euthanatos93420
Well-Known Member
Hi,
I'm a manic depressive/bipolar I. Im about 24 now diagnosed at 12. Prior to that I was misdiagnosed ADHD (I feel like such a statistic). I've been on varying cocktails of medication and for the last three years have effectively self-medicated with marijuana without any pharmacueticals. The only drug in my history to have any (positive, psychologically speaking) was Risperdol. I gained 50lbs in a month and though we discontinued I gained another 25 the next. Prozac had me hypomanic for all of the two days I was on it and lithium produced mild-little relief while on an extremely high dosage(3300mg/day). Anyway I wrote a letter to Craig X discussing something slightly off topic but still all the information here is relevant to someone suffering from any form of bipolar, So I am posting a copy of the letter. Feel free to contact me if any of my coping methods interest you. I can point you in the right directions of where to begin.
Hello Craig X,
I would first like to thank you for what you do toward the ends of legalization and freedom. I use very moderate dosing for the primary purpose of, very effectively I will add, treating my bipolar type 1. The second purpose is spiritual growth. I say it is "second" not because the second goal is virtually unachieveable without addressing the bipolar, (which is true, although the reverse is also, for they are interdependant), but with no real significance in priority. I live in the midwest where awareness and tolerence are in the stone ages.
In states of weed deprived hypomania I can develope psychotic and even homocidal thoguht patterns. Fortunately I've been given a gift most others I know (in fact I've not met a bipolar like myself in this respect) do not possess. The ability to recognize my hypomaina/mania while in the midst of these spiritually assaulting states of near lunacy. When my thoughts go to far and I recognize it (or am forced to recognition by some other set of cicumstances such as those describe later), I pray divine intervention. Usually what has caused my hypomania to from mere "over-motivation" to the developement of unhealthy thought patterns is fear. Sometimes it is anger, though my problems with such are less.
I describe all this to you not to justify my usage in any way but to give you an understanding of where is stood mentally on the night of March 3 2007. I had been out for about two days, and a week prior to that (which was generousity at the hands of good friends) and my sleep was suffering (lack of sleep and hypomania go together like the chicken and the egg). Thus I was in a state of sleep deprived mania when I managed to get my medicine. A good friend of mine with his own reasons was with me and after procuring we proceded to another friends house who uses for pain relief and a myriad of other reason. We shared weed and a few drinking stories and then went home. On our way home we picked up a pigtail. It was late and at night, but we passed right through the cops headlights who sata a level of slight elevation that allowed his headlights to illuminate us perfectly. Now, everything was locked in the glovebox. But my hair is down to my shoulder blades and we were both wearing beanies. After one block of the cop following us I knew he wanted to pull us over (and we all know they don't need a real reason, they're the kings of bullshit). While weed calms me down in my hypomania and significantly curbs my impulsivity in such states, it does not in any was stop my emotions. In the instant the cop followed us through intersection my mind spun wildly out of control with fear at the core. However, as he promises in the bible, God will give you a chance to come to him for solutions, and plants the seed in your mind at the critical moment. I jumped on that seed in my mind for I knew it was the one thing that could save me from the cop, the fear, and myself. I sunk into a deep state of prayer/meditation/magick. My initial thoughts were, of course, on the moral conflict of using weed for it almost appeared that God was trying to tell me something along those lines (and he was!), but I quickly kicked aside these doubts by asking God to bust me if such was his will and my usage was truly immoral and contradictory to his love. I proceeded into a surpisingly (even for myself) deep trance in a matter of seconds and ask God to enter my heart and mind and become and illuminating force. In my state of mroe or less coninuous hypomania for the past week I had develop several irrational, homocidal even, thought patterns. I cannot even now recall what issues I addressed in that moment aside from the homocidal thoughts, but they were all explained to me by God. He quelled instantly the fear the moment I latched onto the seed and continued to work in my heart and mind. Like I said I honestly don't remeber what delusions and psychoses he eliminated in me that moment, but since my hypomania has lessened. I have been able to sleep because I have weed. I am now able to struggle against the homocidal thoughts recognizing their invalidity and foundation in hypomanic lunacy. Whereas before I gave into them, allowed myself to think about them and consider them with justification and rationalization. Now when the thoughts crop up from time to time I just move my mind on to something else. God really did some magic in my life in that moment. And we never even got pulled over. I think God arranged those incidents preuly to drive me to a state of reckoning.
