I think i may be a Bad Person

Originally Posted by Urca

they also say when I bring things up that I like to play the victim, poor little erica. Then they say im manipulative and bring up shit I did when I was a child to prove it.
and I do struggle with depression and low self esteem, but I dont think a therapist can fix it

THEY dont fix it. YOU do. the therapist "opens your eyes" to why you have been acting like you have, or had the thoughts. after they show you why you do those things, you can begin to notice when the source of those things comes into the picture. you can stop it before it snowballs and turns into you thinking about how ugly you are.(i dont think you are, im just using an example.)

Yeah I understand, but I feel like its too late, I mean, if I started therapy tomorrow, Id only have less than 3 months to change a lifetime of emotions and feelings.
And knowing how things go with regard to the dentist, dr appts, and what not, Id never even really get to go because my mom would be my ride, and she hates me having appointments at times or places she doesnt like.

Originally Posted by Luger187

Urca, go see a therapist. I dont mean that in a bad way. Just saying, they will help with this stuff.

Originally Posted by Luger187

THEY dont fix it. YOU do. the therapist "opens your eyes" to why you have been acting like you have, or had the thoughts. after they show you why you do those things, you can begin to notice when the source of those things comes into the picture. you can stop it before it snowballs and turns into you thinking about how ugly you are.(i dont think you are, im just using an example.)

I have to agree here. You're in a destructive loop that is only going to get worse. A good therapist can help you with coping tools and get you started in the right direction by April. If you have the insurance then use it while you have it. I know you said you had bad experiences in the past with therapists. So have I. I kept shopping around until I found one that I could stand. We've been best buds ever since. Find a therapist that you like. If you don't like him or her then walk out. It's that simple. I went through at least four before I found this guy and the difference is like night and day. Don't give up on therapy Miss Urca. It really helps.

Originally Posted by Urca

its just so hard... i cant even describe to you what I feel and think when I see these girls, or even when Im alone.
I told my sister once, how I felt, and she told me that I need to quit, its fucked up and im a bad person, because in her words "you just think you look better than them, who the fuck are you to think these things about them?"
yet i compare my looks to theirs and think maybe i have the prettier face, but then I know i have the worse body. Except for the girls who are the same size as me. Then im like wtf am i doing wrong if they can be with someone and I cant?
Then i say, well, Im fat, ugly, stupid, etc, and they must be better than me.

from what you've posted on here your sister sounds like a self centered douchbag. you seem to have some issues with your family and you might want to get away from them because it seems like they always make you feel like crap. feeling like crap and then being told you are crap is not a recipe for a boost in self confidence. it's like women who stay with their wife beating husbands because they've been made to feel like they won't do any better. unfortunately you are on track to become one of those women.

you desperately need a change in environment, yet from some of your posts i get the impression that you are unwilling to go out and work for it. you need your own job, your own car, and 100% control over your own life, free from the scrutiny of your family. honestly, having a job and your own life is the biggest confidence boost you will ever get.

once you start to realize that you are in fact in control you will exude more confidence and other things start to fall into place. like 'neer said, gaining perspective is a huge part of maturity. without it you can't move forward.

doing these things is a bitch, but embrace the suffering. it pays off later.

You arn't a bad person, you just need to come chill out and smoke some fattys and relax.

I used to worry about being a bad person. My husband told me that only good people worry about being a bad person. Bad people don't give a shit. It's okay to THINK those things (we all do to some degree); good people just don't SAY those things out loud. Hope that helps. I know it helped me.

Originally Posted by Dizzle Frost

you seem fake in alota ways to me urca....like really ... who writes shit like this?

jus seems odd to me that someone with such a low tank of self esteem is so open about bieng fat and ugly and self worthless.....jus sayin


if you are legit...than shit or get off the pot.....think of it this way, theres some lil kid sittin in a hospital with cancer waiting to die with more courage than most soldiers have....you sit here and fuck around wasting time thinking about how fat and shitty you are. too bad you couldnt trade spots with that dying kid, at least he would apreciate that life a lil more than you do.

im not tryin to be an asshole, jus tellin it like it is

Dizzle, being totally honest here, I think that is out of order.

A good amount of what Urca has said in this thread, I've felt myself. She is not being fake. There comes a point where you just become brutally honest when people arre always brutal when it come to 'telling you about yourself'. it's a horrible pace to be when you just try to be nice and sweet and everybody around you finds some reason to tell you that you're full of shit. It's a horrible place to be when you are constantly worried about upsetting others and being perceived as a bitch. Then someone tells you 'it doesn't matter what other people think', you try to follow that advice and you get beaten down or 'put back in your place' by someone telling you what a conceited asshole you are. If you spend your whole life being made to feel like shit, you will regard yourself as such, because to think otherwise is 'vain' and 'self centered'. It's easier for men to be this way and have no one get upset about it, I should add.

Look at how everyone on this forum knows about my disastrous (lack of) love life. How any pictures I have of myself up here. Some people really need external validation, because they grew up with people projecting their thoughts feelings, ideals, and blame onto you. You spend your entire life trying to 'get it right' and questioning whether or not you are a good person because people's strong reactions to everything you do seems to be a reflection of your character. If you spent your enture life 'running around in circles' just trying to BE. Just trying to EXIST. And BE STABLE without someone belittling you or reminding you why no one likes you, you will come to that 'FUCK IT, I'm just going to tell you how it is because I don't know what the fuck I did wrong THIS TIME' point and tell the world your life story. I'm not saying that everyone has to like you and get along with you, but sometime people say things that cut deep because it's like they have a problem with your very soul and who you are, that YOU are inherently shit, not some petty thing you have done. It's a reflection of your character and you will soon find yourself extremely worried and frightened when someone has an adverse reaction to the very essence of you ALL THE TIME.

I think the only reason you haven't said to me what you said to Urca because you think I'm hot. I can't accept that because I grew up being told I'm an ugly fuck and being rejected.

You guys tell Urca to stop worrying about what others think, but she can't accept that mentality because people will turn on her and make her feel bad. Especially when you are a nice person all the time, the one time you say 'no' or don't bend over backwards for someone it is immediately more prominent and seems like you have done something truly awful that anyone else is allowed to 'get away with'.

Like with the situation with Urca's FWB one minute if she did do 'x,y,z' for this man she was being an unfair cocktease and the next minute people were trying to imply she was being slutty, when other female members of the site have said racy, crude things and no one bats an eyelid.

It is a horrible place to be when no matter what you do to please people, you can never win.

And the thing about the dying kid in hospital? I've been in a place where we genuinely thought I was that kid. You know what? Feeling guilty that my own family thought I was being selfish for being sick at an inconvenient time weighed more on my mind than the pain of the illness. Depression will do that to you. Your priorities are out of alignment. Most little kids in hospital have enough to deal with, everyone makes an effort to make them the center of attention, not feel bad, have all the love and affection they want. Well, the other kids did, balloons and shit, but what I'm trying to say is when you feel like rotten shit from the core of your heart every day you wake up, sometime yeah, you do wish you wouldn't wake up at all and it'd be better to be dying. At least people will judge you in their heads and cut you some slack.

The phrase' you just don't understand' is heavily cliched and overused, but this is one time I deem it appropriate. However petty it may seem to you, all the little incidents and comments stack up, and chip away at you until you don't know or really don't like who and what you are anymore. You do not understand.

I don't think you're a bad person Urca... but I would do some bad things to you...