Ask Uncle Baldrick - Advice For The Lovelorn

Ok?

  • Great idea

    Votes: 6 35.3%

  • Oh, yes

    Votes: 3 17.6%

  • Pinworm saved my life today.

    Votes: 10 58.8%

  • See above

    Votes: 3 17.6%
  • Total voters
    17
Unclebaldrick

Unclebaldrick

Well-Known Member
Hi there college kids. Welcome to this forum of great advice.

Have you fallen in love with an Amsterdam hooker from Romania and don't know what to do about it?

Are you trying to get it on with your girlfriend and her sister but getting resistance from their dad?

Are you a monogamous gay man trapped in a polygamous woman's body and your bf and GF are pissed?

These are things that we here in TNT can really help you out with. So be brave and write what ails you in relationships and the sack. Include pictures if it is remotely helpful. We will help you out. Yes, we will.

So let's hear them!
 
Unclebaldrick

Unclebaldrick

Well-Known Member
dr.gonzo1 said:
Oh goody I love the problem pages in mags and you'll be an awesome agony uncle.

My life's pretty sweet tbh. Just one thing I suppose, It might be nothing but I've noticed my wife has changed her fb status from married to widowed.

Should I be worried?
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Dear dr.gonzo1, I sure would be. It seems like a big statement given the fact that she could have just chosen "it's complicated". One of my closest friends uses "it's complicated" to explain the fact that her current husband is serving a six year sentance for exposing himself to nine year olds. Nine years olds, dude.

I would get your affairs in order before confronting her with this information. Tell her you have put all your assets in a blind trust that she can't get her hands on (I will PM you detailed instructions on how to make me sole trustee) If most of your assets are in the home, tell her you have rigged the place with an elaborate clockwork mechanism that will burn the house down unless you are there to disarm it every 24 hours.

Good luck. Better get moving.
 
Yessica...

Yessica...

Well-Known Member
Dear Uncle BigDick,

I am currently stuck living with my ex for anywhere from 4 - 8 weeks.

Now, if I decide that I would like to entertain a woman friend should I:

a) Ask to have the lovemaking at her house, and then record it and "accidentally" send it to him?

b) Go to town on her here, and make sure she's a SCREAMER, And stays for a sleepover?

Fuck him, the next girl I bang will be Waaaaaaaaay hotter than the next girl he gets.

I'll make sure of it!

So what should I do?

Thanks a million,

Cunty in Canada
 
dr.gonzo1

dr.gonzo1

Well-Known Member
Yessica... said:
Dear Uncle BigDick,

I am currently stuck living with my ex for anywhere from 4 - 8 weeks.

Now, if I decide that I would like to entertain a woman friend should I:

a) Ask to have the lovemaking at her house, and then record it and "accidentally" send it to him?

b) Go to town on her here, and make sure she's a SCREAMER, And stays for a sleepover?

Fuck him, the next girl I bang will be Waaaaaaaaay hotter than the next girl he gets.

I'll make sure of it!

So what should I do?

Thanks a million,

Cunty in Canada
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You can't fuck the pain away yessi!!

Oh wait, yes you can. What was I thinking?
 
Unclebaldrick

Unclebaldrick

Well-Known Member
Pinworm said:
Dr. Baldrick. I am currently making a book of sex coupons to give to a friend, but I am running out of things to put on them. Can you help with some ideas? Thanks in advance.
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Here are some that have worked for me in the past.

"Neural Cutout" - you spend an entire evening as if you have a brain shunt. So no matter what your partner does with you or in your presence, you will pretend not to remember - even in court.

How about an "Angry Pirate"? This is where one partner pulls out and comes in one of the other partner's eye. Then he kicks the other in the shin before he regains his senses.

Perhaps an "Alexander Graham Bell". This will require you and a close friend. One of you gives head while the other one shouts into the friends butthole like and old long distance phone call.

And of course the "Alaskan Pipeline" where one poops into a condom, freezes it and inserts it into the other partner.
 
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Unclebaldrick

Unclebaldrick

Well-Known Member
Blue Wizard said:
Dear Unkie Baldrick.

