NuteGreenwitch
Well-Known Member
The following is taken from MercuryNews.com
Speaking of pork and bongs
By malcolm fleschner
Posted: 02/18/2009 12:33:00 AM PST
In the past few weeks, as the president's stimulus plan made its way through Congress, Americans were able to witness how, in a time of genuine crisis, the two political parties can set aside their petty differences to take care of the nation's urgent business:
Democrats: "You obstructionist Republicans need to stop blocking this desperately needed stimulus bill."
Republicans: "Maybe we would, if it really were a stimulus bill. But it's not, it's a pork-filled spending bill!"
Democrats: "Of course it's a spending bill that's what a stimulus bill is, you ninnies."
Republicans: "Don't call us ninnies that just shows you don't believe in bipartisanship!"
Democrats: "Really? If we didn't believe in bipartisanship, would we interrupt an important debate on the economy to vote on a big congressional pay raise for ourselves? Speaking of which, all in favor?"
Republicans and Democrats: (in unison) "Aye!"
So at least we can take comfort knowing that there are some areas where our elected representatives can still come together to get things done.
But if you were engrossed by the stimulus debate on C-SPAN, perhaps watching to see if your congressional representative snickered while debating the stimulative benefits of birth control spending, you might have missed the really important news during that period, which was the revelation that a 23-year-old was caught smoking marijuana.
I know, pretty shocking, right? Of course, this particular incident was newsworthy because the 23-year-old in question was Olympic champion Michael Phelps, and drug use among top-level athletes is virtually unheard of unless you count hundreds of baseball players including Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire; NFL stars like Ricky Williams, Randy Moss and Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes; not to mention 95 percent of the people associated with the NBA, including the announcers, referees and cheerleaders.
Still, the 14-time gold medal-winner's misstep was an opportunity for us in the media to exercise our outrage, and by gum, we were going to do it. Judging from the public's lack of condemnation for Phelps' recreational drug use, however, it appears that we media types may be a little out of touch with the times, which perhaps explains why we continue to use expressions like "by gum."
It turns out that Americans are not particularly upset that Michael Phelps, after spending six hours a day in the pool every day for the past 10 years training to become the greatest Olympic champion in history, might want to kick back and smoke a little pot. No doubt, with all that time in the pool, Phelps missed those helpful public service announcements that used to run during Saturday morning cartoons, graphically warning that drug use inevitably leads to criminal behavior, destroys families and, if I remember correctly, fries eggs.
A few days into the controversy, Phelps made a humiliating public apology, but it wasn't enough to save his endorsement deal as a spokesman for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes cereal. In a press release, the company explained that "while we have appreciated our relationship with Michael Phelps, we do not feel that a product like Frosted Flakes should be associated with someone who uses marijuana. Cocaine maybe the product is called 'Frosted' Flakes, after all but marijuana? Sorry, no."
Like the press, Kellogg's may have also misjudged the public mood. Irate at the company's decision to drop Phelps, pot smokers by the thousands have inundated the Kellogg's consumer hotline with phone calls, angrily demanding to know when that pizza they ordered is going to arrive.
Meanwhile, representatives from groups such as the Marijuana Policy Project and the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws have gone on record indicating that they plan to organize a boycott of Kellogg's products, "just as soon as we finish watching this 'Gilligan's Island' marathon on Nick at Nite."
Still, there remains a small minority of Americans who continue to condemn Phelps' pot smoking, pointing out that, whatever one's opinion of the effects of marijuana use, it's still against the law. But you know what else is against the law? Cheating on your taxes. Yet these days not only do we look the other way when folks fail to pay their taxes, but we even offer them jobs in the highest levels of government.
Speaking of which, since President Barack Obama is also an avowed former pot smoker himself, I say we add marijuana use to tax evasion as a qualification for serving in the president's Cabinet. This idea is particularly timely since we've already got a highly qualified candidate to head up a newly created Department of Mellowing Out in legendary country singer/pothead/frequent IRS target Willie Nelson.
Why, after just an hour or so spent "in session" with Secretary Willie on the stimulus plan, I bet Republican and Democratic congressional leaders would have had no trouble eliminating all kinds of pork.
Should Michael Phelps accept a new sponsorship deal with High Times Magazine? E-mail your thoughts to
[email protected].
Malcolm Fleschner is a local humor columnist who regularly writes for the Daily News' Fusion section.
