AchillesLast
Well-Known Member
I don't have many I can talk this out with whom I can trust honestly to give me an opinion as to whats in the best interest for me, and not how they perceive me to become (i.e. my parents). I apologize for the lengthy post, but I hope one of you internet advice sprites will pass on through and leave me with something to think about. SPOILER: this thread is not as philosophical as the title suggests and deals with my most personal relationship up to this point in my life, my first/current girlfriend.
I've been with my girl for 3 years now. We meet and immediately started talking. Our relationship was 8 months long distance at the beginning, but soon we came to a crossroads to either break up or one of us had to make the move. She ended up moving because there was no way I could financially. During our distance, I had just started smoking pot. When she moved, she didn't mind the habit as long as it didn't get out of hand. But like our physical relationship blossomed, so did my passion for the grass.
This fact in itself does not lead to any arguments. However, 1 year into our relationship she was arrested with selling some pot brownies, at a festival. She did the physical transaction so she was blamed in the end. After this moment, her feelings towards drugs completely changed. She was now a lot more conscious about what she and I were dealing with as my curiosity was begging me to try other substances like mushrooms, x, lsd (none of the dirty drugs, mind expansion was always in mind). Through all of this, she still endured reminding me she did not like the presence of drugs (other than weed), but would allow me to experiment responsibly.
Approaching our second year together, we studied abroad together in Italy for a semester. This was our test, as we were going to live together in a foreign country. Neither of us were scared because we get along like best friends. The time in Italy was great as were exposed to many new people and ideas in Europe. Though in some ways, I felt I did miss out on being more rambunctious. There would be nights were I wanted to continue the party with the other American students, and she would slightly guilt me into coming back home. Saying she'd miss me too much, and she can't sleep without me. I typically would because I love her and she is so precious, I can't help but not say yes to her. But there would be nights (even before Italy) where I yearned to burn free wildly into the night without having the reponsibilty attached of a relationship.
Back in the US, I was debating on moving in with her and moving into the frat house. I was really poor after Europe, as my girl had to loan me around $3000 (she started just paying for everything for me for the last month of it). But she didn't mind, only asking for payment of half of it whenever I was ready. During the summer, we had a huge fight. I didn't see myself in the future with her anymore. It's not that I didn't love her (if anything I loved her more, as I was beginning to grow up myself), but I wanted freedom. I felt it was time to be my own man. In the end, after spending a night soul searching in the desert, I came back home to my woman. I moved into the apartment with her.
After Europe, I found a spiritual conduit more opened/channeled than before. So while we lived together, my interests in mind expansion tremendously increased as I yearned to find the true "me" and to fully listen to my heart; finding my true path (hence the desert experience). This was when my quest with psychedelics came into focus. I began attending yoga and practicing meditation. This practice is still helping me to achieve full awareness in the present moment/experience. She is not much interested in the spiritual work but is supportive of my beliefs, even attending yoga with me.
At this point, I felt like were were beginning to live in tune. We both had school work and jobs, but we would go on dates like 2-4 times a week. She also understands that I do enjoy time alone, away from all people. So sometimes I would get time to smoke a bowl and paint or get lost in a video game for a bit. We fuck often and fight less. She even broke down and let me grow mushrooms here and there but it still made her extremely nervous. She would tell me that she couldn't sleep at night knowing that operation was happening in her closet. She even gets paranoid when my friends (whom some she doesn't know as well) call me or a small MJ sack here or there; she tells me they could be setting up a sting because the police are forcing my friend to call people. This is more or less the current situation. We love each other a lot, but there are some dis-harmonies. But a few months ago, something amazing happened to me. I woke up.
In April, I approached my friend about DMT. I wanted the experience. I had tripped mushrooms a lot, and had found an inner ally through their teaching medium. But I was always in the mood to try more: LSD a few times and a few of the 2c family. I thought I was ready for DMT, I wanted to see what love looked like. I wanted to see the entire beauty of the universe. My first flip through hyperspace didn't happen until March, but I don't think I'll even forget it. Infinity. Since then, I couldn't be more obsessed with what I experienced. But the epiphany of my trip didn't happen till a few days later, when (on a night planned out far in advance) a friend and I planned to take a low dose of shrooms and hang out. My trip came on strong and in the end I was crying in rejoice. I knew what happened, I had woken up. I had consciously chosen my reality; I had chosen to be incarnated at this moment. Since then, and even now, I feel like I've turned a new lease on life almost. I am so happy to be alive and experience new things, SOBER. This was the biggest revelation, I no longer needed a substance to be high, but could achieve that state within my own mind. Though I still use drink, smoke etc. I realize that are just petty pleasures (as much as my body enjoys them).
And now the point right? I thank you all who have stuck around enough to this point. Much love. Ok.
