Jesus christ I can believe this..

humblesmurph said:

i can dig that. It's like, you don't know if you absolutely want to kill yourself, but if you do decide to, you don't want people trying to stop you. While i admire sensitivity to those that would be left behind, guilt is a pretty weak motivation for survival. It can lead to some trippy thoughts man. Some people start to resent their loved ones for keeping them trapped in this life they no longer want any part of.

Your doc is right imo, you gotta live for you--find something that makes you happy--besides those plants. Another hokey (but effective--trust me) suggestion: go help somebody. Donate a Saturday morning of your time to work in a soup kitchen. Sometimes helping others can be a trememdous mood lifter.

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Ye, that's it I'm not 100% sure I want it, it's like something really normal that needs to be done.. in fact in my head it's not that big of a deal.. like my friends are talking a couple of months ahead and ask me something and I'm thinking to myself "Hmm.. I don't think I'd be still around.. what am I gonna say?". It's kind of weird actually the way I regard this as not a big deal.

And I can't even get out of bed for school.. let alone to help people lol. And most people who need help here are immigrants.. and I hate them with a passion so there's no way I'm helping them

Conoclast,

has your doc talked to you about behavioral psychology? It seems most folks don't want to do something--go to work, clean the house, open their mail etc. cuz they associate the activity with great pain or discomfort. Often people are surprised when they actually do the thing, that it sucks....but not nearly as bad as they had assumed. Take note of these times when you overestimated how shitty something would be. Over time (with help from your therapist, you'll develope an outlook that is more in line with reality.

Maybe death isn't that big of a deal. Maybe it's a peaceful release from the burdens fo this physical world (desire and anguish). However, maybe you change your mind mid stream, decide you fukked up and wait it's too late flatline________.


Not the run of the mill advice i know, but if you really want to die, why not do some cool scary shit first. If i wanted to die, i'd certainly go bungee jumping and skydiving first. I'd have to try snowboarding/ skiing. Ooooooh, hang gliding!!! fuk yeah. hitchhike to the West Coast. Run a marathon (OK, maybe a five K, 26.2 miles, I don't even like to drive that far). Keep your chin up pimpin.

ps don't waste your young life hating folks.

It's not so much as college.. it's the walk.. It's no big deal since it's just a 20 min walk but I really wouldn't feel like it just after getting out of bed. And all the guys I used to hang out with seemed to just disappear, dunno what happened to them but I don't see them around much anymore.

And the scary shit.. I'm thinkin about it honestly. Get the thrill of a lifetime without worries.. I might do some crazy shit just have to find some ppl to do it with lol. Been talking to a guy from college and he's up for stuff like that so maybe we'd do something someday lol.