
Originally Posted by
tyler.durden
When I first got married to wife #2, I had just acquired a great job as an off-the-floor trader at a large bank in Chicago. They had too many traders that worked directly for the bank, so they hired a third party from which to get a few more traders (some loophole through which they could hire some traders as independent contractors). I did so well after 6 months that they decided to hire me to work for the bank directly, along with a hefty raise. I was on top of the world, and couldn't wait to tell my new bride that daddy's bringin' home 80k! My supervisor the stated, 'You just need to go in for drug testing. Don't worry it doesn't have to be today, you can do it tomorrow'. My heart fucking sunk to the floor, how the fuck was I going to pass a drug test? We smoked all night, every night. I tried to find a clean friend from which to borrow some piss, and realized I didn't know any. So, I went to GNC to buy their very best clean piss tea, and I drank about 5 gallons of the shit before my drug test the next day. The next Friday my supervisor called me into the president's office, he looked really distressed. He told me that I failed the test and that they wouldn't be able to hire me. I went into the usual song and dance of, 'they got it wrong! I've never done any drugs, I don't even like taking aspirin!' I then asked if I could take it again. I'll never forget what he said and esp. how he said it, 'Tyler, it's not just the fact that you were positive, but you were so positive...' I almost laughed. Everyone was sad and I thanked them for the opportunity. There were no other jobs like that around, and no one was hiring floor traders anymore as everything was moving to electronic trading. I was forced to get job after job that paid about half as much, and that didn't help the marital stress. So, I guess the moral is avoid the teas and snake oil if you need to get tested, and find someone who produces clean piss...
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