Dee's Diary.

I'm gonna put white icing on the cake and put some decorations that pertain to Christmas. I don't have any idea what I'm getting for Christmas. Butch got me a small calculator. I have already received the calculator. But it is already under the tree. We have already used the calculator. I have been having all kinds of problems with my pregnancy. I wish I had less problems with being pregnant. This Christmas has been a most depressing one. There doesn't seem to be anything to be happy about. I am trying very hard though. Tonight doesn't even seem to be Christmas Eve. I wish I had money to be able to give Mom and Butch a better present. I haven't been able to get Mom something extremely nice for a long time. I didn't have anything at all to give Mom for her birthday. I wasn't able to give Butch something special for his birthday or for Christmas. I would have liked to give Mom a wall clock or a set of ladies longhandles(thermal) For Butch I would like to have gotten him a belt and shirt. It would have been nice to have been able to buy Grandma + Grandpa a Christmas present. Butch and I put snaps on a western shirt for a Christmas present. Butch got kicked out of school back in October and when Mom went to get him back into school she found out that Linda (Butch's Mom) had given Mr. Benson the order to expel Butch on a permanent basis. Butch was very upset. Mr. + Mrs. Brown are acting as though Butch doesn't really exist in their world anymore. They won't even help out on his education bill. His mom is always saying how Butch has hurt her but she doesn't stop to think of how much she has hurt Butch. She did get his a present for Christmas which I find most suprising. Mom has managed to get Butch back into school. There isn't much that Mrs. Brown writes to me that doesn't make me mad. She acts like she has to take out the anger she feels for Butch on me.

Click to expand...

For Christmas I received 2 western shirts. One is a bright yellow with Red at the shoulders and a blue trim the other is Blue with yellow and red trim. Butch got me the blue one and Mom got me the yellow one. I got a lavender pullover top from Janet [Last Name omitted for privacy of original author]. Benny sent me a book entitled "The Poetical Works of Edgar Allan Poe" Mom gave me 3 long barretts and a set of small barretts in my stocking. I got a battery for my calculator as well. Grandpa and Grandma gave me a necklace with a turquoise stone. Uncle Bruce sent me five dollars for Christmas. That is all that I got for Christmas. I wish in a way that I would have got more, but I'm happy with what I got. Butch liked his coffee cup (mug) and ashtray that Mom and I gave him. He got three shirts of flannel for Christmas 2 were from his mother the other one Grandpa and Grandma gave him. He got a vest jacket for Christmas and a pair of headphones. He got a watchband and the card game Uno in his stocking from his Mom + Dad. I suppose he enjoyed himself. Christmas dinner went well. It was good to have someone else in the house on Christmas Day. Laura liked the sweater she received from us on Christmas. I was a little surprised. Laura was also surprising when I heard she got a pair of cowboy boots and was actually wearing them. What a surprise! Grandma got a beautiful peach dress with flower designs. That was a surprise as well since she usually chooses a pants suit. Laura seems to have enjoyed the book which was sent to her from Benny. Shocking! I didn't think Benny would ever please Laura. Diane was Little Miss Sunshine according to Grandma. Another surprising fact. Grandma thinks I'm going to have twins. Mom thinks as well so I have chosen more names for the baby. Shadrack Shawn and Crystal Divina. Grandpa doesn't like the name Shadrack but he won't say anything much about it I guess.

Click to expand...

I am still thinking about all the things that have happened. My thoughts go back to things that happened months ago. There is no doubt that I am very unhappy with things the way they are. I have decided that with the money Uncle Bruce sent me for Christmas I am going to try once again to try and earn some money at home. After the baby is born I want to find a job. Butch's grandmother in Hawaii, Mrs. Jerry, wrote Butch a letter that upset both Butch and I and I think Mom was a little upset with it as well. She like all the rest of Butch's family is upset with him because she was told that Butch had hurt his parents. He hasn't hurt them so deeply that they have hurt him. I wish I could explain this to her. I plan to write her a letter. There is one thing that really gets me in her letter, that is a comment made about Butch staying with us.

