A Book I'm Writting

Totoe

Totoe

Well-Known Member
Dude, this is brutal to read. I feel like your awful writing is an assault on the language device in my brain. You need to go take some writing classes.
 
The Outdoorsman

The Outdoorsman

Well-Known Member
Too cluttered.

I honestly gave it an effort but you lost my interest after the first chapter.

Too descriptive to be speaking from a dogs perspective.

Maybe if I was your facebook friend and personally knew the author I would give it a better chance. But for anyone else it just doesn't flow right.

Gather your ideas and put them in order.

You can shorten some of the sentences. Being too descriptive makes it sound like you're trying too hard.
 
Finshaggy

Finshaggy

Well-Known Member
The Outdoorsman said:
Too cluttered.

I honestly gave it an effort but you lost my interest after the first chapter.

Too descriptive to be speaking from a dogs perspective.
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I can't click enter on RIU for some reason it doesn't work. Otherwise I would have indented and stuff. And it's not to descriptive to be from a dogs point of view, because the dog is telling the story from the future, where he can speak English and is a part of Earthling society.
 
Finshaggy

Finshaggy

Well-Known Member
woody333333 said:
u should nobody wants u here...................as a matter of fact after looking around im pretty sure the entire internet hates u
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Yeah, but whenever I'm gone for more than 2 weeks, you can always count on someone making a "Where's FinShaggy" thread. Go ahead and look it up :lol: Just search "Where's FinShaggy".
 
Finshaggy

Finshaggy

Well-Known Member
I have actually left this site multiple times, and every time I come back I am greeted kindly by everyone but Buck and like 2-3 other people. It just seems Buck wen crazy when I came back this time and started making fake facebook pages, and sending PM's to people to tell them to come troll me (people told me they got messages, they didn't say who from, but if I had to guess I'd say Buck is the best bet). So this time there is a larger force of like 10-15 of you. :lol: But you'll get bored eventually, or realize what you are really doing and go cry while I keep making money :lol:
 
Finshaggy

Finshaggy

Well-Known Member
This happened once before when Buck found my Facebook and started making memes. It only lasted like 3 days, then you all realized I was happy with the memes and all the trolls left me alone (except Buck and my other hardcore fans :lol: )
 
RainbowBrite86

RainbowBrite86

Well-Known Member
This was terrible Shaggy. I'm sorry but it was. I *almost* made it to the end. I made it just past the child and mother being slaughtered by a pseudo angel thingy. You can't go back and forth...either he's telling it from the future and he's now intelligent enough to tell the story in it's entirety, or he's a damn dog who doesn't understand what's going on. How can he be so informed about Africa for crying out loud, but not about the humans he sees daily? And how could we NOT know he's a dog if he was barking? You seemed impressed someone figured that out...it sounds like a story you're telling around a campfire. "But just at that moment....!" "But what they DIDN'T know was..."
 
RainbowBrite86

RainbowBrite86

Well-Known Member
Oy. OK I just finished it. In this very short story so far, you have changed time, setting, point of view, and perspective rapidly. You have no "sympathetic" characters, no one that captivates your audience and makes them want to connect to said character. Who is the protagonist? Who IS the character? What is THEIR quest? The reason for this story? You haven't set up any relevant story line at all. What is this dog doing exactly? Is he just trying to survive? Is he trying to get somewhere? You haven't set up any kind of story yet. Who is the antagonist? Who is the person or thing the protagonist has to overcome? The war? The aliens? Religion? It's like you haven't actually picked a story at all...try sticking to what's necessary to the story. Otherwise, these little side notes that aren't important to the story make it long-winded and difficult to follow. Does it matter that Africa and America were fighting? I mean...you bring up an entire new war. You bring up World War III! And for such a HUGE thing like a World War, you just glaze over it. And now it doesn't even matter, because alien angels are here with purple goo. Pick ONE story and go with it. You're trying to combine all these stories together. You insult the intelligence of the reader by writing as though they couldn't *possibly* understand. Well. People don't read books they can't understand. Structure is very important in any story and this particular story lacks structure all-together. What in the hell is the conflict in this story?? What is the ONE...MAIN...conflict in this story? No plot, everything is just happening. I mean, you can start a story in the middle of a setting and make up for it, but so far there's been no "story". And all these statements you're trying to make in this story (i.e. religion bad, America bad, humans bad, weed good....) it's like....you've taken everything that you rant about and tried to wrap it up in this one story. Put simply, start smaller. Try writing a short story about this dog. Like...the dog in the church...or him meeting Charlie (I think that's his name)...take that one day and make it a short story so that you get some practice writing from your dog's point of view. It's better to make one really good point with your book, then a hundred different ideas you feel need addressed in society slammed in between two hard covers. One good idea that a hundred people read is more effective than a hundred good ideas that no one reads. (Don't run with that, now...I am not calling these "good ideas").
 
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