Hello,
Part I : Overture
I'm writhing this cause I want to know if there was one person among you which had same symptoms and situation, and most importantly how did you break loose and survived.
Part II : Childhood
I'm more than 27 years old now and I live in small god forsaken sea village in Croatia. To begin this story I must start from the beginning, as my memory fails and in that way I want to recollect events that happened.
My story begins from when I was about 6 and a half years old, and begins with my mentally ill mother who came to idea that cause her father beaten her when she was child she must mentally devastate his own son to be smart and wise like her in the later ages. So she made a happy plot of not giving me one second of rest in her proximity. And she cried and cried, jelled and made bizarre scenes of unreal nature. Her crying was fake and sounded like war sirens that lasted over five minutes and same scenario every sunny day. Also one of her highest demands was to be excellent in school. She made scenes everywhere at home, at doctors, at school, at shops, at neighbours, ... Fortunately I was doing fine and spent a lot of time out of house. That is all about my early days.
Also at that time my mothers father lived with us, and was dying from cancer. My mother took is pretty seriously and was trying to cure him. Miraculously she prolonged his life from few months to 2 years, but the scenes she made in that time were really devastating on young mans brain.
Part III : Cannabis
I started smoking in high school I was 17., I really adore smoking cannabis like you all, and my thought is that cannabis is spice to life. Also cannabis have one great effect that blocks the past away and you can live in that particular moment, and in that moment you can do whatever you want, you can go to past, or be the trip of present also you can speculate about future, but you are not bounded by past. That is all, you all know what is cannabis.
Part IV : High School
I can tell you that I had some really devastating experience at home in my high school days. My mothers mother was living with us, and she was dying from multiplesklerosis (bone degradation), well my mother again thought that she can save her and again miraculously prolonged her life to 3 years, but in the end she couldn't save her. My grandmother was very strange person and she never admitted that she is ill, even though in the end she couldn't move or when she would piss in the air when we were carrying her in the bathroom every 2h. What happened in the end was real nightmare cause the situation got extreme, and one day my mother was very insane and she jelled at her all night till the sun rise and then my grandmother had a hard stroke and died next day in hospital bed. I ave to say that my mother killed her by jelling all night cause I was there in the next room pretty much insane and with pain in the brain.
Part V : University
Well I had to run from there and I managed to sign in into the most hardest university in my country, engineer physics. I was doing very well in my terms, from 100 students I was in 20 which passed into second year. And at finish of 2nd year my life turned upside down.
Part VI: The Witch
All good stories have a girl, unfortunately my was stupid spoiled demon from hell, called succubus. This shit of a living thing had great influence on what happened next in my life.
Part VII: The Mystic
Somewhere in 3rd year of my university life, after reading countless math and physics evidences and proofs, theories and etc. I came to conclusion that 99% of that cannot be true, that is a basically product of human imagination some would call it shit. Bullshit in textbooks and professors who don't know a fk what they were talking about. That made me extremely devastated and depressed, also I saw that 99% of things in my ordinary life encounters were lies, better word would be propaganda. Propaganda in the use of self interest.
Also I saw that something is wrong with people and life that is show before my eyes. As depression accumulated, also I did not have any money, my family was bottom poor all the time. I got to university cause of social scholarship which was not enough for room and food.
I started to loose appetite and got really tired, at that time I was sleeping 22 hours a day, and one day after long fall along the ladder I hit the bottom. And in the moment I lost last drop of my life energy I call it lithium. As I remember i said: "F... it, goodbye world!"
What happened next was the most exciting and thrilling sensation, my cells turned over and my sub cellular liquid floated into abyss.
As it floated away it froze in time and space, better words would be there was no time and space I was the frozen liquid.
Slowly as I was falling for who knows how log, I saw ting live of light that was down somewhere in abyss.
After time passed again I cannot tell how long, the light become wider and wider.
I stopped my fall when about 3/4 of the sight were this river of energy. I stopped cause this were my exact thoughts: "This is the great spot to admire the sight".
And I watched and I bathed in the river of energy, I exchanged my energy with this river, it was beautiful, I can say I felt great sensation and even tell that I made love with river of energy.
I was there for incredible amount of time, I call it eons.
But I really cannot explain it why from time to time I would wake up I'm my bed and go to lunch or smoke cannabis or talk to some people I know. I was like I live there in abyss and dream in the world of everyday.
To short this story on one of these occasions I was invited by friend to this girl/witch mentioned earlier apartment to smoke weed and socialize.
Part VIII: Come back
What happened is next: This girl knows me from before. I didn't know her. But then it turned out that after long thought about that that this girl came to me once every year of my life for few minutes to say something incomprehensible and then left. Yes she looked different but I know her form before and I could say that she was only girl that I meet in my life and wanted to marry her. But as I saw her once every year for few moments and she would always took me by surprise and left like a morning mist, I never had opportunity to actually speak to her.
