tired of being a scumbag but dont know how to change....

tiny roach said:

OK..........Heres the take of a newb, who doesn't know you, but grew up with some of the same shit in her life, and ran off , in rebellion, as a hellaciously bad teen, at 13, the first time.If it hadn't been for the interest , and love of a man , too old for me, but still wanting me, heaven knows what would have become of me.

And here I am, 40 years later, still with this man, so , he basically saved my life. He, to this day, claims I saved his .

Not the point , though............heres the point ; I was so full of anger and hatred, at my family, for so many years, and my man, who had a childhood like yours, had anger, too. Maybe thats what made us compatable.

Anyway...........one day he said to me " I'm done...., done with the anger, the nightmares, the hatred, .........I'm just letting it all go" , and as I watched, I saw a change,.........somehow he DID , let it go .

I kept asking him, " How did you do that? Why can't I ? " he just said it was like pushing a button inside him, and he just stopped thinking about it all.

As time went by, in our relationship, I realized, somewhere along the line, I , too had let the shit go.........I don't know when , or how, I just know I did.

It tends to re surface at holidays, but as I got older, and had a son of my own, and made the decision to end the cycle of violence and cruelty, that had forever changed both my man, and myself, then lost a few family members, to overdoses , and old age, things just seemed , ..........I don't know.........not worth feeling like that, over.

I wish I could say how, when or why , this happened, but , I can't. I can only say, at some point, you will find that shutoff button, I hope, and let go of all the old baggage, and start to fill a new suitcase, with nice, new stuff.

I wish you the best, and hope you are able to find, your "off " button, some time soon. Until then...........light up, sit back, and enjoy what good life offers.........

I'm not a "religious " person, so I just say........good luck , and may LIFE bless you.........and give you all you need......... <3

Click to expand...

thank you for sharing. i see your from the Chicago area. i myself grew up in Humboldt park... GO BEARS... lol yeah right they suck but thanx for sharing

gioua said:

you may need a good ass beating and a sandwich.. ....But I have not thought of you acting like a scumbag here..nor have I seen the anger/depression here.. I have not had issues with you and have not seen you have issues with others here..
get off the drugs.... dont allow your past to screw up your future....

Click to expand...

y
eah i crack a lot of jokes and people like that.... makes me seen like im happy?

im thankfull for music i can relate to... it helps.. so does a lot of ganja... [youtube]-CVJwOczjEE#t=239[/youtube]

The best thing I ever learned in therapy is:

"When you don't know what to do....Give."

It doesn't have to be a big thing, monetary, or a weekly volunteer commitment, it can be something random, and relatively quick. Just make sure it is freely given -- it will get you out of your head space, and in doing something nice, you, in turn, will feel nicer.

I raked leaves at a dog park for 2 hours in rain after my nephew died. (I didn't ask anyone, I didn't sign up to volunteer, the rake was there, I was SO sad, so I raked).

I worked for 3 hours on an assembly line at the canned food bank, putting apples into bag lunches for kids during the summer holiday. Everyone was so nice and funny -- we sang along to dorky 70's rock, and some needy kids would eat that day.

When I'm really bummed out, I'll take my dogs to the beach, and just walk til I feel better. It's especially good if I'm facing the elements on a not so perfect day. Something about the rain or wind hitting me as I slog along, with dancing dogs wiggling around me, helps my mood. On the turnaround trip, I pick up trash on the beach so that it is pristine for the next person who comes along.

Please don't get the idea that I'm some goody-two shoes, know it all. My sisters claim that I am the most selfish person they know (which is actually pretty fucked up, because they say it when I do something nice and unselfish for them!). I just have to actively TRY to be good.

I think you're on the right path in recognizing that you want to be different -- that truly is the first step, and the rest will come. Kurt Vonnegut said, "We are who we pretend to be, so be careful who you pretend to be." It doesn't just happen because you want it to, but it is an act of will. It will take time, but don't get bogged down by that. Just do one nice thing....and then another.....and another....You'll find that the high of giving is somewhat addicting too.

Personally, I think that there is a good woman out there for you, but that shouldn't be your focus right now. You get to focus on you, and what you can bring to the party. The woman will show up when you've got a few more ducks in a row....

You will be ok. You will be better than ok, you will be great!

Now go out there and do something nice for yourself, and for someone else too!

Check yo messages chi.

[video=youtube;iaQnFW70Mck]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaQnFW70Mck[/video]

good medicine.

i guess we all have our burdens to carry... thank god i have strong shoulders... life goes on the hustle continues until the casket drops 6 feet in the dirt... trying to stay 10 toes tall but sometimes we get knocked down [youtube]kC0H4jQILAg[/youtube]

You've been given lots of advice. As to moving, where ever you go, you are there.

(1) I'd go to a nursing home or a food pantry or something and I'd give of myself.
(2) I'd also start running. When the rage hits RUN! Get a very good pair of sneakers and start putting in some serious time, pounding rage into the pavement.
(3) Fade away from all your old habits and hang outs, don't do anything dramatic just begin changing everything.

