Bipolar & Cannibus

Hi,
I'm a manic depressive/bipolar I. Im about 24 now diagnosed at 12. Prior to that I was misdiagnosed ADHD (I feel like such a statistic). I've been on varying cocktails of medication and for the last three years have effectively self-medicated with marijuana without any pharmacueticals. The only drug in my history to have any (positive, psychologically speaking) was Risperdol. I gained 50lbs in a month and though we discontinued I gained another 25 the next. Prozac had me hypomanic for all of the two days I was on it and lithium produced mild-little relief while on an extremely high dosage(3300mg/day). Anyway I wrote a letter to Craig X discussing something slightly off topic but still all the information here is relevant to someone suffering from any form of bipolar, So I am posting a copy of the letter. Feel free to contact me if any of my coping methods interest you. I can point you in the right directions of where to begin.


Hello Craig X,
I would first like to thank you for what you do toward the ends of legalization and freedom. I use very moderate dosing for the primary purpose of, very effectively I will add, treating my bipolar type 1. The second purpose is spiritual growth. I say it is "second" not because the second goal is virtually unachieveable without addressing the bipolar, (which is true, although the reverse is also, for they are interdependant), but with no real significance in priority. I live in the midwest where awareness and tolerence are in the stone ages.
In states of weed deprived hypomania I can develope psychotic and even homocidal thoguht patterns. Fortunately I've been given a gift most others I know (in fact I've not met a bipolar like myself in this respect) do not possess. The ability to recognize my hypomaina/mania while in the midst of these spiritually assaulting states of near lunacy. When my thoughts go to far and I recognize it (or am forced to recognition by some other set of cicumstances such as those describe later), I pray divine intervention. Usually what has caused my hypomania to from mere "over-motivation" to the developement of unhealthy thought patterns is fear. Sometimes it is anger, though my problems with such are less.
I describe all this to you not to justify my usage in any way but to give you an understanding of where is stood mentally on the night of March 3 2007. I had been out for about two days, and a week prior to that (which was generousity at the hands of good friends) and my sleep was suffering (lack of sleep and hypomania go together like the chicken and the egg). Thus I was in a state of sleep deprived mania when I managed to get my medicine. A good friend of mine with his own reasons was with me and after procuring we proceded to another friends house who uses for pain relief and a myriad of other reason. We shared weed and a few drinking stories and then went home. On our way home we picked up a pigtail. It was late and at night, but we passed right through the cops headlights who sata a level of slight elevation that allowed his headlights to illuminate us perfectly. Now, everything was locked in the glovebox. But my hair is down to my shoulder blades and we were both wearing beanies. After one block of the cop following us I knew he wanted to pull us over (and we all know they don't need a real reason, they're the kings of bullshit). While weed calms me down in my hypomania and significantly curbs my impulsivity in such states, it does not in any was stop my emotions. In the instant the cop followed us through intersection my mind spun wildly out of control with fear at the core. However, as he promises in the bible, God will give you a chance to come to him for solutions, and plants the seed in your mind at the critical moment. I jumped on that seed in my mind for I knew it was the one thing that could save me from the cop, the fear, and myself. I sunk into a deep state of prayer/meditation/magick. My initial thoughts were, of course, on the moral conflict of using weed for it almost appeared that God was trying to tell me something along those lines (and he was!), but I quickly kicked aside these doubts by asking God to bust me if such was his will and my usage was truly immoral and contradictory to his love. I proceeded into a surpisingly (even for myself) deep trance in a matter of seconds and ask God to enter my heart and mind and become and illuminating force. In my state of mroe or less coninuous hypomania for the past week I had develop several irrational, homocidal even, thought patterns. I cannot even now recall what issues I addressed in that moment aside from the homocidal thoughts, but they were all explained to me by God. He quelled instantly the fear the moment I latched onto the seed and continued to work in my heart and mind. Like I said I honestly don't remeber what delusions and psychoses he eliminated in me that moment, but since my hypomania has lessened. I have been able to sleep because I have weed. I am now able to struggle against the homocidal thoughts recognizing their invalidity and foundation in hypomanic lunacy. Whereas before I gave into them, allowed myself to think about them and consider them with justification and rationalization. Now when the thoughts crop up from time to time I just move my mind on to something else. God really did some magic in my life in that moment. And we never even got pulled over. I think God arranged those incidents preuly to drive me to a state of reckoning.
Now as I have conveyed this experience to you I would like to use it to explain reason for practicing Hermetic Alchemy. It is like bhuddism in that is not a religion, but a system, or set of practices that teach one to align one's will with that of the divine for he purpose of magic and willworking. The meditation I did was a "quick spell" requiring no ritual or tools. True magick is performed this way, ritual and tools are merely foci that help one perform alignment. Two statements may be made about this incident. I performed magic that prevented the cop from pulling us over. God intervened and prevented the cop from pulling us over. Both are true and interdependant. God would not have intervened had my spiritual state not been in alignment with his own. Yet my magic would have been ineffective without him. You might have said I "prayed" for God to make the cop go away and this would be true also. But what happened was so much more. Hermetic Alchemy has given me tool for a spiritual relationship with God that no church or priest ever has. I recognize Jesus Christ as my personal saviour (Now in more ways than one!). Alchemy is known as the process (or pursuit of the knowledge of the process) of changing lead into gold. This actually possible with modern day partical accelorators and has been done, though the amount of energy required relative to the miniscule quantity produced makes it much more expensive than practical. In true Alchemy this is a metaphor for the process of turning ones spiritual lead into gold. A process coined "Spiritual Alchemy" or "Alignment". Thus I say to you, verily, I believe in Jesus Christ and God as my personal saviour, I am a Christian. Though I worship in unconvential ways. I would not describe them as "unorothodox" for I do belief my practices are right and have never heard a word of objection. Though I have heard such divine objection for other practices and ideas I've studied, and hence never put them into practice. I wouldnt say it's not "traditional" either as many hermetics have preceeded myself. In honesty I question some of the occult research and practice conducted by some of them. However I incorperate no practice I know is is outside God's love. Knowledge which God and Jesus Christ say, in the bible, will be given unto he who asks for it.
Anyways, I would like you to give careful consideration to the things. Perhaps do some research of your own. I reccomend such authors as Israel Regardie and Tabitha and Chic Cicero. They have many publications dating back to the 50's concerning the Golden Dawn, an insitution of hermetic practice and teaching that has been around for nearly 150 years and has roots in organizations far older. I am merely a novice, and excercise little less than meditation, study, and minor magick on the rare occasion a situation calls for it. I am interested in joining temple 420 and possibly moving to california within the next few years. I hear you are fairly discriminating in the people you allow join your temple. I read you quote, "If your lying for pot go to dispensories." So, I thought I'd be fairly straightforward with you about who I am and what I believe and practice. I don't want to join for the protection. Honestly it looks like you have enough problems on your hands s far as that concerned. Not that I wouldn't hit you up for it if I joined and did get busted. Like said I live in a pretty intollerant midwest. Obviously I'm too far away for a hook-up. I'm just interested in meeting other people who use for spiritual purposes. I look forward to hearing from you either way.

