Worth Saving?

So it looks like my marriage of 2 years might be at its end. My wife has never really been happy through out our marriage and I always chalked it up to her life situation (lots of family problems on her end and going to a job she hated.)

Well the other night I finally got it out of her that she just doesn't feel a "spark" anymore. In my my that means she isn't attracted to me and in the 3 BIG talks we have had about this (each narrowly avoiding her leaving) she has said that she thinks we both deserve happiness (which means she isn't happy to me.)

In the past 2 years I have been super husband. I would work 40 hours, come home, get the yard looking nice, come in, cook, clean and then try everything under the sun to satisfy her in bed. About the only thing she has done is laundry (only because I am a man and "dry clean only" means toss that some bitch in with my jeans) and watch TV.

So every time we talk about separation we end up not going through with it because we both really do love each other. She says she can't live without me and that if something does happens, she wants to stay friends (again, all of the problems are on her side, not mine so I really don't see being friend with a woman I want nothing more than to start a family with.)

Anyways she has said that we should take it "one day at a time" meaning not talk about it any more and act like all is well. While I know she is a great person and would never hurt me on purpose the last talk we had about separation she realized that she would be royally fucked without my income. She is going to school right now on a loan from my parents (which they would still extend to her and she would still pay back) and she just quit her job. Also the only asset we have right now is her car which she couldn't afford the payment on even moving back in with her mom.

Being the love sick puppy that I am I would almost rather keep this life up till she gets out of school just so one of us can have a dream and I can have a few more months of quasi happiness. That being said I have been drinking all day and realizing just how much income I would have and just how sweet I could fix up my house.

Also I have this horrible feeling like I am a guy who cheated on his wife and I need to do everything I can to make her come back but in the back of my mind I know that no matter what I do it won't help because this is an emotional thing with her.

Another thing to take into account is that she never really had a social life. We dated all through high school and then got married when she got out, so she has never been on her on. Looking back on it now it would have been smart to get married right now and given her some space to be independent.

At this point I am ready to kick her out for the simple fact that we are living like nothing is going on but I really think within the next few weeks she will come home and tell me she is leaving and that is killing me. I mean I feel like a guy with a gun to his head knowing its going to go off but no idea when. I don't know if its worth pulling the trigger right now and taking all the pain or doing counseling and trying to work it out.

Also she has an Rx for and anti-depressant that she hasn't been taking and IMHO she has some pretty big mental issues stemming from her father's verbal and mental abuse.

damn man im sorry.
shitty situation. sounds like she has a lot of issues and things to deal with and think about.
she might need to get out of the house some and interact with others in a social scene.
push through man, best of luck

I am to the point where, ya it would hurt to see her go but I can talk straight about who gets what (where she is crying her eyes out about it the whole time.) I mean as corny as it sounds I really do want whats best for her. I have no problems giving her money so she can finish school simply because I know its her dream and I want her to have it.

Love is about a fucked up thing. I am going to sit in my back yard tonight and get shitty drunk in my hammock she bought me for my birthday and think about it tonight.

you never do know what will happen in the future.
maybe she leaves...maybe she doesnt
maybe she comes back...maybe you move on
best thing to do is talk and try to figure out what needs to change. and maybe that change doesnt have shit to do with you. but the relationship will struggle until changes are made.
all you can do is be supportive and let her know that this isnt what you want and you are willing to work through this with her.
if she still goes...then you will have to reexamine who you are and what you need.
if she can get on the same page as you thats great, if not...enjoy some personal time and reconnect with you

My advice is don't ask advice for marital issues on a marijuana growing forum. We're good for support through this but I doubt any of us are licensed psychologists... Seek marriage counseling if you want things to work or just see where things go I guess.

Marrige counseling is worthless,one thing im sure of is this,if a woman is not happy with you no matter what you do you'll never get her love back.

I noticed two things in your explaination,the 1st being how hard you try to please her,the 2nd being that she dont feel the spark for you anymore,could it be that you've changed,at her bequest ?

Many women are attracted to the bad boy types,then once they get them they try to change them,once the man changes into what they wanted the attraction isnt there anymore,something im 100% sure of from experience is that the harder you try to save the relationship the more she will want out.

