Just try
reading this without laughing till you cry!!!
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the
wife.
A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary
submitted this:
Last weekend I saw
something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest.
The occasion was
our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came
across was a
100,000-volt,
pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be
short lived, with no
long-term
adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time
to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the
device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and
pushed the button.
Nothing! I
was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button and pressed it against a metal surface at
the same time, I'd get
the blue
arc of electricity darting back and forth between the
prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie
what that burn spot is on
the
face of her microwave.
Okay,
so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
that it
couldn't be all that bad with
only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie
looking on intently (trusting
little soul)while I was reading the directions
and thinking that I
really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving
target.
I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if
I was
going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would
work as advertised. Am I
wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank
top with my reading
glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient
your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
spasms
and a major loss of
bodily control; and a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of
water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5"
long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking
to myself, 'no possible
way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description,
but I'll do my best ...
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
with her head cocked to one
side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,'
reasoning that a one second
burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't
hurt all that bad. I
decided
to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button,
and ...
HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .
. WHAT THE ....!!!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the
side door, picked me up in
the
recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and
over and
over again. I vaguely recall
waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both
nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked
under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my
legs!
The cat was making
meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to
a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
obviously in an attempt to
avoid
getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living
room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug'
yourself with a tazer, one
note
of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst
when you
zap yourself! You will not
let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on
the floor! A three second
burst
would be considered conservative!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at
that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up
and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of
the fireplace. The
recliner was
upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples
were still twitching. My
face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the
drooling.
Apparently I had
crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for
sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a
faint smoke cloud above my
head,
which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my
testicles and I'm offering a significant reward
for their safe return!
P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my
experience, loved the gift
and
now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being
stupid !!!
Did you used to hang around 4hv?
