How Not To Grow Dope

LostInSpace...

LostInSpace...

Well-Known Member
Mate that was the funniest fuKKing thing i've ever read!!! I havent cried this much in years, you just made my fuKKing day. Cheers
 
FrostickZero

FrostickZero

Well-Known Member
ok even I wouldn't give my plants birth control pills to feminise my plants geeze now that would be done by a noob grower with no brains
 
Al B. Fuct

Al B. Fuct

once had a dog named
And awwwwaaaaay we go at 107.... :lol:
  1. Decide while stoned to become a weed baron
  2. Plant leftover bagseeds and go looking for lights
  3. Try to steal neighbor's floodlights, burn fingers, go to plan B after healing up
  4. Buy incandescent halogen lights at OfficeJerks cos they look real bright and one blacklight over at the head shop cos it's purpleyness is cool as fuck and makes the Jimi Hendrix velvet poster glow something wicked
  5. 4 out of 72 seeds sprout, fuckin ace!
  6. All 4 get stretchy, fall over and die
  7. Put the black light a little closer to cheer it up
  8. Smoked the dried out seedling, gave me a headache, so I planted some more bagseeds
  9. Dug out Uncle Bob's marijuana grow book from 1972, marveled at nail-thru-stem technique for improving potency
  10. 9 out of 147 sprout, fuckin ace!
  11. Put a pound of nails in salty water to get em good and rusty
  12. All 9 get stretchy, fall over and die
  13. I figured they wasn't getting enough light, so I stole granny's big ole heat lamp and a couple of headlights from some passing cars (damn they're hard to grab at stoplights)
  14. Planted more seeds, put more bullshit and a couple of dead fish in soil mix this time (hey it worked for the Indians and the Pilgrims)
  15. Neighbours complained about the shitty fish smell, I told them to rack off, so they called the cops, who confiscated all the 'evidence.'
  16. Saw story on Fox News about wicked intarwebs sites about marijuana growing warping kids brains, figured I wasn't warped enough
  17. Found pot growing website, figured I'd do a big favor for all those newbie idiots who'd never planted a seed and show em how to do it
  18. Typed Uncle Bob's entire 1972 Yippie Underground growbook into the pot growing website, waited for praises to flow in
  19. No one said nothing, so I typed it in again IN ALL CAPS SO THEY COULD READ IT BETTER
  20. Decided I'd hang around and learn something, there's this guy who says his friend's uncle's brother in law once knew a guy who grew like POUNDAGE in an old refrigerator
  21. Stole a refrigerator and put all my halogen lights in it along with a 5000 watt security light I found on top of a football stadium
  22. Planted 693 more seeds in old coconut shells and put a half a box of Miracle Gro granules on each one
  23. One sprouted and it screamed at me to kill it before it had to spend another second in that damn fridge
  24. Gave up tryin to be a weed baron
  25. Got stoned again decided to put the Arabs out of biz with a car the will run on leftover Mountain Dew
  26. Broke into a vending machine and stole 900 cans of Mountain Dew
  27. Got high-fructose corn syrup and caffeine poisoning from too many Mountain Dews
  28. Mountain Dew powered car thing didn't work out, went back to read pot message board, figured I might be a w33d b4R0n yet
  29. Read on pot board about growing plants under blue & red LEDs in pure molasses, figured this is the way of the future
  30. Stole 50 LED brake lights for the red ones and stole a few mobile phones for the blue ones
  31. Planted 1272 seeds in Miracle Gro soil with a couple bags of Osmocote and some 10-50-10 orchid ferts tossed in to make sure nothin starves
  32. 17 seeds sprouted, fucken ace!
  33. Figured the plants wasnt carbo-loading enuff, so put a kilo of cooked spaghetti on the plants
  34. Spaghetti looked naked, added bolognaise sauce
  35. 2 weeks pass before the plants work out that there's any light comin from the LEDs
  36. Phones hung around the seedlings keep ringin in the middle of the night, fucken annoying
  37. Plants get stretchy, fall over and die again
  38. Mould seems to like the molasses, decided to become a m0uld b4R0n instead
  39. Accidentally got some mould up my nose, turned out to be 'magic' mould, kinda sykadelic and shroomy
  40. Tripped for 3 days, watched my fridge turn into a white whale which called himself Kelvinator the Magnifacent and drank up all my bongwater
  41. Came down long enough to build a hydroponic magic mould grow op
  42. Got all me mates higher than Jesus on magic mould, suddenly couldn't grow enuff of it
  43. Me mates started a bidding war for the magic mould and I became an overnite Ebay millionaire, fucken ace!
  44. Government made 'magic' mould illegal the very next day, protesters hit the streets with 'DON'T BREAK THE MOULD' signs
  45. Cops busted me for proceeds of crime, took me money and let me go
  46. Got stoned and went back to read pot board, read all about light spectrum and flowervegging
  47. Planted 1639 seeds in wool, threw in some rocks, cos Big W don't have rockwool, figured its close enuff
  48. Worked out the right light colour for vegflowering (a kinda reddish blue) and made up a piccie in my stolen copy of Fotoslop wot was the rite colour
  49. Stole a half dozen real big computer monitors and connected them all to me computer, pointed me monitors at the plants
  50. 18 sprouted, fucken ace!
  51. Rocks I threw in the wool turned out to be limestones which musta pHucked the pH or something
  52. Plants got stretchy, fell over and died
  53. Got stoned and tried to work out how to sell bags of stretchy, dead seedlings to pot virgins
  54. Tried to sell a bag to a real noob, he reckoned I was tryin to stiff him so he busted my jaw
  55. Real annoyed here in the hospital, I can get high but can't eat no corn chips with me jaw wired shut
  56. Worked out how to eat corn chips thru a tube, lawyer man from Doritos calls up and offers to buy me out
  57. Sold me corn-chips-thru-a-tube idea for millions, fucken ace!
  58. Got sued by some wanker from Urinistan for patent infringement on his sugar-beet chips thru a tube invention, Howard's new free trade agreement let the bastard take everything but me bong
  59. Found out where Howard was doin his morning walk, chucked me bong at him and yelled at the bastard a lot
  60. In jail now, Ruddock sez I'm a terrierist doper, Andrews is tryin to deport me to me homeland but he can't work out wot country Wollongong's in
  61. Got chucked out to Nauru til my immigration thing gets fixed by the suits
