Get ready for a somewhat lengthy post...may want to take a few hits, eat a brownie, grab a drink and sit back.

Here's my story - Born to a coal miner and a stay at home mom, my mom married my dad because she was trying to earn her mother's approval (my mother eventually felt she could make it work and learn to love my father).

My father was a detached and distant man, worked a lot because my mom spent a lot of the money out of unhappiness. We eventually move to Texas right after my sister was born, my dad went from $30,000 one year to $12,000 when we first got to Texas from Illinois.

My parents are both christians and I would consider myself one as well but my mother believes a few things and her theology is something that I'm trying to overcome. She believes that right before marrying my dad that she was supposed to move to Texas, following God's will for her life. Instead she married my dad to keep my grandmother happy and her life has been a wreck ever since, this part of the story is crucial to understand where I am today and why I seek your input.

Needless to say things were tough. There were days as a little kids that me and my sister didn't eat along with my parents because the money had been spent on rent, car payment, electric...

I remember my mom and dad getting into heavy fights, both knocking over furniture, throwing things at walls, screaming and I was always sensitive to fighting and violence, still am. It just unnerves me in a way that most people don't get - they see a fight they think "cool", I see a fight and I get a panic attack.

As the years went on dad made more and more money, mom eventually started working but she'd spend it on purses, jewelry and the like because of her unhappiness. My parents were basically roommates, not husband and wife and stayed together because God knows why.

My mom was always over-protective because of her mother (my grandmother), my grandmother would instill fear in my mom that my mom in turned passed onto me. I wasn't allowed to play outside, wasn't allowed to ride my bike around the neighborhood (kidnappers), wasn't allowed to go to friends houses (inconvenience to my mom, parents of friends were potential kidnappers), was forced to play sports even though i didn't want to (my mom was trying to appease my grandma and aunt) wasn't allowed to have anyone over (house was never clean enough, my friends weren't really my friends but potential thieves) and so on and so forth.

To this day my mother still has that fear in her that bad things will happen, and they have, but its to the point that I can recognize that it has held me back in my own life. I get uptight about stupid things, I always think worse case scenario in every situation...here are a few examples.

Example 1: I make minimum wage working 39 hours a week but there is a fear that if the bills don't get paid on time just once that I will be kicked onto the street and relegated to a life of homelessness.

Example 2: If I don't follow God's will for my life and decide to do my own thing, blaze my own path as it were, that I will miss out on God's best for my life and/or something awful will happen to me as a result of ignoring God's will.

Its these irrational fears that keep me "in check" to some degree and I hate who I am because of it. I am largely afraid of people and them viewing me negatively, I let that fear inform and guide the decisions I make. I am a people pleaser and I hate every moment of it.

I so very much admire people that are laid-back, don't give a rat's ass about anything, fun loving, sun soaking up individuals. I see marijuana as being the drug of care free and great people.

I want to be in that club. I want to be able to let go of the ridiculousness of my past, I want healing from psychological scarring, I want to soak up the sun worry free. I want to be a free spirit rather than an up-tight, worrisome people-pleaser.

I recently got into a bad bad auto accident. I had been working two other jobs to supplement my income from my main job, my main job's scheduling was so jacked that i was spending the night at work on friday because i worked so late and then had to turn around and be back on Saturday so early there was hardly time to sleep.

Oh the plight of the working poor. I was essentially working 60 to 70 hours a week for about $325 a week. And one night I blacked out behind the wheel and life caught up with me...

Ive been off two months and have had a lot of time to think about life and i want to make a break from where i've been psychologically and personality-wise. I believe marijuana is a tool that can be used to achieve this.

Here are my questions: Has anyone used mj to achieve personal breakthroughs within themselves? Has anyone become the person they've wanted to and if so how did they achieve it? Any other suggestions? Thanks for the responses.

Sounds like someone has really done a number on you. The most important advice I can give you is:

There is no god.

God has no will or plan for your life, and you won't be judged if you screw up. Your mother might jugde you, but to be honest, you need to stop giving a shit about that. It sounds like your mother has some serious mental health issues herself, which you should encourage her to seek help for (and i don't mean religious help).

Realise that it's okay to take a break if you need to. It sounds like you have money issues, so try not to live beyond your means. The more you scale back your outgoings, the less you have to work your ass off to keep up with them. Also, If you smoke weed regularly, growing it is infinately better than buying it.

Weed is a great tool for relaxation and reflection, but it can rob you of your motivation, so don't go overboard if you can help it.

Hey Nocturn thanks for the quick reply...just a few words on my finances - I'm not spending it on anything except rent, electricity, fuel for car, car insurance and food - in other words the money I'm making is going to service my ability to live and work - the problem is that I seem to have an uncanny knack for getting jobs that pay minimum wage...no shit the last four jobs I had have all paid minimum wage.

I really can't thank you enough for your reply Nocturn. As far as mom goes, she'd never go seek help for reasons that are so complex there just isn't time to get into it. She does have problems though and its refreshing to hear someone with an outside perspective acknowledge that.

