Ok, Ill explain. I started smoking when I was around 18. I was at my friends house and he was already smoking in secret. Even I didnt know until he told me. He asked me if I wanted to smoke. I did. I remember being in his room and I took my first hit. Dont remember the strain. I smoked out of a pipe. I messed up bad and he told me how long to hold it in etc. After awhile I started getting paranoid. I felt like everybody was negatively judging me. I was a skinny guy and I started to believe everyone was judging me on that and other things. I was born to two Mexican parents and we lived in poverty but I never saw it that way (I was always happy with what I had) until I smoked my first hit of weed. I imediately fell into a depressive/paranoid state (I was diagnosed with Major depression before all of this FYI) with these thoughts in my head. I wanted to go home and be alone. I wanted the high to end. I didnt want to be in that state at all so I prayed the high would end. My friend told me I was on his bed motionless. He was scared something happened to me. After that I didnt smoke for a couple of months. He asked me if I wanted to smoke again. I gave it another shot. And It was the same thing but less intense. Well hit after hit, years after years, it was the same thing depression and paranoia. I kept smoking for awhile but I dont know why I kept smoking if it always did that to me. I tried alaskan thunderfuck one time and this was the only strain that did not make me paranoid. It felt GREAT. Then I couldnt get ahold of it anymore and back to weed that made me feel depressed and paranoid. Me and my friend started growing weed up in the mountains because we wanted to sell and just do something. We lived out in the country not many people. Say a couple hundred people. I started on Jorge Cervantes and moved on up. I fell in love with growing. Time skip... I stopped smoking weed altogether now (2 years and 6 months clean and sober from not just weed but everything. Alcohol,molly,mushrooms,meth,heroine,adderall,cocaine etc.) And I grow for fun or to sell. I love it. I always want to smoke some of the stuff I grow but I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACK TO THAT PARANOID/DEPRESSED STATE EVER. Its always the same. Once I stayed sober for two months, 3,4,5 etc. Just to take a hit thinking it will give me that alaskan thunderfuck high but NOPE. Its always the same story. Its been so long now that I think that alaskan thunderfuck experience was from another lifetime. Ive been thinking that make all the bud I smoked along the way might have been sprayed with pesticide, fungicide, etc. And thats what made me trip. I mean a noob spraying avid at week 7 flower could have harvested that shit and I smoked it for all I know. Ive been thinking and now that I grow my own, I know whats been sprayed and whats not been sprayed. Maybe Ill be fine If I smoke? I just dont want to ever be in that mindframe weed puts me in ever. That keeps me from smoking. So, now you know a person who grows weed but doesnt smoke it. What do you guys think about my experience? Maybe there's hope.I mean Ive been on the high side before, but everytime I smoke, I swear I turn into a bipolar, rapid cycler. Im happy, Im sad, im happy im sad, to the point I cant enjoy the fucking high. It happens almost every single time. I envy all of you who can feel relaxed and chill. WHY CANT THAT BE ME TOO. I even tried pure indica (body high) and it still put me into a paranoid and depressed state. Same with pure sativa. Im sorry but for me weed does not improve my quality of life one bit. In fact I feel TERRIFIED about smoking it. But boy do I love how it looks and smells. Maybe Ill try it again one day. But that maybe is not any time soon. Well see. Hopefully you guys can pitch in with similar and happier endings because today I feel so much better without smoking, just growing.