From Rehab to Relapse- A Fiend Indeed

Mookjong said:

Over the years I've come to realize that I am addicted to drugs. I think it would be better said that I am addicted to "not being sober" or "Chemically Dependant". I have had Crystal Meth issues, Cocaine and crack problems, Opiate abuse, Benzo's, Spice and Nicotine. I also smoke Mj but never considered it to be an addiction as I never really had any Fiendish tendencies with it. I also find Mj to be too mellow and tiredish. Weed just never accentuated my day. Just makes me sleepy.

I would use Opiates to get me through long days of hard work, I'd get a great sense of well being, not to mention, made swinggin' hammer all day much more enjoyable. This was my Opiate work horse. (Fuck Like a ChamP)

I find that while using crystal meth, my critical thinking skills and reading comprehension where much stronger. (Fuck like a porn star- dose dependent)

I tried snorting blow for a while, but ended up always trying to reproduce an amphetamine like high, Too many close calls and was very easy to give up.

I tried smoking crack for a brief period of my life but found that same problem, i was chasing an amphetamine like high again. Gave it up easy

Benzos have been a god send. Mostly Xanax and Ativan with occasional line of valium. Valium would be the only insuffilated benzo, just cuz of that nasty long half life. The main use of the benzos where to come down from the crystal or coke and guaranteed restful sleep.

Spice/Mj mostly used for weight lifting and a novelty or social high.

Nicotine, well it accentuates pretty much everything so ya I smoke alot!


Ok now you know kinda what i look for in drugs, here lies the problem..

I give one drug up for the other until finding my true drugs of choice. I've learned how to get my rocks off, make it through some intense study sessions, drugs have helped me make it through 14 hour days of construction type labor, and have sex for as long she'll let me.
The problem is when I can't support my habbit. I get super anxious and ultra edgy towards people and myself. I'm scarred that one day I may just get too worked up and harm myself or others. I guess i can say when I'm high, im the guy i always wanted to be, when im not i hate everything and nothing is ever good enough.

The obvious answer is pretty obvious... The thing is, I've relapsed over and over. Or if I bounce back from a long binge, ill just switch to a different drug. The thought of never being able to eat a perc 30 or hotrail a qg is horrid. My mind goes to suicide instantly. I think that is just not a life i want to live.

Where do i go from here? I wanna be super me all the time!!

This could just be a chip on my shoulder, I doubt ill change. I just dont want my whole life to about the use of hardcore drugs. that story has been written too many times.

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