So we are both about to graduate. We are both becoming more aware of the future and its possibilities. And this is where things are starting to go bad as of recently. She wants to move back to Cali, which I'm totally cool with moving (I want to change up the scene anyway, I've lived here my whole life practically). But she wants us to get a home, and for me to start looking at "real" jobs as we call them. Something for me to apply my degree in at least. This idea right here scares the crap out of me. I want a "real" job (I'm a bellhop now, I make bank but I bust my ass), but I could never sacrifice myself to the corporate machine. Fuck I don't even want to think about owning a home. But this brings up a myriad of other problems: if we do this, do we have to get married? I feel like yes. I'm I ready to get married? No way. Do I want to marry my girl? Perhaps, but not now. Things are great now in our relationship, but I'm not ready to commit myself to someone else when I'm still learning so much about myself. My whole perspective of "love" since our first meeting has changed so dramatically.
Recently, I've gotten a feeling that our relationship is developing like mother/child then that of true lovers. She loves me out of the fear knowing that one day I'll need to leave the nest; and I seem to love her now more as gracious gift of teaching me how to be a man, and truly learning to love in all capacities. Though she is always supportive of me and urges me to strive for more in all things, I feel that I am one step ahead, and she is one step behind, always moving to my beat. Not that I am anymore right than she, but there is this desire in me to want to experience all I can while human. I want to help humanity by painting a beautiful mural or by writing a moving book. Something beautiful, and epic. While she wants to get jobs so we can eventually start a family (secretly I know this). But also know, there is a true lover's relationship buried within this psychological mess. But what I want to know is, how will I know when it ends? Or if it will end? Ever since my wake up moment, every experience has become a drug, even life. But with all drugs, the highs must end. Is this just a low point for us (perhaps we have been dis-harmonic in our daily lives), or is it a constant reminder that we are both trying to make something work that is not meant to be?
Plus I included the history of the drug use on my half because substances/medicines play a vital role in my life at this point but they still scare the crap out of her. She does not like that I keep substances in our house, and it scares her every time I go to pick up weed. I do realize I can't trip all the time, but I couldnt see why having responsible psychedelic experiences a few times a year doesn't hurt. I just don't want this to be the wedge that drives us apart although it is a sore subject in our house.
Anyway, I ranted enough. Worst case, I spewed it all out there so I can sleep now.
Thank you all who read and had some thought about it. I'm glad to share and I hope maybe my perspective will turn to see the best situation.
PS Even while I type this, she wakes up and checks on me. Coaxing me to bed, and getting pissed that I do not want to lie in bed at this moment.
I've been with my girl for 3 years now. We meet and immediately started talking. Our relationship was 8 months long distance at the beginning, but soon we came to a crossroads to either break up or one of us had to make the move. She ended up moving because there was no way I could financially. During our distance, I had just started smoking pot. When she moved, she didn't mind the habit as long as it didn't get out of hand. But like our physical relationship blossomed, so did my passion for the grass.
This fact in itself does not lead to any arguments. However, 1 year into our relationship she was arrested with selling some pot brownies, at a festival. She did the physical transaction so she was blamed in the end. After this moment, her feelings towards drugs completely changed. She was now a lot more conscious about what she and I were dealing with as my curiosity was begging me to try other substances like mushrooms, x, lsd (none of the dirty drugs, mind expansion was always in mind). Through all of this, she still endured reminding me she did not like the presence of drugs (other than weed), but would allow me to experiment responsibly.
Approaching our second year together, we studied abroad together in Italy for a semester. This was our test, as we were going to live together in a foreign country. Neither of us were scared because we get along like best friends. The time in Italy was great as were exposed to many new people and ideas in Europe. Though in some ways, I felt I did miss out on being more rambunctious. There would be nights were I wanted to continue the party with the other American students, and she would slightly guilt me into coming back home. Saying she'd miss me too much, and she can't sleep without me. I typically would because I love her and she is so precious, I can't help but not say yes to her. But there would be nights (even before Italy) where I yearned to burn free wildly into the night without having the reponsibilty attached of a relationship.
Back in the US, I was debating on moving in with her and moving into the frat house. I was really poor after Europe, as my girl had to loan me around $3000 (she started just paying for everything for me for the last month of it). But she didn't mind, only asking for payment of half of it whenever I was ready. During the summer, we had a huge fight. I didn't see myself in the future with her anymore. It's not that I didn't love her (if anything I loved her more, as I was beginning to grow up myself), but I wanted freedom. I felt it was time to be my own man. In the end, after spending a night soul searching in the desert, I came back home to my woman. I moved into the apartment with her.
After Europe, I found a spiritual conduit more opened/channeled than before. So while we lived together, my interests in mind expansion tremendously increased as I yearned to find the true "me" and to fully listen to my heart; finding my true path (hence the desert experience). This was when my quest with psychedelics came into focus. I began attending yoga and practicing meditation. This practice is still helping me to achieve full awareness in the present moment/experience. She is not much interested in the spiritual work but is supportive of my beliefs, even attending yoga with me.
