I'm sorry Great Britain.

WHY ENGLAND SUCKS.

My grievances:
Pot Noodles - in Australia at least we could get some good noodles straight from Asia. In England all you can get is Pot Noodles, which taste like absolute shit. I love the noodle+polystyrene cup format, but I can't eat this crap.
The Tube - half the time there's a line suspended...but at the best of times it's hot and as overcrowded and pushy as something you'd see in India.
Busses - even worse than the Tube. Busses equate to school kids blasting commercial hip hop out of their mobile phones' speakers. Tell the world your social standing by blasting some commercial rap out your phone!
Lack of cafe culture - there are no cafes in London apart from chains like Starbucks and Nero. You cannot sit on the street like any other city in Europe.
Cockney accents - seriously. It's called the letter "T". Use it.
The theatre - they're gay. I know the cinemas in London are the worst quality in the entire world, so that must explain it.
Overpopulation - London is full. I know I'm an immigrant but I won't be hanging around for long.
Class system - unfortunately this is quite prevelant. The difference in wages between a shop assistant and an office worker is quite extraordinary. It's good to be on the other side of the line, but I don't want some snide, bored store clerk serving me with all the 'tude they can muster.
Competitive music industry - why is it so damn hard to get a gig in this damn town? The only ones I've had are because the promoters are good friends. Trying to get a slot at Slimes is like asking the tide to turn.
English snobbery - it's true, the English look down on every other nation. We have no English friends - not one. All of our friends are other Australians or from elsewhere in Europe. I've been here almost a year and I'm a fairly outgoing guy - yet I am unable to make a single English friend.
The Weather - Snow at Easter. Jumper + jacket weather the rest of the time. No sun.
English television - I don't own a television, but whenever I watch one, 100% of the ads are either for a) pain medication or b) insurance. Maybe a few cleaning products in there as well, but mostly the first 2. This is fucking disgusting....a nation of aspirin-addicts fearful of losing their assets. I use no hyperbole.
English press - Reading the London Metro makes me feel stupider. Yes, stupider. I didn't know who Amy Winehouse or Pete Doherty were before coming here but now I know allllll about them. Thank you, London press! Oh, and stfu about Princess Di already...
English Beurocracy - do you know how much it costs to get a certificate of approval to get married here? £295 PER PERSON. And you have to surrender your passport for a period of up to 14 weeks, during which time you cannot travel, just to get approved to get married.
Camden Town - this den of drug dealers and miriad shitty stalls selling Nightmare Before Christmas shit can burn down to the ground as far as I'm concerned. Completely bereft of any community-spirit, yes you can buy Demonias but they will be sold to you by a big, scary, Eastern European business-man who's just flogging another commodity for cash.

Okay, there are a few things that make up for it, namely:
Proximity to the rest of Europe.
Thriving cyber scene.
The DJs at Slimes can actually beatmix.
The touring bands are great.
Earning £££.
Mostly-english speaking.
Top Gear.
The Mighty Boosh.

Oh, I have more grievances..but for now I have to go out, into the motherfucking rain, to get some bits from Argos...



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Apr 28, 08 | 6:58 am​