzzled look on my face i say, "Presumptuous!?!, thats a mighty big word for an 8 year old."

Thats just for you WeeGogs =)


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## WeeGogs (Apr 28, 2011)

Justin00 said:


> So... i was doing this chick doggie style last night and after a few minutes i pull it out and stick right into her ass.
> 
> She looks around at me and says, "Thats awfully presumptuous of you!"
> 
> ...


bet you were having fun big boy.


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## PappaBear (Apr 28, 2011)

I have a few.. 

This one got me a manager position at freebirds. " Whats good about having sex with 24yr olds?... There are 20 of them!"
^(I was suppised they game me the job. I was foced to resign for my smoke out sundays.) In my defence my employees loved me for it.

"You heard why Michal Jackson died? Too many 10 year old wieners!"

Gay1: Doctor, I am tired of being balled.
Doctor: Well rub this vaseline on your head twice a day for your hair to grow.
......... A few days later Gay1's partner comes home from a business trip.
Gay2: What are you doing baby?
Gay1: The doc told me rub this on my head to regrow hair!
Gay2: Baby, if that were true you would have a ponytail growing out your ass by now.


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## GaiaGuy (Apr 30, 2011)

One of the better acts I've seen, and I'm not big into stand-up. I could watch it over and over.

[video=youtube;in9SiDtJLaU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in9SiDtJLaU[/video]


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## WeeGogs (May 1, 2011)

PappaBear said:


> I have a few..
> 
> This one got me a manager position at freebirds. " Whats good about having sex with 24yr olds?... There are 20 of them!"
> ^(I was suppised they game me the job. I was foced to resign for my smoke out sundays.) In my defence my employees loved me for it.
> ...


does pappa bear like playing with little kiddies,
you sound like you have been forced to suck cock pappa bear by someone at some time, 
what a shame big boy, did they bully you at school pappa bear.


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## ChubbySoap (May 1, 2011)

that wasn't a very funny joke....

O__o


this one is very adaptable...depends how well one spins the yarn...
How to catch a polar bear...
Cut a 6 foot diameter hole in the ice in an area frequented by polar bears....lakes are a good spot
Open and sprinkle one to two cans of sweet peas round the edge of the hole.
Wait patiently.
When the polar bear comes to take a pea, run up and kick it in the ice hole.

hmmm....doesn't do so well in text form...ah well, to late now....


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## ChubbySoap (May 1, 2011)

i try again...meh...

An alcoholic, a sex addict and a pothead, all die and go to Hell. 
Satan is eagerly waiting for them and tells all of them with a twinkle in his eye, "I am in a good mood today, so I am going to let each one of you pick one thing you love from earth and let you keep it here for 1,000 years, and then I will return for the goods."

Satan first approaches the most suspicious of the lot...the alcoholic, "What is it that you would like to have?", to which the alcoholic responds, "I want the finest brew, wine and liquor you can get me". Satan brings him to a room filled with every type of beer on tap, the finest aged cellars of wine and of course the purest grain alcohol, each type of liquor you could possibly think of or never afford to even taste; a never ending supply of it all. The man yells, "WHOOAH!!" in excitement, and runs into the room. Satan laughs, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan then approaches the sex addict and asks "What is it that you would like to have?", to which the astonished sex addict responds "WOMEN! I want lots of beautiful women, one for each day of the year!". Satan brings him to a room filled with only the most gorgeous women imaginable. Some with huge breasts, some with small breasts, some with big asses and some with small asses, some tall with never ending legs and some short. Hundreds of them. All of the women are hot, naked and very horny. The sex addict immediately gets a raging hard on and runs into the room. Satan chortles, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan finally approaches the pothead and asks "What is it that you would like to have?", to which the pothead quickly responds, "Well, that's easy! I want the best pot you got, man! That would be awesome.". Satan brings him to a room which is filled with the tallest, thickest, stinkiest, most dank plants growing on for acres. The sweet smell from the purest plants fills this enormous room, just begging to be harvested. The quality of the bud would put the Cannabis Cup winners to shame, in all categories. It was beyond belief. The pot head was so awed and humbled by the sight of these beautiful plants, that he slowly walked into the room, he sat down Indian style, took several slow deep breathes, closed his eyes and proceeded to meditate on this miraculous sight. Satan, slightly taken aback, looks at him curiously, shuts the door and locks it.