At this point, I felt like were were beginning to live in tune. We both had school work and jobs, but we would go on dates like 2-4 times a week. She also understands that I do enjoy time alone, away from all people. So sometimes I would get time to smoke a bowl and paint or get lost in a video game for a bit. We fuck often and fight less. She even broke down and let me grow mushrooms here and there but it still made her extremely nervous. She would tell me that she couldn't sleep at night knowing that operation was happening in her closet. She even gets paranoid when my friends (whom some she doesn't know as well) call me or a small MJ sack here or there; she tells me they could be setting up a sting because the police are forcing my friend to call people. This is more or less the current situation. We love each other a lot, but there are some dis-harmonies. But a few months ago, something amazing happened to me. I woke up.
In April, I approached my friend about DMT. I wanted the experience. I had tripped mushrooms a lot, and had found an inner ally through their teaching medium. But I was always in the mood to try more: LSD a few times and a few of the 2c family. I thought I was ready for DMT, I wanted to see what love looked like. I wanted to see the entire beauty of the universe. My first flip through hyperspace didn't happen until March, but I don't think I'll even forget it. Infinity. Since then, I couldn't be more obsessed with what I experienced. But the epiphany of my trip didn't happen till a few days later, when (on a night planned out far in advance) a friend and I planned to take a low dose of shrooms and hang out. My trip came on strong and in the end I was crying in rejoice. I knew what happened, I had woken up. I had consciously chosen my reality; I had chosen to be incarnated at this moment. Since then, and even now, I feel like I've turned a new lease on life almost. I am so happy to be alive and experience new things, SOBER. This was the biggest revelation, I no longer needed a substance to be high, but could achieve that state within my own mind. Though I still use drink, smoke etc. I realize that are just petty pleasures (as much as my body enjoys them).
And now the point right? I thank you all who have stuck around enough to this point. Much love. Ok.
So we are both about to graduate. We are both becoming more aware of the future and its possibilities. And this is where things are starting to go bad as of recently. She wants to move back to Cali, which I'm totally cool with moving (I want to change up the scene anyway, I've lived here my whole life practically). But she wants us to get a home, and for me to start looking at "real" jobs as we call them. Something for me to apply my degree in at least. This idea right here scares the crap out of me. I want a "real" job (I'm a bellhop now, I make bank but I bust my ass), but I could never sacrifice myself to the corporate machine. Fuck I don't even want to think about owning a home. But this brings up a myriad of other problems: if we do this, do we have to get married? I feel like yes. I'm I ready to get married? No way. Do I want to marry my girl? Perhaps, but not now. Things are great now in our relationship, but I'm not ready to commit myself to someone else when I'm still learning so much about myself. My whole perspective of "love" since our first meeting has changed so dramatically.
Recently, I've gotten a feeling that our relationship is developing like mother/child then that of true lovers. She loves me out of the fear knowing that one day I'll need to leave the nest; and I seem to love her now more as gracious gift of teaching me how to be a man, and truly learning to love in all capacities. Though she is always supportive of me and urges me to strive for more in all things, I feel that I am one step ahead, and she is one step behind, always moving to my beat. Not that I am anymore right than she, but there is this desire in me to want to experience all I can while human. I want to help humanity by painting a beautiful mural or by writing a moving book. Something beautiful, and epic. While she wants to get jobs so we can eventually start a family (secretly I know this). But also know, there is a true lover's relationship buried within this psychological mess. But what I want to know is, how will I know when it ends? Or if it will end? Ever since my wake up moment, every experience has become a drug, even life. But with all drugs, the highs must end. Is this just a low point for us (perhaps we have been dis-harmonic in our daily lives), or is it a constant reminder that we are both trying to make something work that is not meant to be?
Plus I included the history of the drug use on my half because substances/medicines play a vital role in my life at this point but they still scare the crap out of her. She does not like that I keep substances in our house, and it scares her every time I go to pick up weed. I do realize I can't trip all the time, but I couldnt see why having responsible psychedelic experiences a few times a year doesn't hurt. I just don't want this to be the wedge that drives us apart although it is a sore subject in our house.
Anyway, I ranted enough. Worst case, I spewed it all out there so I can sleep now.
Thank you all who read and had some thought about it. I'm glad to share and I hope maybe my perspective will turn to see the best situation.
PS Even while I type this, she wakes up and checks on me. Coaxing me to bed, and getting pissed that I do not want to lie in bed at this moment.
Sounds like you two are working on your common ground... relationships take a lot of work 
I can relate with the fear she has of tripping. It's scary to try something so foreign and shunned by society. I thought maybe when I first tripped that i would loose complete control, but that never happened. Maybe over time she will become desensitized to seeing what your bring around. I think acid is a therapeutic tool that can be used for healing relationships... i would much rather have a good trip than go talk to a psychiatrist.....