Discussion in 'Stonable Quotables' started by keysareme, Mar 8, 2014.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
A son and his dad walk into a bar and the dads says to the son.
"What do you want fat-head?"
The son stumbles on his words and the father again says,
"What do you want fat-head?"
A lady close by says,
"why do you keep calling your son fat head".
And he replies,
"Well lady there are 3 things a man has to have in his life to be a successful man. Number one you got to have a big truck, see my truck over There? Biggest truck in the county. Second. You got to have a big house. See that house down up the street? That's mine, the house biggest house in the county. And thirdly you have to have a tight pussy, and I had one till this fat-head came along."
A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking,
"Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says,
"Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"Well, your breast is hanging out."
She looks down and says
"OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered.
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
Haha. Nice joke!
Doctor: "What seems to be the problem today?"
Patient: "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"
The Doctor nods, "Hmm."
Patient: "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times."
"Hmm," says the Doctor, as he picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.
The patient is thrilled "Thank you Doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"
"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses, it stinks like a fermented diaper in here. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."
I still don't get the fucken caaaaaaaa joke.
Man goes to doctor and says doc i have not been feeling myself lately. Doctor says well that's one habit I cured you of!
How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb? 3.
One to hold the bulb. The other two are for support.
What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my dick in a bitch.
What does light and hard have in common? Can't sleep when they're on.
One day Adam and Eve where hanging out along the shoreline,Adam was laying on the beach sunning,while Eve waded into the ocean.Just then,Adam heard God's voice yell"OH NOOOOOOOOOO"Afraid,Adam knelt and raised his hands up toward the sky.What have we done to displease you Lord?Oh nothing, said the Lord,it's just that I'll never get the smell out of those fish now.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?Damn Man,how can you breathe thru that thing?
A Man walks into a bar and starts chatting to a woman,they get drunk together and end up in bed.
He goes down on her 'ughhh' he says whats that smell,
she replies "its my arthritus"
'In your pussy' shouts the man
"No its in my shoulder,i cant wipe my arse"...........
a local poultry farmer was worried his roosters were getting old, and egg production was dropping, so he put an add in the paper looking for a "young, vigorous cock"...couple of days later a fellow rings his doorbell. he has a large covered cage with him. "this is Bruce, the horniest rooster in the world !" he tells the farmer. then he uncovers the cage, revealing a tiny bantam rooster with an enormous erection. they make a deal and the fellow leaves. the farmer puts Bruce in the farmyard and goes in to eat. a little after going to bed, he's awoken by all the animals in the farmyard going off at once. grabbing his shotgun he runs outside to see whats going on. his horse is lying dead in front of the house, fucked to death...and his goat....he follows the trail...all the chickens....all the pigs...his dog....the trail leads to a hole in the fence....in the woods the trail continues...foxes.....squirrels...deer...then he sees Bruce, lying with his feet up, erection still pointing to she sky, with buzzards circling him. "well i guess you fucked yourself to death, you little bastard, but i think i'll still blow your head off."
but when he put the shotgun to Bruce's head, the rooster whispered "shhh, the buzzards are about to land!"
Why was 6 afraid of 7?
8 told him that 7 was a registered six offender
I got mad eye rollers yo.
Who is bigger, Mr bigger or Mr Biggers son?
His son, because he is a little bigger
Dad jokes for days! @tusseltussel
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