[Following is a copy of her letter to Butch]: Dear Butch: Well I do hope one day you will outgrow your nickname, it is a little boy's name. Your letter made me unhappy, so this one will probably make you unhappy too. You hope I will not be shocked about you getting Dee pregnant. No that does not shock me, what does shock me is the fact that you were kicked out of school and fired from your job at Taco Hut, before your Mom left, and have not gotten a job yet. This is the best time of year to find a job if you want to. Too lazy? You have chosen to remain with Dee, would you do so if her mother wasn't supporting you? She is making it too easy for you, she should be charging you board and room. Do you also intend to allow her to feed and clothe your child when it is born and pay the bills? Just between you and I, where is your manly pride? I am ashamed of you. Instead of trying to get back in school, get a job full time and go to school at night if you have the guts to do it. Making a baby is easy, feeding and clothing it is a deep responsibility. How can you place this burden on Dee's mother? I'll bet if her father was in the same house, you would not be there. Maybe this sounds tough but I have to wake you up to your responsibilities. You have hurt your parents so deeply I don't think they will ever get over it. I am sending a $5.00 check as a Christmas gift. Please use the money to buy gas to find a job. I do not feel in the mood to write Dee at the present time, if and when you start acting like a man, I will write her. Love Gram. [End of letter, returning to Dee's entry]:

I am going to write Mrs. Jerry and Benny a letter. I am unsure how to do or say how I feel each must know that I am praying that God will help me and make the best out of what is already a bad situation.

Click to expand...

I have had delivery pains off and on for a couple of days. I had delivery pains January 2 real late and then on 2 other nights. I've been catching hell from every side imaginable. It seems almost as if I'm not wanted or needed anymore. We went shopping for the baby and I got some bottles, nipples, bottle covers + lids, Q-Tips, baby oil, baby powder, 7 bibs, vaseline, clotch diapers and diaper linens, a diaper pail, a diaper bag, some ointment and some wet ones.

Click to expand...

I had the baby January 11th on Sunday. I started having delivery pains in church. We got home and Mom called the Ambulance and I was taken to Memorial Hospital. My labor pains lasted for 6 hours. At 5:38, Shannon Dwayne [Last name omitted] was born. He weighed 5 lbs 14 3/4 oz. He was 18 inches long his chest was 12 3/4 inches; his head was 11 inches.

Click to expand...

Things had been running smoothly until the last few weeks. Mom and I had a big fight. She really doesn't want me living in her home. She thinks that I never do anything. No matter what I do it is never enough. It would be better if I just dropped dead. She feels I failed her because I got pregnant with Shannon. She told me it would suit her just fine if I moved out. Things are really in a rut. Butch and I are falling apart. He wants to move to Arizona with Sam [Last name omitted] and his family. He says he only wants to go down there because he can get a job working at a newsprint place/ He wants to go down there and work long enough to get a car, his motorcycle fixed, and some left over. He tells me that he will come back but I doubt it.He told me that he didn't want to go through life knowing that he had a son running around somewhere. Who knows? He doesn't pay much attention to Shannon anyway.[And why the fuck do you expect him to until it can walk and talk and shit in a toilet?] I got an answer back from Butch's grandmother in Hawaii. She practically cussed me out. She wrote all kinds of nasty things in the letter to me. She wrote that the only reason she ever wrote Butch to begin with was because she wanted to help his mother. She jumped my case about Linda. She insinuated I didn't tell her the truth. The nerve of some people, but that isn't the half of it. She doesn't think Butch has a right to admire or move her. She condemned me because my grandparents offered and are helping me in some ways to support Shannon. She wrote that she thought both of us should grow up and do it fast. Butch didn't want me to answer her letter, so I have not. It hurt a great deal when I received her letter and it hurt me even more not to be able to say anything back. She also insinuated that we had ask her for money. I wouldn't ask her for money if she was the last person on this earth. Butch's mom sent a card to both of us about Shannon's birth but when she wrote the letter today she never once mentioned the Shannon that I know of. I guess that is because he is a part of me. It is a shame that Shannon is a part of me. Well one day I plan to fade from the picture. Then no one will ahve to worry about me anymore. Then maybe Butch's Mom, Butch's grandma, Mom, Grandpa + Grandma, Benny, and Butch won't have to worry about being disappointed, angry or upset with me. Butch will probably be a lot better off without me. I don't belong anywhere anymore. I just want to crawl in a hole and forget about existing anymore. I have really changed a lot. Anymore I just don't care what happens to me. If I were dead I think it would be better for everyone. It seems that there is no one that I can ever please. I am unsure but I don't think that I have mentioned that I am now the secretary for the Manhattan Gem + Mineral Club. In June, I am supposed to go to Salina to go to Brown + Mackie College. I don't even think I'm going to graduate from high school. Things are really a little on the ridiculous side... I seem to be the last person anyone wants to see or cares about. Everyone makes most of my decisions for me.