**ONE THOUSAND YEARS PASS**


Satan returns to the room containing the alcoholic, unlocks and opens the door. There is broken wine and liquor glass bottles shattered everywhere. A wave of stench boils from the door, a sickly brew of rotting animal flesh and piss. The alcoholic comes running at the door, naked covered in his own vomit and shit, screaming "HELP!, I don't want anymore. Let me out of here!". Satan laughs, bodily shoves the poor soul back into the room, shuts the door, and locks it tight. Satan lets out a peal of laughter.

Satan then makes his way to the room containing the sex addict, unlocks and opens the door. Thousands of children running run to and fro around the room. The wail of babies crying madly making so much noise no one could hear their own scream. Hundreds of very very old ladies now limp around with no clothes on, still very horny for the sex addict who upon seeing the open door attempts to run out the door as Satan watches. Before the sex addict can utter a word of desperation, or makes it three paces, Satan laughs wildly, shuts the door and locks it.

Satan rubs his hands with glee and continues on to the final room containing the pothead. He carefully unlocks and opens the door. After a quick look inside, Satan's evil grin turns to a look of confusion. Nothing had changed. The plants were untouched; just as dank as the day he left them. Even the pothead was in the same position, sitting down with his legs crossed. So Satan walks up behind the pothead, taps him on his shoulder and says, "What's wrong?". The pothead looks up, a single tear rolling down his cheek.

"Got a light, man?"


----------



## newworldicon (May 1, 2011)

WeeGogs said:


> does pappa bear like playing with little kiddies,
> you sound like you have been forced to suck cock pappa bear by someone at some time,
> what a shame big boy, did they bully you at school pappa bear.


Again for the stupid amongst us, this is a joke thread and seen as you are the only one up in arms it seems you might have had to suck uncles cock a couple of times.

Bring back bad memories?

Stop being a council ned!


----------



## ChubbySoap (May 1, 2011)

One day a stoner decides to try his hand at ice fishing, so he gathers his supplies and heads for the nearest ice.
He wanders out to about 20 feet out, smiles happily, and begins to dig out a hole in the ice.
Suddenly a loud voice booms out "You won't catch any fish there!!"
Startled, the stoner looks around, but no one can be seen.
Somewhat hesitantly, he gathers up is gear, and nervously moves out an extra 20 feet and begins to dig again.
The voice booms out again though, "THERE ARE NO FISH THERE EITHER!"
This is too much for the poor stoner....he shouts out, "God!? Is that you!?"
The reply is quick and tart...
"NO YOU DIPSHIT! I OWN THIS ICE RINK!!"


----------



## watchmefly420 (May 1, 2011)

ChubbySoap said:


> "Got a light, man?"


 This made me want to cry not laugh.


----------



## WeeGogs (May 2, 2011)

newworldicon said:


> Again for the stupid amongst us, this is a joke thread and seen as you are the only one up in arms it seems you might have had to suck uncles cock a couple of times.
> 
> Bring back bad memories?
> 
> Stop being a council ned!


suck it fat boy.


----------



## WeeGogs (May 2, 2011)

This guy was on the side of the road, hitch hiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. 
The night was black and no cars went by.
The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him.
It stopped. 
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel.
The car started moving slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve.
The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock, he goes to a cafe and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went thru.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, there's the jerk that got in the car when we were pushing it!!!


----------



## WeeGogs (May 2, 2011)

PappaBear said:


> I have a few..
> 
> This one got me a manager position at freebirds. " Whats good about having sex with 24yr olds?... There are 20 of them!"
> ^(I was suppised they game me the job. I was foced to resign for my smoke out sundays.) In my defence my employees loved me for it.
> ...


 
FREEBIRDS EMPLOYEES LOVE TALKING AND JOKING ABOUT ABUSING CHILDREN

we now know what gets your imagination going pappabear


----------



## vapevixen (May 14, 2011)

A lizard's trucking through the woods and he sees a monkey in a tree. "Yo Monkey" he says, "whatchoo doing?" The monkey replies "I'm just smokin' this joint man wanna join me" So the lizard climbs the tree and they smoke the joint together. Pretty soon the lizard says his mouth is dry and he's going to the river to get a drink of water. The monkey says "cool man" and stays in the tree. An alligator is trucking through the woods and sees the monkey in the tree and says "You monkey, whatchoo doing" The monkey looks at the alligator and says "duuude!.....how much water did you drink?"