Not having a social life or other issues are a cop out for teenagers,the whole issue of not having a social life boils down to this " i did not get to sleep with enough exciting people" or " i have not been with enough people to make me feel good about myself ",this goes for man or woman,its a cop out.

Marriage is about compromise,its about familiarity,its about not needing to feel excitement 24/7,its about being happy for the little things people do, not the spark or exciting shit,its about being able to put up with the shit your mate does that you hate,excitement & spark are a very small part of any sucessfull marriage,ask anybody who's been married for decades & they will tell you this.

My advice is this,start planning the break up & stick with the plans,divide what needs to be divided then make plans for one of you to leave,dont let it turn into a situation where your at fault because you dont understand how she feels,if your being a good husband then thats where your responsibility ends,either she grows up & wakes up to realize what she has right now or she needs to move on fast & you should help her do so.

oof man, ive been married one year now and have similar problems, but the other way around. its hard to say give up on love. does she smoke too? or roll? when me and my wife were havin problems we took a weekend together and rolled together, and let me tell you it really ironed things out. its amazing trully being able to open up to eachother. it might sound wierd, but man, its a drug that is made for these kinds of things

i cant believe this guys plea for help is being ignored! poor guy. obviously hes on his last leg and needs help. damn. shame on RIU seriously

Man I am sorry to hear this..

I have to say though, I couldn't in good conscious tell you to just break it off now. A marriage is something a little more important than a gf/bf situation. Marriages are fortified by a reconnection and simpler deeper understanding of each other, this situation may break you too, but it may also may be a relationship bump that betters your relationship in the long run. It seems more people are inclined to try and fix marriages- esp. when you have to PAY to get out.. If you were to break it off early- you'll always wonder, what if..

I think too many people expect marriage to feel as if 'the first day you met' for the rest of your life.. from the marriages I've seen work, it's never been the butterfly feelings that make great relationships- it's the connection, and it's how well you know the other person.. Do something to show her that you know her, the things most people don't know- I suggest talking to her about it- just lay your cards on the table like you did here. Tell her what you're afraid is happening, tell her what you want, let her know that you are not pressuring her- you just need to know for the sake of both of you. If she need time to think, give her time- but talk about an amount of time, an indefinite waiting period isn't healthy for either of you. If she wants a divorce, then end it then- make her leave immediately, she may regret or realize she acted rashly and run back when faced with the reality of her choice.. thinking about being without someone is VERY different from the actual response when it's happening. (If this were to happen it would be good to get that out of the way before money is spent on lawyers..hence why if things are over, end them immediately) You had mentioned you intended to start a family with your wife- let her know this... Honesty will make these types of situations as easy as possible (when situations are far away from easy..)

HotNSexyMILF said:

Man I am sorry to hear this..

I have to say though, I couldn't in good conscious tell you to just break it off now. A marriage is something a little more important than a gf/bf situation. Marriages are fortified by a reconnection and simpler deeper understanding of each other, this situation may break you too, but it may also may be a relationship bump that betters your relationship in the long run. It seems more people are inclined to try and fix marriages- esp. when you have to PAY to get out.. If you were to break it off early- you'll always wonder, what if..

I think too many people expect marriage to feel as if 'the first day you met' for the rest of your life.. from the marriages I've seen work, it's never been the butterfly feelings that make great relationships- it's the connection, and it's how well you know the other person.. Do something to show her that you know her, the things most people don't know- I suggest talking to her about it- just lay your cards on the table like you did here. Tell her what you're afraid is happening, tell her what you want, let her know that you are not pressuring her- you just need to know for the sake of both of you. If she need time to think, give her time- but talk about an amount of time, an indefinite waiting period isn't healthy for either of you. If she wants a divorce, then end it then- make her leave immediately, she may regret or realize she acted rashly and run back when faced with the reality of her choice.. thinking about being without someone is VERY different from the actual response when it's happening. (If this were to happen it would be good to get that out of the way before money is spent on lawyers..hence why if things are over, end them immediately) You had mentioned you intended to start a family with your wife- let her know this... Honesty will make these types of situations as easy as possible (when situations are far away from easy..)

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know what im sayin?