Click to expand...

I haven't wrote in here for so long. There is so much to write. I won't be able to go to Brown Mackie because it will cost too much. I had to drop all but two of my classes at high school. I have only a first + sixth hour now. Which means I only have Office Practice [What the fuck type of a class is that? We definitely don't offer that class now.] and Britisth Literature.[Cool class I took it, but she had other opinions] What a drag! Shannon stays home with me. Butch or Mom take care of him while I'm in class. He is really spoiled and expects to be held most of the time. Sometimes he really gets on my nerves, but I try and it helps when you know deep down that you really love your child. I've aged a great deal since I was pregnant & the first stages of his life. I feel a lot older almost as if I was 25 or 30 years old. I finally received a letter in March from Shawn Lastname. I had began to think something had happened to her. Joyce Lastname[no relation to previous lastname] wrote me the first letter in many months, although I had received a card from her in December. She had nothing to say and no explanations of the picture. She is really a stranger to me now. I hardly know her and unfortunately in some ways I wish I didn't. I still haven't found a job. Although Wal-Mart seemed to assume me a job after the college leaves in May I am doubtful. The car blew up in Feb. and Grandpa sold it, the Ford & his truck to buy a Dodge Van that costs 14 thousand. I have gotten so I can't stand Grandma & all her bragging. She has gotten so a person can hardly stand her. I seldom go up there & I used to always go there. Grandma acts like a child most of the time. Grandpa may have cancer, but the test have not come back yet. At the present I have strept throat & am still attending class. Butch & I are on a most rocky relationship. One day it is good and the next is who knows. Butch needs to grow up, settle down & learn to accept responsibility. He has no job and sometimes I wonder if he ever will.

Click to expand...

A very miserable day. The weather is beautiful. If only I could be in a beautiful mood. I left the house very early this morning. No one seems to care so why stay at home. I am assuming it is over between Butch and I. He didn't want me to touch him or even sleep near him last night or this morning. I slept on the floor for most of my sleeping hours last night. I want to cry but there are no tears. Butch never stays at home and acts as though Shannon means nothing to him. I wonder now if I'm not pregnant again and if I am I'll kill myself rather than have his baby. I might would keep it if he trated his first child as though he cared. He's going to go to California but I don't know how soon he's leaving. I left the house yesterday and went to the library. Butch went to the movies with Billy or supposedly. I want to leave this place and all memory of Butch. I wish I knew what went wrong. He never talks to me. I don't exist except in the imagination of people. I seem to be invisable[spelling wrong in original] and only seen when someone wants something or wants to yell. I've never needed someone as much as I've needed Dr. Lastname. I wish he was here. I wish there was something...anything that would bring him back to me. I am think of writing him a nice long letter. Oh, I pray to God that I can one day return to a normal happy life. I think the only time I've been happy was when I was a child and the first year after Mom left Tom. I have strept throat and can't seem to be able to get rid of it. Right now I guess I just don't care. It doesn't matter to me what I have or how long I have it, or even if it gets worse. I can't imagine being happy anymore. There doesn't even seem to be a reason to smile anymore. I am sitting in the Sunset Cemetary. I seem at peace anymore in a cemetary. Maybe it's just because I feel as dead as the people in there that are buried. I wish I could forever sleep and never have to wake up.

