schizoaffective disorder

i didnt have my meds yesterday so today i freaked out on my sister and kicked her ass out of the house but after she left i was going to go in her room and pack her shit (after an arguement about hillary clinton being president- crazy) when the thought crossed my mind that i could rip all the plants and distroy them then throw dirt everywhere and break my lamp and throw that shit all over the room. fucked up. i hope that thought never crosses my mind again. i dont know what it is but , when i have these freak out episodes, it all ends in some sort of self distructive behavior. i loathe myself and want to distroy anything that ive invested my time and effort in.

its funny that when i have these depressive bouts i hate anything that helps me to feel better, such as smoking weed. and i just started my first grow and find much joy in raising cannabis but when i blow my top its like nothing is worth anything. my garden and shit i would destroy because again, i believe it is theraputic and in these depressive bouts i can become a completely different person who wants to destroy anything thats worth caring about. relationships, well being, moving foward instead of backwards. but my temper i guess, causes me to believe that nothing is worth anything in life and that your here for just a blink of an eye and then your gone. its a downward spiral.
but i have to give props to wikipedia, because i would never have sought out a pot doc for my condition. i have been smoking for about a year now and have nothing but good things to say.

and let me add, that even when im stoned and i lose it for some reason(usually when not taking meds) it is such a fucking buzz kill. i toatally lose my high and start yelling at people who dont deserved to be yelled at.