Lets Hear Some JOKES!

An Asian man goes to the optometrist and the doc tells him you have a cataract and he said no i dont i drive a wrinkun

Two cowboys sitting in a bar talking about sex. One says "The RODEO POSITION is definitely my favorite." Other cowboy says "What the hell is the RODEO POSITION?" First cowboy says "Well...what you do is get the woman on all fours, mount her from behind, and as soon as you stick it in you reach around, grab her tits and say "These feel just like your sister's.........then you try to hold on for 8 seconds."

two gay men fought in a gay bar, and um..... well you were there what else happened

this one guy's wife was always cheatn on him. he told her one day before he left to work, "if i catch u cheatn on me one more time, i'm gonna tie you down to the bed, and rip all of your pubic hairs out 1 by 1." and he left for work. while he was gone, the dark haired wife was sittin on the couch watchn a porno and masturbating. she thought to herself "i cant take it anymore". she went out side butt ass naked and there was a black man walkin by. she yelled out "hey come up here, i'll give you a quarter." so he walked up to the step and she gave him a shiney quarter. she said "come inside with me", and the black man said "for a quarter." she gave him another quarter and they went inside. She said go to the back room on the right. and again the black man said "for a quarter." when they were in the room, she said get in the bed and get naked. black guy said "for a quarter." when he was naked, she didn't waste any time to get what she wanted. she hears the front door open and she threw the black guy under the bed and told him to be quite. "for a quarter." she quickly gave him a quarter and put her bra and panties on and as her husband was walkin into the room she started pulling her panties down and she said "finally you are home." her husband wrapped her up in his arms and threw her on the bed and started to go down on her, and he smelled an unfamilliar smell. he said "you cheated on me again" and he gets some rope and ties her to the bed and gets some tweezers and started ripping out her pubic hairs 1 by 1. The dark haired wife was insisting that she did not cheat, and every time she said she didn't cheat he ripped another one out. he finally got down to the very last 1 and snatched it and it didn't come out. he pulled and pulled. but nothing worked. frustrated the husband says come out you black son of a bitch. the black man sticks his hand out from under the bed and said "for a quarter"

on the first day of school, the teacher says "hi class, i am mrs golding. I would like for each one of you to stand up and tell me a little about yourself." the young girl in the first seat stands up and says, "hi class, my name is sadie, one day when i become a ladie, i would like to have a baby. that i think i can." the teacher says "that is very nice sadie. you may have a seat." the boy behind her stands up and says "hi class, my name is stan, one day when i become a man, i would like to travel to japan. that i think i can. the teacher says "that is nice stan. you may be seated." the bad boy in the back stands up and says "first of all my gotdamn name aint stan, i dont give a flying fuck if i eeever go to japan, i just want to stay and help miss sadie with her plan, that i know i can."

a hippie gets on a late night bus, and notices the only passenger is a nun in the 4th row. he sits down across the isle from her and stares at her. the woman is very distruct at the lustful look on the hippies face. the bus driver stops where she normally gets off and she bolts to the door, and off of the bus. the hippie moves up to the seat behind the driver. The hippie says " that was a mighty fine woman in the black gown, i'd sure like to get with her." the bus driver said to the hippie " that was a nun. they are sworn to chasticity for the rest of lives, and dont have sex with any1 that is human or animal on this earth. but i will tell you how to score with her if you lick my nipples once a piece." the driver lifts his shirt and the hippie slobbers all over the hairy stiff nipples, once a piece. The bus driver said "to get a nun, you must dress up as jebus and appear as they are praying. the nun that you want is always at the 6th street semitary at 12am praying face down on her knees under the statue of jebus. that is where i pick her up and that where she just came from" The light haired hippie thinks " well my scruffy beard is not the right color so i'll need a darker one. perhaps one that has rubber bands and wrapps around my ears." he finds a dark colored beard in the clearance halloween basket at walmart. he finds an old scruffy robe that was in the attack at his dying grandmothers. and he already has the slip on sandles. he waits till it is almost midnight and begins to walk to the semitary. "sure enough" he thought, "there she is, on her knees, face down praying under the statue of jebus." he walks up behind her and say "fear not my child, i have decended from the heavens above to answer your prayers. i have always heard your prayers, and grant you my blessing." the nun turns around, still on her knees and keeps her face down, not to look at her lord in the flesh. the nun says "it is time to serve you in any way possible. the hippie says "lift your gown and i shall take thy virginity." the nun says "ok but do me in the butt, i like it in the butt." the hippie runs to the back and puts it in the hot sweaty hole. "20 minutes later he pulls out and nuts on the ground." he starts laughing and dancing over the nun that is still on her knees and face down. while he is still dancing around, the nun asked "whats so funny?" he pulls off his fake beard and says "I"M THE HIPPIEEEEEE" The nun jumps up and looks at the hippie pulls off the gown and says "I"M THE BUS DRIVEEERRRRRR"

SO a little Jewish boy walks up to his father and says "dad, can I have $20 dollars?"

And his father says "$15 dollars, what do you need $10 dollars for?"

LMAO... No prejudice indented, just really funny.

i got a good one.. sum pppl actually thought the eagles were gonna beat the cowboys today.... lmao i know i know

the texans can still go to the super bowel , and if they buy there tickets now they can sit together

dgk4life said:

i got a good one.. sum pppl actually thought the eagles were gonna beat the cowboys today.... lmao i know i know

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Same people that think that the Eagles are going to win Saturday?

those same ppl thought they were gonna win last sunday and well we all know how that turned out lol

save all the hassel of getting married and divorced,
just find a girl that hates your guts and give her a house !

captain chronizzle said:

i used this one the other day on a different thread. but here it is again:

why do rednecks do it doggystyle?







so they can both watch nascar.

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why do meth addicts do it doggy style?











so they can both peek out the window

Pipe Dream said:

why do meth addicts do it doggy style?











so they can both peek out the window

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Why do pot smokers do it doggy style?














So they can both watch the timer on the microwave.

Why do crack heads do it doggy style?













So they can smoke more crack and talk to the dude sitting on the couch..

lol @ the dude sitting on the coach

what about johnny like skinny girls but he never turns down a fatty-classic

im gettin high like i said it was some chocolate thai and some indonesia watch me fly - pac

whats up yall my names bart burnt
i hear takin a day off smokin wouldnt hurt
ahh fuck it ill smoke twice as much today
what i do i need this little stupid brain for anyway?
-high and mighty

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!

I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A guy walks into his bedroom with a duck under his arm

and says "this is the pig I been fucking"

and the Wife says that aint a pig thats a duck

and the guy say "I was talking to the duck"

That was one of my Dads favorite jokes of all time

probably already seen this but I just found this today its funny as hell.

It reminds me of a hilarious story back in the day we were at a friends house and they had some skidmarks in their underwear in the bathroom. We laughed hard about this and than we were talking about it about 2 months ago and than a week later on this persons facebook or myspace page it asked do you think ------ wears dirty underwear? I was like hell no unbelievably I guess it was just some random poll not anybodies doing lolololol

What's the difference between a washing machine and an altar boy?

The washing machine won't follow you around all day after you dump your load in it.