At that point this is what one of the things that she said to me: I know you from before. I want 50. I'm afraid of what is in your head. This are my fuck buddies, go away you are disgusting.
Well I have to thank her for disgusting part cause first if I didn't meet her I would dye somewhere in abyss forgetting about world at all, second I really was disgusting.
I was atrophied, schizophrenic, had hurricane of thoughts in my head, could not use my right eye nor my right side of the brain, had constant amnesia, I could think for about 3 seconds and forgot all about it, I could not move my arms above my head, my personality was washed out, my feelings were locked inside, I could not thing or comprehend what the hell is going on.
From that point strange things started to happen in my everyday life, people around me were somehow actors and life were staged. All and every time.
I didn't learn and passed exams and years on university, finally I had enough and left that bullshit.
People would get to me in the street and would say numbers and would talk among themselves but to me or about me. It was very hard and unpleasant to be surrounded by this shit and without ability to remember anything prior to 3 sec. Just constant bombarding fo past events before my life.
Part IX: The Terror
These events started when I was 22.5 years old.
It took me 1 year to be able to open my eye for just one second, lower atrophy and after extreme mental effort to close a crack of white light in my head.
2 years to be able to remove extreme hunger, and be able to move my hands above my head, and put energy into right part of the brain.
3 years to be able to balance schizophrenia, lower amnesia into 5 sec.
4 years to be able to use my right eye little more and balance hurricane of thoughts in my brain.
4.5 years to wright this story
Try to understand all in 1 year I did was woke up in the morning without any recollection of past, with hurricane in my head and bright light which lured me back. Every day was fight 99% of days I lost the battle.
I didn't had any money, tried to work but every time they where there trying to manipulate me and bring me down, I couldn't work for money they were always around fucking my brain.
Etc.
Part X: Justice
There is not any. More than 4.5 years ago when I realized that I'm almost dead there people were on every step of my life trying to push me down. I felt like a embryo in a controlled shell of past, fked emotions, fake environment.
End Part: My Thoughts
What I realized so far. I do not live I'm in a sleep. They are worked up and they have paid job to manipulate me, the longer I'm here the more monthly salaries the will earn. It all about sex. Bitches give them open enter and they laugh, while I suffer.
All my life is a dream, maybe I hooked to some kind of machine biological or not, maybe do not live jet. They control my dreams and just for the crap I need to see and hear there I would pretty much love to kill them all, not to mention other things.
What I want to say. A person who choose another person to be manipulated, crippled, mentally beaten, etc. must pay. I have the right to kill that person. Never I did something wrong to anybody to recive such hard/pain life.
How many times my head hurts so much that I wanted to kill myself. And they never stop. They fuck me with numbers, I do not have choice, first they say in winter, and then winter comes, then they say in summer, and then summer comes, then they say next year. I do not need or want this shit of my life.
Also maybe the only thing that angriest me, beside that stupid spoiled whore and her fuck buddies, is that these people do not work their job, also they are extremely untalented and unimaginative, I have to call it stupid, cause they really are stupid. The thing they say would grant them bullet in the head if I would there with them and know who they are.
And now why I wrought all this story, obviously I have a lot of problems. Person would read and say this man imagine things and thinks he is puppet on a strain, he is seriously ill.
Yes I agree. I'm, ...
Cannabis is the only thing that still can make me laugh, relax and forget about past. That can bring out real me under piles of unsolved problems. And even thought I love cannabis no matter this problems is at this point one of two medicines I can use to fell better. First is a woman.
So Cannabis should be legal.
Unfortunately I live in a fucked up country, where you go to jail for one joint. Also here people just heard of sensimilla, and prices are 15 euros 1g. I don't have money.
Also one of the funniest things of my twisted life is that I don't have medical insurance from 2004. I'm never ill, and apparently I cannot die.
If someone had similar experience in his life please share it with me cause I cannot see way out, and I will probably kill myself in following days. Cannot stand new year, time when whole world is laughing and fucking and I'm alone without any information about my freedom.
Also I forgot to mention is that all this story and my symptoms, as described is a true story, but in my sleep world, longer I fight this mist the more I realize that this is just a film all my problems are faked produced by them, schizophrenia, amnesia, etc.
And this part I cannot stand, I'm in this hell from my birth, in this extreme hell form more than 4.5 years ago, listening to them they want me to be here and like this for 7 years and I cannot cope with that. I cannot stand their stupidity, and I and enough, I had enough 4.5 years ago but this time I'm not afraid to kill myself.
Cause I will die eventually one day, so what if big sleep comes in this month.
If someone experienced same crap please talk.
