I can't even recall the last time I had a feeling of good fitness or well being

My mother is at it again being an epic bitch as usual, but she has really been trying to get at me recently.
It is as if she is trying to cause me to flip out. So obvious she is set on making sure that I feel like I should not exist. She thinks it is okay to ask me when I am going to die.
Has to remind me how I'm diabetic and that she believes I don't care and that I should just die.
She has the nerve to be rude to me, then tell me that I'm the one being rude to her.
She says I'm acting like my father, who has been deceased for years now.
My father who she divorced. Who use to talk shit about my mother and I stood up for her.
My father who charged at my mother with a fork, and I shoved a Coffey table that had wheels in front of him,
so he crashed into it and turned towards me instead of her. He once demoralized me about as epic as my mother has been as of late, then he told me fine you want to act like your mother, be that way. And now my mother has to tell me that I'm acting like my father, when in reality it is her causing problems. I am tired of her using my father and the things he did wrong as ammo against me. The things my father did wrong including how bad he fucked up with me is small potatoes compared to the things my mother has been doing. I used to be a disabled person. Deemed unable to work. Now that my mother wont back off. I am not only a disabled person, but I also can no longer function. I am broken, damaged goods, demoralized. She fucked with me far too much. I have no will to live. If my state had death with dignity I would likely do that. Although it would not be a death with the least bit of dignity. It would be more a means of salvation, a means to an end. If there was to be any dignity for me it would have to be her to die to end her blatant torment directed towards me. My world no longer exists, I suck at everything. I am here and I move through the dimensions around me but that's about it. As I walk, it is very much so like being on a treadmill. I feel like I am walking, but it has no meaning. As I walk the world around me simple goes by. Like the band on a treadmill, I walk but the ground and world simply rolls under or passed me as I walk in place, but instead of the band on a treadmill, the dimension of the world rolls by. As I drive passed parked cars, I feel that I am not moving, and that the parked cars are rolling by me. Same when I speak, my words have no meaning. As I hear others words, I can't even function enough to pick up why someone is even speaking. I simply want to be left alone and not bothered. I can't even pull myself to do simple tasks such as putting soil in a flower pot. I am trapped. Can't afford to move. Don't want to exist, don't want to die. Once again, I have nothing to lose, and nothing to look forward to. It's like being in a pit thinking this has to be rock bottom, but somehow things always manage to get worse. Then as soon as I try to climb out of the pit my mother is at the top and slams me with a boulder, while others laugh and trow stones. Anything I buy, anything I say, or do, or if I actually do manage to gain something and my mother is always there to bad mouth whatever thing had the potential to be good. I have disabilities that prevent me from working. But my mother literally makes me feel I'll to be around her. I swear she is going to cause me to have a stroke. Now that I'm trapped in her web, she wants to poison my body and soul with her cruelty.

Are you on government disability? What condition makes you disabled? I will try to help.

she needs to shut up but likely the more U say that, the more she goes at it.

i swear some folks enjoy putting down others, they wanna pick on somebody and then they turn around and claim they are trying to help the person.

i got no easy answer for U.........could try playing her game and get on her case but likely it backfire

Don't go yelling back at her, that likely will keep her going....its hard not to yell back sometimes but its like pouring gasoline on a fire

I haven't been eating much since Wednesday. I've only eaten ten bags pork rind's, two rice a roni cups, and one can of pork and beans.
I was drinking grape juice but that's gone now and other than that I've only had tap water, which I just started adding some Mio water enhancer to.
Surprisingly I'm not even hungry. But I have been thinking about food, a lot. Part of it is that I don't trust anyone. I can't seem to get in the mood to eat much
and since Wednesday I've refused to eat anything that is already open. If its not something packaged, canned, or otherwise obviously not tampered with I won't
eat it. Even my own food that I bought, if its already open I won't eat it. Maybe this is some type of shock, or survival mode after my mother messing
with me and asking me when I'm going to die. I currently do not trust her. She even bought some food. But I'm left thinking she might be up to something.
She bought two little Caesar deep dish for example and I'm like no way. I'll just buy my own food like usual, but I haven't been able to bathe, do laundry or pull myself to
go buy more food. The day that I did eat the first cup of rice, I realized that I need to not let her being negative keep me so down. Its really messed up when she is stressed so she
has to lash out at me, like as if I don't have enough stress from my own issues already. That's what I told myself anyway, but really getting my self back on track seems pointless
because I know its just a matter of time before her or my sister will start in again. Guess I need to start eating better soon because I've had nothing but colored liquid mud butt from all the
pork rind's and grape juice.