  62. Bloody noice weather here in Nauru, local ganja is the bizness, learnin how to grow from these cool islander dudes workin as guards here at the detention camp, this week's lesson is about to how to sprout seeds right
  63. That Rudd guy got elected and all of a sudden he shuts down the bloody Nauru camp, stopping me dope growin school
  64. Just this week worked out how to feminise seeds with piss from a pregnant Nauruan tiger vole when they shut down the Spacific Solution and chucked me out to Christmas Island
  65. Pissed orf, looked all over this damn island, can't find Santa anywhere, total ripoff
  66. Tiger vole scratches finally healin up, they don't like bein messed with much when there pregnant
  67. Some bright spark works out the Wollongong's in Australia so they sent this Oceanic Viking boat out to get me and take me back home
  68. On the way home we caught up with these badarse Sea Shepard pirate dudes, so I jumped on there Steve Erwin boat, forced them to smoke Nauru Nitemare joints and demanded they hold me hostage
  69. Capn Paul was sorry but he didn't need no hostages and could I please just piss orf cos he had shit to do and whales to shave
  70. After that these mad stoned Sheperd dudes jumped on this Jap whale boat, totally messed with them and got taken hostage, works out they got the whole idea from me, fucken ace!
  71. So I'm fineally back home, found out wile I was gone that some seeds I chucked out the back yard sprouted and grew bitchen plants
  72. Plants flowered like mad cos I accidently spilled a bag of cow poo on the yard
  73. While I was away, the plants dried natcherly and yielded POUNDAGE, fucken ace!
  74. Too bad this all happened 2 weeks before I got home but by then the whole suburb was higher than Jesus after some dude named Cory in yellow sunnies threw a house party at my place while I was still lookin for Santa
  75. Tryin to work out how plants grew so good without the minit-by-minit help of a w33d b4R0n like myself
  76. Ran out of Nauru Nitemare, smoked up all the roaches Cory left around here now out of smoke again
  77. Was usin this one pot forum where there sponsor was sellin this legal 'herbal cannabis' stuff
  78. Couldn't find nuthn bad about legal herbs on this board so I figured I'd buy a couple pounds
  79. Was like smokin pencil shavings and oregano but I got banned off the forum anyway when I told everyone about it
  80. Had to get my money back out of the shit so I sold it to some noob
  81. Noob smoked some of the pencil shavings and oregano and came back and punched me out for sellin him crap
  82. I showed him the fancy magazine ad for these "ULTrA Hy-DRO BuDz," he still wuzint impressed
  83. Back to square one, got to find a way to hide my grow from my mom, read on this pot forum about growing in a computer box
  84. Stole a computer and some CFLs, put computer fanz in the thing and a carbon filter
  85. Planted 1837 seeds, 4 came up, fucken ace!
  86. All of em but one got stretchy, fell over and died
  87. One of em kept on goin for 3 months, actcherly turning into bud!!
  88. Got 10 WHOLE GRAMS of bumfluff and leaf after 4 months, fucken ace!
  89. Smoked it in 20 minutes, gave me a headache, went lookin for more seeds
  90. Found a buncha seeds cowering under the couch, I guess they seen wot happened to the others and were hopin I didn't find em
  91. Decided to use good garden shop sense, planted 2012 seeds in Osmocote potting soil with a pound of Osmocote cos it never burns plants
  92. 18 sprouts came up, fucken ace!
  93. Plants are lookin like someone put em in a toaster, cant be the pound of Osmocote I put in the teaspoon of soil, it says its time released, dammit!
  94. Decided I better wash the Osmocote out of the soil, took a week, but the teaspoon of soil I mixed with the pound of Osmocote is still stuck to the roots, sorta, I guess, they're all nice & brown
  95. Tryin to work out how much light to give em, mebbe part of the day outside and part under some tanning bed lites I stole
  96. Some smart guy on this cannabis forum told me my tanning lites was junk and to go read the GrowFAQ, I reckon he was just bein a jerk cos I've done this all before and I know better so I didn't listen
  97. Plants got stretchy, fell over and died
  98. Mom just yelled at me for taken the innards out of her computer and wants to know why theirs pots of soil where her hard drive should be and by the way wot happened to all her god dam Osmocote
  99. I got to mow the lawn for the next twelve years to pay mom back for the computer and all the missing Osmocote
  100. Petrol can has a leak so I gotta push the mower to the servo to fill it up, on the way spotted a weed plant growing in some bushes a bit off the road
  101. It looked lonely, like it needed the help of a w33d b4R0n like myself so I stole some birth control pills off my mom to make sure it gets feminised
  102. Since it was off the road a bit and kinda private and I knew it wasn't gonna get pregnant, I decided to have a wank on the plant
  103. Just when I got goin good this joker comes tearin out of the bushes yellin wot am I doin to his poor plant?!
  104. I didnt know it was somebodys plant, I thot it had just kinda escaped and gone feral or something
  105. Guy told me if I ever messed with his plant again he would make me into Osmocote
  106. Went home and mowed the lawn and thort about Plan C
  107. Got bored, went back to pot forum, no one would talk to me cos they said I don't no much about growin weed
  108. Made a new account name to make me sound more impotent... no thats not rite I mean IMPORTANT not impotent
  109. I'll show em all by posting that I can clone a leaf, which I cant but it sure sounds impressive
  110. When the jerks tell me it cant be done and to post my proof I them they are all stupid fucken idiots and a lot more dum than me, heheh THAT will show em that I am a w33d b4R0n and they are NOT
  111. My stradegy worked, now no one questions my l33t sk1llz no more, in fact they dont talk to me at all
  112. Got tired of no one paying attention so I made a sokpuppet account to agree with myself
  113. No one wuz fooled, god dam shit sonofabitch, pissin me off
  114. Got stoned and tried to clone sum stolen leafs under pure UV light
  115. Leafs wilted, fell over and died so I busted some fly w33d b4R0n moves on its ass and called it nasty names like sayin its mum was a god dam begonia
  116. Got caught going back to steal more leafs by the guy who saw me having a bat on his plant, back in hospital again, feeling about like a bag of Osmocote
  117. Having me jaw wired up getting pretty old, wonder if there should be a Plan D
 