By malcolm fleschner
Posted: 02/18/2009 12:33:00 AM PST
In the past few weeks, as the president's stimulus plan made its way through Congress, Americans were able to witness how, in a time of genuine crisis, the two political parties can set aside their petty differences to take care of the nation's urgent business:
Democrats: "You obstructionist Republicans need to stop blocking this desperately needed stimulus bill."
Republicans: "Maybe we would, if it really were a stimulus bill. But it's not, it's a pork-filled spending bill!"
Democrats: "Of course it's a spending bill that's what a stimulus bill is, you ninnies."
Republicans: "Don't call us ninnies that just shows you don't believe in bipartisanship!"
Democrats: "Really? If we didn't believe in bipartisanship, would we interrupt an important debate on the economy to vote on a big congressional pay raise for ourselves? Speaking of which, all in favor?"
Republicans and Democrats: (in unison) "Aye!"
So at least we can take comfort knowing that there are some areas where our elected representatives can still come together to get things done.
But if you were engrossed by the stimulus debate on C-SPAN, perhaps watching to see if your congressional representative snickered while debating the stimulative benefits of birth control spending, you might have missed the really important news during that period, which was the revelation that a 23-year-old was caught smoking marijuana.
I know, pretty shocking, right? Of course, this particular incident was newsworthy because the 23-year-old in question was Olympic champion Michael Phelps, and drug use among top-level athletes is virtually unheard of unless you count hundreds of baseball players including Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire; NFL stars like Ricky Williams, Randy Moss and Super Bowl MVP Santonio Holmes; not to mention 95 percent of the people associated with the NBA, including the announcers, referees and cheerleaders.
Still, the 14-time gold medal-winner's misstep was an opportunity for us in the media to exercise our outrage, and by gum, we were going to do it. Judging from the public's lack of condemnation for Phelps' recreational drug use, however, it appears that we media types may be a little out of touch with the times, which perhaps explains why we continue to use expressions like "by gum."
It turns out that Americans are not particularly upset that Michael Phelps, after spending six hours a day in the pool every day for the past 10 years training to become the greatest Olympic champion in history, might want to kick back and smoke a little pot. No doubt, with all that time in the pool, Phelps missed those helpful public service announcements that used to run during Saturday morning cartoons, graphically warning that drug use inevitably leads to criminal behavior, destroys families and, if I remember correctly, fries eggs.
A few days into the controversy, Phelps made a humiliating public apology, but it wasn't enough to save his endorsement deal as a spokesman for Kellogg's Frosted Flakes cereal. In a press release, the company explained that "while we have appreciated our relationship with Michael Phelps, we do not feel that a product like Frosted Flakes should be associated with someone who uses marijuana. Cocaine maybe the product is called 'Frosted' Flakes, after all but marijuana? Sorry, no."
Like the press, Kellogg's may have also misjudged the public mood. Irate at the company's decision to drop Phelps, pot smokers by the thousands have inundated the Kellogg's consumer hotline with phone calls, angrily demanding to know when that pizza they ordered is going to arrive.
Meanwhile, representatives from groups such as the Marijuana Policy Project and the National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws have gone on record indicating that they plan to organize a boycott of Kellogg's products, "just as soon as we finish watching this 'Gilligan's Island' marathon on Nick at Nite."
Still, there remains a small minority of Americans who continue to condemn Phelps' pot smoking, pointing out that, whatever one's opinion of the effects of marijuana use, it's still against the law. But you know what else is against the law? Cheating on your taxes. Yet these days not only do we look the other way when folks fail to pay their taxes, but we even offer them jobs in the highest levels of government.
Speaking of which, since President Barack Obama is also an avowed former pot smoker himself, I say we add marijuana use to tax evasion as a qualification for serving in the president's Cabinet. This idea is particularly timely since we've already got a highly qualified candidate to head up a newly created Department of Mellowing Out in legendary country singer/pothead/frequent IRS target Willie Nelson.
Why, after just an hour or so spent "in session" with Secretary Willie on the stimulus plan, I bet Republican and Democratic congressional leaders would have had no trouble eliminating all kinds of pork.
Should Michael Phelps accept a new sponsorship deal with High Times Magazine? E-mail your thoughts to
[email protected].
Malcolm Fleschner is a local humor columnist who regularly writes for the Daily News' Fusion section.
Peace