Also Yes, I am on government disabilities, SSDI / SSI. I see her attitude towards me as disabled person abuse and a hate crime because she seems to think she is better than me because of my diagnoses, same with my diabetes or any of my other issues. It is all just ammo for her to hate and be rude. As I was growing up she used to talk shit about people with mental health issues. For example we might see someone being weird and she would start talking shit about the schizoid over there. She is a bigot. I was originally on disabilities for Asperger's Syndrome which is part of the autism spectrum and major depression. Later my diagnoses got changed to Schizo affective disorder, which is schizophrenia with bi-polar effects. I don't fully agree with either diagnoses, but I would agree that I have traits from both Asperger's and Schizo affective. But now I'm confused and not sure what my diagnoses is because my doctor says I am dual diagnoses. I'm not sure if that's supposed to mean I have Asperger's and schizo affective, Or if Schizo affective alone is a dual diagnoses, being schizophrenia and bi-polar. I did read once that a person can't be diagnosed as having autism and schizophrenia. It was an article about how these conditions work in the brain and that a person would have one or the other but not both. I'm left confused and I disagree. I hate eye contact, don't talk much, usually avoid interaction, if I had to give a speech I would botch that from anxiety and being nervous, I tend to be shy especially around people I'm meeting for the first time. A lot of people don't have any idea anything is different about me till I tell them. Some people just think I'm really shy. Friends back in high school used to make fun of me and tease me and say that I would get nervous when talking to girls. What they didn't know is that I tend to be nervous talking with anyone, but could manage to interact with my friends who I went all through school with and I knew them for years. I am also depressed often which would be either the major depression or bi-polar aspect of the schizo affective. I don't sleep well or have a normal sleep cycle that I stick to. For the schizophrenia aspect, my mind links things together into one thing even if unrelated. What seems like an easy way for me to explain this is maybe something like, if neuro typical people are talking about topic yellow and then they are talking about a different topic which could be topic blue, then I come along and my mind will be like, Ahh this means topic green! And then the other people are like ehh no this was topic yellow and topic blue. But in my mind if you put the topics together you get green, and my mind is somehow wired to try and make sense of topic green which doesn't exist to other people. That's what comes to mind right now anyway. But this explanation is far from the topics and things I actually think about. My actual thoughts would be of real topics and concerns or interests, Or scenarios that I might be obsessed with and I will start to think I have figured something out that may or may not be true as I analyze things, scenarios and the such. Such as yellow and blue blended makes green, but yellow and blue might not always be blending. At the moment I can't really think of a better way to try and explain this to other people. Being diagnosed with schizo affective kind of helps because now I am aware and instead of just letting my mind go more and more into details about something that may or may not not be true. Now I find myself just laughing about some of the things I come up with. Sometimes I do link things from separate topics or scenarios together lumped into one thing and then tell someone else about what I'm thinking and other people are stunned and they realize that the things I'm saying are in fact true and I don't even realize it, so times like that are equally as bad. I hope that makes sense, I could probably come up with something better but that's what I have for now. I was hesitant to share my diagnoses because I don't want to be judged as if I'm the bad guy just because I am diagnosed. That is the type of thing my mother would do, all while she refuses to seek help herself or admit that she might have any issues her self. My diagnoses is not any excuse for how she treats me. I will admit that not eating from anything that has been opened may be a bit from paranoia, quite possibly from my issues, but again that doesn't excuse my mothers behavior which is the cause of me having these issues with my diagnoses. She is very irritating and is practically just exploiting my issues. I honestly don't know that she didn't somehow taint the food, so for now I remain hesitant. Major lack of trust, which I feel could happen to anyone after being subjected to how she act's. I would like to think that the average person wouldn't accept food from someone who recently asked them when they are going to die, along with all the other rudeness while she was lashing out.

are you on meds?

No, my doctor and I came to an agreement that i do better without meds.
I have tried many different meds, the side effects are worse than not taking meds.
I'm not sure why you want to know. If I were taking meds this wouldn't make my mother stop.

There's a bunch of meds that my doctor won't even give me because of my high blood pressure and diabetes.
A bunch of meds have a huge effect on blood pressure or glucose. I tend to have issues with getting light headed,
twitching muscles, or restless legs, erectile dysfunction. The list goes on. Pissed the bed before because they gave
me hydrochlorothiazide and seroquel at the same time. One is a diuretic, the other makes me sleepy.

^ not that surviving on eating ten bags of pork rinds over the past several days was the best thing for my blood pressure either.

Well. Do you get a check?.

If you get a check move out. If not get a job and move out.

And use paragraphs.

