Lets Hear Some JOKES!

guy gets pulled over and cop gives him the license and reg routine. The cop ask did he know how fast he was going? The guy says he's late for work and apologizes to the cop. Cop asked what he did for a job? Guy says he is a rectum stretcher at the hospital. The cop stops and looks at the guy and ask how you do that? Guy says well you lube up and start with one finger then two and keep going till you can get your whole hand in then work your other hand in once you got both hands in you work it till its about 6 foot around. the cop looks at the guy and asks " what the heck do you do with a 6 foot rectum?" . Guy says give it a radar gun and ticket book.

Little boy gets off the school bus and man is he pissed. So walking up the drive of they're farm he comes across the cow grazing over the fence, He's so pissed he hauls off and smacks it in the head. As he goes on up the drive he passes the pig pin grabs a rock and throws at the pig hitting it. As he gets close to the house he sees the chickens in the yard and runs into them scattering them. Well his mom has been watching all this. As the boy comes into the house his mother scolds him and says just for that you get no breakfast, she explains cows give you milk, pigs give you bacon and chickens give you eggs then she sends him to his room till his father gets home, and off he stomps. Well the boy calms down and is on the porch with mom when his dad gets home. His dad had a really really bad day, so as he gets out of the truck the cat runs by, the dad hauls off and kicks it. The little boy looks at his mother and says," you going to tell him or me?"

What's black & brown & looks good on a refugee?




















A pack of dobermans.

What do you throw a drowning refugee?
















His wife & kids.

Mick lived on a sheep station in humpies at the far end paddock with the rest of the Aboriginals. When his wife Mary gave birth to a white baby, it was all the proof he needed that his boss, the station manager, was rooting his Mary.
Mick got on his horse & rode the miles down to the homestead to confront the boss.

Mick: "Boss, my Mary had a white baby. I know what's going on."
The boss thought for a moment then said,
Boss: "Nature can do funny things Mick. Take the sheep for instance, they're all white but every now & again a black one is born. Do you know what I mean Mick?"
Mick contemplates the boss's words before replying,
Mick: "Alright boss, I'll say nothing about Mary if you don't mention the sheep".

What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blowjob.

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Two potatoes are standing on a corner, how do you know which one is a prostitute?

The one that says "Idhao"

A redhead tells her blonde sister she slept with a Brazilian.
The blonde replies: "Oh my god you slut, how many's a brazillion"

--

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
If she has to chew before she can swallow.

A businessman, a priest & a schoolteacher were on the Titanic playing cards when the liner hit an iceberg.
It soon became apparent that they were sinking.
Teacher:"The little ones, what about the children?"
Businessman:"Fuck the children"
Priest:"Do you think there's time?"

What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

What sign does a whore house put up at the end of the day?
We're closed, beat it!

there's this one on here. "rented a property with a barn" then he ended up in prison>>>>............... HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

bumping my gf's thread who got jokes here is one how do you know you are a true stoner? when your bong gets washed more then your dishes

My Forgetter's Getting Better
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke

For when I'm "here" I'm wondering
If I really should be "there"
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!

Oft times I walk into a room,
Say "what am I here for?"
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.

At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!

When shopping I may see someone,
Say! "Hi" and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, "who was that?"

Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.

What do you call it when you run out of weed?

DANKRUPT!

I wouldnt wish dankruptcy on anyone.

What's green and smells of pork ?

Kermit the frog's finger


How do Kiwi's find sheep in long grass ?

Delightfull

How do you make a flying fox ?

Hit it with a harley

Why do elephants paint their toe nails red ?

to hide in apple trees

What's yellow , sits in a tree and is very dangerous ?

A canary with a machine gun

What's pink and hairy and sit's on a wall ?

Humpty cunt

Doctor , Doctor i think there's something wrong with my bum , " It's got a crack in it "

What do you call a dinasaur with no eye's ?

Doyouthinkhesawus

What do you call a dinasaur with no eye's and a dog ?

Doyouthinkhesawusrex

There was a girl growing hair down there , She asked her mum about it
Her mum said " It's natural , think of it as a monkey growing hair "
The next day , at breakfast the girl told her sister
" Hey Guess what " ?
" My monkey has started growing hair "
Her sister replied " Hah , my monkey has started eating bananas "
The Mother fainted !!!

Mary had a little lamb , it's fleece was black as charcoal
Everytime it jumped the fence sparks flew out of it's asshole

Mary had a little lamb the doctor fainted !

Mary had a little lamb she also had a duck , she taught the lamb to laugh and play and taught the duck to ...F
Fry eggs for dinner , fry eggs for tea , the more you eat the more you want to ...P
Peter had a boat , started to rock , up jumped a shark and bit off his ...C
Cocktail , ginger wine 46 a glass , if you don't like it shove it up your ...A
Ask no questions , tell no lies , i saw 2 fisherman doing up there ...F
Flies are bad , mosquitos are worse and this is the end of my dirty little verse

What's brown and looks like a log ?

Kermit the bog !

What's the definition of discusting ?

Kissing your Grandma and she sticks her tongue in !

Worst jokes ever ^^^^^

Here's an oldie but goodie.... What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection??? A quarter pounder with cheese !!! Hard not to groan or laugh.

You're so small you can hang glide on a Dorito!

Welsh man & his irish mate paddy walking over fields ,they suddnenly stop to see a sheep with its head stuck in the fence ,.....welsh man says oh yes , drops his pants & starts fucking the sheep like mad ,
when hes finished ,....he says to paddy .........reet paddy its thy turn lad ............paddy pulls is pants down and sticks is head in the fence .

what did the cannibal get when he was late to dinner??

the cold shoulder!!

two stings go into a bar the bartender says get out , one string rolls on the ground and ties itself up into a knot and says follow me ... the bartender says didn't i tell you to get out the one string says i'm a frayed knot