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## tardis (May 26, 2011)

No offense, but I really wish there were a dislike choice available!

I should probly add a joke as well, since there have been many so far i've enjoyed. 

How many Mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, the only problem is fitting both mice inside the same lightbulb.


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## BendBrewer (May 26, 2011)

"Autistic Kids Rock."



"A dyslexic walks into a bra."


----------



## stephaniesloan (May 26, 2011)

newworldicon said:


> Again for the stupid amongst us, this is a joke thread and seen as you are the only one up in arms it seems you might have had to suck uncles cock a couple of times.
> 
> Bring back bad memories?
> 
> Stop being a council ned!


aaaaaaawww,
did daddy fuck you hard when mommy was at work.


----------



## newworldicon (May 26, 2011)

stephaniesloan said:


> aaaaaaawww,
> did daddy fuck you hard when mommy was at work.


How do you arrive at that deduction...I'll pass it off as a stoner moment where you got confused miss tye dye t-shirt shall I?


----------



## ShadyStoner (May 27, 2011)

Not really a joke but it's funny as hell

In the middle of a conversation say the most random thing you can - my favorite is hairy horse cock

people get so fucked up when they hear that they get thrown off

my best time doing it was in a police interrogation


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## ShadyStoner (May 30, 2011)

Why is there cotton in Tylenol bottles?

To remind black people they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers. ha


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## ShadyStoner (May 31, 2011)

Little Jonny is an eight year old biy who lives with his mom dad and granda...
Little Jonny here's noises coming from his parents rooms late at night so he goes to see what it is. When he opens the door he sees his mom bent over the dresser and his dad pounding the shit out of her. He asks what he is doing and Dad laughs and says go back to bed. 
The next his Dad here strange noise coming from grandmas room, he goes to see if everything is okay. When he opens the door little JOnny has her bent over and hes going at her. He looks up at his dad and says NOT SO FUNNY WHEN ITS YOUR MOM IS IT?


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## ...... (May 31, 2011)

I usually use this one as an ice breaker at the Yacht club.



Whats black and blue and red all over?

The 10 year old in my trunk.......


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## wangyunan (May 31, 2011)

OK I got an old one,
A and B are lost in the wild and could not find anything to eat for couple of days, desperately they decided to cut and eat a small piece of their own flesh to keep em alive. hands and legs are too precious to cut if they wanna make a way out of there, after a discussion they had an agreement that they're gonna cut off and eat their own dicks.
because off the hunger and to make it less painful, A grabbed the machete and chopped his cock off immediately. while A was wolfing down his dick, he saw B was jerking off and A suddenly regretted...

A cried: why didn't I think of enjoy a handjob for the last time!........
B: WTF are you talking about man!! u think I'm in the mood of doing this? I just wanna make my meal bigger!!


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## MixedMelodyMindBender (May 31, 2011)

I ran across this and thought I would share it

Ever heard of the phillip morris sponsored group called *MADD* ---Mothers Against Drunk Drivers ???/ WELLL THEY AINT SHIT

*D.A.M.M*--Drunks Against MADD Mothers


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## xCanadabisx (Jun 1, 2011)

Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

A: Pick him up, and give him a blow-job.


Peace Y'all


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## xCanadabisx (Jun 1, 2011)

Ever hear about the woman who had a seashell tattooed on her upper thigh?

You could put your ear up against it and smell the ocean.


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## boliver (Jun 6, 2011)

not so much a joke but when your mate is really high ask them to open their eyes as wide as they can. 

give them 5 seconds and they burst into a fit of laughter


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## Dr. Greenhorn (Jun 6, 2011)

xCanadabisx said:


> Ever hear about the woman who had a seashell tattooed on her upper thigh?
> 
> You could put your ear up against it and smell the ocean.


ahahaaaha! that was pretty funny


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## Farfenugen (Jun 7, 2011)

Why aren't gays allowed to open accounts at sperm banks?
Because as soon as they make a deposit they turn around and
make a withdrawl.


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## Farfenugen (Jun 7, 2011)

Mommy? Where do babies come from?

Well Jimmy, the white ones come from a stork.

Where do the black ones come from?

They come from crows, Jimmy.