Click to expand...

Yesterday was my birthday. I got a model Jeep(from Dukes of Hazzard) from Butch, early. Then he gave me 3 dollars. Mom gave me a twenty to buy some article of clothing and a present for Angie. I finally decided on a pair of white Wrangler jeans with blue trim(sewing/stiching). I have decided to try and make some extra money by decorating cakes and avertising in The Poor Richard's Trader. Back to my birthday. I received an early card from Ethel Lastname and Mom gave me a card she had originally got for my 16th birthday and found after my 17th. She really almost lost it again. It was a really lovely card. I found out that my senior announcements could have been here Friday. But I didn't find out about them until today. I am going to be busy for a few days with sending them out. I have a vocabulary test today and a make up assignment which concerns me have to write a 14 line Sonnet of Shakespeare from MEMORY! Imagine that! I will be working at the Education Center across from the high school in a week or so, but I won't be getting paid for it. Hopefully this will help me find a job much faster. A good paying job.

Click to expand...

Saturday was the (full name of city starting with M) MHS prom. It was held at the College Union. The band was horrible. I didn't have a very enjoyable evening at all. Butch wore a black and white tucksedo. [I wonder if she meant tuxedo?] The pants were black with a black stripe down the leg. His vest was black. A white shirt without ruffles, and a white jacket with black trim and black shoes. He didn't get his hair cut but he was a beauty to see. [I am wondering how you can tell if black pants have black stripes] He wore a small red rose on his lapel. I wore a blue taffeta dress covered with blue lace (light blue), a lace shaw pinned to my strapless dress with a rhinestone crown. I wore my rhinestone necklace & bracelet set. I wore white stone earrings. White spike heels. I wore a light pink rose attached to my shaw and dress. I wore a large red rose in my hair. Shannon(child) is really growing. He tries to grasp things now. He is a pretty smart child. He tries to crawl but hasn't gotten the hang of it yet. There is not enough time in the day to have enough to spend with him. He is such a little dear. So adorable. I have been working at the City Board of Education District #[ommited for identification]. It is a part of my first hour (office Practice Class). I started there the 27th day of April. My father sent a card in response to my graduation announcement. It was rather disgusting. They have another son(Curtis). Oh well! I was disappointed that his new wife signed it.

Click to expand...

I've received $55.00 so far in gifts for graduation. It doesn't seem like I should expect much more. Surprising enough Butch's mom sent me $10 for graduation. I can't believe it. She must really hate me. I'm sure she doesn't really like having me with her son. Maybe I won't be much longer. Butch & I are just falling apart. He demands so much from me. I don't ever seem to get anything in return. It really doesn't seem like we'll ever get married. I feel so left out and unwanted. He tells Mom more stuff concerning us or him than he tells me. It really hurts I want to just hide anymore. It seems nobody cares. Mom pressures me so much to go to college, but I can't it takes money and that's something I never have enough of. I must be a terrible person because I applied at Continental Roofing for a job and they have never called back. It gets really discouraging. I don't know what to do, it seems like I'll never get a job. Butch even thinks I'm dumb. It's hard to believe that I can't even play chess. [What the fuck does chess have to do with anything?] Nobody ever seems to think that I can do anything right. Mom and I are back to not being able to get along. She probably won't even go to my graduation. [Prediction: Doubt it. Mothers get pissed but still care.] I feel deserted like I don't exist. I've decided to start a book and see if I can succeed at that. I already have a book started but I want to have one based on my life. Butch always wants to know what is wrong but when I tell him he just turns his back. I wish I could be invisable[spelling in original], what a thrill at least. I wouldn't get hurt so much. People wouldn't see me so they couldn't ask questions & snub me. It seems that I've been snubbed all my life. [All I can tell 'snubbed' means is that it's negative, other than that, what the fuck?] I've been running around with Donnie Norman, he's a GI from the base. Butch runs around with him also. I can't stand being here anymore. I just can't hack it.

Click to expand...