Pain meds actually have a better calming effect than any of the psych meds I've taken.
Schizophrenia is a thinking disorder. So when I take pain meds I go into deep thoughts
and they tend to be pleasant and relaxing thoughts that are not disturbing.
But my doctors won't prescribe pain meds off label for schizophrenia.
They are too addictive, but the effect is right, it helps.

Yeah I get a check. Not enough of a check to move out, without being homeless.
Section 8 could hurry up and come a bit faster. That 5-6 year minimum wait is a bit long.
I actually pay rent, food/board, and bills to live here. My older sibling pays nothing.

Is there a reason you don't work?

Maybe you don't have self worth because you don't have nothing to be proud of.

Hell keep the 300 hundred and go shopping your self.

Do you clean the house or do the dishes? Mowe the lawn? Cook?

These are all things you could do to build self worth.

Quit paying your mom, save and move out.

How is ss going g to withhold money? You got me confused. Is your mom your guardian? Do you have a lease with her.

What I'm getting at is you live at home and draw a check. You should be washing those dirty dishes.

I don't know what to tell you. Tried cominv up with some solutions and you keep telling why you can't.

Go get a job and do something productive and you will feel better.

Quit blaming others and your disability.

Maybe you mom is aggravated you haven't got your ass in gear.

You keep saying you can't. You won't.

I left home at 16 without a dime to my name.

You keep saying I can't. Or what's wrong with you.

There are always people looking for roommates on craigslist.

Pain meds are cool for awhile but then U get hook on them and feel worst then before

Medical Marijuana is a bit like pain meds without all the side effects

He must help out around the house/place he lives in, if not, no wonder she bitches

I'm sorry but you seem like you want a pity party.

If you want something sets goals and get off your ass and accomplish them.

600 dollar check. Rent a 200$ room, 200 in food. 100 in personal care. 100 for your self.

Its not hard. Just quit saying I can't. Say I can.

My bad, you're right. Guess I'll just keep dreaming about offing myself or whacking someone else.
As I continue to eat shit for the next couple years while I can wait for section 8 to come through.
Great plan, just wish there was a better way. I think I'm about to say enough of this and quit paying the TV and internet bill.
I've paid for that enough years already. It ought to be time for someone else to pay that. I've seen my share of porn already.
I'll keep it an eye for an eye with the same thing I was told about getting the cable internet I wanted when I got stuck with the bill.
I don't watch that much TV. If they want TV, they can pay the bill. That's the most costly part of the Comcast bill.
Good call on $200 for a room. That's about all I'm getting here is a room.
So yeah, I'll see how that goes trying to establish dominance and only pay $200,
especially considering my sibling pays nothing.
I like the way you said that, $200 for a room, and $200 for food. I would be spending $200 on food
instead of giving someone else money for food and not getting much food in return.
$200 for food is much better than $120 or so for food while dishing out that same $200.
To be honest I don't even want a car so I'm not sure why I bothered to
mention before how I can't currently afford a car payment. I'd rather buy a bike.
Goal number one: Street Bob
How to achieve goal number one: Go big or go homeless. Maybe I can do both in the process. Not so sure that will work out.
Priority to achieve goal number one: Get my ass in gear.
Must be time to put the blinders on and let the tunnel vision set in as I focus on only this years OD, nothing else matters anymore.
Block it all out and roll with the punches I suppose. Try to avoid dishing them out as I go.
But seeing how I got whipped a lot as a child by an adult, I don't feel I should think anything of it to return the favor.
I got whipped with a Texas fly swatter numerous times so hard that I was always left with welts. She might as well have been caning me.
I'm about to order one off ebay, at least mount it on the wall as a reminder to not mess with me anymore.
I feel like I have already invested in enough of those beatings, no body should decide that beating others is suddenly wrong when it becomes their turn.
I'm thinking back about the time a friends mother came over and was laughing at me and asking why I had a pentagram on my skin.
It was from the fly swatter. I also recall the time I got beat with a hair brush when the bristles went in like a bunch of needles and then
droplets of blood came out. Or the times sitting in the back seat of the car and she would reach back and squeeze while pushing in her thumb nail into my leg till I would bleed.
I have some scars on my arms from this too. This is part of why I don't want to have kids. I couldn't bear the thought of her treating another person like that again, knowing I would
have put a young one in her environment.

Similar to this brush.


And identical to this fly swatter. When the handle part broke in half during a beating, this just allowed her top whip me faster. More relentless.
The pad portion of the swatter was flexible so it really was like a whip. The star pattern and each of the plastic hash # openings on the pad would leave a welt.
Just looking at the image of this fly swatter makes me want to vomit.

Guess I'm not as much a coward as you to just run away at 16.
I stuck around and got abused much longer.