Vacuum Cleaner Salesman Beware.

A little old lady answers a knock at her door to be met by a traveling vacuum salesman.

Before she even has a chance to speak the mans tips a bucket full of dog shit all over her carpet and explains :

"Madam if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of that dog shit from your carpet, I will eat whats left."

"Well", the little old lady says, " I hope your fucking hungry cos the bastards cut my power this morning"

Come here, come here, there's more


I saw a scarecrow having a wank in the field the other day


I thought impossible, hes clutching at straws.

Mick is in court for a double murder.

Judge says "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer"

Man at the back of the court yells out "Bastard"

Room goes silent, Judge continues "your also charged with beating your wifes lover to death with a hammer"

Again man at the back of the court yells out "You total Bastard"

The judge has had enough, looks at the man and says "Sir, I can understand your anger at this crime but I will have no more outbursts. If you have anything to say, say it now."

Man gets up and says " For 15 years I lived next door to that bastard and every time I asked to borrow a bloody hammer, he said he didn't have one."

When I was a kid my Mam would send me to the shops with 50 pence (cents for the Americans)

I could get a chicken, 2 pints of milk, a comic book, 6 eggs and a pair of jeans.

You cant get all that these days........



Fucking CCTV !!!!

A woman is taking a golf lesson

She had started her 1st round when she was stung by a bee.

She went back into the clubhouse for some help.

Her golf pro asked why she was back so early.

She told him of the bee sting "Where did it sting you?" He asked

"Between the first and second hole." She said.

He nodded and said "Then your feet are to far apart."

Please remember in the winter when the poor little birdies are finding food scarce.

Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.

There is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut bag........

....... but remember its a bit early in the year for a swallow!

Builder on a 3rd floor forgot to bring his saw up with him.

He shouts down to his mate but he cant hear him.

So he does sign language.

He points to his eye (I) his knee (need) and moves his hand back and forth in a saw motion.

His mate nods, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating.

Furious, the builder runs downstairs. "What the hell are you doing. I said I need my saw."

"I know" says his mate "I was just letting you know I was cuming"

Three men who were all on their honeymoons were chatting at a bar and each one reckons he'll make love to his wife the most that night.

They decide to let each other know the number of times by the amount of toast they order at breakfast in the morning so their wives wont get suspicious.

So the next morning the first man comes down and orders three bits of toast,

the second man comes down and orders four bits of toast and looks pleased with himself until the 3rd man comes down and says in a loud voice

"I'd like six slices of toast and make two of them brown."

Finally the 5 answers we have all been waiting for.


1:
Q: What are the small bumps around a womans nipples for ?

A: Its braille for suck here


2:
Q: Whats an Australian kiss ?

A: Its the same as a French kiss but down under.


3:
Q: Why are hurricanes named after woman ?

A: Because when they cum they are wet and wild, but when they leave they take the house and car.


4:
Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake ?

A: Because they don't have balls to scratch.


5:
Q: Whats a mans ultimate embarrassment ?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

The big bad wolf said " I will huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in."

The little pigs said "Fuck off or I will sneeze on you."

A woman was in a coma for several months. One day the nurses noticed a slight response when washing her pussy.

They rushed to the husband and explained suggesting a little oral sex might help bring her round to which he agreed.

A few minutes later her monitor flat lined. The nurses rushed in and asked "What happened ?"

The Husband said "I'm not sure, she may have chocked."

hahahahh nice those are some good ones. Made me laugh a good bit. I like the last one, and the honeymoon one.

Paddy's wife comes home from work to find all her sex toys have been nailed to the wall.

She shouts "You fucking useless twat, I said I wanted a dado rail!"

I found out recently than my gran had made a porno film.

I dont know what disgusted me more, the fact that she made it or the fact that I carried on wanking after I recognised her.

A woman in a super market notices a young assistant.

He has such a cute arse it makes her randy.

She asks him to carry her bags to the car.

On the way she cant hold back anymore and says "I've got an itchy pussy"

He says "Youll have to point it out, all these japanese cars look the same to me"

Did you know that 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I broke my record for continual sex a while back, 1 hour and 2 mins, I'm the man I thought.

Then I realsied the fucking clocks went forward.

Doctor went fishin one day and not wanting to close the surgery he left his assistant Murphy in charge.

When Doc came back he asked Murphy how it was and Murphy told him.

"I had 3 patients. 1st patient had a headache so I gave her paracetamol"

"Good man" says the doctor

"2nd patients had indigestion so I gave her antacids."

"Well done" the doc says

"3rd patient was a gorgeous woman who burst into the room. She took all her clothes off and lies on the table, she spreads her legs and shouts "Please please please help me. Ive not seen a man in 5 years"

"Mother of fuck Murphy, what did you do" asked the doctor

Then Murphy answers "I put drops in her eyes"

Sex therapists say that the most effective way a woman can arouse a man is to spend ten minutes licking his ear.

Personally, I think its bollocks!

Disabled swimming gala.

50 Mtrs freestyle.

Lane 1, bloke with no arms

Lane 2, bloke with no legs

Lane 3, just a head.

Gun goes off and they all dive in. Bloke with no legs takes the lead from the armless bloke. The head sinks to the bottom.

Armless bloke pips the legless bloke to win the race.

They fish the head out and asked what happend.

The head spluttered and sccreamed "6 FUCKIN months to learn to swim with my ears and some cunt puts a fucking swimming cap on me."