To put this up to date with what I've gotten for Graduation here is a list: Utha - a card & $25.00 ck., Linda - a card & $10 ck., Bruce - a card & $5.00, Tom & Family - a card, Anna - a letter & card & $10.00, Caroline - a card & $5.00. I'm not expecting much more from those that received invitations. I opened a savings account here in the city. I now have a deposit of $40.00. I have $15.00 more that is to be deposited, maybe. That will give me a balance of $55.00. At least that's a start. I was hoping to get at least $100.00 for graduation. It is almost unbelievable how things are shaping up. I still ahve some invitations to hand type up. I'm just going to us[e] notebook paper & put the same thing as my original announcements.[error period?] Read. I sent 40 announcements and made 3 verbal announcements. So hopefully I'll get some good out of my troubles.

Click to expand...

It has been a while since I last took time to consider all the things that have happened. I graduated May 28, 1981 from MHS. Waiting to see if I received a diploma killed me. I did however graduate and received my diploma June 5th, 1981. I have made many futile attempts at getting a job since my graduation. All my attempts have been useless & I am beginning to get totally disappointed. I managed to clear $230.00 for graduation. Benny gave me a check for $100.00 which I am to spend only on school. It is really unbelievable. He took me, mom, Butch & Shannon out to dinner for graduation. His whole attitude was rather cold and distant, but what else could I expect. I tried writing a story for Guide Post, but failed. They rejected my efforts. I am now going to try one thing I haven't tried yet - Cake decorating - I must admit that I have no confidence in making a success. I hope to, get some money, but I doubt if I do. Butch's mom used to make money making cakes but I haven't the confidence she possessed. Vo-Tech is to notify me next month as to when I get to go to school. I am hoping that I'll start in August or September. If I dont we're out of a SRS check for the months of September - December and most likely January as well. All my hopes and dreams of buying my own car and house has went down the tubes in reality they're just empty dreams now. Butch works at Burger King now but he's not making much money. It is really a pain in the neck. He's not succeeding in saving any money even though I'm trying to help him. I have to decorate a cake for Sunday. Benny will be in & Diane has planned a get together which will involve: (long-ass list of names we haven't heard so far in the diary, and Butch, Mom, G + G, Shannon, and I). A family reunion, almost. Enough to make me thoroughly upset and very nervous. I finally rceived a letter from Josephson a few weeks ago. They are moving and I will have to wait God knows how long to hear from them again. I finally received my yearbook from Maryland. It was a lovely surprise. I wish I would have received it a long time ago. I wrote Stewart a letter but I doubt if I will ever get a letter from him. I had thought I was over him but I found out recently that I'm not really, although he's a part of my past and should probably always remain. Butch & I are having our ups & downs. Sometimes I feel like he never really sees me almost as though I don't exist. It is hard for me to understand him at times. I often feel that he's only using me, but what do I know. Butch told me one night that he was tired of having sex with me. I still don't understand how he meant what he said. From what he said I had understood he was tired of me. He denied being tired of me. Sometimes I find him rather confusing. [Maybe it has something to do with changing what he said and starting an argument with him without considering what he actually said.] He is so different from other guys I know.

Click to expand...

I am going to try to finish what I started yesterday and I have sent many inquiries and so far it turned out to be a failure. I don't seem to get very far or it turns out to be something I am not interested in. Getting a job & making money seems to be a very hard thing for me to do. We are in bad need of money. If we are to get car and house I must ave a hob and good paying one at that. I want to buy a baby bed for shannon and some clothes. I also need some money to come up with for his christmas present not counting the things I want for mom and butch, I also hbave to get g&g something plus whoevers name I get. It is hard to say Ill ever get enough money. Plus I'll need some new clothes since I'll be going to vo-tech. I wanted to get butch some tools some clothes and a knife. I sent a letter in the mail todayt to inquire about and ad that indicated travel for free and earn from a world o sec. I don't have high hopes of getting anywhere but I am hoping that somewhere something will turn up. Butch is trying to go back to manhattan high and is he doesn't succeed he'll go get a GED. and then I understand he wants to go to vo tech. to study auto mechanics. I have so much I want to do and it feels hopeless.