Thank you for your time,
Sincerely,
D

I also have manic depression/bipolar disorder. I can, for the most part, realize that my thought patterns are irrational, but sometimes it creeps up on me too subtly or too quickly. When I'm in an episode of depression, my thoughts can lead me to violence towards inanimate objects, other people, or myself. Sometimes depressive episodes will make me feel so much dispair, like nothing will ever get better or be good again. Manic episodes will make me get too excited, paranoid, and jittery, and sometimes I'll get overly aggressive and pushy. Mood stabilizers do help to some extent, but they make me feel like a zombie. They numb out my emotions and I feel like I'm not human. In middle and high school I'd have episodes every few weeks even though I was on the meds. When I was 16 I started smoking marijuana and after a few months I noticed that it helped control my manic depression. Well some stupid mistakes on my part got me sent to rehab when I was 17. I had been caught with weed by my parents and then 1 month later I overdosed on DXM (cough syrup ) the first time I tried it. So I agreed to go to outpatient group therapy after much pushing by my parents. The program I was put in was very strict and I was in it for 6 months even though I passed every single drug test. I never did use any drug while I was in rehab, except the mood stabilizers from my doctor. My disorder would not give me a break that entire 6 months without the herb. I remember going from manic to depressed episodes and back to mania again in the same day and vice versa weekly. Mood stabilizers weren't helping much at all, probably because of all the stress and little free time I had at this point in my life. School 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Rehab 3.5 hours a day, 4 days a week. Work 7 hours a day, 3 days a week. Narcotics Anonymous 1 hour a day, 2 days a week. That doesn't leave much time for fun or friends or free time. Well after the 6 months of HELL (least happy I've been in my entire life), I stopped taking my meds completely and started smoking weed everyday instead. I've been doing this for about 4 years now without any prescriptions, and I have episodes maybe once every 2 or 3 months. I'm the happiest I've ever been and marijuana has played a huge part in my happiness. I don't get how marijuana can be completely illegal in most of the country (including my state) with all of the possible medical uses. Oh, and FUCK PILLS.