Part I : Overture
I'm writhing this cause I want to know if there was one person among you which had same symptoms and situation, and most importantly how did you break loose and survived.
Part II : Childhood
I'm more than 27 years old now and I live in small god forsaken sea village in Croatia. To begin this story I must start from the beginning, as my memory fails and in that way I want to recollect events that happened.
My story begins from when I was about 6 and a half years old, and begins with my mentally ill mother who came to idea that cause her father beaten her when she was child she must mentally devastate his own son to be smart and wise like her in the later ages. So she made a happy plot of not giving me one second of rest in her proximity. And she cried and cried, jelled and made bizarre scenes of unreal nature. Her crying was fake and sounded like war sirens that lasted over five minutes and same scenario every sunny day. Also one of her highest demands was to be excellent in school. She made scenes everywhere at home, at doctors, at school, at shops, at neighbours, ... Fortunately I was doing fine and spent a lot of time out of house. That is all about my early days.
Also at that time my mothers father lived with us, and was dying from cancer. My mother took is pretty seriously and was trying to cure him. Miraculously she prolonged his life from few months to 2 years, but the scenes she made in that time were really devastating on young mans brain.
Part III : Cannabis
I started smoking in high school I was 17., I really adore smoking cannabis like you all, and my thought is that cannabis is spice to life. Also cannabis have one great effect that blocks the past away and you can live in that particular moment, and in that moment you can do whatever you want, you can go to past, or be the trip of present also you can speculate about future, but you are not bounded by past. That is all, you all know what is cannabis.
Part IV : High School
I can tell you that I had some really devastating experience at home in my high school days. My mothers mother was living with us, and she was dying from multiplesklerosis (bone degradation), well my mother again thought that she can save her and again miraculously prolonged her life to 3 years, but in the end she couldn't save her. My grandmother was very strange person and she never admitted that she is ill, even though in the end she couldn't move or when she would piss in the air when we were carrying her in the bathroom every 2h. What happened in the end was real nightmare cause the situation got extreme, and one day my mother was very insane and she jelled at her all night till the sun rise and then my grandmother had a hard stroke and died next day in hospital bed. I ave to say that my mother killed her by jelling all night cause I was there in the next room pretty much insane and with pain in the brain.
Part V : University
Well I had to run from there and I managed to sign in into the most hardest university in my country, engineer physics. I was doing very well in my terms, from 100 students I was in 20 which passed into second year. And at finish of 2nd year my life turned upside down.
Part VI: The Witch
All good stories have a girl, unfortunately my was stupid spoiled demon from hell, called succubus. This shit of a living thing had great influence on what happened next in my life.
Part VII: The Mystic
Somewhere in 3rd year of my university life, after reading countless math and physics evidences and proofs, theories and etc. I came to conclusion that 99% of that cannot be true, that is a basically product of human imagination some would call it shit. Bullshit in textbooks and professors who don't know a fk what they were talking about. That made me extremely devastated and depressed, also I saw that 99% of things in my ordinary life encounters were lies, better word would be propaganda. Propaganda in the use of self interest.
Also I saw that something is wrong with people and life that is show before my eyes. As depression accumulated, also I did not have any money, my family was bottom poor all the time. I got to university cause of social scholarship which was not enough for room and food.
I started to loose appetite and got really tired, at that time I was sleeping 22 hours a day, and one day after long fall along the ladder I hit the bottom. And in the moment I lost last drop of my life energy I call it lithium. As I remember i said: "F... it, goodbye world!"
What happened next was the most exciting and thrilling sensation, my cells turned over and my sub cellular liquid floated into abyss.
As it floated away it froze in time and space, better words would be there was no time and space I was the frozen liquid.
Slowly as I was falling for who knows how log, I saw ting live of light that was down somewhere in abyss.
After time passed again I cannot tell how long, the light become wider and wider.
I stopped my fall when about 3/4 of the sight were this river of energy. I stopped cause this were my exact thoughts: "This is the great spot to admire the sight".
And I watched and I bathed in the river of energy, I exchanged my energy with this river, it was beautiful, I can say I felt great sensation and even tell that I made love with river of energy.
I was there for incredible amount of time, I call it eons.
But I really cannot explain it why from time to time I would wake up I'm my bed and go to lunch or smoke cannabis or talk to some people I know. I was like I live there in abyss and dream in the world of everyday.
To short this story on one of these occasions I was invited by friend to this girl/witch mentioned earlier apartment to smoke weed and socialize.
Part VIII: Come back
What happened is next: This girl knows me from before. I didn't know her. But then it turned out that after long thought about that that this girl came to me once every year of my life for few minutes to say something incomprehensible and then left. Yes she looked different but I know her form before and I could say that she was only girl that I meet in my life and wanted to marry her. But as I saw her once every year for few moments and she would always took me by surprise and left like a morning mist, I never had opportunity to actually speak to her.
