Ok folks lets see what ya got...

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, and holding his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them". The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says slowly, "That was very nice, but listen very, very, closely, are...my...test...results...back?"

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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, 'We just love the chocolate around them.............

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This will warm your heart.

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. . . Someone who teaches at

a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored

a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as

a door prize, and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to

all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!



Dear Safety Harbor Middle School :

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens

luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for

the Aged. All of my family has passed away I am all alone now and it's nice

to know that someone is thinking of me God bless you for your kindness to an

old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but

before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she

was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into

a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could

listen to mine, and I said kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.



Sincerely, Edna Walters

__________________
Get outta my way when i'm blasting my gun, got 99 bullets but it only takes one"- La Coka Nostra
Big Red Machine Worldwide - AFFA
*Coop*..Our new mouth to feed

wow they were long. good jokes. but there not the same, when you have to read them, for some reason.

A roaming cowboy rides into this dusty old west Texas town, walks up to the saloon, where the sign reads "Bartender Wanted"
Cowboy pulls down the sign and walks into the bar. The current bartender says "You here about the job?"
Cowboy says, "Yup, I'm yer man"
Bartender takes off his apron, throws it at the cowboy and says "The job's all yours, Thank god you got here before Big Bad Bob got to town, I'm Gone!!!
A week goes by with barely a customer.
One Saturday evening he hears big ruccus outside the bar and he goes to see whats up....
All the towns people are locking their doors, chasing their little ones inside, shuttering windows......The cowboy/bartender says "Whats going on?""" The frightend old man says, "Iiiittt's BBBbb Big Bbbb Bad Bbbbob!!! He's on his way into town!!!! Man runs away in fear. A few minutes go by, and he sees this big dust devil coming down the street.....soon out of the haze, he sees a 7 foot talll 300 lb. bearded man riding a Black Panther, spurs made of Scorpions on his boots, and whipping that panther with a 8 foot rattle snake. The smell of the man is awfull from 12 feet away.....
The giant gets off of his mount, and says in a deep gravely voice..."LAY DOWN, PAnther".....and the panther lays down.....The man stomps into the bar......and bellows...
"Gimme a shot of yer worst rot gut!!""
The bartender, with trembling hands, hands him a shot glass and a durty bottle of whiskey......
The burly man grabs the bottle, bites off the neck and downs the whole bottle in one gulp!
The bartender asks...."Www Will...uh..Ca Can I gggg Get you anything e el else???

The man hollers "HELL NO!! I Gotta get outta here before Big Bad Bob shows up!!!"

__________________
Pencaps Journal
It's hard to kidnap Fat People!

Q. How does a woman know when her boyfriend turns gay?

A. when his dick taste like shit!

The Little Rascals were in school one day when the teacher called upon Buckwheat~
"Buckwheat, use the word "dictate" in a sentance...."
He thought a moment and then said,
"Darla, how does my dictate?"

__________________
Pencaps Journal
It's hard to kidnap Fat People!

This guy down on his luck walking down the street finds a $5 bill. The guy aint had any pussy in a while so he heads to the local whorehouse.
Walking in the door, he asks the bartender what he can get for his $5?
The 'tender says "not much" but that they have a room that always has something different going on inside, and you never know what to expect, but he was welcome to try it our for his $5.
Well, the guy thought about it for a minute, then says he'll take it.
So he goes into this room, and standing in the middle is a chick. Just standing there, stairing back at the man. "Well" thought the man, "Its a chicken, but I aint had any pussy in forever so what the hell?" so he chaised that chicken around the room, finally caught it and fucks the feathers off that that chicken!

Well, next day, the same guy is walking down the street, still down and out, and finds a $10 bill. And, remembering the good time he'd had the night before, goes back to the club for more action.

Well, the bartender tells the man "$10 isnt much money, but we do have this peep show going on, and its always something different".
So the bum gives the 'tender his $10 and goes into the peep show with all the other guys. Well the shades go up on the 2way mirrows and theres two hot lesbiand really getting nasty with each other. So the guys sitting there wacking it, and he turns to the guy beside him and says " damn these lesbians are super nasty! This is great!" and the guy replies "Hell yeah man, but you shoulda been here yesterday, this guy was in there fucking a chicken!!"

- Lounge; All from memory

__________________
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. H.S. Thompson

thats hilarious.hahahahahahah i seriously cant stop laughing. ill remember that one

__________________
WORD TO YOUR MOTHER-everything i say here is not to be taken seriously, I only come on here to look cool. and man do i look cool.

here's a festive one for ya;

santa goes to see his doctor and says " Dr i think i have a christmas puding stuck in my ass!!
The doctor politely asks santa to lower his trousers and bend over the bed..Santa follows his request, and the dr inspects surveys the situation..
"well Santa..." replies the dr, "it does indeed seem you have a christmas pudding stuck in your ass....but dont worry i've got some Cream for that"

__________________
Get outta my way when i'm blasting my gun, got 99 bullets but it only takes one"- La Coka Nostra
Big Red Machine Worldwide - AFFA
*Coop*..Our new mouth to feed

The Top 20 Slogans for Legalized Marijuana

20 Got Buzz?
19 Pot: When You Care Enough Not to Care At All
18 A Day Without Pot is Like, School
17 Weed My Lips!
16 Hey, America -- Let's Blow This joint!
15 What's So Great About Short-Term Memory Anyway?
14 Obey Your Jones
13 Hemp: The world's practical solution to making, like, paper and rope and necklaces and stuff
12 It's Not Just For Glaucoma Anymore!
11 Help Eradicate Road Rage in Our Lifetime
10 Official Sponsor of the NBA
9 Because the waste is a terrible thing to mi... Dude! I totally fucked that up!
8 Cannabis: The PRE-Coital Smoke
7 This is your brain. This is your brain on pot. This is your brain desperately searching for Doritos.
6 When Was the Last Time You REALLY Looked at Your Hand?
5 SMOKE POT! (Did we just say that out loud? Or did we just think it?)
4 Recommended by 5 Out of 5 Deadheads
3 Just Doob It
2 It's the all-the-time smokey, skunky, sticky, greeny, seedy, stemmy, doobie so-you-can-get-high medicine.
and The Number 1 Slogan for Legalized Marijuana...
1 Skull-Shaped Bong: $25.00 Primo Maui-Grown Bud: $125.00 Watching Teletubbies with Your Buddies: Priceless

Ha Ha Ha hahahaaaa... i needed that

__________________
Get outta my way when i'm blasting my gun, got 99 bullets but it only takes one"- La Coka Nostra
Big Red Machine Worldwide - AFFA
*Coop*..Our new mouth to feed