I know, I know a tad racist, but I didn't make that one up, Arnold Schwartzenegger told that one in the 70's


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## tinyTURTLE (Jun 7, 2011)

heisenberg is driving down the highway when he gets pulled over. the cop walks up to the side of the car and says, "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"
heisenberg responds, "I have no idea, but i know EXACTLY where i was."


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## Dislexicmidget2021 (Jul 1, 2011)

Q-What do u call a lesbian from the middle east?

A-Saudi Alabian


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## GirlsLoveTacos (Jul 2, 2011)

How Come Helen Keller Couldnt Drive?

CUZ SHES A WOMAN!
xD 

I Know Waaayyyy To many Anti women Jokes To Be A Chick I Swear.... xD


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## JMain (Jul 2, 2011)

How do you piss off a pot head?

magnets.. (they take the pot, off his head)


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## Big Tasty Bud (Jul 3, 2011)

Two Peanuts walking down an alley one was assaulted GET IT


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## I already Node (Jul 19, 2011)

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?" 
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, Pal, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."


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## Farfenugen (Jul 23, 2011)

how to tell if a blind person has just had sex
the bruses on her face


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## woodsmantoker (Jul 23, 2011)

*The Phone Rings at an Alaska Police Station:*

Dispatcher: Hello, Police Dept.

Bob: Howdy this is Bob calling bout my neighbor John, I don't know how he's doin' it, but hes hiding marijuana in his fire wood!

Dispatcher: Ok sir thank you for the tip, we will send an officer over to talk to him. 

The following day, a police raid unfolds on neighbor Johns house. After the police leave, Bob makes a phone call:

Bob: Hey John its me Bob your neighbor, was just wondering if the police stopped by.

John: Hell yeah they did, they dun come over in all kinds of fancy gear and split up all my wood out back; it was the the damdist thang.

Bob: Happy Birthday Brother Johnny, come on over and hit this bong!!! 

Alaskans Git Er Done!


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## MrDank007 (Jul 23, 2011)

Why won&#8217;t Obama laugh at himself?
Because it would be racist.


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## WeeGogs (Jul 26, 2011)

Damn, first my camping trip was cancelled to norway, then my amy winehouse concert was cancelled, then i ended up in hospital in stockport, but never mind, a nice nurse called rebecca is looking after me, she is just changing my drip.


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## WeeGogs (Jul 26, 2011)

mrs mcvitty had only one titty to feed her baby on,
the poor little fucker had only one sucker to gnash his teeth upon,
and all of a sudden a big mealie puddin came flying through the air,
did she duck,
did she fuck,
it caught her fair and square,
and now she is in the family way,
some poor bastards got to pay,
70 bucks a week, 70 bucks a week.


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## H2grOw (Jul 28, 2011)

How is sex in a canoe and american beer alike? 


They're both fucking close to water.


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## Dominathan (Jul 28, 2011)

Guys, guys, guys. I know a lot of us want to tell jokes about Amy Winehouse, but we should do it one at a time. In fact, we all really should just form a line. It's what she would have wanted.


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## newworldicon (Jul 28, 2011)

Dominathan said:


> Guys, guys, guys. I know a lot of us want to tell jokes about Amy Winehouse, but we should do it one at a time. In fact, we all really should just form a line. It's what she would have wanted.


Oh please be the first to tell an Amy joke..............


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## H2grOw (Jul 28, 2011)

Cinderella was getting ready to go to the ball when she realized she was starting her period. She had no feminine products on hand, so she summons her fairy godmother. Her fairy godmother tells her she has a magic tampon that she can have. There was one catch though. At midnight it would turn into a pumpkin so she must get home on time. Cinderella accepts an makes it to the ball. Midnight comes and goes with out Cinderella returning home. Worried, the fairy godmother waits up for her. At 2am, Cinderella finally comes home suffering no ill effects. Her godmother asks her why she is home so late and why the tampon didn't turn into a pumpkin. Cinderella explains, "but it did turn into a pumpkin. Luckily I met a nice boy named Peter Peter."


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## Dominathan (Jul 28, 2011)

newworldicon said:


> Oh please be the first to tell an Amy joke..............


The world has now congratulated Amy Winehouse on her longest tolerance break.


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## kanx (Jul 29, 2011)

A englishman , scot'sman and an irish man are caught in the middle of a jungle, when an tribe capture them.

The tribe leader says to the scot's man "Death!? or bunjee!?"

The scot's man says "bunjee" , so the tribe start screaming "BUNJEE!" and fuk him senseless for 30 mins then let him go.