Click to expand...

I started Vo-Tech on August 17, 1981.

Click to expand...

I have so much to write to catch up on all that has happened. I quit Vo-Tech on November 9, 1981. There was so much homework and once I got home everyone refused to let me do much of it. Then to top it all off my mother began to bitch about the money it was costing her for me to go. I now owe her $140 dollars. [She did combine $ and the word dollars] Then she wasn't happy about anything. She complained because the house wasn't clean and it wasn't any thanks to her because she refused to do anything using the excuse that she worked. I have no idea what she thought of my going to school. She seemed to think I could perform miracles.

Finally it got to much and I quit. Considering I received pressure from school too. It just was more than I could handle. Butch is going to school and works at [Car dealership] Mercury. I am really hoping that he can keep this job. Mainly because mom insists that he'll quit school or be thrown out and get fired from his job. It's impossible to get her to have any confidence in him at all. Mom and I do not get along at all anymore.

She tries to run my affairs and this gets to be just to much for me to handle. She thinks she can forever control me but she's soon finding out that it isn't going to work. She really gets to me at times and we almost continually fight and it is because of this that I pray continually for a job and to be able to move out. It is really terrible that I am getting to hate the thought of her being at home and I often cherish the time when she is gone. There is no hope to have a relationship while I live under the same roof. I am going to apply at the Board of Education as an Attendant Secretary.

I think I have a very good chance of getting the job since I've already worked there once even if it wasn't for money. They will pay $3.71 an hour and that's the best pay I've heard of so far. If I get the job there are only a few things left for us to get (Butch & I) and then we'll be set to move out. Christmas is fast approaching and I have all my shopping finished. I would have liked to have more money to spend on Butch, but I guess it really doesn't matter. If I get the job I'm going to ask Benny if he will help me get a car. and me pay him so much a month until I have the debt paid off. We need a car real bad and I guess that's the only way we're going to get it. I have alot [a lot] of debts to pay off already, but this one is worth it. God I pray help me and Butch make ends meet comfortably.

Click to expand...

Shannon turned 11 months old yesterday. He is really growing to be a tall and intelligent child. We have the whole living room fully decorated. I had Butch & Mom go buy a bottle of Southern Comfort [Fuck yeah! to SoCo.] yesterday. We each mixed a drink before we went to bed. I've played Christmas music at night a lot lately. I'm really trying to get into the Christmas spirit. I baked mem [?] cookies last night and I hope to make a few more kinds of cookies yet before Christmas. I still have some wrapping to do yet but other than that my shopping is finished. I finished my set of pillowcases and sheet that I have been embroidering for so long, on Thursday. I will soon be finished also. I bought a set of 4 placemats and 4 matching napkins to embroidery that I'm going to have Butch put the trim on them with fine crochet. He's working on a latch-hook rug that has an owl design on it.

Click to expand...

It doesn't seem like Christmas was only 4 days ago. In fact it hardly seems like we had Christmas at all. I got a lot of different things for Christmas. Butch gave me a bell,(that plays 3 different tunes to put in my hope chest) a clutch purse, and a night gown. And in my sock he gave me a pretty heart necklace and a small Rubic Cube. Mom gave me a blue shell sweater, a blue crinkle top, and 2 bottles of perfume in my sock. Grandma & Grandma [Grandpa?] gave me a wool type skirt (pleated) with matching corduroy vest. Benny gave me a pullover sweater and a real pretty dress blouse. Laura gave me a real dress blouse of pink. And of course Butch's (grandmother) Fay & Herb gave me a real nice gold tone necklace. They also sent $2.00 for Shannon. Butch got a pair of Cowboy boots, a shirt, red with beige design from Mom, a pair of leather gloves from both me and Grandpa and Grandma, a nice shirt from elton, a pullover shirt from fay, a robe from me and in his sock he received a box of candy from me and a bar of soap from mom. I also gave him a bar of soap. [Maybe he smelled really bad ha ha] Shannon got a lot of things for Christmas. A box with plastic alphabet, 2 balls, a plastic bat, a plastic toy toothbrush and toothpaste set, a set of wood block, some pup[?] beads, socks, a biv[?] suit of corduroy, a sweat suit, 3 pairs of pants and a warm up suit but it was too little. I really need a job. Things are getting worse and worse each day. I have a lot of things that I need and Shannon always needs something. This house really gets to me. Nobody hardly ever does anything. If I don't do it, it doesn't get done. There is always so much to do. We drew names at Christmas and Butch drew Diane and I drew Mary and I don't remember who Mom picked but I think it was Jim. Christmas was okay for the most part, but Chris & Diane did not really get into the activity. Chris personally thanked Butch for the shirt him and I picked out for Chris. I sent a gift to each of Butch's family but didn't receive anything in return. It doesn't seem to matter to them that Shannon has their son's blood in him.