this shit cant be serious, i mean u think u had a divine intervention just because a cop didnt pull u over when u had weed. man if a had a divine intervention for every time a cop was behind me while im sittin fat id be a god by now. sorry but im as blazed as u are just talkin talk.

This is a serious disorder. Take your meds. Don't screw around and self medicate. Marijuana is not intended to cure everything. Get back on your meds. I have already lost one friend who was bi-polar. He thought that if he prayed enough God would cure him. He have up all his possesions and became a care giver because that is what God wanted him to do. He heard a voice alright but it wasn't God. A few months later he blew his brains out in a motel room. Go back to your doctor and get back on your meds. This is serious.

When dealing with Bipolar and many other mental illnesses medication is a shot-in-the-dark trial and error process. I've been on dozens of different medications with very little success. Lithium being the most effective, and yet still doing very little for my episodes while being perscribed at borderline toxic levels. Nothing has done for me what marijuana has. I have been effectively self-medicating for the past three and half years with very few episodes. All of which occured during periods of time without marijuana.
Mj might not have been the right medicine for your friend. I am in no way trying to say the cannibus is a cure-all for everyone with bipolar. In fact, in some, it may exacerbate the problem instead of solving it. However, I find it to be very effective for treating myself.

In response to leafwrapper,

You can interpret any situation any way you want. I'm very aware that what I believe to be God's sanctioning of my use won't hold up very well in court or convince a cop that was arresting me not to do so. I don't go around toting a divine right as my justification. All I'm saying is that I believe in that instant God was telling me that my usage isn't wrong. Not through a little voice in my head, my manic episodes have never been that delirious. The cop tailed us for 2.5 miles. He wanted badly to pull us over I could feel it. We all know they don't need a real reason to pull you over. Why he chose not to pull us over is beyond me.

Moreover, willworking can never grant one divine or angelic status. Hermetic Alchemy is simply the process of unifying one's will with that of God's. Magickal results can never be achieved without divine power. Those who believe other sources will grant them power are wrong. It may appear they have been granted power. But the real forces behind their magick will consume them.

to muu232,
I'm glad you have found a medicine that works for you. I'm sorry it's pot. Personally I wish I could have found a pharmacuetical that worked for me. Then I wouldnt have trouble finding good work. Constantly be in fear of getting busted as my medicine and yours is so vehemently persecuted.

I have OCPD. I am also a medical marijuana patient. That makes me legal. My doctor agrees that the pot helps my anxiety BUT I realize that I still need to take my meds. Bi-polar is not something you self medicate and have under control. You are playing with your life. Nothing can unify with God's will because we are sinners. Our feeble little brains can't operate on that level. Those with mental disorders might think they can. But when the depressive phase kicks in they feel like they are lower then dog shit. I went through this with my former friend. My friend that put a gun to his head because he thought that is what God wanted him to do. Splat! We couldn't find his family so he was buried in an unmarked grave. His personal items all gone. No trace that he ever existed. Only memories. Please don't become a memory.

I don't have any other medicine. as I stated I've been on just about everything in the freakin book and nothing has worked. My bipolar is type I, but I have never felt myself to be one of the more extreme cases (hallucinations, psychosis, etc)

"alignment of the will with that of the divine" is not a process that grants one the "knowledge of God". Verily, I agree with you that one individual may never know the "mind of God' for God himself said so. But he also says that if you ask him for wisdom he will grant it. This wisdom is what allows us to align our will, concerning individual issues. Never could one wholy align oneself with God. We are simply just not the big (by a long shot). But such magick & wisdom is dealing with the everyday events of our lives. Nothing more. I have dealt with the suicidal demons and while sometimes my depression get low enough to have me thinking of suicide (usually this happens about 2.5 weeks in to pot depravation, after my manic & dysphroic cycles have run their course). But in these states of extreme low, I have taught myself to reach out to those who care about me and tell them about how I am feeling. A prayer is about all thats required for a temporary fix to the thoughts and proves to increase my ability to deal with suicidal, aggressive, and homocidal inclinations of both mania and depression.

