One thing you can always think of....there are always folks who have it worse. Perhaps that's no comfort to you, but it has helped me once in a while. I tried to kill myself when I was 19 years old.I was with my first daughter's father...at that time I'd never slept with anyone else....I had low self esteem to begin with and thought if I saved myself for one guy, he'd know how important he was.He turned and looked at me one day and said, "I only fucked you on a dare."So I went upstairs and ate 60 lithium, and I was scared and gagging and crying, but I choked them down and waited to die. As I lay there, a peace washed over me, and I thought...oh finally...it'll be quiet now.And I proceed to puke and shit.Afterwards, he found out what I had done from his neice, who was the only person I told...she was a year older than me...I guess she was just trying to get him to realize how he hurt me...and he said"maybe you'll do it right next time." I didnt mean to turn this into something about me...my point is...worse things have happened since then...and I have survived...and I can even laugh about a lot of it. Death is uncertain. You never know whats there till you get there. But you know, though life has its surprises....it's still life and you know you can live it, if that makes any sense. I still get way down...ask me tomorrow and I may not be able to give you a reason to live.But, reading your post, I can't see a reason to die, either.
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Originally Posted by Yrteop  I hate my life. Im 20 years old, white male from Pennsylvania. I go to a good college in southern california and im just sick of everything around me. Im an English major and its more of a hobby to me than a passion. My parents support me in pretty much anything i want to do, but for some reason nothing has been that rewarding. I have interests; cooking, reading, writing... but its nothing i can make a life out of. Im having a midlife crisis before i even have a life. Im just sick of all this. I even have a really cute girlfriend back in LA but she doesnt really get why im so upset with everything. I have so many goddamn opportunities but i just dont want any of them. I dont really care much for getting a ba, or getting some kush job after college. There are a lot things i want to do, but when i say them, they sound like strange fantasies to my parents.
To get my mind off things I think about ways to kill myself. But I dont think I have the balls to ever do it. I want to see the world but i dont know where to start. I constantly have these pipe dreams of just leaving this life behind and start hopping trains or something, but i dont know if i have the balls to do that either.
Im back home in pittsburgh now for the summer and things have been shitty. I dont know if i want to go back to school and its making my parents go freaking mad! Im just sleeping in and playing around on my computer. I dont know what to do. I dont really know why im posting this. Its almost 4am here and this is just a shot. Does anyone out there in this big/small world have any ideas? Please no B.S. Im getting to the end of my rope...
this is prolly a stupid idea but my email is CaptainCallahan@gmail.com |