Now as I have conveyed this experience to you I would like to use it to explain reason for practicing Hermetic Alchemy. It is like bhuddism in that is not a religion, but a system, or set of practices that teach one to align one's will with that of the divine for he purpose of magic and willworking. The meditation I did was a "quick spell" requiring no ritual or tools. True magick is performed this way, ritual and tools are merely foci that help one perform alignment. Two statements may be made about this incident. I performed magic that prevented the cop from pulling us over. God intervened and prevented the cop from pulling us over. Both are true and interdependant. God would not have intervened had my spiritual state not been in alignment with his own. Yet my magic would have been ineffective without him. You might have said I "prayed" for God to make the cop go away and this would be true also. But what happened was so much more. Hermetic Alchemy has given me tool for a spiritual relationship with God that no church or priest ever has. I recognize Jesus Christ as my personal saviour (Now in more ways than one!). Alchemy is known as the process (or pursuit of the knowledge of the process) of changing lead into gold. This actually possible with modern day partical accelorators and has been done, though the amount of energy required relative to the miniscule quantity produced makes it much more expensive than practical. In true Alchemy this is a metaphor for the process of turning ones spiritual lead into gold. A process coined "Spiritual Alchemy" or "Alignment". Thus I say to you, verily, I believe in Jesus Christ and God as my personal saviour, I am a Christian. Though I worship in unconvential ways. I would not describe them as "unorothodox" for I do belief my practices are right and have never heard a word of objection. Though I have heard such divine objection for other practices and ideas I've studied, and hence never put them into practice. I wouldnt say it's not "traditional" either as many hermetics have preceeded myself. In honesty I question some of the occult research and practice conducted by some of them. However I incorperate no practice I know is is outside God's love. Knowledge which God and Jesus Christ say, in the bible, will be given unto he who asks for it.
Anyways, I would like you to give careful consideration to the things. Perhaps do some research of your own. I reccomend such authors as Israel Regardie and Tabitha and Chic Cicero. They have many publications dating back to the 50's concerning the Golden Dawn, an insitution of hermetic practice and teaching that has been around for nearly 150 years and has roots in organizations far older. I am merely a novice, and excercise little less than meditation, study, and minor magick on the rare occasion a situation calls for it. I am interested in joining temple 420 and possibly moving to california within the next few years. I hear you are fairly discriminating in the people you allow join your temple. I read you quote, "If your lying for pot go to dispensories." So, I thought I'd be fairly straightforward with you about who I am and what I believe and practice. I don't want to join for the protection. Honestly it looks like you have enough problems on your hands s far as that concerned. Not that I wouldn't hit you up for it if I joined and did get busted. Like said I live in a pretty intollerant midwest. Obviously I'm too far away for a hook-up. I'm just interested in meeting other people who use for spiritual purposes. I look forward to hearing from you either way.
Thank you for your time,
Sincerely,
D
I'm a manic depressive/bipolar I. Im about 24 now diagnosed at 12. Prior to that I was misdiagnosed ADHD (I feel like such a statistic). I've been on varying cocktails of medication and for the last three years have effectively self-medicated with marijuana without any pharmacueticals. The only drug in my history to have any (positive, psychologically speaking) was Risperdol. I gained 50lbs in a month and though we discontinued I gained another 25 the next. Prozac had me hypomanic for all of the two days I was on it and lithium produced mild-little relief while on an extremely high dosage(3300mg/day). Anyway I wrote a letter to Craig X discussing something slightly off topic but still all the information here is relevant to someone suffering from any form of bipolar, So I am posting a copy of the letter. Feel free to contact me if any of my coping methods interest you. I can point you in the right directions of where to begin.