Good luck with your journey, and remember each time you fail, simply get back up. Kipling (If), said it best,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same

[video=youtube;OMwe7WJK17M]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMwe7WJK17M[/video]

..or an animal shelter to help/donate food.

i agree wit ^^SS
first step is to recognize that you want change

• a lot of what you said hit me in the dome like a brick...... find myself a good girl? does one even exist my friend.... if so I don't have shit to offer a good girl look at me in all my convicted felony splender... on some real shit I cant offer a good woman shit but some good dick, and my love and loyalty... that's not gonna be enough a good one wants buddy with atleast the bachlores degree a good carrere ect ect. im none of that shit..... as far as kids go bro I don't think I could make a baby... it hasn't happened to me ever... i hardly ever pull out..... anyway it seems i only attract str8 whores and bitches with access baggage or who are just plain crazy...... im ready to give up hope on all that shit though bro cuzz as it sits in pretty hard to get along with and am too confrontational..​
  
  
  
  

Click to expand...

wrong - some good girls like good guys and some good girls like thugs my soon to be X had masters degree made 1 and a 1/4 a year im gona miss the cheese

a good man is not 100% good and a bad man is not 100% bad

quite putting yoself down find the good in yoself and build it up

are two gods in our life we choose to follow one or the other stop following the devil though he is just as the god some think is the only god
i do not support the devil but see him as strong and powerful as my creator - the devil will consume you - you will make $$ - but it wont last - this world is his

when i was young i followed the bad boys as an old man i follow the good boys
i have done it all and only thing i do now is smoke and a little booz the rest takes me out of character

you always sold yoself as a cynicle heartless bastard now i see your not
[video=youtube;pEQAie8ABLE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&amp;v=pEQAie8ABLE[/video]

i love this course and a lot of dudes lyrics... [youtube]_LmwdOhz3Cw[/youtube]

curious2garden said:

You've been given lots of advice. As to moving, where ever you go, you are there.

(1) I'd go to a nursing home or a food pantry or something and I'd give of myself.
(2) I'd also start running. When the rage hits RUN! Get a very good pair of sneakers and start putting in some serious time, pounding rage into the pavement.
(3) Fade away from all your old habits and hang outs, don't do anything dramatic just begin changing everything.

Good luck with your journey, and remember each time you fail, simply get back up. Kipling (If), said it best,

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same

[video=youtube;OMwe7WJK17M]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OMwe7WJK17M[/video]

Click to expand...

that's a dank ass song jo

You can choose any day you want to change your ways. Just have to be willing to change though. Don't dwell in the past, it's over and what you do today is what matters. Life is beautiful just have to figure out how to see that everyday when you wake up.

word for da day [youtube]eM73zqDLxkU[/youtube]

thank you I can find some comfort in that...

I recommend buying James Young's autobiography + companion Study Guide

Plus look in the mirror and repeat minimum of 3 times, as often as you can, I AM NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE

WWW.JAMESYOUNGSITE.COM

Hey Express, nice thread. Sounds like your post wrote itself, imo, that's a good thing.

I used to have a fair sized chip on my shoulder. By the end of my 20's I was a bit of a machine (physically and emotionally). My heart was there when I really needed it, but at others times it seemed buried in the gears. It was something of a death wish because I didn't feel life was worth it. A lot of pain usually translates to someone else in your life feeling that pain for you.

I didn't want to hurt people any longer, it was ridiculous, childish even. Funny thing though, I had to 'find' that kid I was long ago and have a close look to find where it all began. It was harder than I was, I can tell you that. Nowadays I've accepted that I am really more of a lover than a fighter, and that back then I was hurt and didn't know how to deal with it.

Find a way.

eye exaggerate said:

Hey Express, nice thread. Sounds like your post wrote itself, imo, that's a good thing.

I used to have a fair sized chip on my shoulder. By the end of my 20's I was a bit of a machine (physically and emotionally). My heart was there when I really needed it, but at others times it seemed buried in the gears. It was something of a death wish because I didn't feel life was worth it. A lot of pain usually translates to someone else in your life feeling that pain for you.

I didn't want to hurt people any longer, it was ridiculous, childish even. Funny thing though, I had to 'find' that kid I was long ago and have a close look to find where it all began. It was harder than I was, I can tell you that. Nowadays I've accepted that I am really more of a lover than a fighter, and that back then I was hurt and didn't know how to deal with it.

Find a way.

Click to expand...

Probably the best description of the pain -> anger -> depression cycle I've seen to date, it's causes and cure.

This is going to sound cliche and possibly childish but all I can say is this, you know yourself better than anyone else so be the harshest judge you can be and pass a sentence fitting the crimes. There are secrets only you know and those skeletons will only clatter louder the more bones you store.
We can and will give the support you need but it will be up to you to ask for it, without guile of course.

Grant me the serinity to except the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.