Dee's Diary.

Things have been very rocky between Butch and I. It's time I wonder how long we can gon with all the arguments we've been having. I have just about given up hope on our relationship. He's so demanding and forceful anymore that I'm not sure what he really wants from. He gets so uptight about things and then he doesn't want to talk about them. It's really a trying situation for me. I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'm not even sure who I love and who I don't or if I'm even myself. I feel so confused. I need someone to talk with but I'm not sure there is anyone. None of my friends understand. I wish there was some way that I could part everything out. I feel so dissatisfied with everything and everyone around me. I sent an Easter card to Jello and Randy. I am hoping that they'll get there and that Jello & Randy will get their cards. I can't believe how often that I think of Randy. I didn't think that his friendship had meant so much to me. I am sort of hoping Randy will call me but not charge the call to me. If he sends me a postcard from Las Vegas I'll be very happy. I'm sure Butch won't be to happy if he sends me anything but he'll get over it. I sometimes worry that Butch has been reading this little book with all my notes and all. If he is he probably gets the wrong impressions of things. Oh well! I can't really stop him. I can't wait until my birthday. I'll be 19 years old. Finally getting a job because they finally don't think I'm old enough or mature enough. People seems to think that with age comes maturity but that's not always true. I want a job so bad. Why can't I get one? I must be stupid, ugly, uncoordinated, or bad. I've tried for months and I don't have anything but disappointments to show for it. I wrote a letter to Benny and sent it as I mentioned the other day and when I think about it I wish I would have had the nerve to mention that I'd like some help from him in getting a car or sending me some money to have my dentist paid off. For some reason I continually have the urge to move out and get away from everyone. I am wondering what Mom would do if I did that. If I had a job that would be possible but I don't have a job. I can't believe all that is happening. Butch is supposed to be getting $6.00 an hour sometime here soon at the Mercury. When he does I'll be cut totally from SRS and that also means that I must find a job. Getting someone to hire me is close to impossible though. Nobody seems interested enough. Butch hasn't received a letter or a call from his parents in Months. At least not since Christmas. His grandmother in Carolina called while I was away but that was all.

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I analyzed my handwriting tonight and I was really shocked at what I learned about myself. I'm not a professional so I didn't catch everything. Here's how it went: Business sense, imagination, good judgment, sensibility, extravagance (being in excess, spending too much), Ambition to Dominate, Amiability (good natured, cordial, agreeable, friendly), and adventurous. I question a few of them such as good judgment, adventurous, and extravagance. I guess in some ways I question ambition to dominate, although I can see where each are a part of my personality. I also did Butch's writing and I was surprised at his, because I had never put him into that kind of light. Here's how his went: Indecision secretiveness, live for the Present, some temper & some self-confidence. Butch and I have been together for 2 years now and we ended up having a fight tonight. Our relationship is really driving me crazy. I'm getting more confused every day about what is going to happen between us. There is nothing I seem to do that is right for us any more. I wish we would either end it or quit our fighting. I can't stand to fight. I can't stand to argue and I hate it when Butch and I hassle each other. For some reason I am getting the impression that the end is very near for Butch & I. After 2 years we're getting on each others nerves. He works all day but when he comes home he drives me crazy. He never used to do that. Suddenly I am thinking of other guys such as: [I'm going to cut the last names for length, and because I don't often include the less common ones.] Stewart, Randy, Joey, Rodney, Daryl, Mark, Doug, Keith, Doug, Dave, Scott, Jerry, Dave, Rodney, Larry, Dean, Tony, Glen, Mark, Brent, Lynn, Butch [another], & Wayne, All the guys I had a crush on that was my age or older, all of course, but for Brent, he was young, but a really nice guy. A lot of the guys had crushes on me too, but they never did anything about it. If I had stayed there, things were beginning to happen so I probably would have gotten to go out with some of them. I knew I wasn't ugly but the problem was that I didn't have money. I can remember having crushes on guys that didn't even know who I was. That was really crazy of me. Like when I had that crush on Skip. Man was he a hunk! [It felt really gay to type that.] There were some guys that liked me, but I couldn't stand them. Like: Bobby, Roy, Randy, Wade, Billy, Sheldon, Hal, Roy, Jerry, Gary, Ricky, Harry, Mark, Glen, Wayne, and I couldn't forget Chet. They all made me sick. The two guys I had a crush on the longest was Tony and Stewart. Oh well that's enough for all the old memories.

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Last night I was reminiscing about all those other guys and all my crushes. I am still undecided as to what to do about all the fighting Butch & I do. I got an offer from Bond Industries/CPP to mail sales letters from home.According to their letter I can earn from $219 to $231 a week doing this. I am seriously considering this. If I do then I can get a job as a part-time bookkeeper or something and Butch & I can still make it. He has been working full time at the car dealership so his paycheck will be bigger. If I can make ends meet plus some I will begin to put money away for a car and for some things to buy for my hopechest. I also want to buy some new clothes. I pray to God that everything works out okay. If I can make a little money I'll feel a lot better than I do now. Not having a job is really putting me in the dumps.

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So much has happened, there is so much that I must catch up on. I've put in tons of applications and all I have received for my efforts is a constant flow of refusals. My birthday went well. I got a lot of gifts. Butch gave me a necklace & ear ring set, a pair of amethyst ear rings, a bracelet, and a nice dinner at the Country Kitchen. Mom gave me an expensive pair of boots ($50.00) with a peacock feather sewn on the front calf part. Last night, Shannon, Butch, Mom & I went up to the high school to see Leroy VanDyke. It was really an enjoyable evening. Then Butch & I went out for supper & a beer. Butch & I are going to get married. We are trying for June 26, 1982 but it may have to be put off until August 26, 1982. I have so much to do & so much that needs to be planned. The wedding cake, my dress, arrangements, & of course getting our license. I have approximately 120 people to invite.

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Louis541 said:

Dude, can you write a short blurb about what happens to this girl to make her so interesting? I'm having trouble finding the motivation to read it and find out, to be honest.

Could be a really interesting story, I would hate to miss out.

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tebor said:

I read it because I'm the nosey/peeping time/voyeur type.

I cant beleive she's gonna marry Butch.
It will never work out.

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Brevity said:

WHAT DO YOU MEAN. Damn...

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tebor said:

She's obviously unhappy with him, and he with her.
The marriage is doomed, if they even go through with it.

And what was she doing when she went out of town? Stripping? Turning tricks?

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tom__420 said:

Maybe reading it would help?
Do you react the same way when you hear people talking about a new movie you haven't seen yet?

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Brevity said:

SUICIDE!!

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