The tribe leader then says to the english man "Death!? or bunjee!?"

The english man says "B-B-Bunjee"

So again tribe start screaming "BUNJEE!" and fuk him senseless for 45 mins then let him go.

The tribe leader finally turns and says to the Irish man "Death!? or bunjee!?"

The irish man thinks long and hard about it and decide's "death"

The tribe go quiet , the tribe leader looks the irish man dead in the eye's and screams.





"DEATH BY BUNJEE!!!!"


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## kanx (Jul 29, 2011)

ShadyStoner said:


> Not really a joke but it's funny as hell
> 
> In the middle of a conversation say the most random thing you can - my favorite is hairy horse cock
> 
> ...


lol I know what your on about .

My all-time favourite thing to do say to someone to cause such a fuked up reaction is , if there standing chatting shit in your ear, just clearly and loudly say "WHAT!??? 3 dicks in your mouth!?" then walk away .


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## H2grOw (Jul 29, 2011)

Q: If men age like a fine wine, what do women age like?

A: Milk


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## growin4dummies (Jul 29, 2011)

What does a Priest get when he wants some pussy?

Nun.


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## mjdudeist (Jul 30, 2011)

that was funny.


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## growin4dummies (Jul 31, 2011)

A drunk walks into a bar, he tells the bartender " Hey gimme 9 shots of your best vodka" the bartender says "Sure no problem". As soon as the drunk gets his shots he starts drinking them back to back fast. The bartender says "Hey buddy slow down" The drunk says "Well if you had what I had you would be drinking this fast too!!" The bartender says "Well what the hell do you have?" The drunk replies "75 cents."


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## htx23 (Aug 1, 2011)

when im high i love to read those chuck norris jokes...


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## hillam (Aug 1, 2011)

BBC NEWS: Amy Winehouse dead

Related stories: Hardcore drug use in the UK drops an astonishing 38% overnight

Amy Winehouse's debut album was called 'Frank'...

How ironic, maybe she should have talked to him.

My friend died today, But she died doing what she loved doing.

Smack.

I thought ketamine was only meant to tranquilise horses, not kill the fuckers.

Unemployment in London has just hit a record high after 6,000 drug dealers have just been put out of work.




i know.im a cunt :]


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## Hepheastus420 (Aug 3, 2011)

Whoo this is my first post here after getting banned from grasscity, so hello everyone. Alright so there's two cannibals eating a clown, after a while they look at each other and say "does this taste funny to you".


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## Specialboy (Aug 4, 2011)

A boy and his grandfather who are planning to go for a walk are standing on the porch looking at black clouds gathering, grandfather say's "looks like rain son" boy say's "oh well done granddad tell me something I don't know!" grandfather say's "your nanna's arse can take my whole fist"


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## Farfenugen (Aug 7, 2011)

spell PIG backwards and add FUNNY to the end of it

(I know, lame but when high it might be great)


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## I already Node (Aug 15, 2011)

Q: Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?
A: She thought it was diet coke.


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## I already Node (Aug 15, 2011)

A speedfreak is out walking one fine evening. He finds a poor person on the street and helps him up. The poor person says, "Son, I'm a genie. And since you helped me I'll give you three wishes."

The speedfreak says, "I want a big bag of meth!", the genie says."Okay." POOF, the bag appears! They prepare some thick long white lines and share it between the two of them.

The next morning the genie asks "What's the second wish?", "I want two big bags of meth", says the speedfreak. "Okay," says the genie. POOF! And they prepare it and snort it between the two of them.

The next morning the genie asks "And the third wish?" "I want four big bags of meth!" POOOF!! So, they prepare lots of big lines and share it between the two of them.

Much later the genie gets up and says, "Okay, it's time for me to go." The genie takes a couple of steps, pauses, turns around and says, "Okay, just one more wish."


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## BendBrewer (Aug 15, 2011)

A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

At this point the father proclaims, "Assume the position!!!!" and instantly, the mother, who is dressed like Mother Teresa, the daughter who is 8 months pregnant, and the 3 legged dog squat, and simultaneously shit on the floor of the agent's office. The severely disabled son, unable to lift himself out of his wheelchair gurgles something inaudible and shits in his pants, making it to the floor only after running down his pant legs and oozing out through his socks. Father thanks God for his son's 'liquid only' diet. With the Agent's office floor sufficiently covered with canine and human shit, the father announces, "And now, for the Greatest Sex/Scat/Dog Butt-Fucking Show on the Face of the Planet. Let the Show BEGIN!!!!" 

