MarijuanaMomma
Member
I open my heart to love, or I close it off with hatred
I open my mouth, my voice isnt there, I long to speak but the words just wont come. My heart cries out for freedom, but it was denied this long ago. Now I find myself trying to fly upward through the dome of pain my heart created, and it wounds me each time I hit this self-imposed ceiling. Yet I cant break through and continue to wound myself with each whisper of freedom and escape that I carefully place in my all too open ears
I closed off my heart at some point; it became easier to walk through this world numb to it, then raw from it. There are days I long for the frigid comfort of the numbness, when this raw skin of mine continues to do nothing but bleed and rot, and wont heal
The darkness in the pain that rises up from within can be deadening and fearful. So often others see this and run from me, mistaking me for something fearful, instead of realizing I am only running from my own pain, not wishing to inflict any of it upon them. I try to protect others, certain that nobody could bare the weight of my load, yet this is no solution, it is only a new device to keep my heart broken, beaten, and defeated
I long for human touch, the love, the compassion, the value of another human being finding value and worth in my very heart and soul. Finding me important enough to fight for, to even possibly live for. Seems like such vain strife. Yet anyone who truly knows me, and few do, would instantly say vanity is not my problem in life; beaten down and battered until I felt like the cowering dog that I was in spirit, I seek hope and comfort in others, but realize I have to find it on my own, and some days seem so very dark, and nobody is leading the way out
I strain with my blurred vision, the vision this world has imposed upon me; for I dont see things as they truly are, but every experience I have ever endured colors my vision to its glorious, or distorted view today. I can see greatness, or I can see destruction, both are very evident messages that resonate loudly throughout my past, and my emotions today will color or cloud my vision of this
I seek solace still, I cry out for rest, yet I walk and run until my feet are bloodied and blistered and I still dont find it, why cant someone show me the way I contemplate often
When did I become this baby, instead of a proud warrior that I truly am and can see in the breeze when my colors are flying, tall, proud, and firm But my foundation I so carefully constructed, crumpled at my feet, and my dreams are in pieces and shattered about me. Some days all I can do is sit there sifting through the wreckage, picking up each piece turning it this way and that, searching for its soul mate, but not finding it. I simply set each piece aside and label it carefully with my love and hope once again for its return and comfort it once held for me when it was whole and happy and thriving
I long for the Summer of my soul, when my heart and soul are able to safely stretch out in the comfort of peace and joy often found in the Summer nights breezes that soften my face and caress my heart to tears
I long for healing, wholeness, to feel I belong in this world that feels more like a shaken snow globe, than a winter wonderland
The only answer that comes is to open my heart again, to open my heart again to love even if it means the door is slammed in my face, even if it happens time and again. Because closing my heart up in the pain and bitterness of yesterday , will never bring healing and hope, it will only block the melody of my souls song that it longs to sing, and I have recently found, that I truly love to sing
I open my mouth, my voice isnt there, I long to speak but the words just wont come. My heart cries out for freedom, but it was denied this long ago. Now I find myself trying to fly upward through the dome of pain my heart created, and it wounds me each time I hit this self-imposed ceiling. Yet I cant break through and continue to wound myself with each whisper of freedom and escape that I carefully place in my all too open ears
I closed off my heart at some point; it became easier to walk through this world numb to it, then raw from it. There are days I long for the frigid comfort of the numbness, when this raw skin of mine continues to do nothing but bleed and rot, and wont heal
The darkness in the pain that rises up from within can be deadening and fearful. So often others see this and run from me, mistaking me for something fearful, instead of realizing I am only running from my own pain, not wishing to inflict any of it upon them. I try to protect others, certain that nobody could bare the weight of my load, yet this is no solution, it is only a new device to keep my heart broken, beaten, and defeated
I long for human touch, the love, the compassion, the value of another human being finding value and worth in my very heart and soul. Finding me important enough to fight for, to even possibly live for. Seems like such vain strife. Yet anyone who truly knows me, and few do, would instantly say vanity is not my problem in life; beaten down and battered until I felt like the cowering dog that I was in spirit, I seek hope and comfort in others, but realize I have to find it on my own, and some days seem so very dark, and nobody is leading the way out
I strain with my blurred vision, the vision this world has imposed upon me; for I dont see things as they truly are, but every experience I have ever endured colors my vision to its glorious, or distorted view today. I can see greatness, or I can see destruction, both are very evident messages that resonate loudly throughout my past, and my emotions today will color or cloud my vision of this
I seek solace still, I cry out for rest, yet I walk and run until my feet are bloodied and blistered and I still dont find it, why cant someone show me the way I contemplate often
When did I become this baby, instead of a proud warrior that I truly am and can see in the breeze when my colors are flying, tall, proud, and firm But my foundation I so carefully constructed, crumpled at my feet, and my dreams are in pieces and shattered about me. Some days all I can do is sit there sifting through the wreckage, picking up each piece turning it this way and that, searching for its soul mate, but not finding it. I simply set each piece aside and label it carefully with my love and hope once again for its return and comfort it once held for me when it was whole and happy and thriving
I long for the Summer of my soul, when my heart and soul are able to safely stretch out in the comfort of peace and joy often found in the Summer nights breezes that soften my face and caress my heart to tears
I long for healing, wholeness, to feel I belong in this world that feels more like a shaken snow globe, than a winter wonderland
The only answer that comes is to open my heart again, to open my heart again to love even if it means the door is slammed in my face, even if it happens time and again. Because closing my heart up in the pain and bitterness of yesterday , will never bring healing and hope, it will only block the melody of my souls song that it longs to sing, and I have recently found, that I truly love to sing