tired of being a scumbag but dont know how to change....

first and for most... some of you guys who may know me will know that im all kinds of fucked up..... and unfortunently it is not an act... im the same jaggov behind the screen that I am in real life... I wasn't always like this.... looking back to my childhood at about 7-8 year old shit start going bad for me... I started acting up and making poor decisions that would follow me threw life... I could sit here and blame my father for not being there for me and beating my mother more times then I care to recall and twice trying to kill my mom {once shot her in the ear thank god it didn't hit her head} some of it has to do with him.. other parts I made my own bed and had to lie in it... I practiced so hard since I was young to be just a cold cruel person... so much so that I got lost in that shit and programmed myself to be that dude.... I thought it would be necessary for my survival but man I fucking hate what I have become... I cant control my anger for shit... I loose my cool over the most minimal and stupidest shit. I can now from practice sometimes catch myself before I hurt someone {took a lot of practice} but its hard to control my words I find myself saying the craziest most hurtfull shit that comes into my mind and out my lips first..... I don't know wtf it is to be happy.. I cant remember the last time I was truly happy... I mainly have 2 emotions.... anger and depression.. and I end up masking the depression and manifesting it into anger so others wont mistake it for a weakness... my face wears 2 main expressions.... anger and hurt..... anything else seems not to look right on me... I don't look right being happy... prolly cuzz most the time its fake. ive tried so hard to fucking change but its hard to break old habbits and mindsets.... I know I have a big heart but wtf good is that if hardly no one ever sees or notices it in you... there is soooo much more shit I dont have the patience to sit here and type it all..... ive reached that moment in life where I hate wat ive become... just been feeling down and like fucking shit lately... any advice or imput would be appreciated... whether negative or positive imput I prolly deserve it either way.... AM I FUCKED FOR LIFE OR WHAT? lol fml!!!

I can offer an example of how someone I love did it. If you want to know P.M. me.

many people don't make it past the realization and confession stage so, it's a good first step, express.

BarnBuster said:

many people don't make it past the realization and confession stage so, it's a good first step, express.

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thank you I can find some comfort in that...

Have you considered therapy? I was resistant to it for a long time but it's been more helpful than I thought it would.

Bombur said:

Have you considered therapy? I was resistant to it for a long time but it's been more helpful than I thought it would.

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I was a juvenile delinquent they forced me to do all kinds of therapy as part of my probation plea deals... they doped me up on all kinds of fucking pills from wellbutrin, Zoloft, Depakote, Ativan, trazadone, ect ect. that shit didn't help made me a zombie..and I wouldn't take it regualry so I think that made me a total fucking lunatic....

I still lub you

Like Barnbuster said, you've taken a good first step.
I suffer from Depression and anxiety problems for years.
I was an active outgoing person, no I'm a recluse.
part of why "grow my own" was cool is one less reason to go out.

My offering Philosophy and kind words is not going to help you.
I would offer any assistance if I can, it's best for you to keep talking in the thread, we are not here to judge just to listen.

So how old are you now?

Ok, firstly if you can come on here and write all this out you are in fact facing up to it. You know you have to stop taking lines etc. lock off that side completely.I see this as your main problem. Just stick to the weed, money doesn't make you happy does it? So make less. You love your nephew so try and hang out with that side of the family. Idk how it's going with your mum now but it'd be good if maybe you could write her a letter. As for your Dad etc. it's a long one so two word - Self responsibility. You'll be ok. Just cut that crap.

giggles26 said:

I still lub you

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I like to do my hard drugs up my nose thank you very much lol... but thanx for the lafff bro

Find a mentor... Someone that DOESN'T KNOW about anger, rage, hate. Someone that's a good person -- a young idealist.

This'll sound strange, but find a mentor that you DON'T want to scare, hurt, or otherwise offend. I like to hang out with the boss lady's daughter, she's been through the shit, but is a good person, and is very timid -- makes me pay closer attention to what I'm doing around her, so as to not offend or scare her.

Cyber Hug

lahadaextranjera said:

Ok, firstly if you can come on here and write all this out you are in fact facing up to it. You know you have to stop taking lines etc. lock off that side completely.I see this as your main problem. Just stick to the weed, money doesn't make you happy does it? So make less. You love your nephew so try and hang out with that side of the family. Idk how it's going with your mum now but it'd be good if maybe you could write her a letter. As for your Dad etc. it's a long one so two word - Self responsibility. You'll be ok. Just cut that crap.