My girlfriend has a bigger penis than I do. She says it's not a big deal and loves me no matter what, but I can't help but feel self conscious about it every time she gives me a reach around and only needs to use two fingers. Any advice?

Thanks in advance.
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People without micro-penii often dismiss the virility of those who do. But it sounds like your problem is right between your ears. This is really a problem of perception. Have you tried closing you eyes or looking through a lens of some sort?

Do you think that she would mind using a prosthetic device? I know Sky Mall had a nice one last time I flew to Viet Nam. I hear that they are way ahead in realistic mini-hands.

I think you need to decide which is more important to you, the size of your girlfriend's penis, or the size of yours. If she doesn't care about it, why should you?

Ultimately, I think you are missing the fact that you are lucky. Do you know how many of us who haven't found well-endowed women? Do you understand the fear we feel every time we peel down a girl's panties just to find out they aren't as well hung as that statue in Copenhagen? Count your blessings.
 
C

CC Dobbs

Well-Known Member
Dear Uncle Baldrick,

I am in love with my chicken and I don't think she knows it.

I am afraid to tell how I feel in case she doesn't feel the same and it creates a distance between us. We have been having dust baths together every afternoon for a couple of months and I've never felt cleaner and more refreshed after those special moments together in the dirt.

Please help me with my dilema as I don't know what to do.

Messiah
 
tyler.durden

tyler.durden

Well-Known Member
Hey, @Unclebaldrick ! I just met a gorgeous woman, and I like her very much. She's everything I've ever wanted: smart, sexy, sophisticated and cultured. We had sex many times, and honestly, it is the best I've ever had. The problem is that no one else can see her. I've proudly introduced her to close friends and my family, but not one of them can see, hear, or touch her (my sister says she can smell her, but that may just be my Jean Nate afterbath). This is upsetting to me, and my girl seems very frustrated. The thought did cross my mind that there's a small chance that I may be delusional, so I searched YT on how to scan one's brain at home, but I'm afraid I'm not flexible enough to bend the way the lady does in the video. Is there any chance you can help me???

Respectfully,
Chivalrous in Chicago
 
Yessica...

Yessica...

Well-Known Member
UncleBuck said:
dear dr. baldrick,

do women dig hematospermia?

thanks,

bloody in boulder
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Hematospermia is defined as blood in the semen. While often perceived as a symptom of little significance, blood in the ejaculate can cause great concern to the men who experience it. The condition is common, and many episodes go unnoticed; therefore, the prevalence of hematospermia remains unknown. In most patients with hematospermia, the condition is self-limited and no further diagnostic workup is needed; however, in some patients, hematospermia may be the first indicator of other urologic diseases.

Hematospermia has been written about for centuries. Hippocrates, Galen, Pare, Morgagni, and Fournier all commented on this condition. The first American report appeared in 1894, and Fletcher,[1] Leary,[2] Marshall,[3] and Ganabathi[4] have subsequently published excellent contemporary reviews on the subject.

The advent of newer imaging modalities has altered both the diagnosis and the treatment of hematospermia. Aslam et al have developed an algorithm to guide the management of these patients.[5]

We like it because when you bleed we know you MEAN it.
 
UncleBuck

UncleBuck

Well-Known Member
Yessica... said:
Hematospermia is defined as blood in the semen. While often perceived as a symptom of little significance, blood in the ejaculate can cause great concern to the men who experience it. The condition is common, and many episodes go unnoticed; therefore, the prevalence of hematospermia remains unknown. In most patients with hematospermia, the condition is self-limited and no further diagnostic workup is needed; however, in some patients, hematospermia may be the first indicator of other urologic diseases.

Hematospermia has been written about for centuries. Hippocrates, Galen, Pare, Morgagni, and Fournier all commented on this condition. The first American report appeared in 1894, and Fletcher,[1] Leary,[2] Marshall,[3] and Ganabathi[4] have subsequently published excellent contemporary reviews on the subject.

The advent of newer imaging modalities has altered both the diagnosis and the treatment of hematospermia. Aslam et al have developed an algorithm to guide the management of these patients.[5]

We like it because when you bleed we know you MEAN it.
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so the redder the better?

please answer in the form of a limerick.
 
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