As soon as I'm recovered from my accident and back at work I'm setting up a grow complete with pictures and can't wait! I don't have anyone in town I trust to supply me with and its been over a year since I've smoked.

You're absolutely right though, I'm not pushing myself anymore for $7.25 an hour. As intelligent as I know I am and as hard as I'm willing to work I know I can do better, even if it takes a little time to figure it out and get there. I just really appreciate the reply. Thanks again.

First of all nocturn3, that is your opinion.
You are entitled to it, having said that, I personally believe that people create their own god, because everyone has different morals and ideals. You need to figure out your priorities thewizardofgalm.. You should not use marijuana as tool to open your eyes, it can be used in conjunction with a lot of self exploration and insight.. Again, this is simply my opinion.
If you think not doing things god wanted you to do, think about this, if you believe things happen for a reason, why wouldn't this apply in your situation? I believe that anything I go through, anything I achieve, any where I go in life, it is where I am meant to be.
Maybe this helps.

__________________
http://www.rollitup.org/dwc-bubblepo...woman-lst.html-Finished Wonder Woman 150 watt hps&LST.

Thanks for your approval. It is indeed my opinion, but my opinion is based firmly on reality. I could be more specific, and say that there may be a small chance that the universe was brought about by some form of higher dimensional intelligent agent, but as for a personal god who is all knowing, and gives a shit about any particular individual on this planet, i'm sorry but that is just wishful thinking on your part (in my opinion, of course).

There is a tiny chance that i'm wrong, just as there is a chance that the universe doesn't really exist, or that i am just a brain in a jar being fed data, or that i am really a dog having a dream of being a human, or that i am the only living creature in the universe, and the rest of you are just NPCs testing me.

None of these are likely though, and i refuse to live my life believing in any one of these irrational things just because of a tiny chance they could be true. Give me a bit of evidence and I might be swayed, but until then, god for me is consgned to the same place as fairies and the easter bunny.


I agree 100% with this. People create their own "god", and it is different for every person. You have people who believe in jesus, yet think it is perfectly fine to preach hate about groups of people that offend their sensibilities (muslims, gays, atheists etc). What happened to "love thy neighbour", "let he who is without sin", and all that good stuff?

Good things happen to bad people and vice-versa. There is no plan. Nothing you do matters, other than to you and the people your actions affect. That's not to say that morals and ethics shouldn't come into play, btw. If anything, quite the opposite is true. We need to come together as a species, so we can advance beyond the dark ages that we are still stuck in.


I'll play devil's advocate on this one. Assuming there is a god (lol), it's just as possible that he wants you to sit down, chill the fuck out and smoke weed for a while. Maybe I am following god's plan by advocating atheism. Maybe god wants us to get smarter, learn as much as possible about the nature of reality, drop all the superstitions and grow the fuck up.

There's no harm at all in simpy using weed as a way to relax, in a recreational or low-level medicinal way. It's not the demon drug that certain parts of the media make it out to be, and is certainly safer than most shit you can get from a doctor. It can be habit-forming eventually (although not addictive) and can affect your motivation, but I personaly endorse it. If you think it will benefit you, chances are it will.

The worst part of being a weed smoker is the stigma attached to it, so probably best to keep it to yourself, especially if you live around uptight, judgemental people.

I do believe marijuana and enough of it can indeed help me achieve the freedom I want to. My best semester in college thus far was the fall of 2007...I rode my bike to class, got involved in theater, didn't have a girlfriend, smoked marijuana once every three days and general enjoyed life.

For some reason things weren't as cheery in January starting the spring of 2008 semester and I don't really know why...but I was really in a place of feeling free and unattached to the stupidity that surrounded me.

I'm looking to obtain and attain that once again and I believe that the process of bonding with the plant while it grows and then allowing it to minister to me will be great and therapeutic.

those things that exist in our minds.

Good things are first manifested as good thoughts.

;)

it is all systematic ...

find what u beileve and stick with it..

faith is believeing without seeing.. so if you have faith in something .. stick with it ..

SMOKE A J, and be blissful!

__________________
Everything i say is a lie!!
HEY!!! http://www.rollitup.org/general-mari...ml#post3383728

Yes! Absolutely, I have come to see more and more that you get back what you put out. Good thoughts return to us as good things, being good to people, being kind in speech and in our thoughts pays itself back to us as positivity points so to speak. I have lived 24 years of my life mocking others, tearing down, being negative, expecting the worst and low and behold I have received back those things in one form or another. I want to sow good seed and then reap a bountiful harvest (in more ways that one!) Thank you for the replies.

Whatever your plans turn out to be, you should consider finding work writing for a site about stuff that interests you.

You already write more clearly than most of the people on the internet, so you should be able to break away from minimum wage.

If anxiety issues have been what's holding you back, working online can kill some of the edge, but then it also cuts down on workplace socialization.

If MJ ever feels like a coping tool, back away from it until your back in control again. Anything that serves as a crutch can take the legs out from under you.

I'd eliminate the paranoid relatives from my life too, but that's not an option for everyone.

Good luck

__________________
Religion. Bravely turning its back on reality one universe at a time.