Click to expand...

There is a lot that I have to catch up on since I last took time to jot anything down. I landed a strange job on Feb 23, 1982. I left [town] that night and was in [another town] late that night. A man named Wilson hired me and he had some ideas in store for me other than being my boss. He tried many things to make passes at me but fortunately nothing worked. I met a guy named Randy and he proved to be a real sweet guy. [?] From that town we went to Gaymon, Oklahoma and spent 7 days there. March 3, 1982 my boss Rick made arrangements to send me home and away from Wilson. He gave me $40 toward the money it would take to get home. I spent all that day and night traveling. I arrived back in town at 6:15 am and was at home by 6:30 am. Since that time Butch and I have fought a lot, in fact we fight far too much. At times I wonder if we really love each other. Butch claims he loves me but I wonder if it's only a sexual attraction. I often wonder whether I really love Butch anymore. There is only one way to know whether or not I really love Butch, but that way is not easy. I have to go away where I won't be able to see Butch. But wherever I go it has to be someplace where I'll have a chance to think. Randy asked me to marry him when he called yesterday. I couldn't believe that! I hardly even know him, all I do know about him could be written on one side of a piece of paper in BIG letters. I think he's really sweet, but it's far too early think about marriage. He also wants me to come down and do all of his paperwork for him after he becomes manager. I'm not sure if I can do that or not. It would mean taking one heck of a chance. There's no telling. He'll probably change his mind by the time he becomes a manager. He really works for that goal of manager, but I wonder if he'll get it as soon as he thinks he will. I pray to God that he sends me the kind of man that I need. Randy is sweet but I wonder if he's any good for me. In January I had 2 root canals and today I have to go get impressions made for the crowns to cover them. Shannon's birthday wen't over smoothly, but that's about all I have to say about it. Randy's description is a simple one. He is about 5'10'' with brown hair and blue eyes. His hair is somewhat short (but not GI style) and very soft. He's thin, but carries a little excess weight from all the alcohol he drinks. There are many faults he has and I'm afraid to even try to change them. Randy is from Georgia, I don't remember the town he's from. He's supposed to send me a picture of himself. This call Sunday came as a complete surprise. I thought he had totally forgotten me or didn't care any more. It was really strange. I thought about him a lot. But when he asked me to marry him I was shocked. He really sounded serious, but who knows. I gave my address to a lot of the people down there, but since most of them are guys I doubt if any of them will ever write. They also have my phone number so there's a chance some of them may call me. Randy said that they were going to Las Vegas. So I imagine they'll all be busy there so if any of them plan to call it won't be before sunday. I called about a job a few minutes ago they had already hired a person, but hey plan to hire another after April 10, 1982. So maybe I'll get a job. It seems like an ideal job since they want a person who doesn't smoke. I'd be taking orders, typing, and dealing with all types of people. I have a lot of letters to write. I wrote a letter to Benny yesterday and I'll send it today. I didn't have the nerve to ask for money so I'm hoping he'll send me some money for my birthday or a car. I hinted about a car & I hinted about my birthday. He'll probably miss both hints. [This is written with a different pen, but the one previous didn't seem to be running out of ink at all, so I imagine this is later that day, or before March 20 at the least.] Butch is going to see if he can get me a job at the Mercury dealership. I have already filled out an application.

Click to expand...