Yeah that is what my friend used to tell me. Prayer will get him through. There are times that the lows are so low that prayer doesn't cut it. You feel like God has abondanded you. You aren't worthy. Anyone that is into God know God doesn't have anything to do with magic. My friend was the assistant pastor at our church. He made house calls and prayed with the sick and those who requested his help. He used his own money to buy food for the hungry. He planted and maintained a huge garden (about half acre) and distributed the food to those in need. Not those in the church but those really in need. He lived his faith every day. That is more then most can say. But in the end his illness was too much. He never felt he had an extreme case either. He said he didn't hallucinate he was trying to live God like. A prayer in no temporay fix with this disease. You are playing Russian roulette with your life.

On the contrary God has everything to do with magick. As I stated before, if your magic isn't coming from God then....well...it comes from "you know who." As I stated in my letter my practices are less than "conventional" and are modeled after those of the Golden Dawn though more strictly speaking based in Qabbalistic practices of ancient judaism.
I can't say I don't stuggle against suicidal thoughts. But to believe that "God has abandoned" me, would be a cue for me. A cue into the fact the my thought pattern was irrational. Where I have trained myself to reach out. to supportive friends or family. God Exists in every fiber of our being. He IS the atomic partices and his actions are their relative uncertainty.
You say I am playing russian roulette with my life. I take it you mean this goes back to your previous point about "taking medication." I am taking the only medication that has ever done anything for me. I took medication till I was 17 at which point I chose to stop taking medicine and did fine for several years till I joined the army. I've even conferred with my parents recently about the medicines I took back then and they concurred with me about their relative ineffectiveness. Interestingly enough Basic & AIT we're a breeze and I had learn to cope without medicine by then. When I got to my duty station though several factors caused me to bottle anger and my bipolar began kicking in with sleepless nights of bingen drinking till 5:00 am at which point we went to work till 1:00 and I'd sleep till 10:00 the next day. My rage became explosive and I did a lot of stupid things and my military career was hence short lived (about 1 year at my duty station). Towards the end of my tour I had smoked pot for the first time in my life. The shit was some potent euro homegrow I've never seen in my life since. SO I was way to high to really notice the medical benefits beyond that for the recent chain of events I had a very tranquil state of mind (when I wasn't high, but in the period several hours later). In the three & a half years since I have smoked pot regularly with very few episodes either way. I've been studying my magic for about 5 years now and it has proven a great saftey net when I experience pot-dep.
You may not think these to be great recourses, especially considering your friend's story. But what else do I have? Pills don't work. I've even tried a handfull of "new" stuff like abilify with less than satisfactory results in the last year in an atttempt to stop using pot and become legal again. I have tried as you suggest to "get back on my meds" I gave abilify about a month and a half without simultaneously using marijuana. However it was too much andI couldnt cope, couldn't sleep, and everyone around me was suffering. My girlfriend was also tring to quit. However her deit suffered, and we mutually agreed that our plans were not working. We bought a half and smoked a fat blunt with the neighbor and I made my famous pork chop dinner that snagged her in the first place and it was a great night. =D

If you have read your Bible then you know that God has nothing to do with magic. You and your family are not doctors. You don't know squat about medicine or its effectiveness.

You don't know pills might work you haven't tried them all. Sometimes they don't completely kick in for a couple of months you need to give them time.

What did you mean by "my girlfriend was also trying to quit. However her "deit" suffered. What is a deit?

This can ba a slow process. Took me over 10 years to find a doctor who diagonised me correctly. They all said I was depressed. Until the last one who was the frist to talk to me. After 10 minutes he said it's OCPD.

Read you Bible. God and magic don't mix.

You sound young and impatient.

when looking at one's self, no one is objective enough to either diagnose or treat their own mental conditions. if you do not believe this to be true then you are in a very dangerous predicament. yes, you can guage certain aspects of your symptoms but you won't see the entire picture by yourself.

it's good that you feel relief but you really owe it to yourself to let the people who are experts help you along by asking their opinion and following their advice.

take care.

