A Guy Walks Into A Bar...

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers


Tower:
"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351:
"Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower:
"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341:
"Center, we are at 35,000 feet..
How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower:
"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:
"I'm bored!"

Ground Traffic Control:
"Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft:
"I said I was bored, not stupid!"

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***

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked,
"What was your last known position?"

Student:
"When I was number one for takeoff."

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted:
"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway,
if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101,
make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the following:

Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English):
"If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English):
"I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .
Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower:
"Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702:
"Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted
off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure
on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635:
"Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern.
We've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by,
came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts.
Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206:
"Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."

Ground:
"Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground:
"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206:
"Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly):
"Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."

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While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing
for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727..

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go
exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

An NFL team was preparing to play its first game it a brand new, taxpayer-financed stadium. One of the star players was being interviewed by a television sports reporter, who was discussing the differences between the old and new ball fields.

"There will clearly be many differences between the two playing fields, James, agreed?" the reporter asked.

"Yeah," replied the player.

"But you anticipate no problems during this first outing, do you, James?"

"Naw, man," said James.

"One major difference, of course, is natural grass versus Astroturf," stated the reporter, "Do you personally like natural grass or do you prefer Astroturf?"

"I don' know, man," mumbled the player, "I ain't never smoked no Astroturf."

A respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,
"Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'

A woman hobbled into the pro shop, seeking first aid.
"I got stung by a bee!" she cried out. "Do you have anything for it?"
The pro looked at her and asked
"Where did you get stung, Ma'am?"
"Between the first and second holes", whimpered the lady, in obvious pain.
Without another look, the pro diagnosed:
"Your stance is too wide.". cn

Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.”

The boss says, “You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her I want sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.”

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon… You got nice house.”

A fellow of color walks into a Chinatown bar and exclaims
"Yo Chink, gimme a drink!"
The bartender takes no notice and minds his other customers.
"Hey Chink! Gimme a drink."
Once again, the bartender ignores him.
"I said, CHINK! Gimme a DRINK!!"
The bartender turns to the noisy fellow and says:
"Okay, Mister. I heard you. But just so you know what an asshole you're being, why don't we trade places for a moment?"
"Aight", says the black man, settles himself behind the bar and pours himself a triple of Glenfiddich.
The bartender says
"Okay, nigger, give me a jigger."
The black man drains his drink and pours himself another, grins widely at the bartender and declares:
"We don't serve no Chinks in here, asshole."
cn

Hepheastus420 said:

Oh ok, he died? Hmm... Ehh his iPad legacy will carry on.
Maybe they can record his funeral with an iPad.

Click to expand...

he did not create the ipad, the ipad was created by a team of apple employees.
steve jobs just being one of the top sponges that get all the profits.

steve jobs would never have been as clever as alan turin, he was one of the cleverest men that ever lived, he even managed to invent the first computer to crack the german code enigma during world war 2, when a message came over a german radio in code the british knew exactly what was said and were waiting on the ambushes before they happened, indeed winning them and the americans the war.
alan turin was gay and was persecuted by the british government after the war, he killed himself through shame by injecting poison in to an apple and taking a bite, hence the apple mac logo, an apple with a bite out of it.

WeeGogs said:

steve jobs would never have been as clever as alan turin, he was one of the cleverest men that ever lived, he even managed to invent the first computer to crack the german code enigma during world war 2, when a message came over a german radio in code the british knew exactly what was said and were waiting on the ambushes before they happened, indeed winning them and the americans the war.
alan turin was gay and was persecuted by the british government after the war, he killed himself through shame by injecting poison in to an apple and taking a bite, hence the apple mac logo, an apple with a bite out of it.

Click to expand...

He was the Marketing manager genius at Apple , he didnt claim to make anything.

I thought this was a joke thread. We turning this into another fucking hate thread now?

potpimp said:

I thought this was a joke thread. We turning this into another fucking hate thread now?

Click to expand...

What you mean "we", Paleface?
(punch line of one of my favorite jokes evarrr) cn