if you have ever grown pot or are going to. THIS IS YOUR BIBLE

LOL trim with hands of a surgeon you just killed

if.I.grow.it.theywillcome said:

Okay, so it’s your very first grow ever, right? Here is what you need to do. First things first....buy the most expensive seeds you can find. And as many of them as you can, because you are going to kill them by the dozens…I can't stress this enough.

....you have to think about them ALL THE TIME!!!!






It is around this point you might want to start sleeping right outside of the closet.

At, this point you should have one of two things happen, you have either lost your job, or your wife has left you over the plants. (Again; fuck them because you are going to be rich, remember?)

If you have ever grown pot there has to be at least one part in here that tickled your funny bone. I hope you lol'ed!!!

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Okay, I have to admit that you had me laughing for sure. You started a great thread here. However, you left out my #1 rule of being a farmer and that is SECURITY.

You were close about sleeping by your grow, but I do not even like sleeping. If you fail to keep you operation secure, you leave yourself open to all kinds of problems, like Robberies and Cops. So all newbs need to go invest in some video surveillance equipment. I like to be able to monitor my stuff from my computer while away. Get at least 1 exterior camera, 3 interior cams and the screen. I also would invest in a security system, beefed up locks, and some hard core guard dogs. Some people are against weaponry, but I suggest learning to use firearms and invest in them if you can. Shotties, pistols and high powered semi-autos are nice. I also like to keep a TV or radio on when away. If someone shows up my dogs will scare them away. Now you need to go learn self defense and get some military training if possible. I don't care if your tough already, it won't hurt to sharpen your skills. Go take MMA classes and make yourself a bad ass, this includes you too ladies. This will help you take on the POS that decides to rob you. Next, do not tell your buddies about your grow. They will be the fist to rob you. I know some real dumb ass people that were robbed by so called "friends". You may consider my method of madness, well Madness. However, I will say I have never been robbed and I never will be. At least if I am, the unwanted house guests will not be leaving.

BTW, when I started growing over 20yrs ago, I didn't kill dozens of plants. To this day, I still do not think I have killed dozens. However, I was not really a newb at growing. I was helping on a corn and cattle farm at the age of 5yrs. old. Possibly that helped me with the basics when I started cannabis.

3 part read when you're this stoned...hahah nice shit man, there's at least one person out there who would take this all literally....

That sucked.

I loved the post, but it distracted me way too long, my 14' girls flopped over from lack of attention

if.I.grow.it.theywillcome said:

First things first....buy the most expensive seeds you can find.

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this is where i stopped reading

Dude, I'm trying to finish reading it and smoke at the same time, and I can't do either. I'm just laughing to hard. I wish more people knew this honest truth.

gooooooooooood shit

funny as fcuk mate !! LOL !

lol thats hilarious

"life" nice

so it's not just me........sweet!

i wish i had this sort of time. =[

so....where do i get a lightsaber? should a ask my shaman?

Are we there yet?
Man I know the feeling....

Thanks for the post. If it wasn't for you I would have harvested too early. The shaman's bones said they weren't ready, but what do I do now? No other shamans will work for me.

this cracked me up. thank god Im not alone. I thought it was just cus I was a chick that I am so obsessed with my plants that are only 2 WEEKS old !! thanks for the laugh

Definitely a classic, I bookmarked it for sure

LMAO! Damn,thats me to a T only i killed the shaman on day 2 of seed germ in soil because they werent up yet and he didn't know what the hell he was talkin about,its day 5 now and still nuthin,any shamans out there lookin for a job with free room and board (3'x3' space so you better be small!)

lol that is the worst pile of crap info that I have read in along time!! But it was hilarious, I pitty the fool that follows this grow bible. Lol Good jokes man.

-MRGreenThum