All your shitty jokes

What day does the chicken hate the most ?



Fry day!

A man sat and watched the news with his cute, blonde girlfriend. The news anchor reported, "Two Brazilian skydivers fell to their deaths when their parachutes failed to open..." The blonde burst into an uncontrollable, desperate crying fit. The man, perplexed by this seemingly disproportionate display of emotion, dutifully patted her back and said, 'It's okay, babe. It'll be okay'. The blonde replied through her tears, 'but it's just so HORRIBLE! How many is in a Brazilian again?'

What did Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both came on little white crackers.

Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in Cork during his
tour of Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical
manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is.

As Tiger leans over to get out of the car, two tees
fall out of his top pocket onto the ground.

"What are they son?"asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.
"And what would they be for then?" inquires the Irish man.
"They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger Woods.
"Jaysus," says the Irish man, "them boys at BMW think of everything!!!

Hey wanna know somethin'?











None of ya damn business, and kiss my ass!

I finally went on a date. Every thing was going fine until she asked me "Boxers or Briefs?"...
I said I dunno, ....depends.

She just got up and left.

Nowadays, you have to be able to explain the birds & the bees...
The bees & the bees...
The birds & the birds...
The birds that used to be bees...
The bees that used to be birds...
The birds that look like bees...
Plus bees that look like birds but still got a stinger!!!

Lady wakes to find husband sobbing at the side of the bed.

Why are you crying?

Do you remember when we met, we got pregnant and your father gave me a choice of a shotgun wedding or 40 years in jail?

Yes.

I be getting out today.

... and that's when the fight started

A man wanted to teach his sons the evils of alcohol
So he takes out two glasses. Fills one with bourbon and one with water.

He puts A worm in the bourbon and a worm in the water. Worm in the water lives, worm in the bourbon dies.

He turns to his son and say "now what does that teach you about the evils of alcohol?"

His son thought about it for a second and says "well if I drink bourbon I won't get worms"

A Cop that thought he was a bad ass was waiting outside a local biker bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time all the Bikers come out and the Cop spotted his potential prey. A Biker that was so obviously inebriated that he was stumbling around and could barely walk and kept dropping his keys. The Cop was trying to meet his quota so he watched as the Biker looked for his motorcycle. After getting on and off five other bikes trying his keys in each one, he finally found his own bike. A beautiful old Shovel head with a springer front end and kick starter. He sat on his motorcycle almost knocking it over as he tried kicking it over. All the other Bikers waved to him as they left. After all the other bikers finally left he kick started the bike with a heavy BRAAAAPPPPPPP
and pull forward onto the grass, then stopped looked both ways. Finally, he pulled out onto the road and started to ride away. The Cop, excited with anticipation turned on his lights and immediately the pulled the Biker over. He told the biker he was going to be arrested for a DUI after he administered the roadside breathalyzer test. To the Cops surprise the Biker blew a 0.00. The Cop was dumbfounded. So he made the Biker take the test a second time. And he still blew a 0.00. "This equipment must be broken!" the cop said angrily. The Biker got a big ass smile on his face and could not hold it in any longer and busted out laughing. Finally after he calmed down he said:
"You see officer we all saw you when we first pulled in. So I volunteered to be the designated Biker decoy for the night, and I haven't had one drink all day!"
And yes my pipes are stock!