i can speak from my own experience about avoiding professionals, diy-ing myself to even deeper abyss... little background: since i knew myself i was disassociating, wouldnt feel nothing at all, listen to nothing, just a constant void my whole life - coping mechanism, abused by mother, what little i was with father, he was working and i was regularly abused by stepmother, so a lot of material for later on depression, even harder disassociation, self harm, tried to kill myself couple of times, cigarettes from 12, alcohol & weed from 13, heavy drug usage since 15, you can imagine what life i lived, crashed my psyche with too much reckless living (many times no sleeping, heavy drug usage, 2 concussions while heavy on drugs, avoided death about 5 times, many times broken psyche to the point of paranoia and hallucination), tried all things everything, self examination and peeling of everything on halluciogenic drugs, self love, self care, new age energy work, tai chi, eating better, socializing, loving, myself, world (i really do), it all just comes back, i kept loosing all i build, i found myself, but i am still until this day somewhat damaged, i destroyed all my relationships, ended ones i had before i do again, from what i have learned, i probably have borderline, i went to psychologist once, told everything, my family doctor told everything to my mother, i ended on streets, barely made alive but hey, traveled trough europe working, partying, getting more fucked up, so im very stressed about going to anyone, anyway, no matter how much love you receive, knowledge, you will loop in circles, you need catarsyc moments, not self reflecting ones, you need to trow it all out, but you wont do it alone, you need to be poked, stirred, and controlably freed from all the bullshit you stuffed in there... from what i have experienced, nothing else helps... you will have ups, but your downs will come from same abyss you neglected to take care of... its funny, just look at how some people treat their plants... they ask for help, they interact with experienced people, they read, they try new things, they do all they can... thats what you must do for yourself... i will do it also... after so many breakdowns, loss of everything, but fighting till my last breath for myself, for my life, for the fucking amazement i feel when i feel alive, when i understand never ever will there be another time, another place, for me to live and to be, and there will never be another me, i feel hope and desire to continue on... last i think 8 years now, every day, i work on myself, i fail almost every day, i get up myself to where i want to be, and then that something in me just collapses, and i take myself back, i examine what happened, i remember where i want to be, and i do it again, i hated myself, i loathed myself, i hugged myself, but i never stopped... and you know what? i wish i asked for help earlier... i tought i could do it all by myself, i wanted to prove myself im strong enough, hence worth of being, it was just a god damn idiotic self hate and deprivation, i feel like soon ill be ready to step forward, go to doctors and start with my treatments... pills do help, when your in psychosis, when you fucking shake and foam like a beast, pills are the only way... but sooner or later, youll have to trow them away and stand on your own feet... ive been in psychosis (overpowered sounds, visuals, afraid of dying from every step someone made, couple of voices telling me shit, mumbling random shit to differ my voice from inner from outer), ive been so anxious i was shaking, paranoid, especially in trains with a lot of people, couldnt look people in eyes, started shaking my head, but you know what, every time i told myself: dont fall, you can do this... just do this... just, fight... you know who you are, this is not you, just let it be... and it did help... maybe its so much of disossiation i experienced, so much struggle with depression (as a kid i had to fight my own body to overcome need to stay in fetus position, usually by screaming at myself to get up), i spent so many years self observing these states, that now i can control them (im not saying for anyone to try or to do anything like that, it broke me down many times and i cant even explain how im still sane, im just giving my 2 cents)... you know, you just keep going, until you get there... as for you guys, fuck you dr kiz, no one loves you, but no one hates you also, i understand that you hate weakness you carry in yourself, and you play power/psycho/caretaker game, you need that, but you aint getting it from me.. go your way and be safe... guitarguy, mate, if its so much out of your control, you gotta seek help... not just go to doctor, go for every possibility there is until you get what you need... no one will save you, no one will do it for you, and thats for the best... you need help, you need people in life, to whom you will open, who will see something else than whatever you experienced so far, you need to break that shell, gain trust in yourself, empower yourself, get surrounded by people you can trust and who will accept you, maybe you just found two, dont be a coward, fuck your traumas and fuck those people watching you having attack, you can fucking shout all you want, who will stop you? its about you, not them, not about your problems... fight for yourself, fight every day, fight to find out what is the best version of yourself, fight to be that person every day, fight to get what you want, what is your deepest, most profound you telling the world it wants it to be! there is no end to that while youre alive! you can change it mate, it may take 20 years, but for fucks sake, these will be your years, your way of doing things! for end, i will leave you with my Secret (i really hope you dont know what im referencing here), it helped me many times, i hope it will have some value to you too, "Litany against fear" from The Dune serial:
"I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain."
Peace and love to you all, and thank you for sharing these stories... its whats makes us experience each others as humans... and we need that...
