I feel for you man. I am sorry for your lost. Its sad that it ruins lives.
Now more then ever I have to do whatever I have to do to win the war within me.
once again to the op, sorry about hi jacking your thread m8, but sometimes things need to be said, and it shouldn't really matter where they are said, so long as the message gets out there, so i hope you don't mind too much..
anyhoo's, worm its all up to you if you want to get clean.. it took me loosing a lot of things that i cared greatly about, and still to this day do, before i could even think about getting clean.. i had tried in the past for her, for my parents, for everyone but me, and of course it didn't work..
it wasn't until the day that i found out that my ex had her first kid that i finally decided to get clean.. something in my head snapped into place, and i realized here i was still using, trying to kill the pain of everything, and at the same time, life was passing me by.. life was still going on for everyone else, my girl had moved on, people were still getting up and going on with their life every day, but here i was stuck in this rut, not going any where but backwards, and in the blink of any eye, 5 or more years had passed my by, and i realized that i basically had two choices in life, to keep using, and end up in more jails, institutions like rehabs and hospitals, if i was lucky that is, or dead pretty much.. they were more choices if i were to continue to use, and if i tried to say other wise, i knew i was only trying to fool myself..
so, my only other option was to get clean, to stop using, and to get on with my life the way that i knew it was supposed to be lived.. getting up every day, facing the world for what it is, the good and the bad, and to simply go through the day without having to put a chemical in my body to get through it.. i never thought that i could do it, but fuck man, i was simply getting older each and every day that i kept using.. i couldn't imagine sitting back and watching another say 5 or 10 or even 20 years of my life flash by and me still be doing the same stupid ass shit and keep getting the same stupid ass results... i didn't want to wake up and be a 50 year old man knowing that i had just wasted the best years of my life on some real bullshit like a drug addiction... trust me, it was hard enough to wake up at 30 and try and start a new life, and it still is.. some days i feel like i'll never met a good girl and start a family, as it seems like all of the girls my age are either married, or have kids, or both.. but i know that there is someone out there for me.. but i can only imagine how i would feel if i were say 50 instead of 30 when i got clean.. it would be a real nightmare.. if i were even lucky enough to live to be that long... idk, getting clean was simply the hardest thing that i've ever had to do in my life, but at the end of the day it was completely worth it.. i have gained my self respect back, not to mention the trust of the people who are the closest to me like my mother, the one whom i never thought would ever trust me again.. and today i have a wonderful relationship with my nephew.. i am pretty much his father figure, and its such a great feeling knowing that he looks up to me.. it is something that i know i would never of had the chance to experience had i not gotten clean.. nor would i have wanted to have been bothered with it to be honest.. when i was using, it was all about me, and only me.. i didn't care whom i hurt, and who i had to steal from to get what i needed, so long as i got what i needed in the end, it was worth it to me back then..
things today have changed... life is no longer all about just me.. i try to be the best son i can to my mom, and i try and be the best uncle / father figure to my nephew, and although the rewards aren't tangible and i can't hold them in my hands, i know that they are there none the less, and they fill my soul way more than drugs ever could..
now don't get me wrong, life still happens, and i still have bad days, some really bad days at that.. i got laid off from my job recently, and i've been super depressed over it... but you know what, i'm free, i'm not sitting in some fucking jail cell like i was when i was using, and i have a roof over my head and people in my life who care about me and want to see me do good, all of which i also never had when i was using.. shit happens, but i don't have to use because of any of it, that only makes more shit for me to have to deal with.. for me to stop using, i had realized that the pain that i was trying to cover of say loosing my girl, was now less then the pain i was creating for myself by using drugs, so it just seemed completely stupid to me.. it really came down to no longer wanting to be in pain every day anymore, and i knew that must of my pain was self inflicted, so to stop the pain, i had to stop doing the things that caused pain for me, which basically all came from my using and all of the bs that came from using.. once i realized this, it was pretty much game over for me..
and the way i look at my friend who died.. yah, he is dead and gone, worm food if you will, but atleast he had those last two or three years clean and got to experience and live life the way it was meant to be lived.. he died loved by a great girl and had his son back in his life, both of which i know never would have happened had he never gotten clean.. so although he is dead and buried, atleast he had those few good years and got to see what life should have been like for him from the get go.. he had those few great years of love and happiness that otherwise would have been two or three more years of pain and bullshit and all of the other shit that comes along with a life of active addiction.. and for that, i am grateful..
ok ok.. rant over, and once again sorry to the op, but i always feel like if my pain and history can help even one person, then it was well worth my having to live it to be able to help that person..
