if u all would like a joke forum please vote in my poll joke forum thread in make ur reqeusts if i get 20 yes's we get the forum a joke for u all Have u heard of the australian kiss? Its like the french one but down under

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.

__________________
Drugs are an amazing thing they taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system

laughed my ass off on the peanut one!
I support the big red machine not one but ready to ride come spring!peace man

Damn.........YOUR Hair Line Is So Far Recieted Its On Someone Elses Head

__________________
if i post something of importance on your thread please rep me as i cant rep myself http://www.rollitup.org/grow-journal...rew-ups-i.html

Ok folks here's a few more for ya.......

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!"

The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make several low-level passes."

"Why?" asked the nervous pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer.
"I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures."
The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

-------------------------------

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't
seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for
the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they
made love. After supper, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner: it took Homer a half hour to travel
home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting
enough work done.

Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the fields
with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will
be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while until one day
when Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the
Doc., "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a
shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love,
and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"Ah mighta trained her too good. I ain't seen her since huntin'
season started!"

--------------------------

When I was born God gave me two choices....

(1).... I could either have a good memory....

OR

(2).... Be good in bed !!! .......


Sh!t !!! .

Now I forgot what I waz gunna tell ya!!!

--------------------------

__________________
Get outta my way when i'm blasting my gun, got 99 bullets but it only takes one"- La Coka Nostra
Big Red Machine Worldwide - AFFA
*Coop*..Our new mouth to feed

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:


1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!


2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"


3. "Can you hear me NOW?"


4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"


5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."


6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"


7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."


8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"


9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!


10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."


11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"



And the best one of all..


13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"

-----------------------------------

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem ?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he
was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.

Principal : 'What is 3 x 3 ?'

Harry : '9.'

Principal : 'What is 6 x 6 ?'

Harry : '36..'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should
know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think Harry can go to the 3 rd grade.'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal,' Let me ask him some questions.'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'


Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have ?'


The principal wondered why would she ask such a question !

Harry replied : 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a dog do that a man steps into ?'
Harry : 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks : What starts with a C , ends with a T , is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid ?'

Harry : ' Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks :' What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky ?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks : 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs ?'


Harry : 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks : 'What word starts with an 'F ' and ends in ' K ' that
means a lot of heat and excitement ?'

Harry : 'Fire truck.'


The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,' Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....

__________________
Get outta my way when i'm blasting my gun, got 99 bullets but it only takes one"- La Coka Nostra
Big Red Machine Worldwide - AFFA
*Coop*..Our new mouth to feed

While many have dogs, probably the same number of folks have a cat or several. If you have never had a cat, these are for sure true. If you HAVE had one, you for sure are already well aware of these laws:

Feline Physics Laws

Law of Cat Inertia

A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion

A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism

All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics

Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching

A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping

All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation

A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction

A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration

A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance

Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration

No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance

A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation

Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation

Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation

If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction

Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking

A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy

All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment

A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption

A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement

A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing

A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement

A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest

A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection

Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition

A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.

---------------------------

I actually got this one at work yesterday --->
Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of
normal conversation with their coworkers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended,
this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately
express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been
provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in
an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

__________________
Get outta my way when i'm blasting my gun, got 99 bullets but it only takes one"- La Coka Nostra
Big Red Machine Worldwide - AFFA
*Coop*..Our new mouth to feed

Unanswered Questions
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked , then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP? ?

*~*~*~ * ~*~*~*~*~*~*
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice: When you put the two words 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells
'THEIRS'?
----------------

Two good old boys, Bubba and Junior have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Bubba says, "Hey, Junior, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in and have a drank."

"But we's privates," protests Junior.

"We's sergeants now," says Bubba, pulling him inside. "Now, Junior, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drank."

"But, we's privates," says Junior.

"You blind, boy?" asks Bubba, pointing at his stripes. "We's Sergeants now."

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Bubba.

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to take you some place and make you feel good but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Bubba pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Junior, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

Junior goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Bubba the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Bubba is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Junior," he says, "What you give me the okay for?"

"Well Bubba, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates." Then he pointed to his stripes and says, "But we's Sergeants now."

------------------------
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the
wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over
to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she
was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders
doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent
question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having
any of that Brokeback Mountain stuff in our garden.

__________________
Get outta my way when i'm blasting my gun, got 99 bullets but it only takes one"- La Coka Nostra
Big Red Machine Worldwide - AFFA
*Coop*..Our new mouth to feed

what do u call a woman with no legs? A dirty cunt

__________________
Evil Buddies is my name growing evil buds is my game

Thought for the day . . . There is more money being spent on
breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This
means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with
perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to
do with them.

-----------------------

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated

doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart

transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a suitable rock."

----------------------

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for
glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye
doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye, and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her
face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about
getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on
wire frames."

__________________
Get outta my way when i'm blasting my gun, got 99 bullets but it only takes one"- La Coka Nostra
Big Red Machine Worldwide - AFFA
*Coop*..Our new mouth to feed