Random jokes

My girlfriend called me up and asked me to meet her at her apartment. When I got there she wasn't home, but her extremely sexy sister was.. While waiting for my girl to come home, her sister sits down next to me and whispers in my ear. "We should have sex before my sister gets home". I immediately got up and headed towards the door to my car. When I opened the door my girlfriend hugged me and said "You have earned my trust!" Moral of this story? Always leave your condoms in the car.

I was sitting round with a group of friends one was an old west indian ,we were smoking and talking shit ,he then said dont smoke the seeds mon

they make you go blind ! fat christine then replied with alarm on her face ,why are they poisonous ? !

he then said No mon sometime de hexplode an hit ya in di eye!

well i was talking shit to my boy from childhood he was telling me not to be jelous of his cock??? i was like FUCK YOU!! lolz he sead that he was thinking about tatooing a wraper of a snicker bar on his cock because it was big and black.. lolz i told him he should tatoo dolly parten face on his chest to go along with his girl tits lolz he is a lil over weight..

Blind guy walks into the lumberyard and asks for a job. He immediately tells them he knows he can't see the wood but can tell simply by smelling what type of wood and if it is dry and cured or fresh and still wet.

They take him to the lumberyard boss and he asks again for a job and tells him about his keen sense of smell. The boss tells the guys to give him a chance and give him a few tests to see if this is true.

Outside they go and up to a stack of 2" X 4"s.

"Pine. White pine. Kiln dried for shipping but still a little green".

Damn! He's right on. So they lead him further in and up to another stack.

"Oak. In fact nice red oak, dried for a year before sawing and nicely cured. Perfect for cabinets."

WTF? The yard foreman whispers to one of the guys who runs off as they lead the newcomer again to another stack.

"Spruce. Marine-grade plywood, suitable for damp applications all the way to boat hulls."

As they go around the corner the yard boss sees the trap is now set up and leads him over. They had the receptionist laying up on a pile of old crusty walnut, her panties off and skirt up.

Sniff, sniff, sniff.

"Can I walk around this pile?" asks the blind guy. "To get in the wind a little more."

They say okay and he taps his way around the pile, sniffing as he goes. The yard boss nods to the gal to spread her legs really wide and hike that dress up and she does.

Sniff, sniff, sniff.

"OK you guys" he announces "You're trying to set me up here. But I know what it is anyway."

"Oh yeah? What is it?" they all shout.

"It's a shithouse door off an old tuna boat!" he declares.

Fat ladies in a pub.

So there was a farmer. His farm consisted of a barn, a horse, chickens, a Harley Davidson motorcycle, and a misplaced tar pit in the corner of the property. One day while the horse was minding his own business, he misguidedly found himself stuck in the tar pit. As he sank, he began to panic until he saw one of the chickens walking by. "Mr.Chicken ! Please, I'm sinking in the tar. Get on the farmer's Harley Davidson and pull me out !" he pleaded. Mr.Chicken acted promptly and pulled the horse from the tar pit using the motorcycle and a strong chain. One week after this incident, Mr.Chicken got caught in the tar pit. Be began to sink quickly, and panicked until he saw Mr.Horse approaching. "Mr.Horse !! I'm sinking in the tar pit !!! Please won't you return me the favor I gave you last week ? Save my life !!!" he said frantically. Mr.Horse tried to make haste, however he unfortunately found out he was much too large to ride the Harley Davidson motorcycle. Having no time to waste, Mr.Horse stuck his erect penis into the tar and rescued the chicken from safety.

The moral to this story is: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a Harley Davidson to pick up chicks.

I was at my son's house the other day and I asked him for a newspaper. He says, "Dad, nobody buys the newspaper any more. Here, use my Ipad."

I gotta tell you, that spider never knew what hit him.

An insane patient escaped from the mental ward. The warden wanted to put out an apb to all local authorities and have him brought in by any means. The patients doctor, not wanting to see his client hurt or worse, begged the warden for a small window of time to go and bring him back, and if he was not succesful, then he could launch the apb. The warden agreed reluctantly. The doctor, knowing his patient, knew of his love for the ocean. He proceeded to the shipping docks on the east side of town to look for him. After an hour or so of driving around, he spots a person walking slowly along one of the docks with his head down. He cautiously approached the man and it was infact the escaped patient. He slowly approached him and asked," what are you doing out here?" The patient said, "I am testing a theory of mine and as soon as I am complete, I will gladly return to the ward with you". Excitedly, the doctor asked if he could help him in any way. The patient replied "sure, I really need to finish counting all the spaces in between the boards on this dock". The doctor said,"ok, wait right here and I will count the remaining boards for you". The doctor began counting as fast as he could, till all of a sudden he walked right off the end of the dock and into the water. As he was climbing back onto the dock, he noticed the patient jumping and shouting EUREKA, EUREKA, I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!. As the soaked doctor walked back up to the patient, he asked him what he was so excited about. The patient replied " I have proven my theory once and for all" With a confused look on his face the doctor asked him, "what theory is that" The patient looked at him with a serious grin and said" when your out of slits, your out of pier"

Peace

Asmallvoice