All your shitty jokes

Seasoned priest takes a newly ordained one golfing.
Young priest misses a stroke and yells DAMMIT missed!
The old priest scowls but says nothing.
Minutes later, the young one misses another stroke DAMMIT missed!

The old priest takes the young one by the shoulders and says "Young man, I must warn you: carry on like that and a bolt will come from the blue and strike you down."

It's several more holes before the young one makes a mistake and blurts DAMMIT missed!

A bolt comes from the blue and kills the senior priest.

And the young one listens in wonderment to a voice from the heavens DAMMIT missed!

(Heard from mama about 50 years ago; translated from Austrian)

A priest sees the beautiful weather and wants to golf. But it's Sunday, so he lies about being sick and drives many miles to a course where he won't be recognized.

St. Peter: "Boss are you gonna allow this to go unpunished?"

"Watch this, son."

Priest lines up to tee off the #1 hole, par 5, 430 yards ... and scores a hole-in-one.

"Uh, boss, how is that a punishment?"

"Consider, Peter.
To whom can he brag?"

I wish my husband would stop using up his data since he hasn't worked in a month!where's his friends?funny

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender brings him a beer and asks "Why the long face?"

raratt said:

A horse walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender brings him a beer and asks "Why the long face?"

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“My alcoholism is tearing my family apart.”

The secret service aren’t allowed to yell get down if the president is under attack.
They now yell Donald duck

Q: Do yo know who can drink two gallons of gasoline?

Jerry can.

Q: What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts.

my dad sent this to me today.

A woman who is three months pregnant falls into a deep a deep coma. Six months later she awakes and asks the doctor about the baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a girl and boy and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you.

Woman: Oh no, not my brother! he's an idiot. What did he name the girl.

Doctor: Denise

Woman: Well that isn't so bad, what did he call the boy.

Doctor: Denephew

Why did the stoner cross the road?
Because the grass was greener on the other side.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?







'Ell if I no.

raratt said:

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?







'Ell if I no.

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Think I first heard that one in 4th ish grade?
Lol

GreatwhiteNorth said:

Think I first heard that one in 4th ish grade?
Lol

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Young man gets his learner’s permit.

“Oh c’mon Dad let me drive !!1!”

One golden day, “ok. You get to drive.”

Dad gets into the seat behind the driver.

Son: “Dad don’t you want to be in front?”

“Oh heck no. I’ve been waiting for this moment for fifteen years!!”

Dad begins to kick the back of the driver’s seat with a remarkable lack of rhythm.

Why did the pervert cross the road?











He was still attached to the chicken.

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license... and all just because of a stupid police officer.

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard.

I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.


I'll show myself out.

Doctor am I going to be okay ? I don't know Mercury is in Uranus right now. I don't do astronomy Doc. Me either my thermometer just broke.

ChingOwn said:

Doctor am I going to be okay ? I don't know Mercury is in Uranus right now. I don't do astronomy Doc. Me either my thermometer just broke.

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If you can’t Titan your ring on the thing, maybe you shouldn’a Saturn it.

How long is a Chinese name?

So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crouch the bartender says why the steering wheel on your crouch the pirate says Rrr it's driving me nuts.