Al B. Fuct

Al B. Fuct

once had a dog named
mastakoosh said:
hahahaha, damn life is tough when you are a young aspiring weed baron.
Click to expand...
Hard as a steel sandwich, I tell ya! :lol:

Would you believe that about 97% of this stuff isn't any sort of exaggeration at all? The majority of it came from genuine pot forum batshit!

Trolls are an endless source of comedy. They can always do something impossible or improbable, can't prove it, call others names when someone calls bullshit.
 
handsup

handsup

Active Member
lol my m8 started his crop of ww's under a 100w normal house light he had them in veg for 5 month they went up to 5 foot. I took pitty on him and lent him my 600hps. had to top them a few times but now he has them at 7 foot with verry nice buds developing lol will get a pic for u guys tonight u can tell me what u think.:confused:
 
Al B. Fuct

Al B. Fuct

once had a dog named
handsup said:
lol my m8 started his crop of ww's under a 100w normal house light he had them in veg for 5 month they went up to 5 foot. I took pitty on him and lent him my 600hps. had to top them a few times but now he has them at 7 foot with verry nice buds developing lol will get a pic for u guys tonight u can tell me what u think.:confused:
Click to expand...
handsup, you sound like you need the help of a w33d b4R0n.

I asked Stoney about this for you.

He writes:

Stoney McDoper said:
600 whatts is nothing. You need at least 6000 whatts.

Add mor Osmocote to make sher it all gets to the top of youre 7 foot plants, a shovel full or to is good to start with.

I wood knock a hole in the sieling and mabey even the roof for this monster.
Click to expand...
Of course, your mileage may vary.

Stoney has threatened to start a grow advice column.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. ;)
 
S

Stoney McDoper

Active Member
cant trust u 4 nething AL can I! LOL

hah I am kiding its cool now I have my own acount now so I can post my good advise by myslef.
 
handsup

handsup

Active Member
Quote:
Originally Posted by Stoney McDoper
600 whatts is nothing. You need at least 6000 whatts.

Add mor Osmocote to make sher it all gets to the top of youre 7 foot plants, a shovel full or to is good to start with.

I wood knock a hole in the sieling and mabey even the roof for this monster.

lol if only I could wtf is Osmocote:confused:
 
S

Stoney McDoper

Active Member
Osmocote is timed release ferdeliser and it never burns plants so use it by the pound, I do

I wunce stole a truckload uv Osmocoat but wrecked the truck into a truckload of pumpkins wot then went feral and tryed to eat several small childeren.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top