Thank you I couldn't have said it better. I wasn't objective about my own situation. I needed someone from the outside to look in and give me their view. Totally unbiased and professional.

deit = diet; typo.
I have been on just about everything available for bipolar with the exception of two antipsychotics. Effexor I won't touch because I've heard horror stories about it, plus the weight gain attatched isnt worth it. theres another between abilify and risperdol I haven't tried yet, but quite frankly I don't care to.
All the medicines I have tried have been under the supervision of a doctor. I have been on enough medicines and listened to what the doctors say and done my own research about them. I sure as shit know what I'm talking about when I say they haven't worked. I better than anyone remember how I felt while taking them. Moreover, I have the input of the doctor and my family to take into account in that area. It's on paper. Every medicine I took that didn't work. I've functioned fine in the past 3.5 years, held a steady job and all. No episodes. Just a little swinging when I'm out of medicine for more than a few days at a time.
As far as the good book. Give the weekend I'll be back Sunday with the scriptures that support my practices, and list of historical figures in the bible that practiced also.

euthanatos,
May the Spiritual Armor of Christ rest over you, your family and your home.

~sp

I'm wondering if anyone has done any research on Aspartame and its effects on bipolar folks.

Vi

I take effexor no horror stories here. No weight gain either. Sometimes stories are just that stories. Lived with undiagnosied problem for over 20 years. Now that sucks! Finally got it diagnosied correctly 2 years ago (approx) with the right meds and mm it's like awakening from a coma a living like a normal person. Have been there and done that. I mean the whole thing. It's nice to feel normal but had to have it pointed out to me. I was so used to not feeling normal that at first I didn't know what normal was. Thought it felt too good. Don't let religion become a crutch. You have to stand on your own.

I have to go see a shrink at the end of April to find out if I am Bipolaristic because of some of the things I do. Y'know every single day for about 10 years I thought I was gonna die on the 5th of April 2005 because of somethin' that my friend said when we were about 13 or 14. We were big fans of the rock band Nirvana and I have the same birthday as frontman Kurt Cobain (who blew his brains out) an' my friend says to me "Hey, wouldn't it be cool if you died at the exact same age as him? ". I know, pretty stupid, but he was just a kid at the time. But from that day until april 2005 I thought it was going to happen. When that day came and went I thought I would be able to breathe a sigh of relief, but then I started thinking of things that are gonna bring about my untimley demise. And I still do this, but deffinately not as much as before I started smokin' weed.

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder ever since I was a kid. I've been locked away in every kind of institution you can imagine from Charter to the county jail as a result of this condition I was assured of being cursed with. They had me on every new drug that came out, like some kind of lab animal, but nothing helped me. Ever. Often it made things worse. There were so many times I had the gun in my mouth, ready to paint the walls with my brains that now (years later) I can't even remember all of them. And, of course, I became a very voracious substance abuser. God had failed me, drugs had failed me, psychology had failed me; and inevitably my health started to fail me too. It was then that I began to take a true active interest in myself and how I was living my life. I began eating right, and I began dealing with the issues that caused me to do the habitual self destructive things I had come to know as normalcy. The turning point was the total internal detoxification of my body; cleansing my colon, liver, kidneys, and blood of parasites and heavy metals. The poisons of everyday life that had accumulated inside of me for years and years and years. Almost immediately the mood swings, the paranoia, the suicidal and insane thoughts, the inability to function...everything that used to happen when I started going haywire, subsided entirely. It truly was miraculous. My doctors were completely dumbfounded. I've been off their medication for years now, and I live a completely productive and balanced life. And I smoke the fuck out of weed every chance I get. The chemical and physiological issues for me have been remedied by a good diet, exercise, and a regular detoxification of my body. The psychological, spiritual, and emotional issues I quell with meditation, honesty, and lots and lots of marijuana. I don't pretend to have any answers for anyone...I am not a doctor or a shrink or a priest. I'm not suggesting that anyone stop taking their meds or anything. I don't know now if I have or have ever had Bipolar disorder or not. For all I know I'm as crazy as a shit house rat. I'm not sure if it really makes a difference. I just know that my life is good now and, that for me, cannabis was indeed part of the answer I was looking for. May you all be well, happy, and peaceful...

A. Lee