AverageJoe88
Well-Known Member
Check out this article in my local paper:
DEAR AMY: I'm a (more or less) straight woman in a relationship with a man 10 years older. We've been together for more than a year, living in the same house (with housemates). He is mature, compassionate, sweet, and supportive in many ways. He had some experiences in his teen years that he feels have scarred him, including going to prison for a naive, one-time experience with selling drugs.
He has dealt with his problems mainly through sobriety and Buddhism, but a few months before we met, he decided to start smoking marijuana again, both to process his teen angst and to elicit his creative, emotional side. He seems to spend about half (or more) of his evenings stoned.
I don't smoke pot because it makes me incredibly paranoid, and I don't really like him as much when he's high. Honestly, I don't even want to be around him. The fact that I hate it seems to make him smoke more. When he is sober, I am so happy to be with him, and I feel at ease. When he is stoned, I dislike him and don't want to be around him.
I support him as a person, but I want to have kids -- and not with someone who is using pot to work out his teen issues. He's also fairly disorganized and barely works.
I want a relationship that feels good for the long haul. Should I suck it up and hope it's a phase? We have a hard time talking about this stuff and the tension is terrible. -- Unsure Monogamist
DEAR UNSURE: According to your narrative, your guy was 100% sober at one time -- but all this stopped just before you met. Are you sure he has ever been completely sober? And since he's dropped the sobriety -- what happened to the Buddhism?
My read is that his previous periods of sobriety were phases and what you have now -- the person who is stoned half the time to unlock his creativity and deal with his teen issues and who doesn't seem to work very hard -- that's him.
You two have a classic addiction dynamic (whether it's alcohol, pot, food or tobacco).
He is not long-term partner/father-of-your-children material. He should seek spiritual and/or psychological counselling to deal with his "teen issues." You should join in the large and growing "friends and family" fellowship by checking out a Nar-Anon meeting (Nar-anon.org). You might gain insight into the prospects of being with someone who is only 50% there.
So many things in this article bother me. The suggestion that NA is required for casual use at night is ridiculous. In the last sentence she says "being with someone who is only 50% there" , is an attempt to say that somehow someone who uses cannabis is not coherent and not able to participate. So if I smoke a joint and watch a movie I am creating an addiction dynamic, what a joke. Also the suggestion that she doesn't want to be around when he is stoned is just a controlling technique, you don't do exactly as she wants and she takes away her companionship.
I had a relationship once like this and it was horrible. She would switch on me as soon as she thought I was stoned. I quit for 6 months once and was miserable but she loved it. I realized that she didn't care about me or my happiness it was all about her. Articles like this always seem to slip in that whole weed and no work thing. I work very calm and never get frustrated when working and using cannabis.
DEAR AMY: I'm a (more or less) straight woman in a relationship with a man 10 years older. We've been together for more than a year, living in the same house (with housemates). He is mature, compassionate, sweet, and supportive in many ways. He had some experiences in his teen years that he feels have scarred him, including going to prison for a naive, one-time experience with selling drugs.
He has dealt with his problems mainly through sobriety and Buddhism, but a few months before we met, he decided to start smoking marijuana again, both to process his teen angst and to elicit his creative, emotional side. He seems to spend about half (or more) of his evenings stoned.
I don't smoke pot because it makes me incredibly paranoid, and I don't really like him as much when he's high. Honestly, I don't even want to be around him. The fact that I hate it seems to make him smoke more. When he is sober, I am so happy to be with him, and I feel at ease. When he is stoned, I dislike him and don't want to be around him.
I support him as a person, but I want to have kids -- and not with someone who is using pot to work out his teen issues. He's also fairly disorganized and barely works.
I want a relationship that feels good for the long haul. Should I suck it up and hope it's a phase? We have a hard time talking about this stuff and the tension is terrible. -- Unsure Monogamist
DEAR UNSURE: According to your narrative, your guy was 100% sober at one time -- but all this stopped just before you met. Are you sure he has ever been completely sober? And since he's dropped the sobriety -- what happened to the Buddhism?
My read is that his previous periods of sobriety were phases and what you have now -- the person who is stoned half the time to unlock his creativity and deal with his teen issues and who doesn't seem to work very hard -- that's him.
You two have a classic addiction dynamic (whether it's alcohol, pot, food or tobacco).
He is not long-term partner/father-of-your-children material. He should seek spiritual and/or psychological counselling to deal with his "teen issues." You should join in the large and growing "friends and family" fellowship by checking out a Nar-Anon meeting (Nar-anon.org). You might gain insight into the prospects of being with someone who is only 50% there.
So many things in this article bother me. The suggestion that NA is required for casual use at night is ridiculous. In the last sentence she says "being with someone who is only 50% there" , is an attempt to say that somehow someone who uses cannabis is not coherent and not able to participate. So if I smoke a joint and watch a movie I am creating an addiction dynamic, what a joke. Also the suggestion that she doesn't want to be around when he is stoned is just a controlling technique, you don't do exactly as she wants and she takes away her companionship.
I had a relationship once like this and it was horrible. She would switch on me as soon as she thought I was stoned. I quit for 6 months once and was miserable but she loved it. I realized that she didn't care about me or my happiness it was all about her. Articles like this always seem to slip in that whole weed and no work thing. I work very calm and never get frustrated when working and using cannabis.