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I dont know how to just "cut the crap" sweetheart..... ur right about my drug use... I haven't done coke in weeks.... and has far has write my mom a letter we dont talk about the past too much... it fucking infuriates me that I was a lil kid 5 years old and I couldn't do nothing to help my mom from what was happening... I like didn't understand why pops is trying to kill moms.... it was all alien to me. my mom has back pains till this very fucking day and cant hear well from her right ear... one time I was with her and she told me her back is hurting her bad I asked her why she said ever since ur dad tried to kill me the first time my back has been in pain.... I fucking lost it.... I started crying and yelling... I kept a gun at the time at her house put up in the stash... I went to get it and looked her dead in the eye has I popped the clip in that gun with tears in my eyes and rage in my voice saying im going to go kill my father and his brothers who put that false bullshit into his feeble little mind that started all this... I thank god or whoever I made a big scean and she told me please dont go I dont wanna loose you to prison I couldn't live like that.... if I hadn't acted all dramatic and just rolled out quiet like if it wasn't soo personal and I wasn't so in a rage... I would have done some real stupid shit that day :[

You could try punishing yourself and join a church group, see how long you last .....lol

in order for one to change their ways , first you must recognize that you have an issue. in order to change, you have to want to...then it starts with the small things first! one cannot expect to change their wayz over night, it takes time and you need to work on it daily. ever hear the expression...if you got nothing nice to say to people than dont say anything at all this is only my opinion... take from it what you want... if not ...whatever lol i was an asshole for the longest time and it got me nowhere...so now i act like i would like others to treat me ...like a human being...ha

You sound like a prime candidate for an Iboga awakening.
[video=youtube;RR9P7ksKktM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RR9P7ksKktM&list=FLSuIpBnuNk2ckAzO4EUuriQ& index=106[/video]
http://ibeginagain.org/?gclid=CKK3vsP7_rsCFc2Tfgod0A8A9w
If you can't do that I recommend ayuhuasca with a real shaman.
http://unusmundus-melie.blogspot.com/2012/06/podcast-ayahuasca-story-aubrey-marcus.html

futant said:

You sound like a prime candidate for an Iboga awakening.
[video=youtube;RR9P7ksKktM]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RR9P7ksKktM&list=FLSuIpBnuNk2ckAzO4EUuriQ& index=106[/video]
http://ibeginagain.org/?gclid=CKK3vsP7_rsCFc2Tfgod0A8A9w
If you can't do that I recommend ayuhuasca with a real shaman.
http://unusmundus-melie.blogspot.com/2012/06/podcast-ayahuasca-story-aubrey-marcus.html

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i was never big on hallucinogens... I cant control my trip like others...

yes i do think you are fucked up so am i but cant carry shit forever

i hated my father as a young man then helped my moms take care of him on his way out of this life

elementry school is 8 years i went to 6 different elementry schools mother and father used to fight like cats and dogs - moms would take off while he is at work - they were two hillbillies from the woods of north carolina, nothing between the two no education maybe 5 th or 6th grade - when time for rops to coe in no school for you - was a struggle with hatred building

but that hatred got in my way and i had to let it go to move on wit my life
i getting adivorce from my wife afer a 30 year marrage cause aswe grow old we turn into our mothers and fathers

i was 64 the 11th
dont end up like me
i almost made it to the end even being fucked up

find yoself a good girl give it a shot
be a cube let the hard stuff go have a kid

give it a shot let the bulshit go
it is heavy baggage to carry around - i tried
set it down and walk away

you dont have to proove nutin
or impress no one
relax put your guard down

dont be old bitter and lonely man like im gona be - is hard to find a mate as a old man especially a old raggedy man
i know you and not wishing bad - but yo moms is not gona be here forever - niether are we - is one way out of here an we all must go

gluck

Good to see ya around dwez

Dwezelitsame said:

yes i do think you are fucked up so am i but cant carry shit forever

i hated my father as a young man then helped my moms take care of him on his way out of this life

elementry school is 8 years i went to 6 different elementry schools mother and father used to fight like cats and dogs - moms would take off while he is at work - they were two hillbillies from the woods of north carolina, nothing between the two no education maybe 5 th or 6th grade - when time for rops to coe in no school for you - was a struggle with hatred building

but that hatred got in my way and i had to let it go to move on wit my life
i getting adivorce from my wife afer a 30 year marrage cause aswe grow old we turn into our mothers and fathers

i was 64 the 11th
dont end up like me
i almost made it to the end even being fucked up

find yoself a good girl give it a shot
be a cube let the hard stuff go have a kid

give it a shot let the bulshit go
it is heavy baggage to carry around - i tried
set it down and walk away

you dont have to proove nutin
or impress no one
relax put your guard down

dont be old bitter and lonely man like im gona be - is hard to find a mate as a old man especially a old raggedy man
i know you and not wishing bad - but yo moms is not gona be here forever - niether are we - is one way out of here an we all must go

gluck

Click to expand...

a lot of what you said hit me in the dome like a brick...... find myself a good girl? does one even exist my friend.... if so I don't have shit to offer a good girl look at me in all my convicted felony splender... on some real shit I cant offer a good woman shit but some good dick, and my love and loyalty... that's not gonna be enough a good one wants buddy with atleast the bachlores degree a good carrere ect ect. im none of that shit..... as far as kids go bro I don't think I could make a baby... it hasn't happened to me ever... i hardly ever pull out..... anyway it seems i only attract str8 whores and bitches with access baggage or who are just plain crazy...... im ready to give up hope on all that shit though bro cuzz as it sits in pretty hard to get along with and am too confrontational..