Hello Craig X,
I would first like to thank you for what you do toward the ends of legalization and freedom. I use very moderate dosing for the primary purpose of, very effectively I will add, treating my bipolar type 1. The second purpose is spiritual growth. I say it is "second" not because the second goal is virtually unachieveable without addressing the bipolar, (which is true, although the reverse is also, for they are interdependant), but with no real significance in priority. I live in the midwest where awareness and tolerence are in the stone ages.
In states of weed deprived hypomania I can develope psychotic and even homocidal thoguht patterns. Fortunately I've been given a gift most others I know (in fact I've not met a bipolar like myself in this respect) do not possess. The ability to recognize my hypomaina/mania while in the midst of these spiritually assaulting states of near lunacy. When my thoughts go to far and I recognize it (or am forced to recognition by some other set of cicumstances such as those describe later), I pray divine intervention. Usually what has caused my hypomania to from mere "over-motivation" to the developement of unhealthy thought patterns is fear. Sometimes it is anger, though my problems with such are less.
I describe all this to you not to justify my usage in any way but to give you an understanding of where is stood mentally on the night of March 3 2007. I had been out for about two days, and a week prior to that (which was generousity at the hands of good friends) and my sleep was suffering (lack of sleep and hypomania go together like the chicken and the egg). Thus I was in a state of sleep deprived mania when I managed to get my medicine. A good friend of mine with his own reasons was with me and after procuring we proceded to another friends house who uses for pain relief and a myriad of other reason. We shared weed and a few drinking stories and then went home. On our way home we picked up a pigtail. It was late and at night, but we passed right through the cops headlights who sata a level of slight elevation that allowed his headlights to illuminate us perfectly. Now, everything was locked in the glovebox. But my hair is down to my shoulder blades and we were both wearing beanies. After one block of the cop following us I knew he wanted to pull us over (and we all know they don't need a real reason, they're the kings of bullshit). While weed calms me down in my hypomania and significantly curbs my impulsivity in such states, it does not in any was stop my emotions. In the instant the cop followed us through intersection my mind spun wildly out of control with fear at the core. However, as he promises in the bible, God will give you a chance to come to him for solutions, and plants the seed in your mind at the critical moment. I jumped on that seed in my mind for I knew it was the one thing that could save me from the cop, the fear, and myself. I sunk into a deep state of prayer/meditation/magick. My initial thoughts were, of course, on the moral conflict of using weed for it almost appeared that God was trying to tell me something along those lines (and he was!), but I quickly kicked aside these doubts by asking God to bust me if such was his will and my usage was truly immoral and contradictory to his love. I proceeded into a surpisingly (even for myself) deep trance in a matter of seconds and ask God to enter my heart and mind and become and illuminating force. In my state of mroe or less coninuous hypomania for the past week I had develop several irrational, homocidal even, thought patterns. I cannot even now recall what issues I addressed in that moment aside from the homocidal thoughts, but they were all explained to me by God. He quelled instantly the fear the moment I latched onto the seed and continued to work in my heart and mind. Like I said I honestly don't remeber what delusions and psychoses he eliminated in me that moment, but since my hypomania has lessened. I have been able to sleep because I have weed. I am now able to struggle against the homocidal thoughts recognizing their invalidity and foundation in hypomanic lunacy. Whereas before I gave into them, allowed myself to think about them and consider them with justification and rationalization. Now when the thoughts crop up from time to time I just move my mind on to something else. God really did some magic in my life in that moment. And we never even got pulled over. I think God arranged those incidents preuly to drive me to a state of reckoning.