At that point this is what one of the things that she said to me: I know you from before. I want 50. I'm afraid of what is in your head. This are my fuck buddies, go away you are disgusting.
Well I have to thank her for disgusting part cause first if I didn't meet her I would dye somewhere in abyss forgetting about world at all, second I really was disgusting.
I was atrophied, schizophrenic, had hurricane of thoughts in my head, could not use my right eye nor my right side of the brain, had constant amnesia, I could think for about 3 seconds and forgot all about it, I could not move my arms above my head, my personality was washed out, my feelings were locked inside, I could not thing or comprehend what the hell is going on.
From that point strange things started to happen in my everyday life, people around me were somehow actors and life were staged. All and every time.
I didn't learn and passed exams and years on university, finally I had enough and left that bullshit.
People would get to me in the street and would say numbers and would talk among themselves but to me or about me. It was very hard and unpleasant to be surrounded by this shit and without ability to remember anything prior to 3 sec. Just constant bombarding fo past events before my life.
Part IX: The Terror
These events started when I was 22.5 years old.
It took me 1 year to be able to open my eye for just one second, lower atrophy and after extreme mental effort to close a crack of white light in my head.
2 years to be able to remove extreme hunger, and be able to move my hands above my head, and put energy into right part of the brain.
3 years to be able to balance schizophrenia, lower amnesia into 5 sec.
4 years to be able to use my right eye little more and balance hurricane of thoughts in my brain.
4.5 years to wright this story
Try to understand all in 1 year I did was woke up in the morning without any recollection of past, with hurricane in my head and bright light which lured me back. Every day was fight 99% of days I lost the battle.
I didn't had any money, tried to work but every time they where there trying to manipulate me and bring me down, I couldn't work for money they were always around fucking my brain.
Etc.
Part X: Justice
There is not any. More than 4.5 years ago when I realized that I'm almost dead there people were on every step of my life trying to push me down. I felt like a embryo in a controlled shell of past, fked emotions, fake environment.
End Part: My Thoughts
What I realized so far. I do not live I'm in a sleep. They are worked up and they have paid job to manipulate me, the longer I'm here the more monthly salaries the will earn. It all about sex. Bitches give them open enter and they laugh, while I suffer.
All my life is a dream, maybe I hooked to some kind of machine biological or not, maybe do not live jet. They control my dreams and just for the crap I need to see and hear there I would pretty much love to kill them all, not to mention other things.
What I want to say. A person who choose another person to be manipulated, crippled, mentally beaten, etc. must pay. I have the right to kill that person. Never I did something wrong to anybody to recive such hard/pain life.
How many times my head hurts so much that I wanted to kill myself. And they never stop. They fuck me with numbers, I do not have choice, first they say in winter, and then winter comes, then they say in summer, and then summer comes, then they say next year. I do not need or want this shit of my life.
Also maybe the only thing that angriest me, beside that stupid spoiled whore and her fuck buddies, is that these people do not work their job, also they are extremely untalented and unimaginative, I have to call it stupid, cause they really are stupid. The thing they say would grant them bullet in the head if I would there with them and know who they are.
And now why I wrought all this story, obviously I have a lot of problems. Person would read and say this man imagine things and thinks he is puppet on a strain, he is seriously ill.
Yes I agree. I'm, ...
Cannabis is the only thing that still can make me laugh, relax and forget about past. That can bring out real me under piles of unsolved problems. And even thought I love cannabis no matter this problems is at this point one of two medicines I can use to fell better. First is a woman.
So Cannabis should be legal.
Unfortunately I live in a fucked up country, where you go to jail for one joint. Also here people just heard of sensimilla, and prices are 15 euros 1g. I don't have money.
Also one of the funniest things of my twisted life is that I don't have medical insurance from 2004. I'm never ill, and apparently I cannot die.
If someone had similar experience in his life please share it with me cause I cannot see way out, and I will probably kill myself in following days. Cannot stand new year, time when whole world is laughing and fucking and I'm alone without any information about my freedom.
Also I forgot to mention is that all this story and my symptoms, as described is a true story, but in my sleep world, longer I fight this mist the more I realize that this is just a film all my problems are faked produced by them, schizophrenia, amnesia, etc.
And this part I cannot stand, I'm in this hell from my birth, in this extreme hell form more than 4.5 years ago, listening to them they want me to be here and like this for 7 years and I cannot cope with that. I cannot stand their stupidity, and I and enough, I had enough 4.5 years ago but this time I'm not afraid to kill myself.
Cause I will die eventually one day, so what if big sleep comes in this month.
If someone experienced same crap please talk.
