Discussion in 'Stonable Quotables' started by keysareme, Mar 8, 2014.
hu flung dung
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says," why the long face?"
here is an oldie...there is this really beautiful woman that has to pick between 3 men that want to marry her...she tells them I will marry the one with the biggest balls, every one come here to my house in three nights...1st guy goes to doctor need something to make my balls bigger...here take these pills every 12 hours...2nd guy goes to doctor ,I need to make my balls bigger...take these pills every 6 hours...3rd doc I need to make my balls big...take these pills every hour. On the 3rd night the woman waits for the men; knock on door come in she replies 1st man drops his pants balls the size of a football she fondles them another knock on the door 2nd man drops his pants balls the size of a basket ball, the woman drools; couple hours go by 3rd man still hasn't showed, she is just getting ready to pick the 2nd man...when suddenly the door burst open the 3rd man walks in looks at the women...turns around and says roll them in boys.
Yeah, that sucked
A group of students are sitting in class for drug education - The teacher keeps rambling about how dangerous cannabis use is. After this goes on for a while, one of the smart ass kids raises his hand. The teacher spots his hand and says "What do you want Johnny, you little shit?!" - Johnny, being a little shit, says "Sir, weed can't be that bad - the Chinese have been using medical marijuana for hundreds of years". The teacher gets a little grin and responds "Yes, but look what it's done to their fucking eyes!".
I'm hella mad cuz I don't get it. lol
What is reality?
An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.
What do you get when you eat edibles?
A pot belly.
What do wheel of fortune and drug dealers have in common?
They both charge $250 for an O
What do you call a stoner who's masturbating?
A weed wacker
A man boards a train, finds a seat, then sits down. After a while, he takes a paper bag from his pocket, full of prawns. One by one, he shells them, throwing the head, tail and shell on the floor, then eats them. A woman sitting opposite takes offence to this. ''Excuse me !'' shouts the woman, ''Can you stop doing that?'' ''No way,'' the man replies. ''I've
paid for my ticket, which includes cleaning, so fuck off !'' The man finishes the prawns, screws the paper bag up and throws that on the floor along with the heads and shells. The man sits back in the seat and closes his eyes, preparing to have a sleep for the remainder of the journey. With this, the woman takes a ball of wool and knitting needles from her bag, and after a while, starts to knit. The man opposite opens one eye and says ''Excuse me, can you stop that clickety clack of those knitting needles? I'm trying to get to sleep'' ''You can fuck right off!'' replies the woman. ''Look at the fuckin mess you made........I'm only fuckin knitting.....I paid for my ticket the same as you......fuck off !'' With this, the man stands up, opens the window, grabs her knitting and throws it out, then , calmly shuts the window again. The woman is fuming by now, so, up she gets and imidiately pulls the emergency chord. The train grinds to a halt. ''You stupid bitch, You'll get fined £200 for that'' shouts the man. ;;That's nothing'' replies the woman, ''You'll get seven years when they smell your fingers !!''
Two hobbits shitting in a bucket.
Walk up to a woman at a bar and ask her.
Can I push up your stool?
Then start doing this.
Try to keep a straight face so when you find the right one she will take you seriously.
Warning you might get slapped a lot looking for the right one.
Ee't uuhuzz Duhm Yh'ung Pouou, Ee zzhu'uu heem dou ee't.
A priest recently got transferred to a new perish in a larger city than he had ever been in before. He's walking back from town and a prostitute stops him and says "Hey Sugar, how about a blowjob for $20?" - the priest is confused and just puts his head down and keeps walking. When he gets back to church he asks one of the nuns "Sister, what's a blowjob?" - She responds "Same as in town...$20 - but you'll have to wait until I'm done with the Cardinal"
Definition for a woman ------------------ Life support for good pussy.
Dude that joke like totally eats dog vomit sux man. You sould do us all a favor steal one from online next time and don't hurt yourself trying to think for yourself. K? Peace and love bro.
A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"
Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."
Three RIU's were stranded on a deserted island,One day a lantern washes up on the beach.
Oregon Farmer picks it up and gives it a few rubs and sure enough POOF! Agenie appears and tells us he is granting us three wishes.
Well Oregon Farmer say "I have been away from my garden for so long i wish i was back there with a full field of premium bud ready to harvest"
Poof! He was gone.
Next I (Zig Zag Blue) says "I wish i was at home with my beautiful wife whom i miss dearly "
Poof! I was gone.
The third member Pinworm thinks about his response for the longest time and then finally decides to make his wish so he says "Geez those guys have been gone for awhile now and it sure is lonely here ,I wish they were back!
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, "Someone use fascinate in a sentence." Sally answered, "The zoo was fascinating." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence." Maria suggested, "I was fascinated at the zoo." Once again the teacher said, "No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny said, "My sister has ten buttons on her sweater." Again the teacher said, "Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence." Johnny replied, "I know, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight."
Separate names with a comma.