Now as I have conveyed this experience to you I would like to use it to explain reason for practicing Hermetic Alchemy. It is like bhuddism in that is not a religion, but a system, or set of practices that teach one to align one's will with that of the divine for he purpose of magic and willworking. The meditation I did was a "quick spell" requiring no ritual or tools. True magick is performed this way, ritual and tools are merely foci that help one perform alignment. Two statements may be made about this incident. I performed magic that prevented the cop from pulling us over. God intervened and prevented the cop from pulling us over. Both are true and interdependant. God would not have intervened had my spiritual state not been in alignment with his own. Yet my magic would have been ineffective without him. You might have said I "prayed" for God to make the cop go away and this would be true also. But what happened was so much more. Hermetic Alchemy has given me tool for a spiritual relationship with God that no church or priest ever has. I recognize Jesus Christ as my personal saviour (Now in more ways than one!). Alchemy is known as the process (or pursuit of the knowledge of the process) of changing lead into gold. This actually possible with modern day partical accelorators and has been done, though the amount of energy required relative to the miniscule quantity produced makes it much more expensive than practical. In true Alchemy this is a metaphor for the process of turning ones spiritual lead into gold. A process coined "Spiritual Alchemy" or "Alignment". Thus I say to you, verily, I believe in Jesus Christ and God as my personal saviour, I am a Christian. Though I worship in unconvential ways. I would not describe them as "unorothodox" for I do belief my practices are right and have never heard a word of objection. Though I have heard such divine objection for other practices and ideas I've studied, and hence never put them into practice. I wouldnt say it's not "traditional" either as many hermetics have preceeded myself. In honesty I question some of the occult research and practice conducted by some of them. However I incorperate no practice I know is is outside God's love. Knowledge which God and Jesus Christ say, in the bible, will be given unto he who asks for it.
Anyways, I would like you to give careful consideration to the things. Perhaps do some research of your own. I reccomend such authors as Israel Regardie and Tabitha and Chic Cicero. They have many publications dating back to the 50's concerning the Golden Dawn, an insitution of hermetic practice and teaching that has been around for nearly 150 years and has roots in organizations far older. I am merely a novice, and excercise little less than meditation, study, and minor magick on the rare occasion a situation calls for it. I am interested in joining temple 420 and possibly moving to california within the next few years. I hear you are fairly discriminating in the people you allow join your temple. I read you quote, "If your lying for pot go to dispensories." So, I thought I'd be fairly straightforward with you about who I am and what I believe and practice. I don't want to join for the protection. Honestly it looks like you have enough problems on your hands s far as that concerned. Not that I wouldn't hit you up for it if I joined and did get busted. Like said I live in a pretty intollerant midwest. Obviously I'm too far away for a hook-up. I'm just interested in meeting other people who use for spiritual purposes. I look forward to hearing from you either way.
Thank you for your time,
Sincerely,
D
) the first time I tried it. So I agreed to go to outpatient group therapy after much pushing by my parents. The program I was put in was very strict and I was in it for 6 months even though I passed every single drug test. I never did use any drug while I was in rehab, except the mood stabilizers from my doctor. My disorder would not give me a break that entire 6 months without the herb. I remember going from manic to depressed episodes and back to mania again in the same day and vice versa weekly. Mood stabilizers weren't helping much at all, probably because of all the stress and little free time I had at this point in my life. School 7 hours a day, 5 days a week. Rehab 3.5 hours a day, 4 days a week. Work 7 hours a day, 3 days a week. Narcotics Anonymous 1 hour a day, 2 days a week. That doesn't leave much time for fun or friends or free time. Well after the 6 months of HELL (least happy I've been in my entire life), I stopped taking my meds completely and started smoking weed everyday instead. I've been doing this for about 4 years now without any prescriptions, and I have episodes maybe once every 2 or 3 months. I'm the happiest I've ever been and marijuana has played a huge part in my happiness. I don't get how marijuana can be completely illegal in most of the country (including my state) with all of the possible medical uses. Oh, and FUCK PILLS. 