Let me explain myself... I just don't see this as a very good way of going about things. Sure he's going through troubled times. I can sympathize with that. But coming on a weed growing forum posting his life issues isn't the greatest idea and I'm just pointing that out. We aren't licensed professionals that deal with this. Some of us are married and do have some input but what I'm saying is that he should either seek out a marriage counselor whom he trusts or find a forum online where a TON of other people are dealing with this. We probably won't yield the best results since this forum is here for growing weed. We don't solve relational issues enough to give any really resounding advice about making a marriage work.

Seriously, I feel for you man. I do hope things end up working out and I'm not trying to be an ass because that's exactly what he doesn't need right now but I think his efforts to solve this issue could be best spent elsewhere.

I mean sure some of us may have some useful information but doesn't he need either a professional or the audience of a lot more people going through marital issues than us?

I encourage him to seek out outside input. (You should man)

But the FACT is that he turned here.. Would you rather he just keep it inside? It's a step...

No and you do have a point that he is atleast seeking some outside help which is good. But he definitely shouldn't consider this his only means of advice.

rev3la7ion said:

No and you do have a point that he is atleast seeking some outside help which is good. But he definitely shouldn't consider this his only means of advice.

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+1 Absolutely.

One thing i can tell you is, dont think about "what she is going to say, how she will react, what will be the outcome"

Dont think of things you dont want to happen.

Think of what you want to do. Think of what you truly want out of this companionship of yours. and lay it out.

STICK TO WANT YOU WANT, and go for it.

You have to be happy too man, you can't just live your life thinking in any day she will give you those horrible words.. "im leaving"

Be strong man. I know its hard, because it will be lonly, and you really do love her. But think of it this way, if she is not feeling the same way, what is the point? If she is not feeling that you are her man, and that maybe she is thinking of other men? THat would just break me to pieces, i would end the relationship there and then.

FInd out exactly what she wants, find out if its her just trying to seek comfort because of her past problems. Most of the time this is the case, she just wants to be hugged and told "your safe here" shit like that.

FInd out whats the big problem and just open up. Maybe your just a little bit too quiet, you need to talk to her more. Believe it or not, when you take charge and act like the boss, women will naturally follow. ITS the human and animal nature, females are attracted to dominance. Deep down in us, no matter how much we dont believe, it is a chemical balance that needs to be reached by emotions, and reactions. So if your being the sissy in the household, she feels that you are not protective enough, and you can not defend her. and naturally, she is not happy! She needs that "warmth" that feeling that she is protected, and knows no matter what, she can run under your wings for protection.

Maybe im just blabbering about bullshit, but take time to think about WHere you stand in your relationship... What role do you play.

The whole "bad boy" thing that girls are attracted to is the whole dominance bullshit i talked about.

I wish you the best of luck, and i hope what ever the outcome that you are the most happiest, along with your female companion.

Well let me start by saying this is not the only place I went seeking advice and its not like I plan on doing whatever I read here. I mean I know how active this forum is and it has this section so I figured "what the hell."

As of right now we are going to give counseling a try but when I am away from her I know that it only makes sense for her to leave. A good 95% of our problems rest firmly on her shoulders. She has issues, not me. I know I am not blameless but at the same time I feel like the only one actually trying to make things work. I think a lot of her problems stem from prior trama in her life (molested when she was very young and grew up with an emotionally abusive father who she can't stand to this day.) She has never sought help for any of this.

Frankly I have come to the realization that my wife is just not on the same sexual page as I am. I want to come home from a hard day of work and have my wife give me a blowjob for no reason at all. Or be waiting on me is sexy undies. She is just not a sexual person, she doesn't even masturbate for christ's sake.

Also she has quit her job and if she did leave would be in a world of hurt. She isn't a gold digger and would never ask me for money (she is very proud) but she would end up living with her mom who just left her dad and is in more or less the same situation (only mom has an OK job.)

matthew said:

I want to come home from a hard day of work and have my wife give me a blowjob for no reason at all.

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the best quote on RIU ever

mjetta said:

the best quote on RIU ever

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I am serious, I live with a sexual retard. She has never taken care of business herself so she has no idea what she wants and no desire to find out. I mean I am a kinky bastard, I enjoy porn and I want someone who can be open sexually.