An Englishman in Australia

Discussion in 'Aussie Patients' started by spazatak, Mar 20, 2014.

  1.  
    spazatak

    spazatak Well-Known Member

    August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

    September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.

    September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

    October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.

    October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

    October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

    October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant f**kn' blow-dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from f**kn' Perth

    October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the f**kn' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

    November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

    November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f**kn' throttle him. F**kn' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking f**kn' wet and I smell like baked cat!

    November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my f**kn' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my f**kn' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

    November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a f**kn' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f**kn' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two f**kn' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

    November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn f**kn' place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the f**kn' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the f**kn' flies You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the f**kers!

    November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 f**kin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid f**ker F**kin' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented f**kin' idiot would want to live here!

    December 1 -



    WHAT!!!!



    The first day of Summer!!!!



    You've got to be f**kin' kidding!
     
  2.  
    xSLAYERx

    xSLAYERx Active Member

    * Insert witty 'Pommy melting in the Australian sun ' joke here.*
     
  3.  
    PsychoticOne

    PsychoticOne Active Member

    It might just be because I am really stoned but I laughed a LOT at this! Absolute crack up! Toughen up princess! bongsmilie:lol::clap:
     
    Lemoncandy likes this.

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