Instantly the retarded, shit-stained son falls face first onto the floor landing directly into the pile of fresh Fido shit. The Dog, dodging the falling tard, immediately starts to gnaw at the undrained diarrhea from the boy's pants, ripping his jeans from his body as the Mother and daughter rip off their clothes and begin to dance around the Agent. Meanwhile the father disrobes and proceeds to urinate on the head of the disabled, drowning in Fido shit - son just as the dog laps up the remaining diarrhea from the boy's ass. The dog then looks up at father, who gives the nod, and proceeds to mount the retarded shit-faced son, shoving its hard pink little dog cock in and out of the boy's ass like a jack-hammer while pawing around the boy with his one front leg, in an attempt to give the boy a reach around.


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## BendBrewer (Aug 15, 2011)

The mother and daughter, still dancing nakedly around the agent move their attention to the butt fucking dog. The daughter lifts the dog off of the shit stained tarded brother and continues getting the dog off by rapidly stroking his hard cock, pointing it into her mother's mouth to allow the dog to shoot it's canine love juice down her throat, instantly causing the mother to puke all over her daughter's breasts which the dog immediately licks off of her as Dad grabs the dog from behind and thrusts his herpes laden cock into the ass of the dog causing the dog to howl in pain. 

Just then, the dad, notices his son choking to death on the pile of dog shit that he has been laying face down in since the beginning of the performance, pulls his dick out of the dog, and rushes over to the boy, and tries to remove the dog shit from the boys throat. His fingers not long enough to clear the shit clog from his throat; the dad shoves his dog stained cock into the boy's mouth in an attempt to clear the shit blockage. 

The dog, seeing a moment of opportunity to pay the father back, jumps on the back of the father who's dick is in his son's mouth in an attempt to clear the dog shit from his throat, driving his dog pecker into the fathers ass, and clininging on for dear life with all 3 legs. Having his father's cock buried in his throat sends the boy into an epileptic seizure, which causes his teeth to clamp down onto his fathers cock. 

The father screams in agony as the agent and the daughter come to the father's assistance. The daughter begins to yank her brother off of her fathers now bleeding hard-on as the agents tries to remove the family dog from the father's ass. Both pulling from opposite directions as the father screams as his son's clenched teeth grate the shaft of his cock as the daughter frees the lifeless body of her brother from her dad. The father bends over to give the agent more leverage and the horny, butt-fucking pooch is removed from the father's ass. 

The father thanks the agent and proclaims, 

"Wait! There's more......"


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## BendBrewer (Aug 15, 2011)

The Dad then plunges his bloody cock into his pregnant daughter's gapping pussy. As he buries his cock deep in her, his unborn grandson begins to suck the head of his dick causing the man to explode, launching his hot ropes of cum into his pregnant daughter and down the throat of her unborn fetus. 

This causes the baby to throw-up; shooting embryonic-projectile vomit out of his mom to be's swollen pussy. The Mother remarkably catches the hurling barf in her mouth, rushes over to her dead retarded boy and spits the vomit into his mouth like a mother bird feeding her young causing the boy to spring back to life, fully cured of all disabilities. The boy then turns to the obviously stunned talent agent and asks, "Too Cute For you huh? When do we start Mother Fucker?"

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, 

"That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"


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## hazed06 (Aug 15, 2011)

Whats the hardest part of eating a vegetable? 
Putting her back in the will chair....


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## Armaggedon (Aug 17, 2011)

an 80 year old man goes to the hospital because his 28 year girlfiend is having a kid, after delivering the baby a nurse asks the old man how do manage to have kids at that kind of age he replies i guess i never needed an oil change and they both laughed, after awhile the old man and his girl came back with another baby and the nurse asked him again how do you still manage to have kids the old man replies i guess i still dont need an oil change, so the old man goes back again with his girlfriend again to deliver a baby and the nurse tells the old man i think you need an oil change and the old man says why the nurse replies you went over on miles the baby came out black


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## mae (Aug 17, 2011)

What are 3 words, 2 letters each, that mean small?


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## mae (Aug 17, 2011)

Is it in?

happy growing (I needed more characters....why do we have that rule anyway?)


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